your sister and you leave the party, both still feeling the haze from your earlier activities, though your mind is buzzing for different reasons. your mind is split between the glee of reunion and the shame of wanting. I mean, she’s your sister. you can’t let yourself cross that line, but how close to it could you risk nearing?
“which block is your dorm in, Mads?” you ask as the two of you descend the steps down to the street below, party still bustling behind you.
“east.” she hops to the sidewalk from the second to last step. “c'mon, this way.”
“ughhhh… did you have to pick the dorm on the opposite end of campus?”
“it was the only block with solo dorms open!”
“you got a solo dorm??” envy drips from your voice as you ask. “but they're so much more expensive, how did you…?”
"jealous? I've even got my own bathroom!” she snickers to herself. “mom covered it, though.” she puffs up her chest a little bit. “covered all 4 years! just took a little… persuasion. I mean, how can I focus on studying if my roommate is being loud?” she sounds proud.
“oh that's rich. you? studying?" you chuckle. “it's a miracle you made it here on time without me bailing you out on your assignments every night.” so many evenings spent helping her through page after page of neglected assignments due the next morning. oddly, you feel warm remembering it.
“yeah, well…” she pouts a little as she walks alongside you. “maybe I put the work in for once…” she looks away from you at nothing in particular. “I had to graduate on time.” there's a lingering determination in her voice.
“wait, really? you did that all yourself?” she nods softly as she walks. you snatch her from behind in a hug. “my baby sister finally acting responsible, I'm so proud!” you tease, though the feelings are genuine.
“sorry, sorry…” you chuckle. “I mean it, though. you did great, I'm proud of you, Mads.” you pat her head.
a few moments pass, she doesn't shake your hand away. “you feelin' okay? usually you shake me off by now."
“whatever… it's cold out.” her pout is audible in her words, she sounds oddly shy compared to a few moments ago.
“oh, you should've said so.” you release her from your hug before grabbing your toque off your head and fitting it snug on hers. it's big on her, so it goes down past her eyes at first. “pfft—sorry, here. lemme fix it for you.” you get in front of her and lean down to her face to pull the toque up past her eyes, finally being able to make eye contact with her again. you can't help but think about how cute she looks in your hat, her cheeks are all rosy, her eyes look so pretty at night… you stare for longer than you should, your own cheeks reddening before you realize how closely you're standing to her. you lurch back up and turn away from her, hoping desperately that your thoughts were quiet enough. you clear your throat. “better?” your voice hitches slightly.
“yeah…” hers does, too. “thanks.”
“no problem. c'mon, lets keep going.”
the quiet of the evening is louder now, the moment has passed but it hangs over your head. you two walk in silence for a while, quiet broken by the passing of cars and the chirps of crickets in the bushes. you keep slipping, you need to get a grip. it's not even been a week, and those long buried feelings are clawing their way back to the forefront of your mind. how much more can you take…?
“oh, hey! I almost forgot there's a park on campus.” you snap out of your haze as she speaks. “y'know… it's a pretty nice night for a sit by the water.”
“thought you wanted to go hang out in your dorm?”
“I do, but wouldn't it be fun to go chill for a while?” she looks off towards the still water. “we could talk, y'know? catch up a bit. maybe hit your pen a lil' more…”
you snicker. “welcome back, Mads. was wondering where you went.”
“fuck off, like you don't want to.”
“I dunno… I'm feeling a little tired.” you lie.
“c’mon, Claire. I thought you were a stoner now, isn’t smoking in scenic parks at night like, your guys' entire m.o.?”
