#dickkyle

They drink the Irish flags. And then a melon ball, tie me to the bedpost, slippery nipple, and, finally, cum in a hot tub.

"I'm not drinking that," Kyle says, eyeing the thick white liquor with no small amount of distrust. His face is burning either from the alcohol or from all the suggestive names.

"It's just Malibu." Dick clinks their glasses together. The corner of his lip is curled up in amusement.

"I'm serious," Kyle insists. "I'll throw up on your shoes."

"Are you going to waste perfectly good liquor? And after I already paid for it, too." Dick picks up a shot glass and looks pointedly at Kyle. "You know they upcharge them here."

"You're rich." Kyle scowls. "That's probably like five cents to you."

"Hm," Dick says, and leans closer to Kyle. He cradles the back of Kyle's head, his fingers sliding into Kyle's hair.

"Um," Kyle says, watching Dick lift the glass. A bit of the white liquor splashes out, dripping between his fingers, and Kyle watches it slide between the grooves of his skin as the cold rim of the shot glass bumps against Kyle's lip, thick cream and sweet, cloying coconut.

"Don't make a mess," Dick tells him, and slowly tips the glass back. And for some reason, Kyle opens his mouth. He opens his mouth and lets the sweet cream drip down his tongue in a thick velvet river, milk and rum and coconut. It's too sweet, pooling at the back of his throat in a thick heavy slog of pure syrup.

The last of the drink empties from the glass, leaving a creamy film. Dick sets it back down on the counter without looking, and Kyle snaps his mouth shut. Dick reaches up again, brushing his thumb through the sticky sugar on Kyle's lips. It comes away white, and he hums, sticking it in his own mouth.

"Do I have to tell you to swallow, too?" He asks, sounding amused, and Kyle feels his face blaze red, throat working as he forces himself to swallow it all at once.

"You," Kyle says, "have shit taste in drinks, and the weirdest way of flirting."

"Is that what we're doing?" Dick asks, and he has the gall to look innocent. "Flirting?"

"You're not cute," Kyle tells him, "and also, I'm going to the smoke pit, because-"

"Seriously, guys?" Wally's loud voice rises above the din of the crowd. They turn to see Wally gawping at them and Donna, draped against his shoulder, looking delighted.

"What are you - you-" Wally rounds on Kyle. "I didn't even do anything to you!"

"Newsflash, West," Kyle pushes away from Dick to face him, "not everything in my life revolves around you."

"You don't even know Dick!" Wally flails his arms in his best approximation of if his arms were suddenly and tragically replaced by those spring loaded jack in the box clown toys.

And really, that opening is too good to pass up. Kyle grins. He leans over, wraps his arm around Dick's waist, and turns, almost nuzzling into his neck. "Oh, Dick and I were getting to know each other quite well," he says, "weren't we?"

For the first time ever since Kyle had met Wally, a miracle happens. Wally falls silent and just stares in abject horror.

Dick laughs quietly into Kyle's hair. He tips his head down and asks, "but really, what did Wally do this time?"

"Nothing," Kyle whispers back. "Actually, I was thinking of how much Jason would hate it if we hooked up."

"Huh," Dick says, and then he reaches into his pocket and hands Donna his card. "Happy birthday, Donna. Sorry I'm going to miss it."

"Don't forget to use protection!" Donna calls after them as Dick drags Kyle away, not sounding the least bit mad. "You two both owe me dinner. I want every detail."

[Kyle blinks at it. Nightwing’s hands are scarred over and Kyle itches to take it and touch each and every one of them, follow the line of violence the world offers him to their origins, breath in each marring of flesh, each interruption of skin. He wonders if Nightwing’s blood has fed the flowers. Wonders if his dead skin has ever been picked apart by microscopic beings. Kyle almost wants to push him into the earth and watch it devour him, wants to see how far the stream of energy will take him, wonders if Nightwing has ever been a whale before, has ever fallen to the bottom of the ocean and become the creatures living there, has ever threaded the keratin of feathers soaring the winds itself. This will be a gift, returning him to dust and swallowing him into the fold of existence that Kyle rests easily, where Kyle can become him utterly.

Kyle takes his hand as normally as he can manage and is hauled up.]

AND ANOTHER ONE dick is so confrontational in this <3

[He steps out into the afternoon a minute before Dick does, tilting his head up so the sunlight falls over his face. He sees the warmth through his closed eyelids, feels it permeating into him, through his thin shirt. There’s a breeze a few seconds away and Kyle waits there for it to arrive, brushing through his hair and against his clothes, into his lungs.

