#donewithmoon

Wed reading first. I did it a while ago but I like read it really indepth and really enjoyed it. Didn’t talk about it in class (cuz i never talk in class) but I really enjoyed the history part about urban gardens not being a new hip thing, urban gardens have gotten us out of alot of real situations (he listed 6, from war to famines) and I am a strong believer that nothing is new under the sun and we need to simplify again. 

Now Friday. 

Friday ended up being really good even without you here which was awesome! Especially because I was scared. (when the lady that came with us forgot her name :( sends us the pics then they will be added!) 

We finally truly did something and it was really cool! We made the swing all by ourselves (well obv with the help of John and numerous others, but still....). It was really cool! Like it was sooo cool to have a tangible project. 

I am happy that it was our last day there because I could finally feel it today that Moon was done with us. which is real we all have our moments. and I am done too there is a season and this season has passed. I kinda wished that he didn’t even invite our class if he didn’t “need us” but I have to respect where he was at the time when he asked us and people change, and are allowed to. Like even today he didn’t even hide it he was talking to some random white dude all day that was telling him how he can hang up cable wires and fabric to do his element thing. Like im ok he wasn’t breathing down our throats but liek can you wait till we leave before you move on? (howver really appreciative of their hospitalitiy, having somewhere warm to sit, having delicious snacks from them all the time, etc that cannot be ignored). 

 I am happy that even though it was confusing and we didn’t “do” much that I had my cute little 4 person group and got to do it together and I really enjoyed Sol and Joanne and even talking to Kirra a lil (she was the main leader so obv couldn’t talk to her as much when she was doing stuff...) . Also while waiting for the drill to charge got to talk to Sol and Joanne a lil about Korean names instuff, got to hear hers and attempt to say Brad and Chris’ (which is really cool since I go to a predominately Asian church but NEVER talk that much about cultural stuff, and I want to, why be in diverse environments if we just gonna ignore all of our differences). and got to listen to Joanne share a little bit about her life. (SOOOOO blessed by her!). and Dorothy (Moon’s roommate was really nice to us today (especially since I don’t usually interact with her) and she gave us donuts. 

It also taught me how fast you can get stuff done when you stick to a plan. Like it was sooo easy to hang up the swings. I need to transfer that in my own life and not procrastinate and just do it because it makes life wayy less complex. Hopefully I can start on this paper after I finish this blog...

Then I went to the bus stop team (I wanted to go where Joanne went and tried to follow her but then I had to drop off nails to the bus stop team so then I had to go, and my whole team went to the bus stop except her so I should have went). However, it was really cool to see it.

It was  sad too because their bus stop was AMAZING! since they had so much creative freedom and could actually do stuff, since their was no one breathing down their necks to do stuff that they didn’t even know what they wanted to do. (we literally couldn’t even do different heights on the swings because him and dorothy both said something, wtf do you want us to do then? nothing, well you got your wish then.) From the floor with urbanite and the log chairs to the cool designs that they painted on the benches,etc. I didn’t like everyting that they did creatively though, I thought the back had too much designs and i wish that they kept some of the wood unpainted (im sure once its done it will even out though since they were all really creative and I trust their taste completely after seeing all of the amazingness today). 

also having music was AMAZING! seriously i really enjoyed having the stereo. and listening to pop music! they had good tastes. Also got to talk to Chris a little bit and that was cool and the lady. She was sweet pissed I forgot her name. Oh well. 

 It was also sad and made me jealous because we had the exact opposite situation and had like nothing to show for all the time we were there for really :/. oh well, memories and bonding and learning about ppl will have to suffice. 

                                        Updated July 16, 2018

These testimonies, articles or reports are all from former members of FFWPU (Family Federation for World Peace and Unification) / Unification Church.

KOREAN former members

‘Ashamed to be Korean’ Shock: “Ashamed to be Korean” gives a report on the Moon scam Laser on the Moon family scam

Papasan Choi aka Nishikawa Masaru aka Choi Sang-ik January 15, 1987 testimony given in Japan on why he left the FFWPU / UC  (in Japanese) 統一教会問題と私、及びその未来 – 西川 勝氏

Syn-duk Choi  崔信德 1921-2016 Choi Syn-duk (Ch’oe Sin-dok) was an Associate Professor of Sociology at Ewha Women’s University in Seoul. She received her undergraduate education in Korea at Ewha and did graduate work in social science at the University of Chicago where she received an M.A. degree in 1957. After her return she served as Advisor in the Education Division of USOM, and in 1961 accepted an assistant professorship at Tanguk University. In 1963 she joined the faculty of Ewha University. Professor Choi has written books and reports on Korean-American subjects and on the dating attitudes of Korean college students. She is now engaged in an anthropological study of Korean village life. She was once an active member of the Tong-il church [Unification Church] and was closely associated with Moon Sun-myung. She had a son named Yoo who held, or holds, a senior position in the UC / FFWPU.

