#emovikingbear

As far as the physical changes t has been pretty good. I am hairy as fuck on my stomach, back, ass, legs, arms, and slowly everywhere in between. I’m starting to grow a little mustache and some chin hairs. I even have one solo one that is SUPER long and curly (aye). My voice is still dropping and I will try to post some voice updates later. My bio dick has grown a lot and it’s large enough for me to jerk it now which has been nice for my dysphoria. My hair on my head is so strong now when my hubby cuts it, it takes so long for him to shave my head. I used to have really bad dandruff pre t and now that my hair is so strong it stopped the dandruff all together!! That has been a very nice surprise. I really hated my dandruff. Another thing to add that has been a nice surprise is that I don’t feel that I am as sweaty on t. And for someone who has dealt with being sweaty literally over anything from stress, working out, walking down a street, excitement, etc that has been a wonderful change. My smell has changed now but my hubby and I don’t have words to describe it yet. It is different now though, and my husband jokes that I smell Caucasian now. (Poc will understand what I’m talking about) (and I’m mixed af but I’ll be talking about that also later)

As for the negative physical parts of t, I had some pretty scary hot flashes in the first 3 months. They were scary because they would happen so randomly, one minute I would be fine and then the next I would be feeling my chest was gonna explode and I was going to pass out. Acne has not been as bad as I thought but it has also been worse than I thought. Acne on my face has been manageable (knocks on hard wood) but I have developed acne up and down my arms and my stomach. Pre t I had acne on my chest and back pretty bad. I’ve always been a pretty sweaty guy all my life so it’s understandable. Dick growth for me has been noticeable from day one on t and gives me random boners throughout my day to day. (I’m still getting those btw) On one hand the boners make me feel better about my bottom dysphoria (my worst dysphoria I have and I will talk more about it later) but on the other hand it makes me more aware of my bio dick and that triggers my bottom dysphoria. (Not fun). Also with my dick still growing it randomly hurts now; which puts more attention on my junk and gives me more bottom dysphoria. Another aspect of t I like and don’t like is my new energy levels and how randomly I get hyper now. A lot of nights on t I have suffered with insomnia just because of how much energy I have.

That’s all the words I have for my physical changes right now. This blog is for me voice my thoughts and opinions on my transition and I’m sure sometimes I will talk about stuff outside of my transition as well. One day I will look back on these and laugh. I also hope someone out there who reads this that it benefits them in some way. Anyone who makes it this far in this post thank you for your time and I hope you are having a good day.

That’s all for now folks, until next time.

Over the last couple months, my emotions finally feel like they are dying down and are no longer up and down for my shots. I have been having a new face in my confidence in myself and my endeavors. Life is not perfect but I am starting to no longer hate myself so so much all the time. I have been having better dysphoria experiences too! Trust your process and accept that you are growing!

Over the last few days I have been experiencing some of the worst bottom dysphoria I have had in years. I honestly don’t know what started it but I know it’s linked to my dosage in t, the stress going on in my life, and the fact that I have recently discovered what my next big move is. I have been wanting phallo since I was 15 years old and I am 21 now and the only thing I have done for my transition so far is getting on hrt. Hrt is great but most of my dysphoria is bottom dysphoria so lately I’ve just been kinda realizing that with all this new bottom dysphoria I have on t that it’s going to be like this for awhile.

A lot of people says their bottom dyspnoria starts after top surgery and I can’t imagine my dysphoria being too much worse than it is now and top surgery is not something I will be getting tomorrow unfortunately.

I just want to feel whole and I am exhausted of having to play the game and wait for society to allow me to get the surgeries I need to survive. Because of my parents and they my choice of joining the navy I have had to wait almost 7 years to just get on hormones. How long am I gonna have to wait to get phallo? A surgery that is full of complications, a surgery that is nowhere where I need it to be, a surgery that there is a huge chance that I will come out with worse than what I am equipped with now, a surgery that if it goes well it is so much better than using a prosthetic, but it’s still a surgery just the same. And it’s hard having so much weight on my shoulders and mind for believing in this surgery so much.

I have been experiencing suicidal thoughts over my bottom dysphoria over the last couple days and that is not something I’ve faced since high school. I have realized that for the last couple years I have internalized my bottom dysphoria so much that it will just force its way out of me making me blow up and become super overwhelmed with everything. I am working now to stop doing this, but it is a hard habit to break. Considering the fact that being open about my kryptonite is just so scary for me because of how sensitive I am over the subject. I don’t wanna lose people over my problems, but I need to realize those people are in my life because they love me and they won’t be able to know what’s going on if I don’t open up about it. I am realizing my husband doesn’t really know my bottom dysphoria at all and that is all my own fault for internalizing it this whole time.

I am still shoveling through my mind during all of this because of how fuzzy it feels due to my wrong dosage on t. But I’m hoping by typing pieces of it out when I can a path to happiness and peace will soon appear before me. I am so ready to take that path and I am so ready to conquer my bottom dysphoria!!

2