🌪Paradoxial

And for the first time in over a year…it hurts a little less. For the first time I can see I’m healing, I can breathe a little better. I still remember your hands holding mine, how they’d brush my skin, the look in your eyes when I looked up, but it doesn’t sting as bad anymore. I feel how much I miss it, but I’m going to be ok. I really think I am.

Missing you comes in waves, usually it burns a little all the time, but sometimes you take me to my knees, make me lose my breath, and I can’t decide if I want to scream and yell or just stare. I would burn the world for you, but you won’t even light my candle.

I do not know where or how to start this conversation with you. The one I don’t want to have. But I’ve ran out of options you don’t want me, that’s been made clear. And I want you to be happy but I can’t keep hurting myself in the process. And I kept jumping back and forth on what to do because how do you look at someone whose lit up your world. Whose made everything better and just say I love you but no. How do I look you in the eyes and say I need to let you go? Not because you don’t matter, you matter too much and that’s a slippery slope. This was always going this way but If I don’t leave now it’s going to go up in flames. I want you in my life I just don’t understand in what capacity.

How do I let you go? How do I just walk away? You are something words don’t give justice to. I need to leave, to run. Your like looking in the mirror and discovering parts of myself I forgot existed. Your the home I never had. Good, bad, beautiful, ugly I want it all. You knock down all my walls like they’re dust, I want to give you all the keys to these dusty old boxes in my head I never dared open.

“The problem is I’ve never been loved, not loved how I need or want to be loved. I have always been a placeholder, used for whatever reason and I let it happen just so for a moment I can feel close to someone and feel needed. I just want to be enough, I want someone to love me. I want a love in the movies or that you read about in books. I want someone to fight for me and stay. I want to be loved. I have always felt so alone, but been surrounded by others and that’s one thing but I’ve never ever truly been actually alone. So just please, let me lay here and feel a little less alone. Just let me hold you.”

Your a funny thing, I can’t seem to shake you. You got under my skin like no one has in almost a decade, you’re the best. You showed up when I least expected it and I know your leaving soon but damn. I’m going to miss you. I hope you get everything you want and more out of life, you deserve it.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to be smaller physically, mentally, all to fit in. They say be less this be less that. Don’t be too smart, don’t be too loud, don’t fall to quickly. Boys don’t like that. So I put myself in this box trying to be accepted to have what everyone else haves and it doesn’t work. Then I try too hard and I’m too much. But when I see you I don’t feel like I have to try, I can just stop and let my guard down and be myself, and that’s really scary. So then I try to rebuild my walls and revert back to old habits, because what if you don’t like it, what if you don’t like me and then I find out you don’t. I don’t have the energy to keep pretending, so I’m going to do what I should’ve a long time ago, and just be me. To be fragile, uncomfortable, scared, but also bold, brave and feel everything. I’m going to risk it all because it’s what I deserve, I’m leaving my box and going to try.

“Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest parts of you.”

For me it’s all the good and bad and everything in between. It’s the light that glimmers in your eyes when you get excited, it’s the pain you try to hide when you struggle to open up. It’s your ability to be vulnerable and kind after everything. It’s your will to change and want to be better. It’s your laugh at the stupidest little things that make you fall over and hug yourself. It’s your passion for the things you love. It’s how intelligent you are without realizing it. It’s your humor to turn a bad mood into a good one. It’s your compassion to help wherever you can. I could keep going but it comes down to the fact that as imperfect as you may feel at times you are so much more than you realize. You are a total goofball, stupidly smart, annoyingly kind, intriguingly complex, genuinely handsome, and are beyond good enough. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for and deserve nothing less than spectacular.

She was the girl that had all the love in the world to give. He was the guy who couldn't love her back, who couldn't show how he really felt, who couldn't give her the love that she deserved and it broke her. She would question why she wasn't good enough. Why? No matter how much she gave, she never got it back, and instead of blaming him, she blamed herself. She stayed up countless nights wondering where things went wrong or what she could do differently to change them. When it came down to it and it wasn't working anymore. He left and she was still broken. She thought maybe he was the only reason that she was ever happy, but the truth is he didn't make her happy. It was the love that she was giving that made her happy. It was caring for someone and seeing someone else smile that made her happy and even though she didn't feel that happiness herself, she was okay with that. He was happy and he was all that mattered to her.

I don’t remember the night we met much besides bits and pieces, but the next day I knew I was going to be in trouble. You were so real and reminded me so much of myself, my home, and I knew you were blind to it, so I did what I do best and ignore it and let other people be happy. Then you were suddenly him, my new go to, my best friend, a new piece of myself I found.

Why is it the scariest thing you can do is be yourself? Because at the end of the day when you let down those walls and show someone all the good, bad, and grey in between they often leave. It’s one thing to have someone judge you and leave when your walls are up. But to show all of you unapologetically and not be enough? For love to turn into hate? There’s nothing more cruel than to feel as though you are the problem and being yourself is a crime. So it’s easier to hide. To be the wild child, the life of the party, the one who doesn’t care, because if they don’t like it then it’s easier to deal with knowing it’s not the real you.

I am toxic to myself. I have this overwhelming desire to be loved, wanted, and needed. For someone to really see me and just want me. To be the first and only choice, not an option.

“What are you supposed to do when you spend your entire life worried that you’ll never be enough and terrified you’ll always be too much?”