“You need a ride back?” Dick asks as he follows Kyle out into the parking lot.

Kyle doesn’t need it. He can just fly back to the retreat he was staying at. He looks at the truck. “Did you drive all the way out here just for this?”

Dick shrugs. “Roy lent it to me. Besides, I don’t have much else to do.”

“Oh. What about—” he bites his words back on Bludhaven.

Dick snorts. “Being a hero? There’s no point—” he also seems to reign back his words when he glances at Kyle. “Nightwing won’t be missed.”

There’s something wounded there. Kyle says, “I’m sure Gotham can never have too many vigilantes.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Dick says, “my efforts are – a hundred thousand people died in Bludhaven because of Chemo, because of me. Their blood is on my hands.”

“As far as I know, you didn’t push the button.”

“Cause and effect, Kyle.”

Even having only talked to him a few times before this, Kyle can see the shape of who Nightwing is now—and maybe a lot of that is Donna’s and Wally’s anecdotes, but Kyle can see the weight on his shoulders that’s crushing him. Kyle knows how guilt can eat you alive. He says, “You can’t blame yourself when it was – who was it, Deathstroke? – who actively chose to—”

“Like you’re the one to talk about blame,” Dick snaps and Kyle stops talking.

He studies the cold expression on Dick’s face and can’t help but let out a low, “Jesus.” Dick meets his eyes straight on, challenging. Kyle ought to fly away right now just for that.

If only Kyle was there. If only he never got back with her. If only he never picked up the ring. Kyle knows the thoughts running through Dick’s head—if only, if only, if only. A series of conscious choices, and he would not have made any other one—maybe that’s the tragedy of it. This would not have happened if he wasn’t who he is—if Kyle Rayner wasn’t Kyle Rayner, someone who wanted to be a hero and someone who loved Alex DeWitt more than life itself.

Kyle says, “Can you drop me off?”

In contrast, I would like to see Kyle and Tim have a totally different camaraderie, more of a goofy, silly one that's born of the fact that the thing THESE two have in common is that long before they were ever superheroes themselves.....they were both huge fucking superhero fanboy nerds. I'd love to see Kyle and Tim have the kind of dynamic where they don't seek each other out to hang out, like, Kyle is still ultimately just Tim's older brother's boyfriend, not his bestie himself or anything like that.....but whenever they are in the same room together, one of them mentions something that eventually devolves into a back and forth between the two of them gabbing about something this hero did or that one, because these two, for all they've seen and done THEMSELVES, will on some level never move entirely past that disbelieving feeling of "holy shit this is actually my life, I actually know these people, these are my COLLEAGUES, they even....respect....me? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN AND HOW COOL IS IT."

I'd love to see Kyle like, regularly sparring with Cass, getting his butt kicked by Cass, but having both her respect and her amusement by determinedly picking himself back up to his feet each time and being like okay, let's go again. See if I can last up to ten whole seconds this time.

Because one thing I really love about Kyle, when he's written right (by my own personal standards, natch, lol, I just mean in the ways that to me speak to what I view as the actual essence of the character, what drew me to him in the first place, etc).....is that he actually has like, zero ego and he's one of the few heroes who regularly EMPHASIZED in his early years how in over his head and unprepared for this life he was - not out of insecurities, but rather simple fact. He KNOWS when he lacks various skillsets or experiences, and his response almost always is just to....do something about that. Very early on in his hero career, he went on like, a world tour not dissimilar to Bruce training to be Batman, where even though Kyle was already a hero with several wins under his belt and the most powerful weapon in the universe on his ring finger.....he went to the city of various heroes he respected and admired and was like look, I'm new, I have no clue what I'm doing, and I could really use literally ANY tips you can give me.

And so I could see that leading to like, Kyle's awareness/reminder while dating Dick and being front and center witness to the Batfam's style of doing things, that for as powerful as he is as a Lantern....there's still so many times he ends up without his ring and has to depend on just his own wits and skills to survive until he can get it back. That happens a lot. And because it happens a lot, he's definitely picked up a fair amount of hand to hand combat skills over the years already, like Oa has trainers for this sorta thing.....but even those trainers still ultimately are used to falling back on their rings' power and prioritizing it. And Kyle's the kind of guy who never STOPS learning, never STOPS trying to better himself, its one of the things I love about his character, so I could see being around the Batfam as being like, a kick in the pants getting him to be like "hmmm y'know, I need to up my hand to hand combat game".....and since Kyle is ALSO a firm believer that if you're really serious about learning or getting better at something, you learn from the best......the person he's going to ask to help him out or practice with is going to be Cass. Not even though she wipes the floor with him and always will, but BECAUSE of that.

