#dromedy

(This is a fanfiction show about every queen from RuPaul’s Drag Race going to college and getting into fights/struggles/romance/mischief/mysteries, all with some laughs along the way. Enjoy!)

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It was a cool summer day in central California, with animals bright as the sun, for once a more quieter city, especially for Cali, and most importantly little traffic, good for one bus of queens.

The front row of the bus had a gloating Aquaria, talking to one of her friends on the phone about her successes after winning, while Miz Cracker right next to her sat looking in the other direction, arms crossed, and probably streaks of steam coming from her head as she’s forced to hear her half-friends talks of money, jewelry, fame and worship. The next seat had the team of Monique Heart and Dusty Ray Bottoms facing each other with quiet whispers of the other girls.

Dusty then asked Monique “Girl, have you seen this part of San Francisco before? I don’t recognize it.” Monique replied “Nope, doesn’t look anything like I’ve seen. All I was told was that we’re all going to a special gig.” Which gave Dusty a confused face into the distance. She looked at Monique again and said “Do you know what the name of the place is?” Monique just nervously shrugged after a wide-eyed look to Dusty. “Do you see something purple outside?” Dusty looked back and said “No.....I’m seeing red.” They both looked out in wonder.

The seat behind them had Yuhua Hamasaki, in a very deep sleep with half of her body on the floor and the other half on the actual seat, and for some reason a 1st grader’s book plastered over her face in the middle pages. Sitting poised next to her, Blair St. Clair, was cross-legged with a small coinpurse in both hands, and staring wide-eyed at Yuhua’s pose and loud snoring.

Next to them was Asia O’Hara and Vanessa “Miss Vanjie” Mateo. Vanjie couldn’t help but notice Asia’s lack of a smile for the entire bus ride, presumably due to her failed butterfly stunt during...that performance. She decided to try to cheer her up by saying “Miss Vanjie?”. Asia only shifted her eyes at her with a dead glare for a few seconds until staring at the floor again. Vanjie reached for her hand as Asia shed a single tear.

Behind them was Monet X Change and Mayhem Miller, both questioning the too long ride like Monique and Dusty. Monet saw Mayhem’s raised eyebrow and said “May-may, don’t you live in California? How come the road’s turning as baron as the fun in this bus right now?” Mayhem responded “This is strange, there’s always buildings in this city, never cacti and sand. I’m sorry, am I seeing pink smoke?” Monet leaned in overlapping Mayhem into the window. “No, I’m seeing orange dust. It’s probably just some erosion.” Granted Monet was skeptical in saying that.

In the back was The Vixen and Kameron Michaels, with Kameron peacefully listening to some light synth-pop on her with her earphones in closed eyes, while Vixen on the window end looking over at the opposite seat in deadlock - Eureka O’Hara looking at her with just as ferocious eyes, while Kalorie Karbdashian Williams in between them shifted her eyes back and forth in worry. She whispered to Eureka “Are you two gonna let this go? It’s been a year.” Eureka whispered back “I’ll let it go when she apologizes” Vixen heard and whispered “When you apologize” Eureka moved her finger across her throat, while Vixen cracked both her gold-covered knuckles. Kalorie wanted to absorb herself into the seat to avoid a possible quarrel, but she couldn’t help but notice the stream of blue and yellow smoke coming from the outside.

Suddenly, when Aquaria stopped talking to her friend, she noticed outside the window “Holy shit, I think it’s snowing!” Cracker looked at Aquaria in a face of disgust and ridiculousness, which quickly turned into bewilderment as soon as she saw over the window. Monet walked over to their seat and said “Snowing?! In California?! My ass!” She scooched over Cracker to look at the window next to Aquaria. Dusty grew concerned and tapped on the seat of the busdriver. “Excuse me. Where in the fuck are you taking us? We’ve been here for 6 hours!” With no reply after a minute, Monique chimed in with her “Hello?! Do you know how Google Maps works?” Dusty kicked the bus driver seat “HEY!” She finally decided to look over and soon Monique noticed a look of panic in Dusty’s face, as if she’d seen a ghost.

