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Miscarriage: 8 Things You Can Do To Help

Here are 8 ways you can support someone experiencing a miscarriage. No crystal ball or mind-reading required.

In the wake of my recent miscarriage, it occurred to me how much more resilient I am since we lost our first pregnancy almost five years ago. 

In 2012, I didn’t have the coping mechanisms I do now. I also didn’t know I had endometriosis, an inflammatory women’s disease, which explains why it’s been so hard to get pregnant and why my periods so often feel like I’m passing a bag of nails. It’s been a wild ride to say the least.

These days, I am incredibly grateful to have a small village* of people supporting me and my husband. After adopting an anti-inflammatory diet (bye bye gluten and dairy) my periods are pretty non-eventful (hello living)! But, even with a huge support network, it was terribly difficult to ask for help when I needed it during my miscarriage, especially when I was in so much physical and emotional pain. 

When asked, “Do you need anything?”, my grief was too all-encompassing to say yes. It wasn’t that I didn’t want help. It wasn’t that I didn’t need help. But how could I possibly ask for what I needed when I could barely speak? After all, we’d been trying for FIVE YEARS. 

Now that the pain of my miscarriage has lessened a bit, I decided to write a short list of things I would have appreciated when I was really down and out.

And because very few of us are mind-readers, I hope this list will help you help someone you love (trust me, if you do even ONE of these, she’ll think you’re full of magic and a pretty damn good human).**

1. COOK A MEAL (OR TWO)

Consider delivering groceries, takeout, a home-cooked meal or snacks. When your whole body aches you don’t have the strength to go to the store, let alone prepare a meal. Personally, I didn’t want to go to restaurants because I was prone to unpredictable fits of crying. Pressed for ideas, I emailed my naturopath who told me to concentrate on bone broth, soups, and stews (things that are gentle on the stomach) as well as iron-rich foods. I found this recipe for Bok Choy Miso Soup online and both my husband and I really liked it. Does she like chocolate? I’d never turn away Double Chocolate Zucchini Muffins, especially if they’re made with extra-dark Guittard chocolate chips (just sayin’)! And, even though beggars can’t be choosers, as a person with dietary restrictions I always appreciate when people ask me what I can and can’t eat.

2. TAKE THE KIDS (OR DOGS)

Miscarriage is a physically exhaustive process now matter what. But depending on how far along her pregnancy was, she may have also had surgery which is some next level sh*t. Needless to say, she needs sleep. Lots of it.  Schedule a time to babysit her kid(s) or take her dog(s) for a few hours so she can get some rest. I guarantee she will be grateful.

3. MOVE TOGETHER

My acupuncturist suggested a light hike or slow jog would speed the healing process. At first, I didn’t think I had the energy for it. But once I got going I discovered light exercise helped me feel better mentally and physically. Gentle yoga felt wonderful, too. Suggest something. No matter what, I guarantee she will appreciate the company.

4. LAUGH TOGETHER

Laughter really can be the best medicine, so if she feels up for it, treat her to a hilarious movie in the theater or binge-watch reruns of Broad City at her place (don’t forget the popcorn and gummi bears)!

5. CLOTHE HER IN COMFORT

To this day when I wear the pajamas and socks my mother-in-law gave me after my first miscarriage (and later D&C) I am reminded of her kindness. Soft drawstring waists felt wonderful to my sore belly (my jeans felt like a corset)! If you’re not sure where to look for lounge pants and jammies, check out Gilligan and O'Malley at Target. They don’t last forever but they sure are comfortable!

6. GIVE HER WARMTH

Creature comforts really brought me peace in the days following my pregnancy loss.  Consider gifting her some items for her self-care toolkit such as a heating pad and natural bubble bath (my favorite is this one) topped off with a new book or novel you think she’d like.

7. TREAT HER TO A MASSAGE

My whole body ached for weeks after my miscarriage, so when my doctor suggested a massage, I went for it. Since massages are often expensive, you might look on Groupon or Google ‘massage deals’ in your area. Or, you could go in on a gift with girlfriends.

8. DON’T BE A GHOST

As many as 20–25% of recognized pregnancies end in a miscarriage, which is a staggeringly large number. If you know someone who lost their baby, ask how she is doing. When she crosses your mind, reach out. Mail a heartfelt note. Send a quick text. Experiencing a miscarriage can be very isolating, especially if she is seeing pregnant bellies at the grocery store and strollers in her neighborhood. Bring up her loss. Say her baby’s name. And if she brings up her loss, please don’t change the subject. Just listen. You don’t need to offer solutions. 

There is no finite end to grief. For me, it evolves, recedes and resurfaces. After my first miscarriage, I was a train wreck on Henry’s due date. Mother’s Day was (and is) the worst. Even my birthday is tinged with sadness because every year I am closer to being physically unable to conceive or carry a child.

Though I lead a full and very happy life, I carry my grief with me every day. I haven’t forgotten our babies for a moment. There is no way someone could “remind” me of my sadness. It is here with every breath I take.

There is no dark without light. There is no sadness without happiness. And in that, I take comfort. 

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PLEASE share this blog post! Miscarriage shouldn’t be a taboo subject. It’s real, it’s heartbreaking, and it happens to more women than you think.

*namely, my beloved husband, family, and friends, plus a team of badass health care professionals including my compassionate therapist, acupuncturist, hypnotherapist and naturopath who’ve taught me that self-care is a necessity. If we are to be loving and compassionate with others we must begin with ourselves.

**Though this list is geared towards miscarriage specifically, these ideas could work for any life-changing event, such as a new cancer diagnosis, or a sudden death of a friend or family member.

It is exactly 1 month since my surgery with Dr. Seckin. I still need some time to heal, but slowly am getting better. My doctor removed 15 specimens of endo and my appendix. These last few weeks, well, years, have been very, very hard, and I am really looking forward to a pain free spring and summer.