#eat!

That but it's Ethan's isolation and yearning. He's convinced himself that he's not allowed nice things like friends or relationships because he has a job to do. Pursuing a personal relationship is just a distraction that only serves to make him feel better rather than help the cause. It's a reward for when this is all over. He can earn it by doing his job.

But that doesn't make the desire for it go away. At the start, he's desperate for it. He wants so badly to love and be loved that it makes him hurt to think about it. But he's nothing if not a dutiful son, and he holds off on it until he can no longer feel his stomach rumbling. He gets used to it, but he still needs people around him, and while his mind doesn't think his isolation is affecting him, his body knows better.

Every time he's around people, it makes him almost sick. Their presence just highlights how alone he is and how badly he wishes he weren't. But he's gotten very good at ignoring that desire. He pretends the nausea is guilt, which is half true, over how much he wants to give in to temptation and let himself be distracted. He also pretends that he's just so bad at being around people that it makes him feel weird and awkward and uncomfortable. He's not meant to have friends, see? People aren't supposed to like him, see? If this is how he feels being in a room with someone, then surely that just goes to show how deeply antisocial he really is.

Small brag sunday look at this MEAL i made.

The pork belly sauce is literally just Gochujang & honey. I made it while listening to this free audiobook of L. M. Montgomery's The Blue Castle

The gray lumps are braised aubergine which I've been hoping to make since new years eve when my friend's gf orderd it for dinner. It was all delicious.