“There’s no one in the fucking seat....” Monique looked over the seat to see an empty driver’s chair and let out a frightening shriek. Vanjie overheard all of this and said, “Are you bitches smokin’ som...” she said until she too noticed the baron seat and almost fainted onto the floor if in wasn’t for the passenger seats she grabbed onto.

Soon everyone on the bus was in shock and terror, with Blair yelling “We’re all gonna crash and die!” She tried to open the bus window but couldn’t manage due to her hands shaking furiously. Cracker pulled her back and said “Are you stupid?! The bus is at 100 miles per hour! What’s happening!” A pink pixel hue over the windshield started forming, which caught Vixen’s eye first. She screams “Look over there! Mayhem, isn’t that the pink you saw?” She replied “Oh my god, it is! Is.... is this Ru or something?” Suddenly, RuPaul herself appeared on the windshield, and all queens froze in a mixture of shock, confusion and somehow relief for some of them.

The holographic Ru calmly told them “Don’t you worry kitty girls, all will be well and good when you get to the college. Be sure you packed everything, you’ll be here a while!” followed by an ecstatic laugh. Everyone looked at each other without a word. Yuhua suddenly woke up and took the book off of her face, and gleefully said “Hi girls! Why’s everyone standing?” Aquaria looked at her in amazement “Were you asleep this whole time?” Yuhua said “I don’t know actually, I think my eyes might’ve been open. Hey, why’s the bus vibrating?” Blair screamed while clamping Yuhua’s shoulder’s “We’re all gonna fucking die!” Eureka slapped Blair across the back of the head and said “calm your ass down! “I think we should just stay in one spot. Ru’s probably not going to kill us after season 10 just finished!” Monique challenged “Then why is she making us go in the speed of Nascar?” Aquaria responded “Maybe just good technology? I haven’t spent my $100,000 yet! There’s no way something bad will happen.” Kameron thought out loud “What did she mean by college?” the other queens looked at each other with the same question

Bursts of rainbow smoke and specks of glitter and confetti cover all the windows. “Are we running over a pride parade? What the fuck is happening?!” Exclaimed Cracker. Suddenly, the bus stopped in a strong halt. Some of the queens fell forward including Eureka landing on Blair, which resulted in Blair letting out a bloodcurdling scream. Monet said “Girl, we’re fine, no one’s dead or maimed or whatever.” Blair shouted “You try being 4 feet tall and crushed by a hippo.” Eureka rebuttled “That’s an elephant to you, sweetie.”

The doors to the bus opened gently, all of the queens walked out slowly in cautious steps, noticing the ground was made of a cloud-like substance. Small specks of rainbow circles, presumably balls of fire stars or possibly streetlights, were barely visible behind waves of fog. The only building in sight was a large castle-like structure, all white, with orange and purple flags on the tips. “What...is this place?” murmured Aquaria as she led the rest of the season 10 sisters with scepter in her land like an Amazonian tribe leader. As they walked up to a 20 foot tall gold gate with red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink, white, black, brown and grey diamonds studded into the bars in that same pattern over and over, it suddenly opened, with a grinning RuPaul standing in front of the 100-stair steps of the house.

Asia in a slight yell of panic said to Ru, “What are you doing to us? You’ve sent us to... f-fucking Candyland, and you’ve almost gave us all a heart attack!” Dusty added “Asia’s right, you could’ve just told us about this before we got on a bus that turned into a fucking subway!” Yuhua also added “Specifically a japanese bus - Ru, what’s up?” Ru simply laughed feverishly and explained the story.

She said “You see ladies, there was a little show about turning some regular women into drag queens with the help of my season 1 to 4 sisters. Does anyone remember.... RuPaul’s Drag U?” Kalorie said “Oh yeah, I remember that, it was cancelled because of bad ratings.” RuPaul chuckles and said, “Oh no, I personally cancelled it, and only said it was because of the ratings to keep the secret.” Cracker asked “What secret? Is this the “college” you’re talking about?” Ru responds “Well, I have something to say - I’ve built a set of machines that can take over the world! They’re called the Dragulators, of course! What it is is a set of ray guns that when shot by a gay, can make a straight person do any sort of thing under mind control.......including ending homophobia.”

