sylvia plath was right when she so relatably said

what horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.

i too believed myself to be brilliantly promising, brimming with potential. maybe this delusion was constructed by my consistently high grades and praise from authority figures. however it came about, it stuck with me. carried into my college years. made me despise the person i am.

academic validation. a noose, a vice, a chaotic destruction. nothing ever good comes from it. movies have been made and books have been written to try to decipher the utter wreck it can make a person. because what am i if not the worth of the results in front of me. the romanticised notion of dark academia. chasing that high is something i should have left behind. taking it one day at a time is the only thing i'm currently capable of.

it is said that reality is often disappointing. in my case, it was fine. i never expected a bright future, a big house or a shiny car. i just wanted to live on my own terms. so when none of these things seemed to be actually happening, i was relaxed, cemented in reality. but still. i had potential. i was smart. i was talented. i was at the top of my class. what happened. where did it go. i wasn't supposed to be just average, forever cornered at the crest of something great.

i feel stupid. i am stupid. wrong decisions at every step. no future plan. because how am i supposed to work towards something that i don't believe exists. always in the back of my mind, since i turned into a legal adult, a voice saying i wasn't supposed to live this long. so if it's borrowed time anyways, what does it matter. failure and mediocrity should then be embraced. but there are expectations. people more stupid than u have done this so why can't you.

justifications and excuses for failure, ready beforehand. realising that no matter the effort i put in, it won't compare to my own potential. fuck the other people, i can't even compete with myself. it has led me to not even try, because why do something that is doomed for failure. but. regret. i could have done more. i know I'm smarter than this. i know i can do better. then why can't i do it. it kills me knowing that i let something so achievable slip through my fingers. not because i want it or care for it but simply just for the satisfaction of it. to prove a point. to maybe feel like life isn't that hard.

what ifs have a grasp on me. detaching from the present to live in a hypothetical. rarely do i tap into what's happening around me. even then. disappointed, i withdraw.

there is this undying, pestering want to achieve everything. a want to do everything, be everything. never settling for one thing. losing everything as a result. opportunities gloss by me. too scared to reach out and cement a future. settling for mediocrity is the last thing i want. but. mediocrity is my undeniable truth and my heaviest burden.

if that's not enough, i am but the myriad of the things i want to achieve. but trying to be good at several things and lacking excellence in all is not praised. yk jack of all trades master of none and all that. but then what am I supposed to do? carry on with something i'm not naturally perfect at? absurd.

perfectionism. procrastination. laziness. doubt. hindrance to what i could have had.