I am thinking about women who turn around and leave. I am thinking about words tangled for dignity and hearts shushed because they better. Because if not then we're oversharing and if not then we're out in the world, bare and unprotected.

I am thinking about my mother standing in the kitchen, frying potatoes just because we love it. And I realize I never loved the potatoes I just love her, standing there around, showing her love in every silent thing she does and has ever done.

I am thinking about slow progress. And healing. And knowing that tomorrow this might just hurt a little less. And knowing that perhaps in a week it might hurt again and mean absolutely nothing and result in a breakdown but not looking back will be key.

I am thinking about how holding people was so important. You know those one minute encounters. Those instant hugs and five minute catch up talks. They were not extra work. They were necessary. Important. It is true we don't rely on them. It is true this is not air and water. But air and water did help people survive but alone, they made no one ever happy, alive.

I am thinking about what I want to be. Isn't it admirable how even if the world is ending we still want to dream. As I have read once, even in your attempt of ending your life you never really wanted death, all you want was a better life.

I am thinking, more than I should, about you. I should not miss you this much. I should not miss you at all. But life is full of unimaginable things anyways. Like we would have thought you'd be walking one day and not trying to hide drugs but god, you're trying to hide your sneeze. The irony is that things don't always have to make sense.

with the false golden hair

and i will always remember

how it glowed in the sunlight 

and i will always forget