#diet cheat

Adorkable Twilight & Friends – “Pie Twi″

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Hey there !

So today, I had lots of water and keto coffee again.

I had a protein bar, which wasn’t the best idea, as it had 13 g of sugar and about 16 carbs, but lunch was very successful!

I had a side salad and I had grilled chicken on a bed of lettuce with barbecue sauce, no bun.

But I was still running errands after work and I didn’t feel like cooking and besides that, I had no idea what to cook! I got McDonald’s... 😣 I had one McChicken, a medium fry and a 4 - piece nugget, still water but I figured if I’m cheating, might as well do it up... I ate the rest of the Pumpkin Spice cookies ... 😣 so lots of sugar and bread today.

Here are some very real truths about what just happened this week. 

I crashed really bad. The day after my last post about why my elimination diet should be helping me with moderation & what not, I went & did everything I told myself  I wasn’t allowed to do. 

I skipped the gym the next day & went out to sushi with my parents. Makisu & their pear martinis get me every single time. We ordered an insane amount of sushi & I did not hold back at all. When I drink & I eat I have zero self control. The sushi was incredible as always ( cali crunch all fucking day), but my mom & I still had a sweet tooth from the night before. We ended up going to Jewel next door & getting s’mores.....like I’m talking gluten graham crackers, refined sugar full fat fake chocolate, & the worst of the worst, marshmallows, & we made sandwiches & we put them in the oven & I literally just died. But wait! It gets worse....much worse....I convinced my boyfriend (I was still drunk) to go to Walmart on the way home & pick up the same supplies to make s’mores back at his place as well as DONUTS. WTF is my problem?!! (DONUTS YOU GUYS) So safe to say I felt like complete ass the next day, but I moved on, I fasted a little to kind of break up the immense bloat I had been enduring. The following day ended up being fucking gorgeous outside & I was stuck working all day so I convinced my coworkers to go back to Federale’s with me....I was like not about to get everyone ready to go out with their make up on fleek & then not get fleeky myself & enjoy the weather. 

There is nothing like the West Loop in the spring/summer time. Its my absolute favorite scene. Federale’s was packed with people, the entire city was just in a good ass mood. I had been reunited with my beloved chips & guac, as well as my all time favorite margaritas, the tiki-rita that tastes like a piña colada. The music playing was amazing & I was for sure feeling myself just laughing & dancing & drinking & not giving a single shit about anything. I needed it so badly. It was like I knew how upset I was going to be with myself the next day but I just didn’t even care at all. We ended the night in a long ass line at the Sprinkles cupcake ATM where I picked up a gluten free red velvet (hey at least I made somewhat of an effort here). The next morning I had work & then spent my entire Easter eating (healthy af - see next post)....safe to say today I feel bloated like I have never been bloated before & extremely uncomfortable. 

I know I fucked up, no - not because I over-indulged, but because I set myself up for failure. I was being so restrictive on myself that I was becoming obsessed again with food. I was desperate to eat something I wasn’t “allowed to” because I made so many rules for myself & I know better than that! 

Today I kept it to 2 meals (over night oats & spinach & kale with roasted butternut squash, half an avocado, & some vegetarian chili) & lots of cardio (30 minutes on the arc trainer at the gym & 45 minute Soul with Kellen plus 30 minutes of pilates) just because it physically hurts to breathe because I am so overly full. I tried to drink a lot of water to rehydrate (like 4 bottles?) from all the drinking & the sugar & to help with the bloating. Its probably going to take me a few days to recover & you bet I weighed myself back at 100 pounds & felt like complete shit. I know that its temporary & its gonna go down in a few days but its never a good feeling. I’m mad that I don’t let myself breathe. I would of cheated on my diet once instead of 4 days in a row if that were the case. 

Now I have exactly 2 weeks left before New York & I have a little bit of a different mind set about how I’m gonna get my body to where I want it to be at. I’m back to the elimination diet tomorrow but I’m not going to deprive myself. If I feel hungry I am going to eat, I’m not gonna sleep to avoid eating or wait hours before I let myself eat. I was starting to scare myself about it. I think the biggest help was when I saw pictures of myself this weekend having fun & laughing & smiling & I actually looked really fucking thin & for the first time in a long time I thought I looked pretty & I think that calmed me down a little bit about being so obsessed with my weight. Like its ok. Its not that serious. I get so fucking caught up in whether or not I should allow myself to eat this or that & I make myself & everyone else around me insane. Oh yea. I totally drive everyone around me away when I start becoming obsessive. Its because I literally can’t think about anything but my diet & I get so fucking hard on myself. I check my stomach in the mirror every time I pass by it. Like I need to get a fucking grip. I am so much smarter & stronger than that. I am so much more than my weight or my image & I shouldn’t let this ruin my relationships with people because I don’t know how to stop over thinking everything & constantly guilting myself. So no, even with my very bloated stomach rolled up right now feeling super gross, I won’t let myself regret any of this anymore. I am done making myself feel like shit for being normal. Who cares if I over-indulged 4 days in a row, I eat clean & healthy & work out more than most people & I am so dedicated to what I do that I have so much room to go & do whatever I want when I want to. Yes I still want to look cute for my New York trip but hey if I fuck up 4 more days this month I am not going to sweat it because this is life. Life isn’t dieting, life isn’t telling yourself no, life isn’t about hurting yourself, life isn’t about hurting other people, life is about going out & living it & enjoying it with the people that matter to you. At the end of the day all that matters is happiness & if you are constantly making yourself miserable & others around you miserable you have to be strong enough to make the change.