Building in Detroit

why i chose this paper

‘First one i opened and I saw Asian American and incarceration and that was enough. I am invested in disinfranchising (?) our criminal justice system and am very involved on campus with it through PCAP and I have numerous family members who have been or are formily incarcerated so its personal. I go to a predominately Asian American church here and being around so many people that hold that identity has made me very interested in educating myself on it more. 

Paper 

not seeing hs students as allies and having agency in their own liberation. Need to be aware in this because whatever I want to do its gonna be service related working with people and it will be easy to do this ish

identifying institutional violence in their own life (161)-

see this alot in my church like ppl don’t see sometimes that they are minorities too and also are not truly benefiting at the hands of white supremacy too (well really no one is except the ppl on top but its hard to let ppl know that) 

telling ppl about your lives when you see yourself as more privilege than the ppl interacting with or you are more privileged-

There was alot of jargon so hard to understand some stuff and its also late and im tired. 

I saw a rat climb out of a hole and my life flashed before my eyes.

(mice are one of my largest fears in life and its unfortunate since I live in a old house at home that definitely has a mice problem. I have never encountered a actual rat before today…)

I am by Gods grace still kickin though.

I am not good at asserting my dominance in some situations and this class is one. It’s funny for me that you wanted more people to come (like extra people that are from the neighborhood), because I feel like there wasn’t enough for everyone. And since I wasn’t like asserting myself I didn’t do much the first half of class. And it’s hard to because even when I’m like “given” jobs I have them taken from me, since I’m not dominant enough. It happened to me and Sol a lot But it appears that today he got his ish under control today and I did not so I was left behind and it was sad because I was doing nothing and had no one to talk to (because usually I talk to Sol since we were in the same boat :( ). And societal pressures kept me from just leaving and reading for the whole time. I did go to the bathroom for like 7 minutes and wrote a psalm.

Psalm of Marjai 11/18/16

  Father God,My life is not a damn joke.

I don’t have patience for these games.

There is nothing for me to do and u created me to not be a good faker.

I feel like I always need babying or rescuing from people.

Not impressed.

Father help me to find stuff to do.

Help me to be bold with your spirit leading me.

Help me to help my group.

  It must have helped, because afterwards, I then joined the bus stop team and actually did something (a little) (there were less people over there but less work). And then after lunch I stood around some got to talk to Joon hung (Chris)  (he is a triplet)! And then I got to build a hole with Leah (?, Sol told me Liam but she said that wasn’t it and then didn’t catch it right). It was cool and it was cool talking to her too and learning a little bit about her and her life (shes an only child) (ehh more ok, because I am really big on feelings and the convo didn’t flow as comfortably as I would have liked).  I think especially since I have been have better convos with the guys in the class than the girls it was cool to attempt to change that (which is not at all representative of my life, I have like no guy friends).

Digging holes was some hard work that I enjoyed, like sometimes its boring but I really enjoy physical labor, and seeing the end products of what you work on in physical form, which is one of the reasons I took the class. Those holes were deep so it was cool to finish something infuition. Today was a perfect day weather wise so happy to be outside today. Like uber especially since it’s suppose to like snow later this week. It’s truly a gift from God.

Am worried about the weather the next weeks that we are outside for the class……..and finishing this deck…………

Stayed up wayyy to late last night watching the shit show that was our election.

and soo not impressed with our country. and it was hard today, because of that. 

However I do have lots of hope.  I feel peace and I will sleep fine tonight. Some reasons are: 

1. the popular vote voted for Hillary. Hopefully we can use this shit show AGAIN to FINALLY get rid of the electoral college. At least the majority of the people (even if only a little) was down. 

2. Ann Arbor voted democratic. That brought me sooo much peace. Because I feel alot of times that the white ppl here aren’t really liberal and down just doing it cuz its college, but seeing that helped me to see otherwise. That they talk the talk and walk the walk to some extent.  

3. So many people were affected. Its hard but solidarity is SOOOO powerful and I felt so much solidarity today. Honestly it gave me hope in white ppl again (I was losing lots of hope for a long while, especially recently). 