Choi Syn-duk: Korea’s Tong-il Movement. XLIII: pages 101-113. in the magazine Transactions of the Royal Asiatic Society No. 43 (1967). This issue has other well researched articles about religions in Korea. A PDF file of Volume XLIII (No. 43) can be downloaded here: http://www.raskb.com/transactions/VOL43/KORS0749D_VOL43.pdf

Kenneth Suhr I am Kenneth Suhr and a Korean 2nd gen of the UC Forming a Local 2nd Generation Group An Open Question about the UC Second Generation – Kenneth Suhr Blame v. Responsibility in the Fall-out from the FFWPU and Sun Myung Moon

Sam Park   朴進慶 (Park Jin-kyung) Sam Park testimony 2014 Sam Park 2015 response to feedback

Annie Soon-wha Choi  催淳華 Interview with Mother Jones magazine:Meet the Love Child Rev. Sun Myung Moon Desperately Tried to Hide “The entire movement was built on a lie” Annie Choi http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2013/12/reverend-moon-unification-church-washington-times-secret-son PDF of Mother Jones article The New Republic – The Fall of The House of Moon

Chong-hwa Kim  金鍾和 / 金鐘華 Sun Myung Moon lived with her during 1946 – February 22, 1948 when they were both arrested and jailed. Both were married to others at the time. Moon had one son, Sung Jin Moon, and she had three children. 1946 Moon’s ‘second wife’, Chong-hwa Kim in North Korea 1948 The tears and anger of Mrs. Chong-hwa Kim Sun Myung Moon was a repeat bigamist, in 1948 and again in 1964

Kyong-rae Kim  金景来 Was a member in the 1950s Book: 社會悪과邪教運動  Social wickedness and the cults movement (1957)

Myung-hui Kim  (male)  김명희  (金明熙) Book: 문선명의 정체 (1987, 1989) The Identity of Sun Myung Moon (1) by Myung-hui Kim

Chung-hwa Pak  朴正華  1913-1997 Book: 「六マリアの悲劇 真のサタンは、文鮮明だ!!」(November 1993) Tragedy of the Six Marys – the real Satan is Sun Myung Moon!! Book: 野錄 統一敎會史  (세계기독교 통일신령협희사)  (March 1996) An Unofficial History of the Unification Church (A History of the Holy Spirit Association for the Unification of World Christianity) The Tragedy of the Six Marys book The Tragedy of the Six Marys Japanese video The Tragedy of the Six Marys Japanese video transcript Interview with Japanese member of parliament Did Chong-hwa Pak write the I Am A Traitor a book?

創立同志が告発する統一教会文鮮明の正体

Hyo-min Eu, his sister Shin-hee Eu, Chong-hwa Pak and Deok-jin Kim on Japanese TV

Hyo-min Eu  劉孝敏 “Moon’s ‘Gigantic lie’” Hyo-min Eu, one of the 36 couples, gives his testimony: exploited by Moon, then shunned by Moon. He was arrested, along with Sun Myung Moon, in 1955 and sent to jail

Shin-hee Eu  劉信姫 Interview

Deok-jin Kim  金徳振 Someone who actually practised Moon’s sex relay

文鮮明教祖の「血分け儀式」内容全告白 – 元側近・金徳振牧師

Park Jun-Cheol   박준철 Was a member for 30 years and wrote a book 빼앗긴 30년 잃어버린 30년 (문선명 통일교 집단의 정체를 폭로한다)

Nansook Hong  洪蘭淑  홍난숙 Book: In The Shadow Of The Moons: My Life In The Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s Family. (1998)

For Korean viewers, this is the infamous 60 minutes interview with Nansook Hong (as well as Un Jin Moon and Donna Orme Collins).

Transcript of Nansook Hong on ‘60 minutes’

A review of Nansook Hong’s revealing book

In The Shadow Of The Moons – Nansook Hong   Prologue

Nansook Hong radio interview with Rachael Kohn

Nansook Hong – [C-Span] Book Discussion

Robert Parry reviews Nan-sook Hong’s book ‘In the Shadow of the Moons’

Smurfing in the Unification Church

JAPANESE former members

Miyuki Park   ボクミユキ Why did a Japanese UC member kill her Korean husband?

_____________

Yoshikazu Soejima   副島嘉和 The case of the assault on Mr Soejima 副島さん襲撃事件

副島嘉和   Yoshikazu Soejima and  井上博明  Hiroaki Inoue  『文藝春秋』 1984年7月号に 「これが『統一教会』の秘部だ ― 世界日報事件で『追放』された側の告発」

In the July 1984 issue of ‘Bungei Shunjū’ “This is the secret part of the ‘Unification Church’ – Accusation by the side ‘expelled’ in the Sekai Nippo ‘World Daily News’ incident”

Moon’s Japanese Profits Bolster Efforts in U.S.

