#diaryofesile

Ok, so here goes my dream analysis for myself cause there’s too much to unload and i needed an outlet (by not telling other about it) and i’m tired of writing. It’s going to be a mess cause no caps after the full stop etc. Not sure what this dream meant. It could just a mash up of all the things i’ve been unconsciously thinking and feeling, a glimpse of my past life or a hint about the future event. All i know is that, i remember and feel such things.

I couldn’t truly comprehend the the feeling of the places. like, i don’t get why it feel domestic as in it is in ipoh, but the building don’t match the places that it was in. It feels like i’ve just gone to ipoh, but the architecture is a medieval mansion and i’m damn bloody sure ipoh don’t have such things. this is the only thing that i don’t get the meaning behind. well, maybe there’s more that i don’t know, but as of now. that is one of the things i don’t get.

i guess the whole “medieval house, but Rinpoche meeting in the rooms” might be an indication of my “looks/sound like a caucasian, but still an asian at heart”. my interest in the commotion of people going in and out of the room and me assuming that it’s a museum exhibition might indicate that i might solely be interested in things that seem very caucasian. the fact that it was a Rinpoche blessing/meeting event going on inside the room may indicate that what i really wanted or need right now is not to go around searching for “caucasian” things to ease whatever that my heart, soul or mind need, but rather to go toward tibetan buddhism to find those understanding. Or that scenery might reflect my believed that tibetan buddhism might be able to give me the answer i seek.

About Uncle John coming in, saving my ass and helping me. I think its my unconscious mind hoping that there is a mature and knowledgeable person to help me find my path or act as the “bridge” to what i should be doing. i felt like it’s just a reflection of me being a useless ass that needed major saving in many circumstances. and yeah, i hope that “person” can literary just drag my ass there while being very prepared.

About seeing Rinpoche, i think he has been in my mind for quite sometime so i’m not surprise if his imagery re-surface into my dream. And even his persona that i saw in the dream seems to be a reflection of how i hope Rinpoche would be and also how i wish we would be interacting as well. So i guess it’s just bouncing off my unconscious.

About the whole seeking refugee thing, again, i think it’s a reflection of my thoughts. Few weeks back, i kinda got myself into doing a bit of tibetan buddhism digging and again, i felt like this is the religion for me and i should actually seek refuge by this year, hopefully. So the whole “i haven’t register” joke things seems to emphasize that i should be doing that like asap.

The whole “i wander alone in this medieval mansion alone and found this” seems to indicate that i will be alone doing the whole “searching for my spirituality” which indicated by the absence of my parents. Not sure if this is an metaphor or it’s physical. And again, this seems to be a reflection of my thoughts that i had when i re-ignited my interest in tibetan buddhism because i felt that i can be Rinpoche’s disciple (funny cause i’m not the most discipline ass ever). But i would be in a completely different centre cause he is from another lineage from my parent’s Rinpoche.

It’s the eve of Joe’s birthday. We’re supposed to hang out tonight, but plans got cancelled and i am extremely upset. I’m unsure if i’m upset at the fact that i couldn’t try The Alley’s famous milktea or at the fact that i couldn’t seem to have a 1 to 1 hang out with her. 

I’ve been trying to have a 1 to 1 hang out with her cause i wanted to share with her all the things i realized last year. From me letting go of my obsession with Ginger to my family. I just wanted to have a heart to heart without any interruption.

But since last year (and i meant even way before my finals), i couldn’t get the time nor chances to hang out with her. Partially because our timetables are different from each other and she’s more of a socialite than i am, balancing a few group of friends and family. I, for one, isn’t truly a believer of “coincidence”, especially when it happen more than once. I always believe that it’s a sign from the universe, warning me or informing me about something.

Like i said, I wanted to hang with her, but i couldn’t. I felt extremely upset, i mean, i still am to be honest, but i couldn’t really do anything about it. 

After taking a chill pill and trying to think positively (and probably what the universe is trying to tell me), i realize that i’ve been rather “burn out”. I’m an introvert and i’ve been going out on most days. I realize that i’m having difficulty waking up (well, more like dreading to wake up cause i’m that exhausted) and sleeping late cause i’ve been hanging out too late (later than my usual sleep time). So like, yeah, not more after work hang out so i can sleep early and not be that exhausted tomorrow.

So on the last week of 2018, Star Malaysia (the newspaper company) decided it would be a bloody good idea to have another cosplay event after the biggest one in Malaysia render us bankrupt and exhausted. I decided to go with my appa cause I’m a busybody like that and i didn’t really meet her during CF. Consider this as me sightseeing this new event and spending quality time with my friends.

