#eatsomecake

Let me tell you something about allergies. They have exploded all over this country. The real problems are the people who are too incapable of using their brain in a non robotic manner, who sit on their asses and watch THE NEWS for christ’s sake. Yeah, sure i’d love to dedicate a half hour of my life to education on the increase of crime in my immediate area, and whose cars are getting broken into inside the parking lot of my place of work, OH and lets not forget the ten item long list of the newest harmful items i may have in my pantry, OH i can’t buy tomatoes for a month now because there was a small outbreak of fruit flies in a shipment across the country. Okay, darnit what am i gonna do with all them damn tomatoes.

NO. no.

When i was growing up, the peanut allergy was just starting to ease it’s way into the spotlight when it came to lunch, snacks, activities, parties and such too many children were being shipped off to the hospital covered in hives or sporting an epi pen in their leg. The best part though, the best part ever is that THEN the next week or so goes by without said child in school. Comes back one day, shows up to class early with his raging bull of a mother. Mother dearest then begins cursing his first teacher of the morning, questioning her intelligence and awareness of allergic reaction. Like it’s her fault for thinking that someone who is allergic to peanut butter…would’ eat a peanut butter cookie? Of course her kid is deathly allergic to peanuts like straight up dont fucking eat peanuts kid kind of allergic. Which makes me think, if your son is unfortunately burdened with this allergy, life or death allergy, wouldn’t you make sure you take proper precautions when sending said child to school? SERIOUSLY what do they give kids who don’t have a lunch? PEANUT BUTTER and jelly sandwiches. They make allergy awareness necklaces for a reason, so just in case their own personal kryptonite slips their mind someone else can step into responsibility and slap that damn cookie out of their hand. Point at their necklace, and then they look down and go Oh yeah I could’ve just died man,

It’s no joke, but don’t expect everyone else around you to know about your personal allergic needs. we can’t read your damn mind, honestly if you taught your child how important it is for them to NOT eat a certain food item, they probably wouldn’t, right?

here is an example

Mom of the year: Listen here Timmy, remember that time we went to the hospital because your face blew up and you couldn’t breathe?

Tim tim: Kinda. I remember it hurt, and i know its because of something i ate

Mom: Thats right Timmy!! Your face morphed into a balloon because of the walnuts in that cake you ate. Now, timmy do you know what would happen if you ever ate one of those again?

Tim: I’d go to the hospital and have to get needles in my back again?

Mom: No sweetie. You would seize to exist on this earth. The walnut has a magnificent power over you, it is your one and only enemy. You can never be strong enough to defeat it. Stay far far away from the walnuts or you will die. Okay honey?

Simple. Straight to the point. Educational. do you think timmy will ever touch a walnut again? no what if hes at a party and someones like hey timmy try this cake i made from scratch today, he might say sure thanks and grab a slice but then the voice of his mother will ring through his eardrums like a church organ flashback, reminding him of his kryptonite and it’s hidden powers. he will then, theoretically, ask the bakestress if there are walnuts anywhere in this cake, being that he’ll die if there are she will then say why, yes timmy there are an absolute shit ton of walnuts in this cake. i fucking love walnuts, but if theyll kill you…i do believe it would be a bad decision to eat some.

bing bang boom. it’s not my job to mindread, background check, or give you a lie detector test in order to save YOUR own life. no one is going to ever want to give you any kind of reward or treat if you come at them like a murderer.

post sticky notes all over your doors and shit, i dont know.

YO, REMEMBER NOT TO EAT SHELLFISH. YOULL DIE

DONT EAT ANY FUCKING GRASS. SMOKE IT, BUT DONT LIKE ROLL AROUND OUTSIDE OR MAKE A EARTH SALAD CUZ YOUD DIE, FYI

REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME YOU MET A WASP? YEAH FIRST AND LAST TIME. BRING YOUR DAMN EPI PEN WITH YOU

PUMPKINS? NOT NOW NOT EVA BROTHA REMEMBER YO WEAKNESS

EAT NOT COCONUT. THERE IS NO TRY ONLY DIE