“alright, yes, but…” you trail off, remembering when the students association surveyed everyone on what to fill this space with. you voted for a parking lot, hoping that it’d make your upcoming parking pass renewal cheaper. you figured everyone was too busy studying to actually appreciate it. looking back, the price wouldn't have changed either way.
you look out over the water now, maybe it’s just the drugs or the alcohol or just relief from leaving that party, but you're glad your vote didn't sway it. the water ripples gently from the breeze, the moonlight dances across its glittering surface. compared to the party, the quiet is serene. it really is the perfect night for sitting by the water, but… you look at Mads. the way the moonlight catches her eyes, the wind flowing through her hair just so. she’s beautiful, she’s everything, she’s… why did she have to be your sister? can you keep your feelings contained, if you went down there with her?
“Claire…?” what if you let more slip out? you’ve gotten lucky so far. “Claire?” what if she figures it out, would she hate you? “Claire.” she came all this way, you can’t ruin university for her, she only just got here—
“CLAIRE!!!!!” you get grabbed by the shoulders and shaken back to earth. “girl, you’re spacing out worse than ever, I thought you were on meds now!!”
“the—ey wear o—off!!” you blurt out while you’re being shaken. she stops now that she’s got a response from you, you shake your head a bit. “I had class early today, I can’t help it!!”
“some of us are trying to hang out!!” she huffs. “c’mon…would it be so bad to enjoy the night a little?" she's pouting a little, but it doesn't seem like she's trying to push your buttons for once.
“well…” you crack. like always. “alright, sure. I guess I didn't said I'd walk you straight to your dorm, did I?”
“snrk—you can't do anything straight, girl." she grabs your wrist. “c'mon!”
“Mads—!” you protest, despite knowing she's right. as she drags you down to the water, you find yourself giggling. you've missed this feeling, going on the little adventures she'd drag you into, never knowing which way she'll take you next. your time with her is always full of surprise, isn't it?
she drags you from the street, pulling you through the trees as you two approach the water. going downhill with her pulling you like this is messing with your already poor balance. your foot catches on a tree root and you tumble down to the ground, your chest bounces off the grass.
“ohhh shit, you okay Claire?”
“I'm fine,” your strained voice exposes your lie. you start to push yourself up off the ground, your arms are wobbling and your tits burn like hell. “I just… gotta get back u—”
you're interrupted by a hand reaching down to your face. you follow the arm up to her face, she's looking down at you. her face is dark now that she's facing you, but can make out the glitter in her eyes and a soft, somewhat teasing smile. “I got you, Clairebear.” the moonlight shines through the foliage behind her head, you can't even feel the pain anymore. it must seem like such a small moment through her eyes, but in yours…
guilt gnaws at your heart as you reach a shaking hand to hers, sickened by how you see the stars in those little green eyes. “t—thanks, Mads…” you take her hand and she helps pull you up, struggling a bit with your size advantage.
“now hurry up, I want to sit by the water.” ah. she's back again.
you giggle as she pulls you along once again. you step as carefully as you can down to the edge of the pond. you thud back onto the ground, resting your elbow on your knee as you get comfortable.
Mads lands hard on the grass, splaying out on her back. “aaaahhhh…” she exaggerates a long, weary sigh. “this is a pretty nice campus, Claire. I see why you came here.”
“it has its moments.” you chuckle a little at her.
“I know, here.” you pull your pen out of your pocket and pass it to her. “try not to choke on it this time, alright?”
“ughhh I'll be careful, mom.” you've heard those exact words so many times before, hell this isn't even the first time they were pointed at you, but they carry a new weight, now. she pulls on the pen for a few moments while you wallow in the memories brought to the surface. she exhales carefully, before stifling a few small coughs at the end.
“not bad, kiddo.” you stifle a giggle, you know she hates it when you call her that. “probably shouldn't be proud of that, should I?”
"fuck off, you're only a couple years older than me." she stifles a few more coughs. “you are, though? proud I mean.”
“generally or about you smoking?”
“well, I feel a little guilty about the weed, but… admittedly I kinda always wanted to do this with you." you fidget a bit with your hands. “speaking of which, quit hogging it.”
“pfft, sorry, jeez. here." she giggles a bit and grabs your wrist, opening your palm and smacking it back into it.
