I don’t know how to be in the middle. It’s terrifying
I’m used to crisis. Mostly internal(much physically related)
At eighteen the internal chaos intensified.
Late twenties my health took a dramatic and traumatic dive.
Here I am at thirty-one. I’m healing.
I don’t know how to do that.
And I don’t know how to do that with Jesus.
Our relationship had glorious years of childhood innocence. Then BOOM. Hills and valleys. Dramatic turns and dips and highs and lowest of lows.
How does it feel to live with Jesus in the middle?
How do I process repressed emotions towards my Saviour? I know how to be a swirling ball of emotion that chooses Him because a drowning man doesn’t throw away His only rope.
I know how to praise on a mountain top and not how to handle regular, normal ordinary.
It scares me.
I check/judge my feelings(toxic habit)
They feel wanting and to wrong.
How does Jesus feel in the middle?
I want to find out…but the trauma tells me that’s rules…that’s just back to the box.
But Jesus didn’t make me to live in a box.
He didn’t make me to judge if I’m including Him enough or feeling spiritual enough every second of every day.
If He’s God(and He is)
He infuses everything.
He’s in me(waves of emotion can’t change that)
He’s in everything I do and everywhere I go even when I didn’t fall to my knees in grateful acknowledgement.
This present Jesus. Always here. And it’s not just Him. It’s not just me. It’s WE. US. TOGETHER.
Doing this life thing.
One doesn’t exist without the other.
He’s a father, comforter AND friend.
Who sits with me while I’m eating popcorn and laughs at TV with me.
The Holy Spirit. Who speaks life inside me. I need to learn to recognize His timbre.
And His Godship.
Personal AND keeps galaxies spinning.
Good, kind, great and just.
He does incredible things…splits seas and temple veils. He died for me. He loves me. I can’t comprehend how He sees me. He heals. He restores. His ways are higher.
I am HIS.
Even in the middle when feelings say I’m not close, it’s all on me and it’s my fault(again)
He is here.
He knows about the middle. He died in the middle.
He will find/meet me. In the middle.
And the middle will prove a great place to be.