#trauma coping

"on all accounts"

I feel like a child who has found so many cool rocks and has an arm full of items that we have deemed special and bring us happiness, but we have no pockets to carry them all and theyre beginning to fall out of my hands when i stumble or fall.

I cant afford to drop them all.

I cant control where they land, where they roll away, and where they will be found again.

Im desperate to keep them.

But theyre not mine to begin with.

When youve discovered something so special, we have a tendency to have a sense of urgency to claim it and keep it - without realizing we have snatched it up unexpectedly and inconsiderably from its own space.

Disrupting its environment and forcing change.

Regardless if it was beneficial for anyone it still happened bc thats our nature.

Understanding that we cannot control anyone or anything around us is part of learning to let go and not take claim to those rocks but to witness them and in what makes them special while theyre existing.

To revel in the process that made them and witness their shine, envying their peaceful place in this world compared to the life of gravel and concrete.

The effort by which we put into the process of discovering and cultivating who we are should never be a journey that lays in the balance or decision of someone elses hand.

Its our life. we only get one...

Even as stardust thrives within us, we cannot die and burn without living.

The cost of living?

loving unconditionally with no expectation of its return.

Being around people that make you feel loved will literally save your life...

.......fuck.

I had a whole thing written but lost it. stupid app.

Ill come back to this later.

I need to find solice,

Reasons to live and love.

I cant force myself to die to reflect my dedication to the willingness to loving anyone.

I cant force myself to die inside to sacrifice living so those that i love can shine brighter.

I wish for me to be lifted with them.

I wish to be seen and loved. to be known fully.

And to be loved and known to the way that im never expected or asked to do something i wouldnt do or expect anyone to do.

”Would you die for me”

But would you live for me?

Grow for me?

Change for me?

How about would you live for you?

Grow for you?

Change for yourself?

Why should i have to die in order to know how to live?

Why should i have to be casted down like a task from the gods ive failed to endure? to prove the love in my heart?

Its shattering.

Im left with myself and im okay with that.

If it means i dont feel ashamed for loving anyone or anything. if it means not holding back, both in my stability, my career, my mental health, my devotions, my desires and passions. fuck its not just painting the goddamn house and shit.

I want to succeed so fucking bad.

I want to find reason to living.

Its love. its always been love.

My paths are in too many directions

And i cannot abandon myself again

Frozen in fear

Unable to find clarity

A breath

Nothing.

Please relieve me.

Please help me find a solution.

One that doesnt require me to sacrifice myself and the love i carry in me...

Please dont let me die like this.

By aphrodite‘s will, i will always know i acted out of love.

My intent was never and will never be to hurt anyone.

Why am i still hurting those that love me?

Why am i their burden?

I want to know if im fucking everything up i had going for me and now facing the reality of having nothing at all.

Im lost at sea.

I knew i was going to drown but i didnt realize it would be like this.

Im desperate for fresh air, while inhaling stale water.

but Im happy i swear...

At what cost?