“harsh.” you bring it to your lips and take a drag, holding for a few moments before you exhale. “aside from that, though… of course I'm proud of you, Mads. you've come a long way since I last saw you." her cheeks look a little redder, now.
you go to pull again on your pen, thinking about how much things have changed since then. your eyes clench a bit as your thoughts drift back to your mother, the night it all came out, losing it all. you accepted their scorn, you'd rather be you alone than forced back into the mask, but… now Mads is here with you, too. in a way, it feels like you dragged her down with you.
“Claire?” she snaps you back, again. “it's blinking.”
you look at your pen, light around the base flashing red. you'd forgotten you were hitting it. as realization strikes your throat ignites with the burn your thoughts had been suppressing. you cough it all out, hacking like it was your first hit.
“oh, girl… I thought you could take it, Clairebear?”
“fuck—” you continue coughing. “—off, Mads.”
“I mean… should hit you pretty hard, at least.”
“yeah… you're probably right—" you stifle a few more coughs. “how are you feeling?"
“nice… really calm.” she looks off towards the water once again. “what about you?”
“I'm fine, I've had it worse than this.” your head starts to feel a little fuzzy, it's been a while since you hit it for that long.
“not just that, Claire. you've been zoning out all night… something on your mind?”
your heart skips a beat as she asks, of course she noticed. how do you explain it without making her think you're some kind of freak? “I—I…” you're stammering again, get a grip. “I just… why are you here, Mads?” you could've said that better.
“ouch. thought you'd be excited." she scoffs, deflating a bit at your answer.
“no, I—I just meant…” the weed isn't helping your lack of words, and you feel awful for making her feel like that. “I came cause I could afford it… and the acceptance letter came quick.” you don't hide your dejection well, it's been a couple years now but that wound still aches. you sigh. “I love that you're here, I was so excited when you told me, but… why did you come?” you pull your knee in closer to your chest. “mom could've sent you to any school you asked for, even the ivy leagues. so why—?”
“obviously I came here to see you?” she sits up, looking at you confused as though it's that simple. “plus, I didn't want to get drilled at some fancy school… it sounds like a pain.” she looks out towards the water. “and… it wouldn't be fair to you.”
don't ruin your makeup. don't ruin your makeup. you wrench back the mist in your eyes and grit your teeth. “it wasn't your fault, Mads…” you grip your knee tight. “you shouldn't hold yourself back, just for me…”
“who says it's just for you?” she's got that fire in her eyes again. “it was my choice to come here, I didn't do it out of pity, alright? I did it cause I missed you." she speaks firmly, she's serious about this. her words linger in the air, echoing through your mind.
the fight against your own tears gets harder, you forgot how much you missed these talks with her, how sweet she is to you whenever you need to hear it. “Mads…”
she catches herself. “sorry, I don't mean to get upset, it's just…” she trails off again, tracing circles in the grass with her finger. “when mom kicked you out, I was… terrified, Claire.” she looks away from you.
“I—” your breath is shaking. “me too, Mads…" the memory sears you as you recollect it, those feelings still white hot as though it were yesterday. “I wasn't sure if we'd ever get to see each other again…”
“do you remember our last hug, before you left for the airport?”
you chuckle softly. “I do… wanted to pick you up and carry you out the door with me.”
“I know,” she puts a hand over yours. your heart skips a beat. “I know... I wish you could’ve. I missed you…” she looks… broken. like she hasn’t finished grieving you.
“I… I missed you too, Mads.” your voice comes out airy, swept up in the emotions her words stirred in your heart. "thank you… for coming here, I mean."
“it's nothing…” she giggles a bit. “I had to attend somewhere, thought I'd have some fun with it, at least.”
