dear insanity

It's 2am and I'm laying on the bathroom floor. It feels like my stomach is being torn apart and I'm terrified of what will come up if I throw up. I'm terrified by the decline in my health. I'm terrified by the decline in my personal relationships. I'm simply terrified of everything going on.

Today I packed a bag. I gathered some clothes and essentials and organized them neatly in my suitcase. I put that bag on the backseat of my car, got in the drivers seat, and stared out the windshield. I have never been so angry with myself for being drunk. I wanted nothing more than to drive away. Disappear. But here I am. Sitting on my floor, still drunk.

Every time I lay down and close my eyes I can feel the weight on top of me, pinning me, forcing me. I can feel his knees digging into my thighs, his hands burning my wrists as I struggle to free myself and he tightens his grip. I can feel him force all of his weight on me. I can feel the overwhelming sensation, the sharp prickles, the chill, that ran through my body before completely going numb. Before I gave up and let it happen. I can see the look on his face as he brushed away my tears as if he hadn't just done that. How am I supposed to sleep at night?

Sad and sleepy. Laying in bed listening to the rain. It's setting the tone of this evening quite nicely.

It's getting bad again and I don't have the energy left to try.

It's been a while since I've heard those three words. It's been a while since I've even felt it. Please don't let me fall apart. Please don't let us fall apart.

Curling up in a ball and crying has become normal. It doesn't even hurt anymore, it doesn't feel like anything at all.

I'm rotting from the inside out. Just a shell of what I was.

It's getting bad again. I'm getting bad again.

It feels like things are shifting. Relationships are strengthening while others are falling apart. I'm not sure how to feel about any of it.

Why does it feel like I'm falling apart...

Sometimes things are just shitty. But I will sit and smile and pretend like everything is fine.

Spending the night on the bathroom floor with my head in the toilet. Yay anxiety. I forget all too often how bad it hurts to be in a relationship. My body is taking a beating and it's taking its toll. This is why I swore I didn't want to fall in love again. I swore I wouldn't do this to myself again.

That moment you realize someone doesn't care about you as much as you do about them is the most painful heart wrenching moment. And maybe you knew all along, maybe you saw the signs and chose to ignore them. It doesn't hurt any less. Maybe they just need more love and care than you do... Still hurts like hell.