Mariem's notes a paradoxical dreamer

I want to obsess over forevers. I want to refuse the idea that people can leave when they don't feel like it. I want to be startled by people falling out of love. I want to admit being hurt when things don't work out. I want to not act tough when love is absent. I want to believe in the fairy tales. I want the normal to stop being guarding one's heart. I want the normal to be that I give you a piece of me, willingly and with much content. I want to interrupt your path and change where you were heading because that much I make a difference. And I want to be interrupted by you and to realize I no longer want what I thought I wanted because I, instead, want you and all that comes with you. I want you to be why I laugh and cry and dream with every thing describing love. I want to admit you are a light, admit you complete me, admit you are every thing I have been looking for without having to hide how much I care. And I want to keep believing that love can only do so much but that it is always enough.

Perhaps, just perhaps, you don't have to be yourself again. Before the skies went grey and your heart went broken and you were the funnier you, the lighter you, the outgoing you. And now you're a weighed down you, a letting life happen you, a do not want anything you. And all that pressure you are putting on yourself to go back that distance, perhaps you should let it down. Reintroduce yourself to yourself and say, hello, I am the new you. I don't understand why this has happened. I'm not so much from the future to let you know everything has finally fallen into place. All i know is life has left some of its scars on me. Life has taught me lessons I never wanted to learn. Life has brought me here, a place I never wanted to be but I made it and like it or not it was survival. And some days I'm too sad to be grateful. Some days I'm too longing to be in my element. But some days I remember i have come this long. Some days I do not deny that I'm stronger thanks to the pain. Some days I love better than I ever did before because everything can be lost in a minute and I am accepting no other second without this when I can and I also, definitely, want you forever. So, some days I am actually better than who I were. A little broken, like all valuable things. A little wiser, like all adventurous hearts. And yes a little better, unexpectedly. So perhaps, when the change feels abiding, and your hands are too short you should reintroduce yourself to yourself and say hello, I'm the new you and I love you so much, so so much but I'll take it from here and I'll stick to this life, make the best out of it and I'll make you proud, you needn't worry at all.

There's no need to talk about the bad feelings. All I have to do is try and shake off the idea of death. Just push the wavering memory of death lingering around a hallway. Sing that James arthur song that was stuck in my head and try hard enough to not think that it was right when I realized that to someone I am walking next to his point of no return and how I was thinking that I need to be a different person before it happens and how i must dry the unintended welled up tears at the gravity of what my heart just felt and seen. There is no need to interrupt the moment of stillness as the few flying pigeons rule the clear sky. At least they take my mind off things for a while and it won't be for as long as I hope anyways but perhaps at least enough to make it easier for one to believe in life's goodness. Like it only takes a calm moment such as this, a love for the vast blue, to not want anything else, and to remind me on the days when what I want is, basically, everything else.There is no need to stop running. We need to catch up on all the things we want to become and life seems to always be on a hurry, even if it's important for a run to end, and sometimes more important to not be about some finish line ribbon. Even when it's important and a must that some runs end and are followed by a break, just to contemplate, just to bathe in the sun, just to close our eyes and feel the breeze. There is no need to always ask myself why life might be difficult. To wonder if it's because all our moments have their good and bad in them so entangled and inextricable. To try to cut up reasons it gets overwhelming like how we are usually so many different people in one. That we miss and love and hate and cry and laugh and desire and totally lose interest and be in pain and find comfort all at the same time. Because perhaps if I do, I might remember that as life takes its toll I can still think of you, and how after all the tears we are still home to someone and what some understood with pain posed a question to others and an answer to what should really matter and by that a kind guide to life and how some moments, some arms, or even a few pigeons could be the rest and the motive to run again, wouldn't that make life exquisite, a little less hard, and then It's a new feeling, almost a responsibility, a need .. to always want this life more.

Don't settle.

I wonder what it's like to be loved by you

So today I was riding with an uber guy the kind of "Ana entafet" Twitter guys, and I kinda panicked for a second there cause I thought he was/actually he was gonna crash us both in a bus, and a car another time, which was interesting and gave me an instant rush of adrenaline a couple of times *note: not the skydiving yolo type, aka not recommended* and made the ride full of suspense no kidding, except I got all "memes" from amir elbe7ar in my head and was like fuck this dude I wanna live, Ana kont nawya at5arag w atob, anyways I still got the life is unfair vibes and you could be in the middle of your day planning for lunch when you get home, or thinking about your kids or even fantasizing about a crush yet some accident sweeps your feet off the Earth's face and we are all reasons for each other and it rings in my head often " yorselona Allah ba3dana lb3d ra7amat" and I want to be this and not a reason others know loss or hardship or death, and I also, hide from you not, kinda bargain with God for my hopes that I want to be planted here long enough to tell the stories, stories that make people patient, or ones that make them grateful or ones that make them fall in love or wanna make a change and ones where I mention scenes of little kids running with toilet paper wrap btalata gneh in a garden yet they fill the place with laughter and how it makes me so angry because all kids do deserve a mansion of toys but I'm still happy so little could mean so much to them, and did I tell you about the tree I saw with branches intertwined that wonderfully looked like two Romanian studs sitting together, kinda on each other's laps, and with their heads cut though, anyways, and I still don't know how his mouth tastes and there is the story where I'll know, and where I will be a role model and a friend and someone's favorite writer, and someone's favorite doctor, and more, and more, stories that might give me a break, so it would not be today. Not soon at all.

Oh the faith I'll have for you. The confidence that it'll be alright with you. The knowing that I won't be hurt in you. I carry my worries and direct them to myself. I carry my fears and settle myself in them or set them inside me. I push the weaknesses hidden down every space my heart can fit. Away from you. Too far away. So when I am around you they've nothing to do with you. And I am all hopes, dressed in love, and covered with every weapon that can strengthen you.