“you could've taken a gap year, done some travelling.” you snicker. “knowing you, you'd convince mom to let you backpack through Europe on her dime. make her believe it's for your studies, somehow.”
she laughs. “I could've, yeah. wouldn't have been hard." she looks back toward the water. “I'm happy with my choice, though.”
the two of you sit there in silence for a while, enjoying your buzz and the calm of the park around you. crickets chirp between the blades of grass, the wind rustles the leaves in the trees and ripples the water calmly. it's not usually this quiet when you hang out with her, is it?
“do you know any smoke tricks? like… any you could teach me?”
you burst out laughing. “you just want to hit it again, Mads.”
“alright, yeah… I got one. its basic, but watch.” you take a drag from your vape, letting the last bit pool in your mouth. you look at her and open your mouth, inhaling the smoke through your nose in a loop before exhaling it all back smoothly through the mouth.
“alright, alright…” you shouldn't be letting her hit it this much, but you've loosened up a lot from all the puffing, and she's handling it well, isn't she? “lemme give you some pointers.” you clear your throat. “let the last bit collect in your mouth, and when you pull it in through the nose, just breath in. don't try to force it out of your mouth.” you hand her the pen. “oh, and don't try this with a flavoured pen unless you want to sneeze until your nose stings.”
“you're weirdly responsible for being such a stoner.” she takes the pen from you.
“just shut up and try it.”
following your advice, she pulls in, manages to pull a bit through her nose, and exhales. she's trying very hard not to cough, it's adorable. “how was that?” her voice is strained.
“it's okay to cough, y'know. you look like you're gonna burst." she coughs near immediately as you finish your sentence. “you did better than I did my first time! I couldn't grasp that you can't inhale and exhale at the same time for a while.” you laugh at yourself a little. “I'm not great with tricks, still can't blow O's no matter how hard I try.”
“y'know, one time at a party, I saw these two girls smoking together outside… one of them took a drag and grabbed the other by the hair, blew the smoke right down her throat."
“that's hot.” why the fuck did you say that. “I—I mean, uh—”
“pfft,” she giggles at your sudden embarrassment. “you're right though, it was. I want to learn how to do that.”
“me too, actually… I've never tried it.”
your words hang in the air for a moment, you're suddenly intimately aware of the quiet around you.
“y'know…” she breaks the silence. “we could, like… practice it, if you wanted.”
“wh—” your breath trembles. “practice it…? like—”
“yeah, like try it out.” she cuts you off. “it's not like it's a big deal.”
“I—I mean…” you're stammering, fighting against odds to conceal how this is making you feel. you look around, surveying for prying ears. “there's no way we could, Mads… I—I mean, we're sisters…”
“exactly, we're sisters, so it wouldn't be weird. it's not like we're making out or anything.” she huffs a little. “c'mon…we're just trying to learn for later, right? would you want to fuck it up in the moment with the first girl you manage to lay before graduating?”
“you don't know I haven't…” you lie softly, you know she does. “… I—I guess not, no.”
“exactly.” she crosses her legs and swivels to face you. “c'mon, it's just practice.”
just practice. is it really, though? can it be ‘just practice’ to you? can you be normal about this? could anyone…? “I—I… right, just practice.” you can already feel the blush creep across your cheeks as you turn to face her. “I—um… how should we…?”
“give me your pen, I'll start.” she holds a hand out expectantly.
“r—right, sure…” you put the pen in her hands. you watch as she raises it to her lips and begins pulling on it, trying not to panic. time feels like it slows down, you know what she's going to do when she stops hitting it. just be normal, Claire. do you even remember how to, now? what if she can tell how much you're gonna enjoy it?
she pulls the vape out from between her lips. oh god, she's going to do it. the hairs on the back of your neck stand up straight, you're stiff as a board. can you really do this? she gestures for you to come closer, before getting impatient and grabbing the back of your neck. “breathe.” she commands, you can only oblige.
she pulls you in and locks your lips with hers. they're soft, warm, hers… she forces the smoke down into your lungs, you quiver as you breathe deep from her. you don't want it to end, fuck you want to stick your tongue in her mouth, but… shit, you're not being normal about this at all. her breath fills your lungs, it feels just as warm as her lips. she pulls away, to your dismay, and sits staring at you for a moment.
