#elder sibling

(Witches, Heretics, and Other Outcasts Au)

The trauma Elder Sibling (Quintessons) inflicted on Primus and then later to another Cybertronian seeker (Sunstorm) who reminded them of their little sibling.

i woke up this morning with so much anger in me. despite putting back breaking efforts in every aspect of life, i am never enough. i was tired of trying, tired of winning, tired of not being enough. by midday i was so lost and tired, but just then i heard a familiar tune flow by.

"slow down, you crazy child. you're so ambitious for a juvenile" billy joel sang in his peppy voice. i only knew the other two lines that begin with "slow down you're doing fine" from the time it trended on socials. i put all my work aside and listened to the entire song. it's a few hours past midnight now and vienna is looping on my music player app since midday. vienna feels like the home, the assurance and appreciation i've been starved of for so long.

here i made a playlist of similar songs that the eldest daughter in me identifies with. i hope you find your home too.

circling the lives of two brothers who have just lost their father, intermezzo spoke to my heart.

(just to start, the lack of quotations doesnt bother me at all. in fact, when i read my first rooney book, normal people, the lack of them did not even phase me. it was only after seeing multiple people being offended on the internet i realised that it was such a big controversy.)

the joycean writing style appealed to me and the stream of conscious thoughts made it feel like i was reading the characters journal.

when i started the book i was certain that i would relate to ivan, the younger brother, the chess prodigy. mostly because of his personality (not brilliance). shy, reserved, and an awkward conversationalist. i saw myself reflected in the way ivan carried himself. a lil too familiar with being afraid to exist in the moment and claiming space for yourself. struggling with his falling rank in chess and wanting to succeed, ivan soon finds peace and love with a women twice his age. a person who understands him better than most.

you have all these dreams that you're going to keep getting better and better. and then in reality you just start getting worse, and you don't even understand why.

but as the story progressed, i saw peters perspective more clearly. as the elder sibling he felt compelled to check up on ivan. to talk to him after the death of their father. despite struggling with his own issues regarding mental health and love life, peter still makes the effort to give space in his life to his family. an unreciprocated action.

peters seemingly posh life is disturbed by his ongoing indecisiveness. actually, that may not be the right term, he wasn't entirely indecisive. he knew he was in love with both the women in his life. sylvia, his college sweetheart, and naomi, the twentysomething college student. starting with a sexual connection in exchange for money and material possessions, their relationship grows to be more domestic and emotionally charged. meanwhile, peter is still in love with his ex, sylvia. they don't want him to choose. eventually, they arrive at an understanding. a poly situation thatleaves peter with residing guilt.

after i finished the book, three interactions stuck with me

peter and sylvias arguement: still best friends after their breakup, they have grown to find comfort with each other. when peter tries to make a move, they get into a fight where sylvia opens up about the changes in her life following her accident. it left her with chronic pain. they talk about how sex is not a part of her life anymore and they cannot regress to the way things were. sylvias vulnerability and peters longing lead to the crux of their current relationship, i just want you to remember me the way i was.

his life in danger of becoming tolerable for a minute, why not go out of his way to aggrieve and distress the only person who could put up with him

sylvia and ivans conversation about the hat problem: the puzzle made me think and question language and truth. there isn't much to say except that even if youre not going to read the entire book, find a copy and read this excerpt.

language doesn't fit into reality like a toy fitting into a slot. reality is actually one thing and language something else

peter and ivans fight: most sibling dynamics are chaotic and disturbed. peter and ivan showcase this when they start talking about their dad and how their relationship has evolved since they were children. ivan, who once used to idolize peter, is now resentful and feels overshadowed. peter, the elder sibling who always had to shoulder the burden of parenting everyone in his family without appreciation, is burnt out. their conversation leads to a physical altercation, common sibling behavior.

i related to peter so much because

when things get difficult, you're gone. you're out of the room. and that's alright, i don't expect anything else. maybe with dad i did, but i learnt my lesson. he didn't want me to be his son, he wanted me to be his protector. and yours. so that's what i was. all my life, i was looking out for the both of you. and neither of you ever even had the decency to say thanks

there are more nuanced and complicated themes that occur throughout the plot. grief, resent, remorse, self doubt, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism, re-sheltering a dog, polygamy, absent parents.

i would love to illustrate more on this, however i just wanted to talk about peter and his struggle with existing on a day to day basis. unable to make decisions that don't harm the people around him. wanting to be a part of the family but not knowing how to without making a mess or feeling like more is owed. wanting someone to appreciate the efforts you put in. dealing with failure and grief. wanting to be a better person. wanting to make the right choice. wanting to feel safe and loved. wanting. and failing.