And Dick would totally approve of this and be touched that Kyle's like....working on his fighting skills cuz they're dating and also like yes good, this is literally all I've been telling every superpowered friend and teammate of mine to do for as long as I've known them, how do I get more of them to follow your lead fahsilkfhalkfhaklf, this is A+ brain power display, boyfriend.....as is the fact that Kyle picks Cass to seek out and ask for help here. Because a thing I love about Dick's character when written certain ways too, is that much like Kyle, I don't see Dick as having that much of an ego, or like, being insecure that Kyle thinks he can learn more about fighting from Cass than even Dick himself.

Like, ngl, I've seen more than a few takes on like, Dick and Cass having somewhat of a rocky relationship because Dick's secretly jealous of Cass' fighting skills and not being the best, and I'm like....huh? Like that's not a thing. The only times Dick and Cass haven't gotten along was when Cass was influenced by a drug called Soul, and then a very specific story, Redemption Road, that was after Cass had been brainwashed and forced to kill under Slade's direction and yeah Dick was an ass to her in that but that had 100% to do with him not being sure the brainwashing was totally worn off yet and like, his many, many issues with brainwashing and not being believed in or given the benefit of the doubt supremely evident on display BUT I DIGRESS.

My point is just that like.....Dick has his fair share of insecurities, but jealousy his kid sister is a better fighter than him (ESPECIALLY when he knows WHY she's a better fighter and what her skills cost her to acquire in the first place)....that's just....not one of them. Wish people would keep in mind that this dude has been front and center, confidently leading LITERAL SUPERHUMANS, SORCERESSES AND ACTUAL DEMIGODS since before puberty clubbed him over the head, even. Like, he is one hundred percent, categorically USED to being absolutely SURROUNDED by people who outmatch him in ways he can never and will never be able to compete with, and it phases him not even slightly. He's still able to confidently tell them to go sit in time out when they're being dumb. His security in his own skills and competence as a fighter and leader and hero are very much present at all times. Its his interpersonal relationships that he's insecure about, where he fits into the lives of his loved ones.....NOT his fighting prowess. Kyle would be like hey babe, I want to up my fighting game and please don't be offended but I think I'm gonna ask Cass to help me with that? Is that okay? You're not hurt that I don't want to work with you on that specifically?

Like nah, Dick would blink at him and be like what? Why would I be offended by that? I think that's a great idea and Cass is one hundred percent who you should ask to tutor you there, well done, Boyfriend's Brain. Excellent logicing.

And I think Cass would like and respect Kyle for having his priorities straight, as well as like.....he's just a genuine person, and in tune with his emotions as well as having a great mastery over them, and all of these are reasons why I think Cass would just appreciate Kyle as a person and find him someone easy to be around? He's a straight shooter, he says what he thinks and doesn't hide what he's feeling, and that's gotta be so refreshing for Cass at times, especially with how much her family of secret keepers and neurotic weirdos regularly hides and tries to keep to themselves even when she's like HELLO, I'M RIGHT HERE, HAVE YOU MET ME? DO YOU REALLY THINK I DON'T KNOW YOU ARE LYING RIGHT TO MY FACE AT THE MO, YOU HO?

Also I just think Cass would appreciate being recognized as the one to seek out to up his warrior prowess game, because like, I feel like people are weird about not letting Cass have a bit of ego sometimes, she's earned it, let her be PROUD of being the best at what she does, let her enjoy having that acknowledged and appreciated. This is not a character flaw, this is basic human nature.

Jason is a tricky one, and potentially really interesting because he and Kyle are close age-wise (I see Kyle as somewhere between Dick and Jason in age....he's a couple years younger than Dick maybe but a couple years older than Jason), and also Kyle and Jason have that history together traveling the multiverse during a Crisis with Donna. Which of course many people know, and is the basis for shipping Kyle and Jason together, but like, the part that kinda irks me a bit is how blithely they're shipped together, like duh of COURSE they hook up, they're buddies, they traveled the multiverse together, didn't you know?