“Claire. breathe.” shit, right. your breath stutters as you finally release the smoke. did that really just happen…? “jeez, that good, huh?”
“I—I… sorry, I just—” your voice trembles, barely audible against the soft splashes of the pond. “t—that was… I—I've never—”
“what?” her face lights up, she has a mischievous look in her eye. “aw, don't tell me that was your first kiss?” you pull both your knees in, even with them covering your face, you're beet red. “awh… that's adorable, Clairebear.” she coos, mockingly. “your first kiss was your own little sister, I dunno if that makes you a pervert or just sad.”
“god, shut up! you were the one who wanted to do it!” you fire back, you're steaming in your own embarrassment. you know it's both.
“oh, yeah. you could've tried harder.”
“don't make this my fault…” you continue hiding your face. “I've already got hell to pay when mom finds out."
“she wont, I wont let her." she snickers. “god, you're such a dork." there's a tinge of affection in her words as she speaks.
you whimper and retreat further into your legs. you know it's not normal to react like this, but you can't help it. what even is normal for this situation? do normal sisters do this? you're not sure which answer makes you dizzier.
“hey… it's okay, Claire. I got nervous after my first kiss too.” you peek out from your knees, she's giving you a soft smile, she means it. “sorry, didn't mean to overwhelm you.”
“it's fine…” you mumble into your knees. you pull your face up again, the breeze is a welcome relief to your burning cheeks. “you did?”
“yeah…” she laughs. “got dared to kiss another girl in middle school. it was just a little peck, but she acted so grossed out by it right after." she flinches slightly as she remembers. “guess it was only a big moment for me…” she grips her wrist tight, clearly pained by the memory.
“do you want me to fight her.”
“pfft—” she erupts in laughter, throwing her head back. “yeah? you're gonna fight her? should I call her up, tell her to meet us by the playground?” she still can't help but laugh at sudden jokes like those, you always loved getting her like that.
“I'll fuckin' do it. I'd win.”
“Claire you're big but you're too soft to hurt anything. you'd put her under a cup and carry her outside.” she teases.
"yeah… you're right." you snicker. “made you laugh, though.”
she giggles. “…thanks.” she sighs and gets to her feet, taking a second to pat the dirt off her ass. you look for longer than you should. she turns to face you and reaches a hand down to help you up. “c'mon, it's getting cold, lets head to my dorm.”
“yeah, good idea.” you take her hand and she pulls you to your feet. “y'know I can get up on my own, yeah? seems like such a struggle for you.”
“yeah, I know.” she grabs your wrist and pulls you off with her. “it's this way, just up the path I think.”
the two of you walk up the path through the trees, swaying happily after all of the hits you took. you reach the street once again and cross it to the block just opposite the park.
“home sweet home!” she pulls out her keys and unlocks the outer door. “well, almost there atleast.”
“still can't believe you got one of the nice dorms. fuckin' jealous, y'know.”
“I deserve it.” you agree. “what, is your roommate that bad?” she snickers at you as you enter the block.
“she's great! I just like having my own space…”
“chin up Claire, only a couple more years.” you two make it to the stairs and start climbing. “you can always come hang out in mine, if you want.”
your heart beats loud. “sounds nice…” you two climb a few floors and enter into the hallway, walking to her door.
she unlocks it and swings the door open. “here we aaaare!” she cheers as she puts her keys up on the little hook. she hops over to her bed and flicks a switch, the room lighting up as the string lights surrounding it flick on in unison. “so? what do you think?”
it reminds you of her old room at home. she's got all her stuffies lining the bed, she brought her cork board with all those photos of her with her friends, there's a lot with you and her on it. she's got her band posters taped up too. the nostalgia is almost overwhelming, the resemblance is so similar, you feel just as safe in here as you did at home. “it's perfect, Mads.”
