#don lang

Stairway of Love - Michael Holliday (peaked at Number 3)

No, we are not listening to a weird cover of Mr. Sandman, though I can see why you'd think so off the introduction, with its stunningly Mr. Sandman-like bom bom bom bom bits. It's such a blatant knock-off, and I feel like normally this would annoy me, except I really like Mr. Sandman, so at least it's ripping off something that's actually good.

That's just about the best bit of the original song, most of which consists of a rather overwrought metaphor about how heaven waits for those who dare to climb the stairway of love. So yeah, love as a staircase that leads you up to heaven. Hence lines later on about how step by step we climb up to paradise. It's all pretty flowery stuff, in keeping with Michael's other stuff (I'm thinking back to The Story of My Life here!)

There are a few little interesting elements. In particular, I have a soft spot for the chimes, and the little ukulele-ish twiddles that you get between a few of the lines later on. Apparently this started out life as a Marty Robbins country number, and you can kind of hear it in the guitar/ukulele sound here. Plus there's also a bit of vintage charm in the bom bom bom bom backing singers, like I mentioned.

There's also a slight hint of something a bit more scandalous, all couched in very veiled language. What else am I meant to make of lines where Michael urges his love to close your eyes, hold me tight / And we'll climb the stairway of love tonight? It's all delivered with enough innocent charm to hide it, but it's there if you're looking, and it does low-key jazz up and add interest to a song that's otherwise inoffensive but pretty middling.

Witch Doctor - Don Lang and His Frantic Five (5)

Okay, but fresh off Michael's 1950s sweet nothings, I did not expect to be launched feet-first into a primary disco circa 2005. And yet, here we are. Because I know this song. Or, more precisely, I know the 1998 Cartoons Eurodance cover. What I didn't know was that it apparently has antecedents going back to 1958?!

So yeah. You know this song, if you grew up in the 2000s. It's the oooh-eeeh-ooh-aah-aah-ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang one, about going to a witch doctor to solve your girl problems. It's a cheesy, raucous Eurodance trash classic, the sort of thing that could only have come out in the mid-90s. Except it turns out that a lot of what makes this song what it is is already present in the 1950s version, down to the absolute nonsense lyrics, the janky key change in the middle, and the weird pitched-up voice on the refrain, which gives off some serious Crazy Frog vibes, but that was apparently originally fully formed here, some forty years ahead of schedule. It's very odd - you've got some rockabilly elements to it, but it's a song that in my head is just so firmly tied to the late 1990s and early 2000s that it comes off very modern, to my ears. The 1950s elements are all there, I can theoretically identify them, but to all intents and purposes, we're listening to the future, here.

The pitched-up voice is easily the most recognisable thing, in among it all. It was apparently the brainchild of the song's original American singer, one Ross Bagdasarian, better known as David Seville. He had the idea here to sing really slow and then speed the tape up, creating a high-pitched, sped-up version of his voice. It was successful enough on this song that he'd be inspired to use it again for what would in hindsight be his best-known project, as the voice behind Alvin and the Chipmunks. So we're getting the Alvin and the Chipmunks voice here, in its fledgeling form. It's memorable, for sure.

I should say here that the lyrics are... well, I won't say straight up racist, but they're not great. Plus, there are some staggeringly racist album sleeves out there for this one. That's all I'm gonna say on this one, beacuse by and large the song's meant to be a bit of silliness. And I know I didn't let songs like "She Wears Red Feathers" off with that, but in that case, it still was trying to say something (really unpleasant!) about race, even in a jokey way. This song is 100% not about the witch doctor, he's literally in it as an excuse to get the narrator singing some gibberish. And yes, you can pick bones with that, too, but I'm just not sure it's worth it for something that's so clearly an excuse for one dude to play around with his tape recorder. If you made it today, conversations would have to be had, but in 1958, I think we maybe have bigger fish to fry. Feel free to disagree, though, it's a free world.

And yes, I should also note that the version I'm listening to is technically not the David Seville original, but rather a (very faithful) cover by one Don Lang, a trombonist and bandleader who's only otherwise notable for having played trombone on the Beatles' Revolution 1. So, quite a departure from this utter nonsense. It is catchy, though - I'm going to have this in my head all day tomorrow, I can tell you already.

Kewpie Doll - Frankie Vaughan (10)

I don't know what to say about this one. It's a cover of Kewpie Doll, a song by Perry Como that I neither loved nor hated when Perry did it. Frankie's version isn't miles different, and my overall impression is pretty similar. Fine, but not stunning, though I appreciate the cute fairground story.

I appreciate the slightly nastier, janglier guitar sound that Frankie uses, here, and the clickier, rattlier percussion sound. It gives the whole thing a slightly grittier, more chaotic energy that probably works in Frankie's favour. The drumming, in particular, is really clattery and clanky, it really gives the impression of a bustling fairground, with all the noise and bustle that comes with that.

Unfortunately, we've also gained a whole range of slightly unnecessary fairground sound effects, like the bell dinging at the start. And I might be imagining it, but I also think that the backing singers here are just a touch more annoying than Perry's were, especially when they're just throwing in interjections like correct and hooray, hooray to back Frankie up on things. It's irritating, and makes it sound like Frankie's got a whole gang of people following him round and spying on his date. I'm not a fan.

I also question the logic of Frankie, a British artist, doing a version of this particular song. Usually when we get the British covers of American hits, they're the sort of hit that translates well across the pond, something romantic and culturally vague. But this is a song so immersed in American cultural touchstones that having a "British version" just seems a bit redundant. Funfairs in Britain just have a different vibe - and Kewpie dolls themselves aren't really a thing, either. Which leaves me wondering who this was really for? Clearly people bought it, enough to get it into the Top 10, but it doesn't feel like the most authentic thing ever, put it that way.

Yeah, I think I know which my favourite here was. Even if we didn't have the childhood nostalgia factor, it's just clearly the most interesting of them all. It's also the most annoying, but it's a deliberate, good annoying. I've got a lot of time for songs that are deliberately annoying. Unintentionally annoying, on the other hand, is a no-go. And even that's better than "boring but competent". Which means, despite my better instincts...