_____________

Hiroko Yamasaki   山崎 浩子 Book: 愛が偽りに終わるとき When love turns out to be not true Hiroko Yamasaki, an Olympic gymnast, joined and left the UC

Taguchi Tamiya  田口 民地 Book: 原理からの回復 (1989) Recovering from the Divine Principle

Kiyoharu Takahashi The Ungodly Gains Of The World’s Greediest Church

Ray and Sonya Pearson video

Teddy Hose Teddy Hose traveled from San Francisco to protest at Sean Moon’s church blessing with AR-15 rifles

Lydia Catina-Amaya Human trafficking in the FFWPU / Unification Church is despicable. Here is one Filipina’s story of her slavery in the US at the hands of Korean leaders.

“May” On the outside, looking in

Jolettah The Way I left the Unification Church – Girl leaves cult and arranged marriage and explores her new life

Jen Kiaba The Purity Knife

Jen Kiaba photos

Life Without Reverend Moon

http://summerofcheesecake.blogspot.com

Miss Mayhem and I decided to start this blog as a bit of a therapy project. We are sisters who grew up together, then grew apart when Miss Mayhem left the Unification Church that we had grown up in. After I left as well, we began to retrace our steps to begin our relationship as sisters and friends again. This blog is a part of that healing process.

“I’m not sure where this misconception came from that a Moon-sanctioned union will be free of heart-ache, gut wrenching fights (either internal or with a spouse), and potential breakup. That should be Lesson #1 in any relationship, in any religion: there are no guarantees that it will work or be immediately fulfilling. A breakup can be a learning tool. But at least at the end of the day, outside of the Unification Church there is proper support for a struggling couple and less threat of “fire and brimstone” if things don’t work out. In fact, the breakups I’ve seen in the UC tend to be much nastier because of the religious ramifications.</rant>”

Anon Church member never allowed herself to enjoy sex because “sex was evil”

Diane Benscoter Book: Shoes of a Servant – my unconditional devotion to a lie (2013)

It’s been a long time in the making… but here it is! Deprogrammed the web-doc. Now take a 15 minute break from whatever you are doing and put on some earphones and enjoy!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Diane-Benscoter/114855778543949 Own Your Brain website

Diane Benscoter’s videos

Meeting Robin Williams

MLP What I Really Learned in the UC:

“Never ever ever under any circumstances ever ever listen to or believe a single word any person, particularly a religious person, ever says ever. Watch only their actions.”

My advice on leaving the UC

The Incident at the New Yorker Hotel

Fun with numbers

Sloe Gin A Letter to Rev. Moon

Letter from a disenchanted student of the Divine Principle.

Yolande Elise Brener All that Heaven Allows – My sexual re-education in the UC

Beyond Belief Interviews Yolande Brener

Book: Holy Candy: Why I Joined A Cult And Married A Stranger (2014) What is the purpose of life? Is there a spiritual world? Does true love exist? If there is a God, why does he allow innocents to suffer? The desire to find answers to these questions – passed to her on a business card – led Yolande Brener to enter a bizarre, 15-year odyssey in a cult that would climax in her participation in one of the largest mass marriages in history. In HOLY CANDY, Yolande Brener pulls back the curtain on the church’s doings – but this is far from a simple black and white exposé. It is spooky, riveting, and utterly believable…

Michael Warder Reasons for leaving

Tim Folzenlogen Hyun Jin Moon’s assault on him

Kirsti L. Nevalainen Book: Change of Blood Lineage through Ritual Sex in the Unification Church (2011)

The Fall story in Genesis 3 was an attack against Sex Rites

CARP members were paid by FBI for spying on Americans  (broken link)

CIA and Unification Church cooperated in Sandinista War

Sun Myung Moon Exchanged Weapons for Drugs

Karen Alleyne Taylor “Moon looked over to Steve, [my husband] who sat only a short distance away and said to him in English, “She belongs to me first”. He looked pointedly at him while Bo Hi Pak translated, “If you don’t like it you can leave the room”. Steve shook his head and said, “it’s ok, Father” or words to that effect. Over the years I wondered what that was all about, I wanted to understand the significance. Now I do understand, the reality has been unlocked for me, thanks to courageous women like Nansook Hong and Annie Choi.”