All the queens stood in shock with whispers from queen to queen. Vanjie asked “So what that got to do with us?” Ru laughed at Vanjie with a subtle wink that only an awkard looking Vanjie and Vixen noticed. Ru said “The issue is, I only have this technology in these guns, and I have no teleporter. Which is why I have my new set of recruits.” Kameron thought and said “Wait, so have the other girls done this?” To which Ru said “Oh, bitch, they’re still doing this! That’s why we have the dorms here!” “You have to stay here for life, with very few contacts to the outside world.”

All of the queens suddenly gasped and thought “Dorms?! For Life?! Sharing a room with another bitch?!?!” Aquaria shouted “You know what, if we’re ending homophobia, I’ll do it. Especially in pride season!” Monique, Eureka, Vixen and Cracker walked up behind Aquaria, Vixen said “As long as we still do performances, I’m going for it!” Monet looked at the 5 as if they lost their mind. She said “Are you crazy? I think I can handle a little dumb homophobic nobody if I don’t have to live in Equestria, who’s with me?” Blair, Mayhem, Vanjie and Dusty all raised a hand, with Dusty saying “True that, I have a husband to see every day, and I’m not losing him, let’s go”

Before any of them could take a step, Ru said “Oh, I guess you wouldn’t be paid then. Monet said “Paid? We’re getting paid for this?” Ru chuckled “How does.......$25,000 a day sound?” Both Kalorie and Aquaria shouted “What?!” with one sounding joyful and one sounding saddening. Ru then asked “Would you do it now? You can still use the internet here you know?” Monet, Blair, Mayhem, Vanjie and Dusty looked at each other with all smirking together. Mayhem turned to Ru and said “We’ll do it! We can take the homesickness, right gals?” They all shouted a reluctant “Yes!”