Really really really happy that you addressed it in class. I was SOOOOOO blessed! I cannot even express it in words how happy I was that we ACTUALLY ADDRESSED the elephant in the room with substantial time.  And I know we have the kind of class that we can do that more than some other classes, but I appreciated it more than you will know. And honestly everything you said for me was perfect. No joke. I tried to write notes to savor it in that way but my hands were slow so I just savored it as if I was eating some amazing chocolate (like this expensive japanese chocolate I had before). I can’t describe it perfectly in words but I remember the feelings and that is enough. 

Especially since you have brown daughters. Not everyone who has brown children are woke (one of my roomies currently is biracial and am seeing it play out having a not woke family), so its beautiful to see it happening. 

I need to continue to be ok with being uncomfortable. As you said, I need to bridge uncomfortable spaces. There are people that disagree with me and thats ok. I need to respect them and not judge them for that. Bubbles are cute, but they don’t help me to be better sometimes. Like I need to show ppl the love that can only come from God because I don’t have it for these ppl sometimes. and thats ok. 

also I feel like people disregard (at least here) conversations in place of doing something (like we are always pushing towards something, the end goal) but for me good convos is the end goal, broadening my perspective and learning a lesson is a huge end goal and I am uber content with convos. Especially because I see myself and I will be a grassroots person, on the ground not a policy person. not a large picture person. So convos are enough for me.  

I am so happy that I was able to stay in this class even though it started out as uncomfortable for me. 

Wed reading first. I did it a while ago but I like read it really indepth and really enjoyed it. Didn’t talk about it in class (cuz i never talk in class) but I really enjoyed the history part about urban gardens not being a new hip thing, urban gardens have gotten us out of alot of real situations (he listed 6, from war to famines) and I am a strong believer that nothing is new under the sun and we need to simplify again. 

Now Friday. 

Friday ended up being really good even without you here which was awesome! Especially because I was scared. (when the lady that came with us forgot her name :( sends us the pics then they will be added!) 

We finally truly did something and it was really cool! We made the swing all by ourselves (well obv with the help of John and numerous others, but still....). It was really cool! Like it was sooo cool to have a tangible project. 

I am happy that it was our last day there because I could finally feel it today that Moon was done with us. which is real we all have our moments. and I am done too there is a season and this season has passed. I kinda wished that he didn’t even invite our class if he didn’t “need us” but I have to respect where he was at the time when he asked us and people change, and are allowed to. Like even today he didn’t even hide it he was talking to some random white dude all day that was telling him how he can hang up cable wires and fabric to do his element thing. Like im ok he wasn’t breathing down our throats but liek can you wait till we leave before you move on? (howver really appreciative of their hospitalitiy, having somewhere warm to sit, having delicious snacks from them all the time, etc that cannot be ignored). 

 I am happy that even though it was confusing and we didn’t “do” much that I had my cute little 4 person group and got to do it together and I really enjoyed Sol and Joanne and even talking to Kirra a lil (she was the main leader so obv couldn’t talk to her as much when she was doing stuff...) . Also while waiting for the drill to charge got to talk to Sol and Joanne a lil about Korean names instuff, got to hear hers and attempt to say Brad and Chris’ (which is really cool since I go to a predominately Asian church but NEVER talk that much about cultural stuff, and I want to, why be in diverse environments if we just gonna ignore all of our differences). and got to listen to Joanne share a little bit about her life. (SOOOOO blessed by her!). and Dorothy (Moon’s roommate was really nice to us today (especially since I don’t usually interact with her) and she gave us donuts. 

It also taught me how fast you can get stuff done when you stick to a plan. Like it was sooo easy to hang up the swings. I need to transfer that in my own life and not procrastinate and just do it because it makes life wayy less complex. Hopefully I can start on this paper after I finish this blog...

Then I went to the bus stop team (I wanted to go where Joanne went and tried to follow her but then I had to drop off nails to the bus stop team so then I had to go, and my whole team went to the bus stop except her so I should have went). However, it was really cool to see it.