Adultery and Sam Park

The East Sun Building

Master Marine Gel Coat

The European Machine Tool Industry of the UC

Allen Tate Wood Book: Moonstruck – A Memoir of My Life in A Cult (1979) (with John Vitek) “A Modern day Pilgrim’s Progress with an extended stay among the Moonies, Wood’s self-examination charts a way through a dark night of the soul in which many are still stranded.” — Henry Marshall Ph.D. Dept. of Psychology, Texas Southern University Website: http://www.atwood7.com/ https://www.facebook.com/allen.t.wood

VIDEO: Moon’s strategies for grabbing power clearly explained Allen Tate Wood answers Walter Evans’ questions about the Unification Church (now rebranded as the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification). He talks about Moon’s plans to penetrate the religious, political and economic worlds to further his own aims to grab power. Strategies for gaining the allegiance of leaders were / are very concrete. (23 minutes)

Allen Tate Wood on the Unification Church VIDEO interview with Allen Wood: author, lecturer and consultant on the cult phenomenon…. former political leader of the Moonies in the U.S.

North Texas State pt.1

North Texas State pt.2

North Texas State pt.3

North Texas State pt.4

North Texas State pt.5

“Park Chung-hee [President of South Korea 1963-1979], gave orders to create a new Christian influence that would weaken progressive Christians who fought against his dictatorship.*” Moon’s Unification Church was one of the groups – from that time politics was key to the existence of the UC and the survival of Moon himself, in both Korea and the US. LINK                 * Korea Herald, November 2, 2016 by Ku Yae-rin

A brief critical examination of the Divine Principle theory of history A Pilot Study – by Jane E.M. Williams & Allen Tate Wood

Young-oon Kim said Sun Myung Moon was “a pure virgin until the age of 40”

Moon’s Ignorance – he “spoke to Buddha,” but thought he was Chinese!

My Four and a Half Years with The Lord of the Flies

Inside the head of a new cult member – New Statesman June 2008

Saving your family from the Manson Family – New Statesman July 2008

The social impact of cult groups – New Statesman July 2008

Steve Hassan Book: Combating Cult Mind Control  (25th Anniversary Edition) LINK

website: https://freedomofmind.com

Frank Frivilous How I Evaluate the Influence of the Divine Principle on My Life? “It’s similar to the sensation of having built an elaborate sand sculpture and having to witness it washed away by the tide.”

Moon, WACL, CAUSA, the CIA, the Contras, South America, etc. part 1

Moon, WACL, CAUSA, the CIA, the Contras, South America, etc. part 2

Moon, WACL, CAUSA, the CIA, the Contras, South America, etc. part 3

Fear and Loathing at Cheongpyeong Lake

Benjamin Douglas Cognitive biases – are UC members more prone to them?

Mark Palmer I got married in a Moonie mass wedding He was a public schoolboy from a wealthy English family. So what made Mark Palmer spend seven years as a disciple of the cult?

K. Gordon Neufeld Book: Heartbreak and Rage: Ten Years Under Sun Myung Moon, A Cult Survivor’s Memoir

Heartbreak and Rage: Ten Years Under Sun Myung Moon

Thought Reform and the Psychology of Choo Choo Pow

Peddler of Paradise

Waning Moon

Where have all the Moonies gone?

K. Gordon Neufeld is also the author of Cult Fiction: One Writer’s Creative Journey Through an Extreme Religion.

His website is www.neufeldbooks.com.

Joseph Nikolas Erobha / Sansu the Cat The Lunacy of Rev Moon or Why I Am Not A Unificationist

An Odyssey Through the Shadow of the Moons (Part I)

An Odyssey Through the Shadow of the Moons (Part 2)

An Odyssey Through the Shadow of the Moons (Part 3)

An Odyssey Through the Shadow of the Moons (Part 4)

An Odyssey Through the Shadow of the Moons (Part 5)

An Odyssey Through the Shadow of the Moons (Part 6)

An Odyssey Through the Shadow of the Moons (Part 7)

An Odyssey Through the Shadow of the Moons (Part 8)

An Open Letter to a Skeptical Unificationist

Craig Maxim website: My life and experiences

website: Rev. Moon’s African Son?

Skeptical Pete Dear Mr Moon

Graham Lester A workable plan for an ideal world

Here is a brief essay in which I have attempted to demonstrate how the positive ideals of the Unification movement can be effectively realized without resorting to the dogma and superstitions of the Divine Principle.

Ten reasons why the atom is not a good role model for human couples

Five of the Many Ways in Which the Principle View of the Fall Is Nonsensical

Imagination Theology: The problem and the solution

Arthur Ford was a con man too

Song-do Kim, the woman who created the Divine Principle

The Failure of Prayer

Which is Worse, Orthodox UC or the Sanctuary Cult?

The Unification Church should follow the Anglican model

The Divine Principle is the core problem of the movement and the core problem of the Moon family.

It is indeed official UC teaching that Jesus had sex with Mary Magdalene

Father’s plans to impregnate Mrs. Jesus back in 1978.

