Rant Rant Rant
I got to fucken stop doing this to myself, i know that my depression will never completely go away and ill always be fighting it but god damn it I've let it haunt me and take control of my life for 5 years, which were also my teenage years ill never have back. i wasted too much time listening to the stupid thoughts in my head assuring me i was dumb, ugly, weak, future less, worthless and undeserving of anyones time, love, care and kindness. so i isolated myself and let myself be engulfed in depression, i became addicted to the sadness, i would stay in bed for 20 hours not caring about anyone or anything. Ever since I moved out of home its been getting better (but not before it got so much worse my first 2 quarters of college) spring quarter of last year i started realizing i was worth something because of the support of my friend and my first relationship (as pathetic as it was) after that it has been easier, until recently, coming back to the house where my depression grew, for winter break is breaking me, the whole crying until falling asleep thing every night that started when i was 13 has been going on all week.... which was actually what i was up to tonight until i stopped myself and realized what the fuck am i doing? I'm not 13 anymore, i don't want to be the idea of society's definition of beauty, i love my brown skin, small eyes, my friends actually like me and i don't need romantic love to strive. hell what i really need is self love, and i should be worrying about my self more. so as this year ends and the new year begins i need to remind my self why I've held on for so long. remember at the paramore concert when you thought "I'm so glad i didn't kill myself before i got to see my favorite band" i need to believe there will be more moments like this waiting for me. I'm living a story and i will not give up.
