#diary entry 8

Was drying my hair today and accidentally melted the nozzle of the hair dryer?? What?? Why can it get that hot? Its still usable but omg why would you design a hair dryer that gets that hot wth

Ugh dude how i wish I was an extrovert dude 😭😭 I wish I could talk to people as easily as others can,, is it really just intuitive to people without anxiety? Do y'all actually like,,, just get up and talk to people without even thinking about what you're gonna say or how to keep the conversation going?? Thats completely unfathomable to me dude, every time I talk to someone who i dont know (sometimes it even people I DO know lol) it feels like im like. Acting. I would make such a good customer service/retail worker bc every time I talk to anyone I constantly have that eager-to-please-cashier voice and its not even purposeful 😭

I wish I had childhood friends :( I want to hang out with people I've know all my life and they've know me all mine, but I move around so much its impossible. Covid fucked me up, man. Maybe if we didn't have a pandemic i wouldn't have been so socially stunted but now here I am! Anxiety for sure and maybe autistic??? Ive had a few people (including my own mother who has worked with autistic kids, and a friend of mine who's autistic) ask if I was autistic or say they think im autistic which is CRAZY, especially in my mother's case because back in the pandemic i asked to get an ADHD diagnosis and she and my father acted like I just told them I wanted to become a teen mother

We're off topic tho lol. I want a big group of irl friends im super comfortable with,, I want a friend who lives nearby who's house i can just walk into because im basically family. Thats such a dream dude :/ im in my second year of high school and there's no sign of my current friendship status changing from keeping everyone at arm's length to part of a huge group of friends who all know each other like the back of their hands. I read a book with a friendship like that and god was I jealous,, its actually crazy

I'm living with ghosts.

They live in my head.

There's one in particular that haunts me all the time. It's got Caribbean eyes and hair the color of caramel. 

And it speaks and it asks me why and I can't make it stop. I tell Jesse about it. He thinks I have some blocked up memories because there's another face, there's another set of lips and a smile that doesn't seem as familiar (yet it is; I can almost tell you who it is, but I can't because the letters won't form on my tongue and won't roll off so neither one of us knows).

I'm not making sense. I had nightmares all night. Nate kept waking me up. The brat slept over. We decided to give up on sleep at five and then headed out for a walk, scuttling down the streets with our hands stuffed into our pockets. The fall's coming so mornings are chilly. We walked to the river and stood watching it, hands on the railings of the walk, cold air coming off the water. It felt good. It woke me up. Made the ghosts run.

"You figure out that dream yet?"

"I know one." I blew smoke into the air. He wiggled his fingers at me. I handed him my pack of cigarettes. "But it's not my story to tell."

He lit up. "It's yours enough to dream about it."

He's right. The kid's fucking perceptive. The thing is, though, it shouldn't affect me the way it does; it shouldn't haunt me. 

But it does. 

And I can't...I can't fucking function anymore with these nightmares.

God, it's enough to make me want to do heroine, just to go on the nod and sleep.

Today I got all the furniture for my living room in Alabama.

I just need two stools for the kitchen island thing and then I'm finished.

[Also, the egg chair thing from Storage... but that's already ours]

I'm so excited.

I don't think I'll be sad anymore.

My mom is very reassuring. 

I love her. I'll miss her. But she is telling me over and over again how proud she is of me and that she's is so happy that I'm following my dream and that she will visit me around Christmas.

So tomorrow is my graduation from high school. It still hasnt hit me. A lot of people are like reminicing and crying and all that emotinal stuff while I'm here like yeah cooll guys...

I'm just very happy that its all over! asa much fun high school was it was annoying having to deal with peoples shit all the time!! Like seriously I dont care that Susie is dating Jim and that Jim was kissing Dylan at the party the other night... I DONT CARE!!

I'm glad to be done. I'm glad to be leaving. Another thing is also the guy I loved is talkign to me again and its crazy cause its been like two years and now that he suddenlu broke up with his girlfriend he wants tto talk.... I'm confuzzled!

Either way, as much as this makes me sound like some 5 cent Sally, I am just going to go witht he freaking flow! IM done with caring about everything!! Ohh also in heart news I found out that some guy I had been crushing on is actually a total douchebag and piece of crap... yeah fun times in mohave high!!

Wednesday May 16th, 2012

Have you ever went to bed and woken up with a really bad feeling? That terrible feeling of premonition -- just knowing something bad will happen? It's a scary feeling, and I don't know what to do about it because with this towns luck, it can mean anything.

Crossing my fingers that I'm just being paranoid and everything will stay as it is. Things have finally started to settle down a bit again. Well, aside from the usual teen angst which, let's be honest here, will never go away. I haven't heard anything big on Klaus, so I'm not sure whether to assume he's just staying low and quiet for the meantime or found a new hobby of some sort (seriously, couldn't he just invest all his time in drawing ponies or something less life threatening like that?) or if that means that we should stay on our toes and expect something big to happen sometime soon.

You never know what to expect in Mystic Falls anymore.