Ethics without Religion

Onni Durst is a supporter of the Woo group – led by another illegitimate son of Moon

Ten things Moon didn’t do

Todd Harvey website: http://www.conversationswithtodd.org

My Experience in the Unification Church

Eight Reasons I Got Out of the Unification Church

Church and state: A personal and public tug of war

Richard Barlow Backbiting and Rumour Mongering

Breaking Silence on In Jin, Ben, Alistair Farrant

How “God’s Day” was established on January 1st 1968

Danny Harth My Life in the FFWPU / Unification Church

Natalija Velikorodina My Thoughts After Moonies

Isshi Honesty In The Unification Church

Josh Freed Book: Moonwebs (1980)  – inspired the movie Ticket to Heaven (1981)

  Ticket to Heaven – on wikipedia (it won 4 Genie awards in 1982)

  Ticket to Heaven – New York Times movie review

Barabara and Betty Underwood Book: Hostage to Heaven (1979) A story from Bay Area Unification Church of the 1970s – part 1

A story from Bay Area Unification Church of the 1970s – part 2

A story from Bay Area Unification Church of the 1970s – part 3

Deanna Durham Book: Life among the Moonies: three years in the Unification Church (1981)

Boonville – “It was a very complex set of manipulations”

Childcare in the Unification Church of Oakland

David Sunfellow http://nhne-pulse.org/the-life-death-of-sun-myung-moon/

Susan and Anne Swatland Book: Escape from the Moonies (1982) When you holy salt a room, it is important to first open the doors and the windows so the foolish spirits can get out.

Steve Kemperman Book: Lord of the Second Advent (1981)

Chris Elkins Book: Heavenly Deception (1980)

Jacqui Williams Book: The Locust Years (1987)

Christopher Edwards Book: Crazy for God (1979)

Erica Heftman Book: Dark Side of the Moonies (1982)

YR Faced with the acutely disturbing reality of the Unification Movement… The Dream Is Over Liberation of ancestors by a third party? Re: Bully Reflections on the significance of lineage and of Jesus If Adam and Eve didn’t exist, then there was no fall and therefore no need for a savior. Reflections on a very Korean “messiah” Hooked on the “true lineage” rhetoric

Garry Scharff Interview with Gary Scharff in May 1978

Linda Feher

Moon’s Human Trafficking

Hyung Jin Moon’s revelation about his parents in Las Vegas

The Garden of Eden story reconsidered

The problem with the Fefferman-Panzer debate

The heart of Dr. Rev. Hak Ja Han

Dear Kate Tsubata

Collective Grief: The Five Stages of Grief in the CIG Symposium

The CIG Constitution: Isolationist Dogma

Bo Hi Pak and the Hiding of Sam Park

Hyung Jin said, “True Mother must return to her sons, the True Cain and Abel.”     What does the DP say?

Why I never attended anything by Black Heung Jin Nim, even though I

 was threatened with eternal damnation if I didn’t.

Is the UC my Abel? Right now I am burned out on the whole Moon clan, and I am following my own path. Anyone who thinks they have a right to tell me what to do or how to live had better have very compelling reasons to do so. I don't see overwhelmingly heroic attitudes or behavior on the part of any of them.

Where is the peacemaker in the H1 / H2 fight?

How come In Jin Moon was approved and allowed to run the American UC when she was living a double life? 

Did TF or TM know about In Jin's adulterous behavior while head of the American UC? If not, why not? 

How come the American members are blamed for the failures of the Moon family? 

Where are the hundreds of millions of dollars donated to the UC being spent every year? 

Why is there so much money being wasted in frivolous lawsuits? 

Why do Moon family members receive trust fund payments when their lives are anything but exemplary? 

Is In Jin Moon still receiving UC funds?

Vivid dreams, spiritual experiences, bizarre coincidences... all of these things played a big role in convincing me to join. I perceived them as a form of personal validation from God that I was doing the right thing. After a few of those, I would not have listened to anyone trying to tell me I had made a mistake. The DP appealed to me on an intellectual level. It made sense of all the bible stories I learned in Sunday School. DP built on what was already familiar to me, so it did not seem exotic or strange, like Scientology or Hare Krishna or other groups at the time. 

Over time, my ego and identity fused with the UC. Without the UC/TP/DP, I had no identity. Therefore, it was absolutely necessary that I never quit or leave. Otherwise, I wouldn't exist. 

Fear was also a factor. I believed bad things happened to members who lose faith and leave. Satan would invade. I felt responsible to keep going, even when I felt nothing and was plagued by doubts, because my family and my ancestors depended on me to "get the victory." If I left, they would accuse me of failing them. So I wasn't just in it for myself. 