Because well, yes, they did. But....they were....not buddies? They pretty much hated each other the entire time. Donna had to tell them to stop being idiots CONSTANTLY. Ugh, she deserves so many spa days for that comic. And obviously, its not like this isn't the basis for having chemistry and enemies to lovers and blah blah blah, and like I've said before, this isn't a ship war thing, I don't actually care or mind if people ship Jason/Kyle just because I happen to ship Dick/Kyle, its more just....me squinting at how people just mush the two of them together and be like see they're best friends and in love because Countdown (the comic) exists, and like, put zero effort in showing them getting FROM the way they interacted in Countdown to being like....best friends and in love.

But whatevs. My only point with this really is that like, tbh I see Jason reacting to the news Dick is dating Kyle with ugh no tell me you're joking. Not THIS dude. This is the worst thing you've ever done to me. I'm personally aggrieved. Why do you hate me, Brother.

And Kyle would be like.....all squinty McJudgyFace (he's half Irish), and like, oh yeah. I forgot about HIM. I should have foreseen that dating you meant inevitably being around HIM. Hmm. Hang on. I have to go over my priorities checklist real quick. We might have to break up now. Hold please.

And Dick would sigh at them both for being ridiculous and dramatic and do his best to keep them away from each other so as not to get in the middle of their bullshit.

BUT they would eventually thaw towards each other, because in this house we stan a Jason Todd who does love and appreciate his big bro and likes when people make him happy and feel loved, and he's like, ugh, FINE I guess you're not the worst but the fact that I have to concede that at all is just further proof the universe hates me and wants me to suffer.

And Kyle would eventually thaw as well, because don't get me wrong, boy knows how to hold a grudge when he wants to, just because he's in touch with his feelings doesn't mean he's like Enlightened or whatever, it just means he's very good at identifying like, oh hey, that's a grudge I'm holding there. I am being petty and vindictive. That's what that is. Well spotted, me.

But like I just mean....a key part in Kyle and Jason not getting along in Countdown was Kyle was being horribly written and a bit of a buttface, but Jason was also smack dab in the middle of his Anti-Social Period. Like Picasso's Blue Period, just with more growling and also homicide. His general attitude towards Kyle was like, okay see, I hate all people and you're a people, ergo I hate you. What's not clicking, dumbass.

So Jason pulling back on that a bit would go a long way towards Kyle being like oh okay now I can see how you're prickly but lovable in the way your brother keeps insisting. Like, he's usually pretty on point in his people assessments, but he is Biased here, so I wasn't sure. Cool cool. I guess we can be like, people who reluctantly put up with being in each other's presence without wanting to kill each other even if we do act like we're being actively held hostage and that is the only reason for our forced and uncomfortable proximity.

But actually I can see them eventually progressing all the way to true friendship, because like the thing is even if I think most Jason/Kyle stuff doesn't like.....show their work in getting to the point of being besties or love-bunnies in heat, like, I do get the BASIS for them having those kinds of dynamics. Because Kyle is actually someone who can identify with and relate to a lot of Jason's priorities and feelings about things. Kyle's not a vigilante or even a superhero in the way most other Justice Leaguers are. He's been forced to partake in scenarios where sometimes killing his enemy was literally the only way to save an innocent life. He understands the desire or need for revenge - just ask Major Force. He knows what its like to be out of control or do things while under the influence of external forces like giant space cockroaches of evil named Parallax. Like, there's a lot he can relate to Jason on, just as I think there's a lot he can relate to Dick about, and Jason actually does very much appreciate being related to and people understanding his POV and WHY he has the opinions and perspectives he does instead of just being like no those are wrong, change those. Desist.

Also, Kyle guzzles that Respect Single Mothers juice like he's replenishing electrolytes. Which would also be something he'd relate to Steph about because hey, hi, fandom, hello, part of the reason Steph would just LOL hysterically if Bruce ever actually tried to adopt her is not just because LOL Oh Bruce, but also because she very much does have a mother who despite her having a very complicated relationship with and feelings about, she loves and appreciates very much and is not looking to trade in for a different parental model. In this house we also stan a Stephanie Brown who hisses vengefully in your direction if you slight Crystal Brown in her direction. Like hey just don't do it.

And lastly but not leastly, I think Kyle and Duke could bond over a lot of things having to do with surprise family revelations, complicated feelings about parents who are sick or only absent from your life because of that, and being the latest/most recent orbital satellites to the Wayne Family. Like Duke unlike Kyle is like, IN it, he's part of that family so like, sometimes the call is coming from inside the house and he might try and vent to Kyle about his family being complete weirdos who do stupid dumb and vexing stuff and then Kyle squints at him dubiously and is like Duke, buddy, I hate to break it to you but you did that exact same thing last week, you are not the impartial observer that I think you think you are here, but also for some reason I see Duke as being like oh good you're here whenever Kyle stops by the manor and without further ado he's hijacking Kyle and dragging him off to be his accomplice in the latest prank war, because like, the rest of the fam has HISTORY with each other and respective alliances and such that Duke is a latecomer to, so Duke's like well then I get Dick's boyfriend and one of the actual most powerful beings in the universe who has ascended to literal godhood on like three entirely separate occasions, its only fair.