Appa told me she is interested in divination and i suggested for her to get the oracle instead of tarot as it’s more beginner friendly. She isn’t really the type that could see the pattern or connection of the world nor i believe she has a strong interest for this types of thing. She herself confessed that she’s a little stress out and bored (cause she quit her job and is uncertain about her future), so she feel that divination would be a good thing to occupy her wandering mind. I volunteer to bring my Angel Dreams Oracle Card cause i wanted to show her what an oracle card is and to gauge if oracle card are her thing. 

So i went to Carl’s Jr cause i’m hungry and i ate there. We ended up hanging in Carl Jr cause free drink and it was kinda quiet at that time. We mess around with the oracle card and stuff while updating each other about our life. We did ended up teasing each other with the card we picked. Mine was about taking action and stuff. I did joke that there’s no one to take action on lol. Fyi, I do know Ginger might be coming to the event. I saw his post and click the comment and he say he might drop by. I wasn’t hoping much. If he comes, he comes, but i doubt i would have a chance to see him. Mid Valley is quite huge. So as Carl Jr is getting crowded, we decided to go around looking for knitting stick cause Ben wants to start knitting. From Daiso to Art Friends we go. We kinda decided to hang at Benie cause appa wanted to try the bingsu there. I personally don’t mind cause...... i just want to lay my old lazy ass down. Old people cannot walk so much these days. As we’re walking to Benie, Ben and Appa stopped cause they meet a mutual friend (who is also Ginger’s good friend) and they exchange greetings. Ben then ask where is Ginger and he is hiding somewhere. Like usual, I was that awkward stick in the whole group who don’t understand human conversation. Since all of them don’t really know what to do, they agree to have bingsu with us also. And as usual, Ben decided to orchestrate the whole environment so we both talked. Ginger was the first out of 3 dudes to came in and Ben ask him to sit in front of me and i swear to god i nearly died like wtf i didn’t ask for this. So everyone order their bingsu and enjoy. They also talked about the event and comparing it to Comiket. And i had the chances to talk to him which is also about Comiket. That boi had the guts to not look me in the eyes when we talk and i’m like........ (lord bless me with all the patience of the universe to not murder him pls). And then i just went silent cause i done what is needed to and i prove what i needed to. I went back a bit piss that he didn’t try to keep the conversation longer, but as i’m reflecting back the whole experience i had the whole day, i was overcome with a feeling of peace and completion. I wasn’t mad that he didn’t do anything nor i did over-analyze things like i usually do. I just let the experience sink in. I told myself, I have done what i needed to and what i wanted to. I prove to myself that i’m not as shy as i think i am and that i can talk to stranger. It’s his business to decided to continue the conversation or not. All i know is that I have done my part and i’m damn proud of myself.

As always, I’m fashionably late for my entry on important stuff, but heck, it’s not like anyone is reading this except me. So, my first year of Master has ended and it was quite a hellish experience, but it’s over so it can’t harm me anymore. What i’m thankful for is that my finals ended a week before cf and maybe...... i finally not in the same group as my elder classmates? But that is hard to say, cause i think i indirectly invited another demons into my house. Got to remind myself to prepare holy water and salt lol. Oh yeah, no more Azy. Lord, she is hell!!!!!

I have some thoughts and realization that i needed to let out.

After going through such a hard path with my love life last year. I felt like i’m going back to square one again. I wanted to trust him so much, but he ended up hurting me. However, the thing i learn from this experience is that i’m much stronger than i initially thought i was. This is a thought i want myself to really sink into.

Fast forward to today, i realize that i really should pick Kee Hawk (KH for short). I admit that i had a crush on him because boy got a body that is just *heaven sent*. I mean, i caught myself staring and just spacing out at his body like twice and i pray to god he didn’t notice a single thing, but who know right? It took me a few year time to realize that he was interested in me as well.

I kinda had a hint that he did with our friends kinda pushing us to be together, but i rejected because i’m afraid of hurting him. Hurting him because i’m afraid that i wouldn’t like him. I have no intention to hurt him that way because i will be his first love if i did actually date him. I know from personal experience that it hurts so much to break up from your first love. I care and love him so much that i would never wish any sort of harm on it. Which is why i decline that offer.

After thinking about flatass and comparing both him and KH together, i realize that i appreciate KH’s innocent and genuine action towards me. KH is not the most polish nor a social human that understand the social norms, but i can feel that his action and thoughts were genuine. I would dare say that he realize that sometimes, his action might offend people, thus, he is very careful with the words he say and the things he do around me when he is trying to get close to me and i just appreciate that. 

I don’t think it’s right for me to hide this news any longer. Yes, I was depressed and suicidal.