By the time the Blessing finally rolled around, I was bored with the UC/DP. I would have quit, but I had nowhere to go. It was easier to simply keep going rather than start over. Besides, I didn't want to face my family and friends and hear them say, "I told you so." So my UC ego kept be in check. 

Staying in the UC creates its own inertia. The longer someone is in it, the greater the inertia. I call it the "leathery bonds of convenience." Very tough and hard to break. Simply easier to stay together with a blessed spouse, especially after having a child, even when there's no deep emotional connection. 

Vivid dreams, spiritual experiences, bizarre coincidences... all of these things played a big role in convincing me to join. I perceived them as a form of personal validation from God that I was doing the right thing. After a few of those, I would not have listened to anyone trying to tell me I had made a mistake. The DP appealed to me on an intellectual level. It made sense of all the bible stories I learned in Sunday School. DP built on what was already familiar to me, so it did not seem exotic or strange, like Scientology or Hare Krishna or other groups at the time. 

Over time, my ego and identity fused with the UC. Without the UC/TP/DP, I had no identity. Therefore, it was absolutely necessary that I never quit or leave. Otherwise, I wouldn't exist. 

Fear was also a factor. I believed bad things happened to members who lose faith and leave. Satan would invade. I felt responsible to keep going, even when I felt nothing and was plagued by doubts, because my family and my ancestors depended on me to "get the victory." If I left, they would accuse me of failing them. So I wasn't just in it for myself. 

By the time the Blessing finally rolled around, I was bored with the UC/DP. I would have quit, but I had nowhere to go. It was easier to simply keep going rather than start over. Besides, I didn't want to face my family and friends and hear them say, "I told you so." So my UC ego kept be in check. 

Staying in the UC creates its own inertia. The longer someone is in it, the greater the inertia. I call it the "leathery bonds of convenience." Very tough and hard to break. Simply easier to stay together with a blessed spouse, especially after having a child, even when there's no deep emotional connection. 

I was newly born again, lonely and vulnerable at age 23 in Louisville Ky in 1978. My part-time night job found me arriving at the Circle K at 11pm to pick up snacks and maybe a smile before going to my sad little apartment. I was ripe for the picking and when Paul came across my path selling his Moonie Wares, all I saw was a friendly face and a big smile. And he was also good looking which didn't hurt the deal at all....Hey, I was saved, not dead! 

Paul said all the right things and before I knew it, I had company knocking at my lonely door bringing a projector to show me slides and invite me to go out of town to a beautiful summer house in Maine for a week. They kept calling it a vacation and wow, it sounded GOOD! Somehow things worked out and I found myself on a all paid for trip with nice folks my age headed east. By the time we got to Boston, I was starting to question the wisdom of some things but I figured I had survived some pretty bad things so God would take care of me. 

I was appointed a gal to be my personal guide and I'm a patient person but after awhile I wanted some freedom from her. No way that was going to happen! And all those PBJ's!! But I loved the camaraderie and positive attitudes of most. 

On to Maine we went  and that's where the real work began with high expectations of discipline. By the end of the first week of brain washing, I was anxious to heave ho out of there and hit the road back home to good old Kentucky! My 'hip sister' learned pretty quick with me by that time, I was done with her people breathing down my neck and she lightened up. 

They promised that just one more week and the bus would take me back home but I realized I was in trouble by the mid of that second week. Sure enough, they had more excuses and used lots of good humor to convince me to stay for the FULL 21 DAYS. 

By the end of the 21 days, I was convinced by the Holy Spirit that I had foolishly gotten myself into a CULT and knew too that they had no intentions of my just walking away. Not to say they were physically abusive because they were not. They were however very manipulative and cunning. 

They made me a business offer that would've sounded great if it were truly Christian based which I had fully figured Father-Mother Moon were not. 

I even had an incredible dream that seemed more real than just a mere dream where Father Moon put his arm around me and talked to me so sweetly while showing me how he could make me rich and happy. 

Long story short, I snuck a phone call to a family member in Kentucky who spoke some very strong things to people in charge and within a few hours I was headed back home. 

I am absolutely sure there were many to thousands of young people like me who were virtually kidnapped as I would've been. Luckily I already knew that Jesus Christ is the true Messiah and sooner or later, they would've let me go anyway because I would've been preaching the real Truth which of course they would've shut down. 

I still have fond memories of the people I met and hope that at some point they all discovered the truth of things and found their freedom. 

Thirty-thousand feet seems like a good altitude at which to question one's life. “I am already in motion,” I tell myself. It's a kind of progress. Shortly after my twentieth birthday I was in progress, between JFK and Heathrow, en route to Oslo.

