#emmigrating

It’s been just over 3 years since I moved from Canada to England to be with my husband. It’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever done, packed 21 years of memories and life into 3 bags and said goodbye to my family and friends.

I have days that I feel so homesick but I look at my twins and know if I hadn’t made such difficult decisions they wouldn’t be here right now, I wouldn’t have this life and I wouldn’t be a SAHM to my gorgeous girls.

I found a new job, made new friends, had to rely on public transport and hoping I didn’t get the wrong bus or take the wrong side street to get home, learning new slang and words, learning even to write a little differently. Sometimes it feels so normal but other days I feel like it was a mad culture shock in some ways where it’s so different from home.

So my mum just got back from England after being, basically, banished from France(long story, makes me hate the french governement), after almost three months.

It was hard, my family haven't really been seperated before, except for my brother going mad and running off with his control-freak girlfriend(also long story, will tell if someone asks), and living on a run-down farm means there is a lot of work to do which is very hard to keep up with alone with my older sister.

But despite the many animal disasters, and french-caused-trouble we managed to get quite a lot done, though are now even more exhausted than ever(except for bringing the ay in last year, wow, you don't know what tired is), and they managed to get back for Mum's birthday. Which was nice we did some cool stuff.

The worse thing is that, what the french have done to us, and how impossible they have made life for us, has made us realise that it's not really worth trying to live here anymore, despite the fact that I was 2 when we came iver, and my two younger brothers were born here, and none of us actually want to leave the amazing haven-of-a-farm, we have all decided it's for the best. So we think we'll move to Wales.

So if anyone is looking for an amazing small farm in central france, please make contact. Maybe I'll make an actual advertising post....

It really is brilliant, it has everything you could want. IT's perfect ina everyway.

So this is it.

I've talked a lot about how it feels to have a head full of elsewhere and that antsy pantsy feeling of wanting to just stand up at your desk, throw down your laptop and shout 'I'm done' before walking out and getting on the first train to God knows where as long as it's not amongst the tap tap of keyboards and the glare of hostile demanding computer screens. 

But talking is one thing. Doing is something entirely different all together.

We talked over our  plans for Thailand. We discussed the ins and outs of where we'll visit, possible places to rest our weary heads whilst still being drowned in the all consuming alien culture, and the financial ching ching of pennies in our pockets to feed our growling bellies and get us from A to B. But the moment you click that button and buy that flight, it's like all those things were suspended above your head like an anvil in one of those Looney Tunes cartoons and someone snips the rope with an oversized, comic-effect pair of scissors and it all comes crashing down.

YOU ARE MOVING TO THAILAND.

And it's like everything all at once. Visa, appointments, vaccines, money, flights, summer clothes, learn thai, appease the parents, visit ALL THE FAMILY, check check check.

And I haven't even got one minute to sit down and wonder if the butterflies stubbornly batting around my insides are from pure excitement or all consuming fear.

YOU ARE MOVING TO THAILAND.

And here's the thing. I talked about it for so long that when the penny finally drops and the trip's on your doorstep like 12 year trick or treaters, you don't know whether to laugh and run around screaming that THIS IS FINALLY IT, or to cower in your under the stairs cupboard hoping to God they don't ring the doorbell because you forgot to buy those funsize Mars bars.

I know that it'll be a step towards something brilliant. I know that it's all I've ever wanted and to stand atop a view so inspirational that I have to squint at its raw beauty will be breathtakingly exquisite, but I underestimated that feeling of logical anxiety which has been ingrained in us throughout the years. When it comes to the crunch, your knees are knocking, your teeth are chattering and you're about perfect to be cast in a Scooby Doo episode. This IS it and things COULD go wrong and you COULD be half way round the world with no money and nowhere to go.

But then I think hang on. I'm sitting at my desk right now. I've got no money. I've got nowhere to go. Except Thailand, so I guess all that's left to say is...