Cut to the rest of the Sib Squad: ......IS it, though?

Dick, tentatively raising his hand: Given that he is MY boyfriend, shouldn't I get to have him on....my team?

Duke: Good question. But no. He's on my team. Its equality. Pay attention, we literally just covered this. Next?

And as for Bruce himself, like, he'd probably bitch and moan about Dick dating a Green Lantern, how could Dick do this to HIM, doesn't he KNOW how Bruce feels about Green Lanterns, and Dick would be like (dryly, with affection but also Why Are You Like This, Dad, And Also, What If You Weren't) yes, I'm so sorry I failed to factor in how this would potentially affect you when I was getting to know him and falling in love and all that stuff. If it makes you feel better, don't think of Kyle as a Green Lantern. You can also think of him as a Blue Lantern, a White Lantern, Ion, the Torchbearer.....

Bruce: No, its fine, he's fine. I guess if you had to date a Green Lantern, at least its him and not like. No, I can't say it, its too horrible. I dare not speak it into existence.

LOL no but actually Bruce likes Kyle, he was easily Bruce's favorite GL of the old guard, like pre GL Rebirth. He never really had any complaints about Kyle when they were JLA teammates together and he's even expressed that he admires Kyle's willingness to acknowledge his weaknesses and strive to shore them up and better himself. I actually think Bruce would approve of them dating, just not actually let on to this for fear of establishing a Precedent.

Anyway, that's how I see Kyle's interactions with the rest of the Batfam going down. As far as Dick's with the rest of the GLs, I don't have nearly as many thoughts as I haven't been a regular GL reader since GL Rebirth (not the line-wide Rebirth from a few years ago, but the specific GL Rebirth comic when Hal returned in like, 2005), and as is, I mostly just keep up with Kyle's stories, but I think Dick would like and get along great with Simon and Jessica, as well as John Stewart who he's known since he was a kid and has always respected and admired.

And also I’m totally just skimping on the In Depth here, all cheap like, on account of this answer got long as fuck and by the time I got to this point of it I was tired. LOLOL. Sorry.

But anyway. The sticking points would be Hal and Guy, and how Dick interacts with them would be one hundred percent dependent on how they're written interacting with or regarding Bruce. Because Hal and Guy, historically have NOT gotten along well with Bruce or had favorable opinions of him.

Now, of course, Dick also historically has not gotten along well with Bruce at times or even had favorable opinions of him at times.

But like, he's allowed. That's his Dad. Its fine.

OTHER people, particularly non friends of his whose opinions of his dad aren't just based on his own dynamic with his father and their perceptions of that......THEM having non favorable opinions of or interactions with his dad.....that's a different matter entirely. That gets Dick's dander up quite often, actually.

So like. I don't see Dick having much desire to hang out with Hal or Guy most of the time, tbh, but he's not really opposed to it either, they're just not HIS particular circle of friends or acquaintances and that's fine, he values what they mean to Kyle and that can be enough.....but have Hal or Guy start badmouthing Bruce around him, even if (or actually ESPECIALLY if) they think Dick will agree with them or be like haha yeah he is like that, isn't he....

And I think its actually just as likely that Dick would huff like an angrily huffing kitten and be like YOU MOCK MIETTE'S FATHER? YOU MOCK MIETTE'S FATHER TO MIETTE'S FUCKING FACE? JAIL! JAIL FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!

Hal: Hey I don't see what the big deal is, you know what he's like.

Dick: Yeah, I do! Because I'm his son! You don't though! You don't know his name OR his story, Hal Jordan!

Hal: Huh? I'm lost. Of course I know his name. Its Bruce. And I know his story, everyone knows his story!

Dick: THAT'S IRRELEVANT ON ACCOUNT OF YOU'RE A BUTT FACE. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BUTTFACE HAL?

Hal: What is happening right now?