After takeoff the girl sitting next to me smiled kindly, asking where I was headed. I told her:

“To Norway. To visit my husband.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a stack of glossy women's magazines, offering me several. They promised hot sex tips, orgasm-inducing positions, and advice on how to find a man to orgasm with. She pointed to a few with a wink. “Maybe you can find something nice in there for your husband.”

Today, almost a decade later, to use the word husband feels wrong; I avoid it. But at the time it was what he said I should call him. “I am your husband!” he would say. The word sounded foreign in my ears; "husband" was supposed to be a word attached to “honoring” and “cherishing,” and whatever else heartfelt marriage vows should entail. But I had not been given the choice to say those vows.

My parents were married, along with two thousand other couples, in Reverend Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church at Madison Square Garden on July 1, 1982. I was the first of five children, and we were all raised as members of the Unification Church's Second Generation, who were thought to be born sinless and of God's Lineage, through the Blessing marriage ceremony officiated by Rev. Moon. Theologically this meant that Rev. Moon, as the purported Messiah, had created a heavenly lineage through his personal perfection, relationship with God, and marriage with (the much-younger) Hak Ja Han, in 1960.

Growing up, I always had the expectation that Rev. Moon would choose my spouse. In the Unification Church, one didn't date. Flirtatious interactions with the opposite sex were severely frowned upon, all activities were separated by gender, and we referred to one another as brother and sister in order to emphasize platonic relations. Sex before marriage was absolutely out of the question. The Church had a word for that: falling. To fall was the greatest sin that could be committed, and it could not be undone. To fall was to enter the realm of Satan, to be cut off from God and to wound His already-suffering heart. 

Perhaps childhood's greatest tragedy is what we learn to normalize. In my upbringing, to question what we were taught was to invite Satan and the evil Spirit World into your mind; to fend off evil, one must quiet the questions and dive further into the readings and teachings of Rev. Moon. Some of the most effective brainwashing was what we had been taught to perpetuate upon ourselves.

At 19 I found myself on a terrifying personal precipice. I was seriously considering leaving the Unification Church, but with no means of supporting myself and no safety net outside of the insular church community, the notion was enough to bring me to panicked tears. Yet I didn't know if I believed Rev. Moon, his world, or his supposed messianic mission. As a reflex, I was ashamed and hated myself for feeling that way.

When word of an administrative opening in the US Second Generation Department reached my family, I was intrigued. What better way was there to understand what this movement was all about than by working for one of the central organizations? So, before making a decision to abandon the culture of my childhood, I climbed into the belly of the beast looking for truth. That’s where I lost my way.

When the Christmas holidays rolled around, I took my miniscule stipend and boarded an Amtrak train home to ponder the nothingness I had found but had not yet accepted. When I arrived home, there was news: after five years of having parents match their children, Rev. Moon was stepping up again, and was going to conduct a matching ceremony for the Second Generation.

My parents sat me down in the bedroom, listing all of the reasons why I should go. Though it was left unspoken, we all knew that at almost 20 years old, my eligibility expiration date was staring me hard in the face. My mother finished with, “If Jesus came to you and said that he had found your perfect spouse, what would you say to him?” She paused for effect. “Now, how much more is Father?”

How could I say no? To refuse was to deny the remotest possibility that this man might be who he said that he was. I simply had not gotten there in my journey. Besides, I told myself, it was just a matching. My match and I would have time to get to know each other before deciding to get married.

My biggest mistake was to assume that I would be allowed to exercise free will.

My mother dropped me off at East Garden, one of the Moon family's mansion-compounds in Tarrytown, NY, and I entered into the ballroom of the estate with approximately 10 other nervous young people. For the next several hours, one of the Korean leaders proceeded to lecture us on our unworthiness. That’s when I found out that by the time we left, we were all going to be Blessed to someone.

The panic blossomed. I had to leave and began approaching anyone, even strangers, to ask to borrow their cellphones. Repeated calls home, begging my parents to come pick me up, were answered in the negative.

By the end of the day, the ballroom was packed to capacity. Young people from all over the United States, Asia, and Europe had answered Rev. Moon's call. Late in the evening, Rev. Moon came out to address us through his interpreter. Though I had never heard them from his mouth before, I desperately wanted to hear words of wisdom — or something that rang true — from the man who held my future in his hands.

One phrase stuck out to me in the monotony: “Do you want me to match you tonight?” A thunderous “Yes” answered Rev. Moon's question, and we were lined up into rows, divided down the middle, and categorized.

I should have left, I tell myself. I should have simply snuck out of the sweltering ballroom, slipped out of the mansion, and found my way through security to get outside of the compound. Even if I had had to follow the train tracks from Tarrytown back home, I should have left. But with no money, no means of communication, and no idea if I would have a home to go back to if I left, I was frozen in place. Besides, I had been trained to obey.

