im camping with my sibling. they're asleep, and im just kind of sitting on the lakeside waiting for the storm that the weather app on that cheap phone i've got promised me. last time, we heard the rain swooping across the lake before it hit us, and that was sort of frightening in a really wonderful way. anticipatory. im hoping it happens again.
its quiet. the water laps at the trees because the water line is high from the rain. im tense in that way i get when everything is silent and there's nothing to distract me from that need to move i've got deep in my bones. just that sentence seems like too much. i get a need to run, like there's somewhere im supposed to go, but not necessarily somewhere im supposed to be. actually running helps. i might try it.
its loud. im noticing all the sounds that are really here, the ones i dont notice because im so wrapped up in all the noise im making i forget to shut up. and stop. and look up. im so afraid of this feeling i get, like im vibrating out of my skin, that i just keep moving and consuming and making so much noise that i cover up the noise in my brain. in the process, im losing all of these noises too. this bird that's incessantly chirping. trees creaking and settling. the aircon in someone's rv. the waves.
im trying to be okay with this feeling. im trying to battle the urge to run. im trying to hear these noises again. im trying to be present. this too is frightening, in a wonderful sort of way.