me when i move to new york at ten and i notice a very blond boy with the most gorgeous voice i’ve ever heard and i know i want him and so i calculatingly become his best friend and he tells me later that he wanted me too and we harmonize together in my basement and we stare at each other’s mouths and my dad doesn’t like him but i stay friends with him anyways and we start to sing and work together and then i do a track behind his back and he’s so upset and furious that he breaks it off with me and we don’t see each other for four years after that and i live my life the best i can and then i run into him again and he is so into me i become intoxicated by the feeling and i fall back in love with him and we begin to work together again and this time it’s still fruitless but then our song becomes a number one hit and we turn famous overnight and we ride the fame we ached for since we were younger together and i fall deeply in love with him to the point my songs are inspired by him but i feel stifled by his artistic direction and then mike nichols calls and asks him to be in his movie and envy boils my blood and somehow he is oblivious to all of my emotions and leaves to mexico anyways and i spend my time depressed and miserable while writing for my next album and like always my songs are inspired by him and he comes back to record and the tension is so high that we’re both so miserable but we push through and then i quit the duo after the album comes out and he doesn’t realize until months later which he will do again and again oblivious to my hot-and-coldness and i divorce my wife and he divorces his the same year and the two of us do snl together and i think i’m drunk on the feeling of him and then the mayor of new york asks me to do a reunion concert with him and so i do and that evening will stay in my memory until i die i remember his voice and his smiles and his hands on my shoulder and then i remarry and i’m madly in love with my new wife and i invite him to my honeymoon regardless and then i divorce her and i squabble with him and fight to the point i could pick up a knife and stab him in the gut and i hate him and i hate him and i hate him and then i have to work with him again because i reach a certain stage in life and i feel old age creeping upon me and i feel scared because is this how it ends with him surely not and suddenly those feelings of immense hatred melts away and all there is left is the love i had for him so many decades ago and i think maybe now you two will understand each other maybe now you two will actually know each other inside and out but the problem is you know each other inside and out but i still cannot understand him and so your friendship splinters again and i know in my heart this will continue on until i die and he hurts me with his words to the point i cannot even speak about him and he grovels for my understanding and my friendship and most of all my love but it aches anyways and i can’t help but hate him like i did thirty years ago but you two are old men how much longer do you have and so you two come together one last final time. and i’m a jewish singer-songwriter. and i’m paul simon.