Suddenly Rev. Moon began pointing. A girl, then a boy would stand up, acknowledge each other, bow to Rev. Moon, and then be ushered out to be “processed” by administrators. My breathing was shallow; I tried to quiet my mind and draw upon the things I had been taught.

Absolute faith. Absolute Love. Absolute Obedience.

When Rev. Moon's finger pointed to me, time stopped. I looked deep into the eyes of the man who had bidden me to rise with his gesture and saw nothing. I was gazing into the eyes of the man who was determining my future, and I had expected to see some sort of timelessness, or to feel as though his eyes were digging into my soul. But he was looking through me, as though his finger had arbitrarily found its way to me in a game of love roulette. I felt suspended over an infinite emptiness.

Then time sped up, his finger jabbed in another direction, then another and another. Three other people stood up, and I had no idea which of the other two men I had been assigned to. One I had met at a summer camp several years ago, but he was looking at someone else. The other man gestured to me and I found myself eye-level with a shrunken and pilled sweatshirt emblazoned with the word “Norway.”

In an instant, I was no longer suspended. A kind of darkness engulfed my mind, the words “game over” ringing in my ears. Afterward, everyone was abuzz with excitement; I desperately looked around to try and find someone whose face mirrored the same panic I was trying to fight. A gesture from above caught my attention. “Norway” was trying to introduce himself to me.

Finally I looked up at the man that Rev. Moon had chosen for me. "Tall" was the only word that came to mind. Over the noise, he tried asking me questions; what they were and how I answered, I forget. Those next hours were a strange blur — alternating between sadness and terror. At one point I borrowed someone's cellphone and called home. It was 2 a.m. and my mother's sleepy voice answered. “I'm matched,” I said without emotion. “To a Norwegian. His name is Chris.” Then I hung up.

We were woken up the next morning at 5 a.m. for morning service. I had lain awake all night, clutching my stomach, trying to keep nausea at bay. Chris found me and approached me with a bagel — the first meal I remember receiving in 24 hours. The smell of food made me ill and I politely refused. Despite his best efforts to chat with me and have the “getting to know you” small-talk, I could barely muster words.

Every so often I would sneak away to borrow another cellphone, calling home in tears. But if my parents had refused to budge before, they certainly weren't going to now that they had a son-in-law waiting in the wings.

The day after Christmas, at the back of that crowded ballroom, I was wearing a wedding dress that didn't fit, standing next to a tall stranger, and repeating vows in a language I didn't understand. After the Blessing ceremony, we had official photos taken. As the photographer told us to say “cheese,” I realized that I couldn't remember how to smile.

I still have that photo. I look like a confused child playing a bizarre game of dress-up; I'm gazing into the camera with a lost expression. Chris is looking away, dressed in an equally ill-fitting tuxedo. The picture would have been funny if it weren't so sad.

That was how I found myself several months later at 30,000 feet, bound for Norway. To fight the mounting dread of the impending arrival, I immersed myself in the magazines that my neighbor had kindly lent me. It was the first time I had ever picked up any material that encouraged an expression of sexuality, and I felt a delicious bit of rebellion wash over me.

As I pored over the pages, I could feel certain gears shifting as pieces of me unlocked and unwound inside. The women in these pages catapulted me into an exhilarating daydream in which my choices were my own. That daydream left an intense hunger within me.

As a 20-year-old virgin, I wanted to know what it would be like to sleep with a man because youwanted to, or because you loved him, not because you were pressured by your parents and his parents to “start family life.” The idea of sex with Chris made my skin crawl, and I had no idea if I would face pressure from him or his parents when my plane touched down.

Rev. Moon died on September 3, 2012, at the age of 92. His daughter, In Jin Moon, stepped down from her role as leader of the American church a few days later, after having given birth to a child from a three-year affair with a married man. While the church has not been a part of my life for many years now, I've watched these recent events and their fallout with interest.

At first, this news of Rev. Moon's daughter didn't bother me. Then the leadership began trying to explain away her actions and affair, saying that she "chose love when she had a chance.” How many of us were given the allowance to "choose love when we had the chance"? That was something we were explicitly denied; instead were taught to feel ashamed for our feelings unless they were chosen for us, and then sanctioned by someone with power over us.

Sometimes I wonder where my life would be if I had sat next to someone else on the plane, who offered to let me borrow a copy of The Economist instead. The girl next to me on the plane offered a small form of salvation; in a kind gesture she offered me a glimpse into a world that I had had no idea existed. It was a world in which I did not need to be ashamed of my body and my sexuality. My desires for love were not evil. It was a world that encouraged me to discover who I was, not a world in which I had to break my inner-self down to fit a preconceived notion of goodness and of womanhood. Most important, it was a world that let me take ownership of my future, my free will, my reproduction, and my heart. It was a world that I finally knew I needed to escape to.