#dreamsofaparadox

This was never supposed to happen, you were never meant to be this important to me. I found love right in front of me, slowly falling every day, where it wasn’t supposed to be.

I’ve tried to cut you off, but I missed you more than I thought I would. This is dangerous, I refuse to depend on people or let them in, but the night my world caved in your the only person I would dare let in. The only one I want to let in. How do I leave that? How do I run from maybe one of the best things to ever happen to me? This is either the best choice of my life or something I will regret till the end.

As much as I put on the show of the tough strong independent girl who doesn’t need anyone or anything. I am glass, it appears tough but one wrong move and I break easily the littlest things put cracks everywhere that can’t be fixed until I just shatter.

You scare me. You’re nice to me and I’ve never had anyone genuinely care and just be nice. The little things you do scare me to death but it’s like a drug I can’t get enough of. I only see myself getting hurt but I don’t want to stop, I want to let you break me. You make me feel things I didn’t think I could or would ever let anyone make me feel again. You tore down my defenses without me realizing it and I’m scrambling to rebuild them. You completely terrify me in a way that is addictive. You make me feel so comfortable in a way I never thought I could. I’m trying not to stumble and fall. Everything you do I find so intoxicating but one mistake may have killed everything before it even started. I can’t get it out of my mind, but I can’t get you out of it either. I don’t know what to do.

It was easier when we were friends, I knew where I stood, it was safe. Then you had to go and push my boundaries and give me a taste of what I’d wanted since I saw you. Then I caught myself falling slowly confused and unsure. It hit me then out of nowhere I liked you, then everyday it just got better and better. I was so hopeful and as soon as I said it out loud it all came crashing down. Now I’m hurt when I shouldn’t be, jealous when I have no right, confused because I thought I was good enough, angry because I let my guard down. We talked everything made more sense, I saw you on my birthday I didn’t know how to act. I put on my smile and best chill vibe and tried to be normal. I knew better than to cross the line I did, but I wanted it. I saw all the good and fell for it and now I’m back to square one as always. It’s hard not to take it personally when the same things keep happening.

Part of me wants to yell, scream, cry and just lay it all out there, but your not him. We aren’t anything, never were. We don’t have years of history, we don’t have anything to even give me the right to do that. All I can do is write it out on here to try and relieve some of the stress, because what good would any of it do? It doesn’t matter that I would do everything I could in the world to make you happy, it doesn’t matter that I’d always be there, it doesn’t matter that I’d help however I could, it doesn’t matter that I’d really genuinely care. None of it matters because I will still never be enough. It’s in my dna to never be enough for anyone and I’m scared that’s the fate I’m doomed to.