“damn right it is!!” she has a proud smile on her face as she flops down onto the bed.
“small, though.” it's a shoe box, about half as big as her bedroom back at home. “I like it, it's the cozy kind of small.”
“thought you would.” she gets comfortable in bed. “oh, hey! check out the bathroom too!”
“oh god that's right, you suck." envy drips from your voice as you speak. you walk into the bathroom and flick the light on. it's tiny, but it's a functional, private, non-communal bathroom. for one person. “make me a copy of your key. I'm coming here to shower from now on."
“pfft—” she giggles at your forwardness. “Claire? is that you?” she smiles at you. “they told us not to do that.”
“like you give a shit about the rules, c'mon.”
“alriiight, fine. only cause you're cute when you get demanding.” this girl is going to give you a heart attack. “I get priority, though. if only one of us can shower it's me.”
“a—alright, yeah, fair. as long as I can use it I'm happy.” you chuckle, you didn't actually expect that to work, or for her to say that. “actually, could I use it now? I haven't since we got to the party.”
“oh! yeah, sure…” something about her tone changes, but you can't place it. “I'm gonna get changed while you do that.”
“alright, thanks.” you try not to lament missing it as you close the bathroom door. as you unzip your pants and start to take care of your business, you idly glance around the room, still amazed at the idea of a private bathroom. you gaze over at the counter around the sink, she's got all her makeup lined out, her toothbrush, h—her birth control…? you struggle to contain your shock, why would she need this? why else would she need this…? you flush quickly and walk back to the counter to wash your hands. you try, but you can't keep yourself from glancing at it. fuck, she's been taking it for over a week, at least… stop. be normal. you want to splash some water in your face, before catching your makeup in the mirror, you can't mess it up. you dry your hands off quickly and rush out of the bathroom, unaware you're running into another test.
you burst back into the dorm proper to find your sister in the midst of changing, you were so distracted you'd forgotten she'd said that. she's wearing one of your old boy shirts, she's swimming in it. she's bent over right now, pulling up a pair of fluffy PJ shorts. she glances back towards you. “oh, welcome back.” she says nonchalantly. she's… wearing… oh god. be normal, you can't, fuck. your hands fly up to your eyes, you can't look.
“fuck, shit, s—sorry, Mads! I—I,”
“Claire you're a girl now, remember? chill out, it's fine.”
“o—oh. right…” you pulls your hands away from your eyes to catch her pull the shorts up. there's no question, it's those panties… fuck. fuck.
“god, Claire, you don't have to look so embarrassed about it.” she's looking back at you now. “it's fine, really. we're both girls, right?”
“y—yeah…” she knows as well as you that doesn't change anything. “still getting used to it, I guess…”
“you were like this when you came out, too.” she snickers as she sits down on the foot of the bed. “so nervous, always worried you were crossing lines. it's alright though, I'll keep reminding you until it sticks.” she smiles sweetly at you, before looking at you confused. “d'you need an invitation, or are you gonna sit?”
“right, sorry…” you step over and sit on the bed, looking awkwardly away from her. you can't get the image of it out of your mind.
“no need to be sorry, Claire.” she reminds you. you look over at her, she looks happy to have you here. she groans as she reaches an arm up to stretch, probably sore from all the walking. her shirt rides up a touch as she does, you see a bit of her midriff, she looks soft… your eyes wander downwards, her shorts are loose, fuck you can see them again. you look back up at Mads, she's looking at you.
“n—no, I—” your cheeks redden.
her eyes widen, a devious smirk curls the corners of her mouth. “oh my god, you totally were!” she laughs at you. “oh my god, Claire, you're such a perv!!” she's right, you feel the guilt twist your stomach. you squeeze your eyes shut.