It was  sad too because their bus stop was AMAZING! since they had so much creative freedom and could actually do stuff, since their was no one breathing down their necks to do stuff that they didn’t even know what they wanted to do. (we literally couldn’t even do different heights on the swings because him and dorothy both said something, wtf do you want us to do then? nothing, well you got your wish then.) From the floor with urbanite and the log chairs to the cool designs that they painted on the benches,etc. I didn’t like everyting that they did creatively though, I thought the back had too much designs and i wish that they kept some of the wood unpainted (im sure once its done it will even out though since they were all really creative and I trust their taste completely after seeing all of the amazingness today). 

also having music was AMAZING! seriously i really enjoyed having the stereo. and listening to pop music! they had good tastes. Also got to talk to Chris a little bit and that was cool and the lady. She was sweet pissed I forgot her name. Oh well. 

 It was also sad and made me jealous because we had the exact opposite situation and had like nothing to show for all the time we were there for really :/. oh well, memories and bonding and learning about ppl will have to suffice. 

[This was written throughout the day and on the bus ride home, also in pen and when I write by hand, since i am a avid journaler, (I have journaled since i was 6) I get loose when I write hence the randomness and the like not pc stuff, but honesty and all that good stuff #don’tjudgeme]

Dang! I miss Detroit yo! Completely suppressed my miss of it.

This summer, I interned in Detroit and lived here for 2 months of the summer at at a non profit called the Detroit Food Academy. To simplify all they did, they help high schoolers with their culinary skills and over the summer they had a month summer academy (also a job!) for some of them (like 20). This program started the second month that I was in Detroit. It was housed in the Horatio Williams building which is in walking distance to Eastern Market. This was on purpose because on Saturdays and Wednesdays, the students sold their products, a granola bar that they created called Mitten Bites at the Eastern Market.So I have been to the Eastern Market a couple times so being back was totally a Deja vu that I completely surpresed and I was soo blessed.

Continuing to be connected with this city even when I am not living there is another reason why I took this class.

Took notes during Ellen’s talk today, some of the most important for me (and not explaining what you already know)  were:

Murals are a preceder to gentrification, because art brings more attention, and then with that more business and then more security, etc you see the picture

City is changing drastically like even in her four years she sees the changes

Detroit border is the busiest border in the country (explains all of the EJ concerns)

I kept thinking about all of the trucks and the idling and the pollution that they bring (one of the girls in my internship cohort was researching on that)

Funded by private donations

I’m so judgemental so its cool to begin again the process of rehumanizing white ppl (especially white girls). I naturally humanized them due to society unconscious of it, became conscious of it so like dehumanization was a way to cope with it, but now coming back).

I then talked to Grace since she is from the city and she said like yeah all of the art in eastern market was completely new. I can’t imagine how it was before, its so hard for me to comprehend speedy gentrification like this.

Working was ok. It was a ½ day and I don’t feel comfortable securing stuff for children w/o a prof there so we didn’t do much.

We just had our bus convo about the indecisiveness of Michael and I probs didn’t feel it as strongly as everyone else because :

1. Not the best at reading unspoken things, especially done by white ppl (as much as I was in the past, and different socio classes also makes it more complex for me now in college). and interpreting the same way as ppl do 

2. I’m indecisive af so i get it

3. And also since he was nice to me its really easy for me to look over/completely ignore ppls wrongdoing when they are nice to me

I do think that next week being the last week will be good though. It probably won’t change too much after we go to another project, because I have like no idea what is going on with the project that I choose, so I have no idea what to do with one that I don’t choose and it’ll be ok.

Also really appreciated hearing about your foster daughters, from you telling us why we might miss class to you talking to Ellen about it because they were really cute and one of the reasons that I really liked you and wanted to take another class with you because you have children of color and I feel that you actually understand that responsibility and act accordingly and I respect that alot. (obv i only see a little snippet of your life as a student, but I appreciated what I saw). And i knew you had to be a really cool person to be able to do that. You and your wife, whos a teacher, which is literally the dream and an example of beautiulness, because most elementary teachers are amazing!

