#diary therapy

No. 3

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Im a wholehearted believer that people do say goodbye in the afterlife in different forms.

One form i grow so fond of and desperate to seek sometimes is the final goodbye in a dream. Those goodbyes that feel like "see you later" and not a realization that this is it...this is the end.

- when i lost my childhood best friend about four years ago, we hadnt spoken in about a year before that due to some petty bullshit on his behalf. I felt bad about it too, hurt and unsure how to even fix it. But then life ended so abuptly for him. A car wreck took him from his wife and kids. I went from being so used to us achieving milestones together our entire childhood and into adulthood, to feeling that disturbing reality that one's path walked beside me has ended its paved way and turned into dirt and ash. Someone like my classmates or people my age i grew up with are all walking their own paths alongside mine and we all have this journey of life, but when i hear they die, i can practically physically see the path end. Its heart wrenching.

Two nights after he passed, i had a dream. It wasnt like any others, i dont socialize or go to parties but in my dream i was at a house party, i couldnt recognize the house or backyard. I was standing at a pop up table full of snacks and was on the serving side of it rather than the busy side where everyone was grabbing. I was confused but didnt have much of a reaction. Then i heard him calling like he had been looking for me. I look up and saw him push through the crowd and say "HEY man! Ive been looking all over for you! So glad i found you! I miss you!" and he grabbed the back of my head and bumped noggins with me and he left... Back wading through the crowd. Like he was coming back to have a chat but he never did.

That was my goodbye.

Noggin, duuuude.

Noggin...

No. 14

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Keeping a diary hasnt been easy,

its been inconsistant and sloppy and irritatingly whiny.

But its my thoughts and emotions and feelings of that current point of time encapsulated on paper (or digital), whether good or bad, for me to remember in a way that is not only therapeutic but also hopefully beneficial for my own self growth and reflections of past versions of myself as i journey through all this mud in search of a precious gemstone.

These little daily reads have gotten really creepily close to home lately and have been almost on point with current life events and emotion, almost like it aligned with it to give me a message i needed to hear.

Do i believe in coincidences?

Or just happy accidents?

Is it the workings of the divine?

Is it in the constructs of the universe?

Was it already written in the stars?

Or is this just another hopeful and gullible tendency to cling to some kind of magic within this life and existance that connects me beyond the elements of our physical occupancy and provide me with reason to believe it?

🌠🎭📚