“I—I…” you're stammering. fuck, you can't deny it. “I'm s—sorry, I just—”
“oh my god, you're totally hard right now, aren't you?”
your eyes shoot back open. you can feel it… “I,” you cover your lap. fuck. you knew you wouldn't hold out, but you still tried…
“w—what?” you look at her shocked, your face a deep crimson. “no, Mads… I—”
she crawls closer to you across the bed, you crawl away until you're backed against her headboard. “c'mon, Clairebear, don't tell me you're nervous now? you got something to hide?” she coos as she approaches, your head is spinning.
“Mads…” your breath stutters, she's getting so close. “t—this isn’t funny anymore…”
“who says I'm trying to be?” she's crawling into your lap now.
this can't be happening, can it? “wh—?” she puts a hand over your mouth.
“you're a shitty liar, you know that?” you whimper against her hand. “god, you know you can't hide anything from me. why would this be any different?” fuck. fuck.
“mmpds…” you try to say her name, you can't—
“quiet.” she commands. you whimper as she order reaches your ear, it makes you burn. “I'm done with you playing pretend around me. it's just you and me now, Clairebear… give me the truth.” she takes her hand off your mouth and reaches into your lap to grab your wrists, pulling them up and pinning them next to your head. “awh… look at you, you just can't hide it, can you?” she straddles your waist, pressing her hips down on your bulge. she's grinding on your… oh god.
"holy shit, Mads…" your breath hitches as you try pathetically to speak. “I—I can't, we can't... c—can we...?”
"bullshit." she releases one of your hands and grips your chin, eyeing you like a starving animal. "I know need when I see it, and girl you are drowning in it." she lowers in closer to you, settling in the crook of your neck, panting hungrily on your collar. "I can feel how hot you are, y'know. how hard that pretty cock of yours is for your own fucking sister." she bites down on your neck.
you squeal, writhing against her jaws. she can read you like a book, she always could. you thought, you hoped, you could protect her from this. "Mads—" your breath quivers.
"you're throbbing, Clairebear..." she coos into your ear, her innocent tone makes you burn down your length. this isn't happening. it can't be, can it? you must have passed out at the party, its a dream. it's a nightmare. it'd be so much simpler if it were, wouldn't it? "you think we can't? do you really think that...?" she licks your neck, you whimper like a dog. “c'mon, answer me.”
you grit your teeth, your panties are soaked, you're scalded by the heat of your depraved need. you want to give in, fuck you want to give her anything she'd ask. "I—" your eyes keep watering, you have to try even if it hurts. even if you want it more than the air in your lungs. "Mads—we... we can't go back, I can't—" your lip is quivering, your breath shakes, you're so, so scared. "if you regret it, I—" you can't hold back the tears anymore, your feelings are just too loud.
"I can't lose you, Mads, p—please... no one's ever been as nice to me a—as you." you choke on your sobs between words. "you're alwa—ays there for me, you ca—ame all this way for me… I can't fuck this up li—ike everything else!" you ball her tank top in your fists.
"I lo—ove you... so, so much… how can I risk that...?" you crumble into her chest, sobbing. it's warmer, now. “I just got you back, Ma—ads. I can’t lo—ose you again…”
her grip softens on your chin. she slides her hand up your face, caressing it tenderly as your push into her loving hand. you grab at her wrist, gripping it tight, you're desperate to keep her warmth close, for as long as you can.
"oh, Claire…" her voice is shaking now, too. "I—I didn't want to overwhelm you like this... I just," she puts a hand through your hair and runs her nails along your scalp, remembering how soothing it is for you. "I'm sorry, Clairebear... I—I thought you wanted this..." her confidence crumbles at your display, the shame in her voice mirrors yours.