I believe that it all started with my maternal grandma’s passing away. I have couldn’t really forgive myself because I didn’t not agree to fulfilling her last wish due to my fear of death. She wanted to pass away in our home, but was denied by my father because my aunt said that my maternal grandma’s passing in our home would affect my paternal grandma’s health which will resulted in an early death. I foolishly agree because I fear a dead corpse.

So this is where my depression started. I couldn’t do what she needed me to do at the very end of her life. I regretted deeply my choice to side my dad. So much so that I promise myself that i would go against any tradition, culture and even religious belief if it meant that it would in anyway prolong or cause suffering to those who lived. This was me rebelling against everything I was taught. 

As I’m the macho type of girl, I don’t express my grief properly. Holding in it is always my thing, but the Moana taught me to grief. I would say I am super sorry to the couple sitting next to me because i couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole movie. Moana will always have a special place in my heart because this Moana represented everything i am at that very point in time, but way much stronger than i am.

That year was also the year i finish my college. A new transition that put me into a deeper level of depression. I didn’t score any interview and that put a huge toll on my self esteem. I mean, i couldn’t get a job so i’m a failure or i’m not good enough in many ways. But i did found a job that i work for 1 month through my part time job in one of my college’s department. It didn’t ended well cause the stress got to me. Then i got another job around my home and it was a shitty experience. It was shitty because i fallen in love with a guy, but it felt like he was only being nice to me because he is a lonely ass guy who doesn’t have anyone to talk to and no one to help him finish his job because he’s an incompetent ass. I will write a whole tag for him later if i felt like it. Then there was this bitch who just constantly hounding on my ass and life wasn’t easy for me. 

The job was easy, but the human isn’t. So, that propel me into a deeper state of depression. Self doubt on my own ability and my messed up mind because this boy toyed me around. One where i was clearly suicidal and crying like a mad woman. I swear to god, I cry so much in the year 2017 than i ever did over my 22 years of human life. The best part is? I cry anywhere and at any given time. LRT? MRT? Shopping Mall? Shopping Toilet? Restaurant? Check, check, check and check.

So i quit after 5 month and found freedom. I’m working under my parents and it’s not the best option, but it’s best for my mental health. After so many months, i realize that i could finally laugh from my heart and not from my neurons (if that make sense lol).

Funny how i been out of this blog for about 2 year ish. So imma explain what happen since i disappear for a while now. Before i start all that crap, i will make this account as my diary and all of my personal views and post will be under the hastag #diaryofesile.... so yeah

Ok so.... back to my story time.

In the short spam of one year, I changed 2 job. Both of them were as admin assistant.

 I couldn’t last one month in the first job due to the pressure of the future events I have to handle. It was stress that i couldn’t perform that cause me to have anxiety. It was bad because i would randomly cry and i’m loosing sleep. So i quit after a year. Do i regret my decision? Yes i did because the pay, exposure and venue is good. It’s in my ex college so i kinda know everything? But after a meet up with a fellow coursemate, the decision i made was to protect me monetarily and in a way push me to my path? (i get to the path thing later or in another post lol). Why? because my boss fucked up big time and is in deep shit with my ex college since december last year. If i were to continue my job there, i wouldn’t save a single cent for anything as i assume i would work there till the end of the world. And then comes my second job. I lasted 5 months in it. A very bad record but better than the previous i would say. Everything about this job is shitty af. The pay is shit, the people working there is shit (well, a few people are shit), the job i get was unmotivating as a corpse, the politic is crazy....... summary: it was horrible. I felt into a depression because i didn’t felt like i perform that well but that was also because someone was hounding on me none stop cause she has insecurity issues. It was a lot of unnecessary bullying and politics that had cripple my confident and mental health. So i left because i couldn’t take it anymore and i would very much rather just die. Yes, i want to die.

In the first week of my second job, i told my parents i wanted to get a master in counselling because i realize that my passion still lies with fighting for the inequality for us underdogs. There is so much more i wanted to correct and offer to these people who don’t feel like they belong in society. I guess my psychology and counselling is my ammunition for this crooked world.

So i started saving some money for my master while i work in this job. I thought of working about a year to get some sort of experience and some money for my master, but i crumble under the pressure and retired earlier than i did. So, i’m working under my mom and dad’s and getting some money to pay for my student loan that i had acquire for my degree. In January this year, i started my master course and it was awesome. I meet people who have similar mindset as me. I mean, I met my potato twin so...... that says a lot i guess. This was an eye opening experience for me and i felt that changes is working it’s way in my life. 

II may not slept as much as i wish yesterday night, but i have good dreams. 2 good dreams that is. I know the dreams i had were just things i saw and think about yesterday and nothing of a prediction type of dreams. More like my other self in another parallel universe kind of stuff. Sometimes, i envy my other “self” as she gets to be so close with so many of the guy that i wish to be close with in this universe lol.