(10:30pm- also I am also trash and have been procrastinating like I am getting paid for it and like just fb stalked people from and that helped me to humanize ppl in my head because as stated in like every blog post since the beginning, I am trash. It was really helpful and makes me want to branch out even more and learn more about these ppl and stop judging them like I do all the time in my head).

(also now in a good mood because I completely messed up and forgot to meet up with a friend but was forgiven so feeling really good! hence the title! and i felt like you probs know bout Doc mc stuffins anyway since the kids (if not put them on it, its amazing my niece loves it and messed me up!). 

[This was written on the bus to Detroit on Oct 28th, by hand and then typed)

Last week oct 21st, was really really good! It was my first week back after my epic miss of the bus. It was nice missing the bus and not having to feel guilty about not being here. Being here (esp. since I resolved to stay) was good too! 

Kirra wasn’t here last week (sick) so Joanne was off leading by herself mostly because me and Sol had no idea really (well she probably didn’t have that much of an idea either, but she killed it). Me and Sol just be confused and chilling, so I probably spent the majority of my time with him. It was really nice! Hes cool. We just looked at each other alot and like had a mutual understanding because were both should know more than we do but don’t and its ok. I also got to learn more about his life. He was born in Korea but moved to New Zealand in like middleschool/highschool (can’t remember which). He also has a brother His dad named him after a pine/evergreen tree that grows in Korea. He also sent me the link to his favorite song of the day (need to listen to it). 

Also worked alot with Henry and that was cool too. He has a little sister who is also 11 months younger than him like me and my little sister! 

(side note: woah,first time I even thought about it, but is saying irish twin that racist since its like literally refering to Irish people having too many babies even before they grow up or something?, - according to urban dictionary it is... and it feels like it is. ) 

Anywho he was on the swim team (like he literally started swimming his sophomore year and got to swim in college, he was a prodigy). doing product design, from Georgia, has a kinda rich gf that now lives in Georgia (not from Georgia). 

So this last Friday was really rough for me mentally, with reasons being in mycontrol and reason out of my control.

Thursday was my friends 21st so her, me and one other friend went out to a bar and talked and it was nice, but it went really late and I definitely felt it really badly the next day. The whole 1st half of the day I felt like a zombie.

 Michael, Laughing moon is really really really nice and awesome. He literally remembered all of our names, I have never been in the presence of something who can do that like that, to that level. It was legit and if I ever become a teacher I want to do that.

Michael had amazing ideas but it felt like our ideas (the 4 students in the group assigned to his project) were wasting our time with all we did. Because the whole 1st half the morning we sat inside and we brainstormed (everyone, not just our group) ideas as to what to do. While it was cool getting new ideas because I know me and my group were done thinking, our ideas were creative instuff so we shared those (Sol wasn’t there at all, he was working on the pizza oven door).

Cool this lady and her kids came and her son also brainstormed for a little while and share and it was cool. I was still in my tired pissed mood so didn’t enjoy the kids as much as I would have liked but that’s life.

Then we had lunch and I left my food on the bus but was sitting in the building so I missed the bus -_-. I wasn’t that hungry though and I meal that I packed was a joke (didn’t plan so didn’t have lots of food), so I wasn’t too angry.

Then I talked to my little sister on the phone and that was my saving grace. Always blessed by her and it was cool sharing my feelings even though I really didn’t understand them, just talking to her is good.

And then we had to compile everyones ideas for the last half of the day. Friday was an AMAZING day weather wise so to sit in a room and talk about the same stuff that you have been talking about forever was a new kind of hell. I was soooooo pissed. I really wanted to be outside and work and enjoy the sun (probably our last good day L ) but I could’t because I had to sit in a room and just listen to people say the same thing over and over. I literally didn’t even contribute at all because it was really hard for me to conceptualize it since my brain doesn’t really work as the other creative ppl in the class. And I enjoy manual labor so I really wanted to do it but was not strong enough to say that so I just sat there bitter.