“I do!! I wa—ant it so bad!! That’s the worst fu—ucking part!!” you shout through gritted teeth, bawling into her chest as the words erupt from your trembling mouth. “I’ve kept this in for so long…” your arms tremble as you hold her closer, you squeeze your eyes tight. “I tried so hard but I—I... I couldn’t bury it. fuck Mads, I’m s—so sorry…” your guilt spills over, it crushes you more now than ever. You were supposed to protect her from anything, be the good big sister, but you couldn’t even protect her from your own desire, from yourself. you've ruined so, so much.
you sit there for what feels like eternity, sobbing pathetically into the one you hurt so irreparably. you grip desperately onto her shirt, a silent plea, begging her not to abandon you. like the rest of your family, like your own mother, you can't lose her too. she pushes your head back gently til you can look her in the eye. she wipes your tears away with her thumb. “I’ve got you, Claire…” she giggles softly. “what’d I tell you about ruining my hard work, hm?”
Her casual tone shocks you out of your spiral of shame. you light up, sobs now broken up with your own giggles. “t—that’s what you have to say to me??”
“made you laugh, though.” she smiles at you, stroking your face with her thumb. her expression shifts slightly, eyes full of worry. “it’s been eating you alive, hasn’t it?” your sobs grow louder as she asks, you can only nod. she casts a gentle gaze over you, as though caressing a broken toy. “it’s okay, Clairebear… you won't lose me, no matter what you say. you're stuck with me.” she's serious. the smile on her face is so genuine... is this really okay...? "I want to hear the truth.. please, Claire. I want to hear what you want… not what the world wants from you." what... you want...?
you sit there trembling beneath her as you think about how everything would change, about how you could never, ever move on. about the scrutiny and secrecy that'll be the jagged bedrock of this new life, should you choose it. you think about how it could all go horribly wrong one day, how you'll callously sever your most cherished connection. it terrifies you, you clench your eyes shut.
you feel her cup your face. you open your eyes to look at hers, dewy and glistening from the moonlight pouring in through the window. she smiles at you, her expression radiates love. she looks just like she did when you came out to her all those years ago. just as warm, just as accepting.
could... she really... accept this, too...?
you grab her wrist tight, and squeeze your eyes shut. oh god, you can't turn back. "I—I," you speak in hushed whispers, you can't hear your own voice over your beating heart. "I want you, Mads..." you’re really doing this, things will never be the same. “Mads… don’t stop. please, please don't stop.” your breath quivers, before you is everything you’ve ever wanted, your wildest dreams… is this really okay? “I love you, Mads… I—I need you. please…” your life has been split into the before and after.
her breath quivers in tandem with yours. “can I kiss you…?”
you nod. oh god, you nod. “please…” your once perfect eyeliner runs in streaks down your face.
she pulls you by the back of the neck into a long kiss. you whimper into her mouth, breath shaking against hers. her lips are so soft, they taste so sweet to you. her lips, her hand on your neck, her… your mind spins. “my Clairebear…” your heart skips a beat, she pulls you into another kiss. she holds you there for a moment before she pulls back once again, she giggles at you. “you look pathetic.” she sounds hungry. “open your mouth for me." you nod and whimper before you comply.
“Mads—” is all you manage to get out before she slams her lips against yours, her tongue working it's way inside. it spirals around yours as you moan obscenely into her mouth, she tastes like vodka and weed… just like you imagined. she starts grinding against you again, your breath hitches as you feel her start to soak your lap. she pulls her tongue out of your mouth, staring at you fervently as you pant and whimper.
“Claire.” she growls, moaning through gritted teeth.
“mhm…?” words fail you as you ready yourself, your eyes are full of adoration.
“I need you to be a good girl.” she leans in close, putting a hand on your face. “can you do that for me, Clairebear?”
“I—I,” your heart is pounding, your mind is racing. you can't string two words together, you've fallen hopelessly under her spell. “anything… a—anything…” you whimper as the words escape your lips, it's the only thing you can think, right now.
she looks like she's going to eat you alive. you hope she does.