Like, I'm hyperbolizing for the sake of the LULZ, but you get it. With as much as I talk about being critical of Bruce or Dick and people close to him being critical of Bruce or negative towards him at times, it does have to be acknowledged that Dick does not appreciate other people taking potshots at his dad. Like, family is family. They can have their issues, but if you're NOT family, like literally who the fuck even asked you. Like don't Bruce-bash around Dick if he didn't invite you to, and expect that like, you're gonna get solidarity from him instead of a blood feud that lasts for ten thousand years. Dick's like yeah, no. We're not gonna bond about this. You can go die now, actually.

fankslfnhalkfhnalkfal

Which leaves Dick still in the Vega system, believed dead by everyone on Earth, and of course he ends up escaping from his captors, but with no way home, he winds up falling in with the resistance group staging a rebellion against the Citadel. And being Dick, he’s like, welp, people need help and I don’t have a ride, as long as I’m here I might as well help overthrow the tyrannical would-be conquerors of this here star system, because I mean, being stranded in an alien star system half a galaxy away from home is no excuse to be LAZY, right? 

Cut to years later, when Kyle Rayner, this new Lantern Dick’s never heard of ends up falling in with the same crowd, and so of course the two Earth humans become fast friends, with Kyle being like omg, you’re Nightwing, the first Robin, I’ve heard so much about you including that you’re dead, which, yikes, awkward, but also pretend I’m a veteran hero with an impressive resume of my own and I’m not just fanboying about meeting the legendary presumed dead original Robin, because no matter how many times I save the universe or accidentally ascend to godhood for like the third time, I am at heart still the Ultimate Fanboy, bar none. While Dick of course is like, I need all the details on everything that’s gone down in the cape community and my family since I’ve been gone, which leads to Kyle wincing every five seconds as he accidentally drops bombs like Dick’s little brother died....but its okay, he got better, and also, he’s gotten like, two more little brothers and a sister while he’s been gone, so that should make for a fun family reunion. And also Donna died, buts its okay, she came back to life again too. Also, she’s Kyle’s ex, so there’s that.

And then of course they end up being space rebels who fall in love while rebelling against space tyrants because like, that’s kinda just what you do, the trope made them do it. Plus y’know like, only two humans with shared connections and experiences within the nearest like....forty hundred lightyears or whatever. Availability isn’t the only variable leading to them having the Feelings, but lbr, it was at least a factor. Which of course leads to doubt which leads to fear which leads to anger which leads to the dark side, wait, shit, wrong franchise. No but okay, so then at some point the plot in the Vega system wraps up, idk, ‘vaguely’ or insert whatever cop-out adverb of choice, and Dick finally is able to hitch a ride back to Earth with Kyle, where there are many tearful reunions but also DRAMA because all of that above was basically just like....the prologue. 

The real meat and potatoes of this scenario (potatoes reference, because Kyle is half-Irish, get it? Symbolism) so like, that’s Dick trying to find his footing in a world he thought he’d never see again, in a family that’s grown and changed wildly from last he saw it, trying to figure out how to connect with the Titans he once knew better than he knew himself but now have such wildly divergent experiences since they all last saw each other they barely know where to begin when trying to reconnect and thus they awkwardly tip toe around each other, which they’ve NEVER been good at....

And then you know, there’s the matter of well, Kory, who thought he was dead and grieved and moved on and then its like hey, surprise! But even though Dick knew all this already from Kyle and its the only reason there’s a he and Kyle at all, like, facing the reality of it hits different, for both him and Kory. Supes awkward. Like there’s just no good way to start that conversation.

And meanwhile Kyle’s like, trying to be supportive because he’s like the only person ACTUALLY familiar to Dick right now and who Dick feels he actually knows, but Kyle’s like....nursing insecurities that maybe Dick only went for him because he was the first person he’d seen from home in a decade, and now that he has actual options he won’t want him anymore....or what if he wants to get back together with Kory....or what if Kyle accidentally conjures an entire fucking entity from his subconscious like he did with Oblivion only this one is like, all his fears and doubts about Dick and their relationship and maybe it becomes like....obsessed with Dick and stalks him and Kyle has to swoop in and save him from well, Kyle, and he’s like uh that’s a my bad, are we still on for dinner on Saturday night? 

But then there’s actual talking and sharing of doubts and fears because its a little hard to pretend you don’t have them when they just Athena-ed their way out of your freaking skull and propositioned your boyfriend and Kyle’s like yeah okay, so maybe its time to look into therapy for me too, probably. Because of freaking course he’s been having his own troubles adjusting to being back on Earth, like he did die for a minute or two there himself and then was believed dead as well, and is trying to reconnect with friends who had packed away their feelings about him and his absence as part of their grieving process and now were untidily unpacking all of that, and like, its a Lot. 