I am also really considering just withdrawing from this class and taking the W because I don’t like not having Fridays and I even more don’t like the head space that this class puts me in. I feel like it makes me a mean person. I don’t know anyone except Joanne and she is not my savior. Its really draining in ways I really don’t know. It takes me back to my freshman year when I was in my bible study or my trip to Mexico and Ecuador and felt the same way. Also think that Toxicology might be really really good for my specialization (it fits or more with EJ than this class does). I feel like I took it out of guilt, like other people could have took this class in my place but they are not here because I took it, so I feel like I need to finish it out. Also talking to my friends (obv) the class sounds weird to people “why am I doing it” and I am really influenced by people so I also came into the class on Friday with the feelings that I could withdraw if this doesn’t go good.

Title explains itself. 

Nervous about the cold, especially cuz todays kidna cold and I hate being cold. 

But then we ended up working inside today (whihc was good because it was raining and I went to a step show last night so I was tired). 

It was cool to have work time and see the ideas that all the people have. 

Anywho really enjoyed the class discussion that I was able to witness. 

I will attach a pic of the random writing that I was writing about this class b will be working on the playscape. It will be cool to stretch the creative muscles that I do not think that I have.  I remember hearing (not someone in our four person crew of Kirra, Soul (Seoul?), Joanne and I, maybe Simone?) someone say something about a swing with like tassels to make it like a superhero rocket ship extravaganza machine (I made that up, beautiful isn’t it?!?!) so like why not add it to a swing like this with beautiful vines. 

Also Laughing Moon (?) aka Michael talked about a lot of things with us, but one of the things that I remembered and enjoyed was making a walkway of some sort that can be like a teleportation device into another world. 

Also nervous about when the weather gets cold and being outside because I hate being cold....

Also good looking up playscape because I thought it was just like another word for playground but its something different. 

Outdoor simple amphitheater would be really cool too so that they can do programming outside. 

Also apparently Europe has the best playgrounds (of course -_-) but I found this dude that is apparently the expert

https://www.facebook.com/svane.frode?hc_ref=SEARCH

http://www.play-scapes.com/play-design/natural-playgrounds/the-playscape-chronicles-of-frode-svane/

So there has been a lot of back and forth on my part about this class (and my schedule in general) and alot of worrying but i think that i am going to take this class. Because I need to make a decision and I am not convinced enough to let go of this class, even though I know that I will be worse 

A large portion of the back and forth comes with me being the only black girl in a class that we are going to Detroit for. It just makes it awkward and I have been in SO many of these situations and I don’t want to experience it anymore. Like I am so done. And I can feel like me not being myself when I am in this position. Like I am pretty easy at talking to people but then I can’t everything feels like it has so much more weight behind it. I do not like the person that I become hence why I rather just drop the class so I don’t have to worry about that person. 

However I really enjoyed having you as a professor and how you teach and learning by doing especially since i feel like I learn SO much better by actually doing instead of just hearing the jargon and remembering stuff. And I already have so many other classes that I have to do that for. So this class would be an amazing break from it. 

But then Friday was SO awkward (from interacting with every person (including you) in the class except my godsend Joanne) and my life is awkward and I can avoid one of those awkward moments if I drop this class. However i know getting through awkward moments is so powerful yada yada yada. and it has benefitted me but I dont think that I am in the mindset to learn. 

Like this class will be harder to take (as opposed to the environmental psychology class that I am thinking of taking in its place), but then I feel like it will “pay off more”. I could also be just feeding myself Bull shit like I have done alot of in the past. 

And I also feel bad if I drop it this late in the game. 

I am SO tired of making decisions. 

(so I wrote this down)

This class is going to be a lot rather I like it or nah. 

Being the only black identifiable person is gonna be a lot rather its other ppl discusing their perceptions of me onto them or myself (probs myself). Is it worth it? We shall see.