The remaining 4 - Asia, Kalorie, Kameron and Yuhua - were still on the fence. Kameron said “There’s no way I can do this, I need to see my family, friends and fans all the time. I’m out.” Ru scowled at her and pulled out a small gray box with a big red button on it. She used her other hand to slap as hard as she could. As soon as the four were near the bus, it disintegrated in a gout of rainbow flame. Ru slowly walked to the gate and said “Do you change your mind?” Yuhua let out a big gulp, with Kameron forced to say “Um....Alright, I’ll...we’ll do it, r-right Asia? Kalorie?” Asia and Kalorie nodded in fear. Ru in a millisecond turned to glee and proclaimed “Great! Welcome my girls, to Drag U! I’ll escort you to your dorm-mates!” Vixen shifted her head quickly to Ru and shouted wide-eyed “Did you just say dorm-mates?”

~~~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~~~

@blacksuitsdiamondmobster

*Your ticket is handed to you and you are politely instructed to head to your left and down a short incline where one of the ushers will help you to your seat. The play is being hosted in one of the smaller auditoriums of the theatre house, though it is no less well kept with plush seats and ample leg room for all guests. As more and more carapacians pile in it is soon clear that the night has been sold out once more, you were quite lucky to secure positions within the middle seating section. The lights dim around the audience as those on stage pop on. There seems to have been a slight addition to the right portion of the stage, the audiences left, a half circle portion just out slightly. On it appears to be a judge’s bench with 2 smaller tables and chairs in front of it, these items have been angled in such a way as to cause no obstruction to the main stage, yet remain adequately visible from all seats. 

ACT 1: Scene 1

The wide red curtain opens up to show a slim portion of the stage itself, which is being illuminated by the first row of lights. Behind the red curtain is another curtain, made of a sort of thin, somewhat transparent material that shimmers in certain sections. Shadows of the actors are visible behind this second curtain. Their still shadows making them seem as if they are being seen through a fog.

From stage left enter the Usher; a small framed man, the Defense Counsel Percy Farquar: of average height, nervous gait, and untucked shirt, and Prosecution Counsel Gervase Trimble; dressed to the nines and walking with a purpose. The Usher pauses at center stage as the 2 men continue on to stand by their seats in the small courtroom area. The Usher clears his throat and begins addressing the audience*

Usher: Good ladies and gentleman of the jury please stand for his Honour Justice Grimble Doggerel

*The Usher allowed a few brief moments for the audience to humor him before the judge was given his signal. The Judge enters, a tall, foreboding figure, his dark robe billows behind his thin body might be reminiscent of death himself if the wig didn’t sway in a most ridiculous fashion as he makes his way behind the bench.*

Usher: Please be seated. *He pauses while the noise of people moving settles* I declare the court in session

Judge: Thank you….er, do you have a name Usher? *He asks, a pointed brow raising on his stark white features, barely glancing at the smaller man by his bench*

Usher: Watt.

Judge: I said *He raises his voice a smidge for the man, figuring his height gets in the way of his  hearing* do you have a name Usher?

Usher: Watt sir.

Judge: *Losing his temper already* Listen carefully Usher for goodness sakes! I asked you your  name.

Usher: My name’s Watt m’lud… *He speaks in growing confusion*

Judge: I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you! Defense Counsel who is the Usher?

Usher: No m’lud, I’m not who I’m Watt

Judge: You’re the Usher! *He leans forward in his bench to glare down at the little man, wig askew*

Pros: If I may m’lud- *He sits up a bit straighter in his chair to properly catch the Judge’s attention*, the Usher’s name is Watt

Judge: It’s the name he was christened

Pros: I know m’lud… *He quiets down upon noticing that his attempt was in vain*

Judge: Well I don’t what’s his bally name?

Def: I know it is, did you know all the time, m’lud?

Judge: *He looks positively ready to smash each and every one of their heads in with his gavel, instead he does the proper thing and moves on with the case at hand* Now Usher- *He gives the small man a pointed glare* -please read the charge against the accused

Usher: M’lud, members of the jury. This being the 15th day of June 1925 in the court of Justice Grimble Doggerel Case Number 25 the Crown versus The Rosehip Theatre. The charges are as follows that they did, on three separate occasions perform a drama, described as humorous for an audience that had to pay to watch, and that said audience failed to laugh once.

Judge: A very serious charge whoever they are *He scoffs at the theatre which currently houses   them, rearranging some papers before him in mock importance. He does his best not to look off stage left at where the manager is glaring at him*

Usher: Watt.

Judge: I Said- *He raises his voice again* A Very Serious Charge. Now, have the jury been sworn in?

Usher: Yes sir, they’ve been swearing at me for the last ten minutes *it earns some good-natured chuckling from the crowd*

Judge: I’m not surprised. An Usher who doesn’t know his own name doesn’t bear particularly well for the proceedings of this court. Now, who is the Prosecution Counsel?

Pros: Here, m’lud *He stands, straight backed as possible as he introduces himself* Percy Farquar, of Farquar, Farquar, and Farquar

Judge: Oh yes, *He softens tad* I knew your brother, it of a fool, I seem to remember. He was a  silly Farwuar, by all accounts.

Pros: *His face takes a downcast appearance for a moment, a smidge of shame washes over his features* Thank you m’lud…

Judge: And the defense Counsel?

Def: Here m’lud. Gervase Trimble of Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, and Grub

Judge: Excelent *The judge leans back in his seat, calmed now that they seem to be making progress*. Right Mr. Trimble, you may proceed with the case for the Prosecution

Pros: Thank you m’lud. *He sits himself down and produces some flashcards for the case* This is a strange case and one that will be difficult to solve. There may be trouble ahead, but if there’s moonlight and roses, and love and romance, let’s face the music and dance. It involves intrigue, murder, and mayhem. So let me take you to the start of our journey, to the local police station of Grimdyke-under-the Wold, where Sergeant Manners is taking a telephone call from Sir Hector Croquet of Meddler’s Top *His voice takes on a dreamlike lilt to it as the lights begin to dim on the court and the sheer curtain slowly begins to open*