And this of course leads into the doubts and fears and dark side okay just kidding, there’s no more burped up personal demons trying to SWF their way into a hostile takeover of Kyle’s life. Nah, at this point its more just like a mutual acknowledgment of how they’re both just, the absolute Hottest of Hot Messes right now, they’re like those couples who start dressing alike only its with trauma not clothes. 

So they’re like, should we break up, is it not a good idea for us to try and lean on each other when we’re both having such trouble staying upright at the moment ourselves, like this probably is not the healthiest choice I’m betting. But then they’re like, okay but check this out: making the healthiest choices has never really been part of either of our skillsets, hence y’know, the lives of constant danger fraught with instability, torture, near death and actual death death experiences, etc. 

And its not like there’s really a How-To guide for how to get over your ‘So I Was Stranded In An Alien Galaxy For Long Enough Everyone Thought I Was Dead And Moved On Oh And Also How Do I Tell My Dad I Definitely Did Kill Some People Like It Was Self-Defense But, Y’know, Full Disclosure And Stuff’ trauma while dating. 

Cue emotional violin music and montage of their previous romantic scenes all building to the ultimate realization that fuck what’s a good idea or healthy or whatever, I deserve nice things dammit and right now this is what I want and if I regret it later because everyone was right and it was definitely a mistake and now I have More Shit because of it, well that shit can go to the back of the line, there’s plenty of Issues that’ve been patiently waiting their turn to be dealt with for years already. They can wait their turn. 

Then there’s exhanges of romantic declarations, big sloppy kiss before turning to look optimistically and not at all tritely to the conveniently placed sunset that means their future is bright and I know this because in tenth grade there was this book, see, and in it the curtains were blue and that means something, so. Yeah. The end. Roll credits.

Post credits scene pops up like surprise, betcha didn’t see me coming, but nobody’s impressed, dude its 2021 and anyway so its Kyle and Dick in bed sleeping and then an ominous shadow looms over Dick and wakes him up because his Batsense is tingling. Like if you spend enough time around Bruce, his powers of paranoia seep into you via osmosis and you can do shit like wake up because dangers coming and you’re probably gonna want pants on for that. So its like more of a quick plot convenient heads up than an actual power but like whatever, it was an allegory or something.

Anyway, looming ominous shadow of doom, Dick in bed but precociously awake, trying to wake up Kyle who is literally snoring while they’re only five seconds away from losing the security deposit on their apartment because homicidal entities can’t seem to grasp the concept of I’m Off The Clock, Make Somebody Else Deal With It, like, rude, but I mean that’s all just part of the I’m Here To Kill You Because Something Something Nobody Cares package anyway, so whatevs.

And then the entity steps just close enough that Dick can see its features and we see a look of recognition and also Oof I Don’t Like That Realization, Please Take It Back on Dick’s face and he resumes shaking Kyle with urgency. He’s like babe wake up, you’re anthropomorphizing your personal demons again and this one has very big teeth and also its head is on fire and one of its arms is actually just a grenade launcher. I try not to judge you for your creative influences but sometimes you don’t make that easy, I’m just saying. But when Kyle snores on, and even shouting ‘Hal said Guy Gardner makes better constructs than you” right in his ear gets no response Dick’s like ohhhhh I get it, this is a Plot Induced Sleeping Beauty kinda sleep. You’re actually in a vaguely explained comatose state you can’t wake up from because your self-sabotage and ‘I’m afraid to/don’t deserve to be happy’ issues have teamed up and manifested in Terminator slash Ghost Rider form and are steadily draining your life force in order to become a real live boy or whatever. Got it.

And he’s like okay so this is clearly setting up for a sequel, like Nightwing and Green Lantern: The Descent or something, in which I along with the aid of a trusted telepath who’s probably gonna be Lilith because we really don’t need to be mixing lingering Trigon energies or stray Azareth soul hitch-hikers into this mix, like, will descend just like the title says, into the depths of your mind and your deepest darkest fears and childhood trauma. Once we track you down and give you shit about the techno music perpetually playing in the background of your psyche because like, the aesthetic or whatever, I authoritatively announce without any indication of how I know all this, that like, I’m there to give you pep talks and supportively hold the door as you self-actualize your way up your id, through the super ego and down the yellow brick road to the Lighthouse that isn’t really a Lighthouse cuz its just more symbolism, like the curtains remember? 

But like, its beacon houses the truest essence of your self and full control of your life and destiny and hopes and dreams and fears all lie just within reach. All you gotta do is you look into the source of your own inner light and face all your doubts and demons head on at once, and that’s it. Lke what could possibly go wrong? Again, no idea how I know all this but it must be accurate because otherwise why would I be wasting valuable runtime that we can’t waste because budgets just aren’t what they used to be. The choice was between more CGI or a fleshed-out C plot and they sprung for the CGI. They felt the monsters in here just really needed more Ick factor. You’re supposed to be deeply fucked up in this one, not just a little bit, but like. The full Monty of fucked up.

Meanwhile I’ll guard the entrance to the metaphorical lighthouse that doesn’t really exist and single-handedly stave off the plot conjured horde of mental monsters that have converged in a last desperate attempt to consume you, and that any one of which should honestly be able to just chomp me in two despite all my skill. Like yeah I’m good but most of these monsters should legit be able to just step on me. But somehow I hold my own, until I don’t. And just as I start to falter, a monster who unlike most of the mindless mob conveniently happens to be singularly equipped with the powers of speech and trash talk, like, knocks me to the ground and pauses all trope-ily to gloat and be like, hah, not even the plot armor of a bat can save you now! You forgot....in this sequel you’re just the love interest. And we all know what happens to gay or bi love interests! Your death is inevitable. And also imminent and nigh. Like are you ready? Cuz here it comes.....

But that’s when I whip out my trump card which is literally a trump card, like, I brandish it in his face Yu-gi-Oh style and am all aha! You played your Bury Your Gay card too early and now I use my reverse uno card which is a thing I can do because we’re in Kyle’s mind and you’re not real and all of this is just symbolism and allegories or possibly metaphors, idk. Look, its whatever. 

Thus I used my Innate Batfam Advantage of Unseen Offscreen But Definitely Happed Foreknowledge and Prep Time to arm myself with a thorough understanding of why sometimes curtains are blue and it means something and other times they were just out of the purple ones at Ikea, and by the power vested in me by my tenth grade summer reading list, I bury YOU, so take that! 

And just as he’s dragged backwards along the ground wailing and trying to claw his way free of the little girl from the Ring who’s pulling him by the ankle, and by the way, we really need to add some romantic comedies or something to your movie queue, just saying, couldn’t hurt.....well anyway. That’s when he breaks free and charges to take me out with one last all or nothing assault, but just as he cocks his bazooka arm and readies to fire with me right in the crosshairs and with no room to dodge...that’s when you finish your staring contest with your Inner Truth, victorious. 

The fake lighthouse blows up as a supernova of Inner Light cascades forth and atomizes every one of the monsters in sight, with the Self-Saboteur Terminator inexplicably being the last to dissolve into sparkling lights even though he was closest to me and thus the first to get hit by your tsunami of truth.

We reunite dramatically, I make hilarious jokes about how you’re still glowing. Lilith returns from wherever she disappeared to with zero explanation or acknowledgment five scenes earlier, and escorts us out of your psyche and into the promise of a brighter tomorrow. 

Roll credits again.

There’s another post credits scene there, but nobody talks about that since it just sets up and leads into the third movie that never should have happened and just destroyed the franchise and makes the entire IP persona non grata for the next twenty years. At which point its optioned by one of the new cable channels that have begun cropping up and are threatening to replace streaming services, but rather than a total reboot or even a continuation, it ends up a sitcom where Dick and Kyle are married and the adopted fathers of eight kids, conveniently enough for seven of them to be Ringbearers of each of the Corps’ colors but with no mention of the actual Corps because that would make things too complicated to squeeze into twenty two minute episodes, and the eighth and youngest to be the newest Robin, who constantly talks about training with his grandfather and aunt and uncles but no sign of any of the actual Batfamily other than Dick as their trademarks are tied up with other studio projects and they don’t have a big budget for guest stars anyway.

Half of the fandom is apoplectic about this travesty of a revival and announce that the IP should have remained dead and buried in the ground where that never-to-be-spoken-of third movie crashed and burned. The other half of the fandom are new and very enthusiastic, having been lured in by rainbow themed gifsets and the fact that the actor playing Kyle spends a not insignificant amount of his screentime painting without his shirt on while the actor playing Dick jogs shirtless on his treadmill. 

And they all live happily ever after.

Or at least for five seasons, when they reach syndication and then get cancelled to pave the way for a Batfam spinoff that never ends up happening because the studio and network can’t reach an agreement on which of the six characters to be Batman by that time they should use for the show’s lead character, and which of the fourteen Robins and nine Batgirls they should start with.