#deirak

“Oh,” I said. I didn’t know what to say.

Meliko had been Fannie’s student mentor at the school, and she was the Jedi I had suggested Fannie reach out to first. Deirak had been Fannie’s boyfriend for three years, and I’m not really sure how much they’ve spoken since they split.

“I thought Deirak took a vow of celibacy or something,” I said. “At least…that’s what he told me last year.” I frowned and patted her arm absentmindedly. “…Huh. Guess it didn’t stick.”

“I never heard about that; he never told me—but he also never told me he was interested in my best friend!” Fannie wailed.

“Meliko was your best friend?”

“Well, I saw her more as an older sister than a peer, but—she was the person I was closest to, who was dearest to me, who influenced me the most, and—oh, how could they do this to me?!” She pounded her fist against my chest once and leaned into me and I stumbled backward, my knapsack slipping down off my shoulder and into the crook of my elbow.

I stared down at the top of her head, bewildered. Maybe I could understand her reaction if she and Deirak had just broken up. But it had been five years. And she was marrying me.

I dropped my bag to the ground and took hold of her wrist, slowly lowering her fist back down to her side.

“Fannie, not to be insensitive, but c’mon. You dumped Deirak. You got engaged to me and didn’t tell him. I don’t think you have the moral high ground here.”

“But Meliko was like a sister to me; it’s like he’s dating my sister—”

I stiffened up suddenly, and let go of her wrist.

We looked at each other awkwardly. An uncomfortable silence followed.

“…Well, my point still stands,” I said at last. “You were best friends with me while you were dating him. He probably felt the same way when he found out about us, or at least had every right to. So…I think you should just be happy for them, and let it go.” I picked up my knapsack and started moving toward the porch.

“How can you tell me to just be happy for them?” Fannie demanded behind me. “Don’t you understand why this hurts?”

I turned back around and looked her right in the eyes.

“No,” I said, deadpan. “You’ve got me. We’re getting married in three weeks. I have literally no idea why this upsets you so much.” I took one step up the porch before stopping again. “I mean…I can think of one reason. But if that was the reason, it would mean you didn’t really love me, so…I’m trying not to think about it.”

I got to the top of the steps and tried the door, but it had locked behind her when she’d come running out. I sighed, slid my knapsack back down my arm, and started fishing for my key.

“Ben, I do love you,” she protested. “It’s just…I have a lot of complicated feelings about this. Can you try to understand?”

My key was sticking in the lock and wouldn’t turn. It had been doing that a lot lately. The metal edges bit into my fingers. I hadn’t eaten since noon, and my head kind of hurt. Work had already depleted my patience for the day, and this was the first night I was planning to have dinner with my family again, and…

I got this rising feeling in my stomach that meant I was probably about to say something I’d regret if I didn’t hold my tongue.

I lost the war.

I whipped around to face her. “Well, you shouldn’t have any complicated feelings about it,” I said, glaring at her over my shoulder. “You broke up with him because you didn’t love him. If you don’t love him, you shouldn’t give a damn who he’s with. You said yes to marrying me. You keep saying yes every time I ask. I have been doing so much for you. I have been doing so much for you I can barely think, and I come home and you’re crying because your ex finally moved on—Fannie, I’m sorry. I don’t have the bandwidth to comfort you this time. Not over something that is honestly such a huge insult to me, and I can’t even process that right now—I’ve got to psych myself up for dinner with my family and then I was gonna call Amalia tonight to ask about the housing thing and then I need to message Luke about you meeting with him so you can complain to him about me—and, apparently, cry about Deirak now. So can you just cut me a break. Please.”

She looked shocked and hurt and scared, and that angered me even more. Like I was the one being unkind. I turned around and yanked the key back and forth and slammed my fist against the door and let out a growling shout— “UuurrraAUGHHH—why won’t this kriffing key turn?!”

Rey opened the door. “You could use the bell, you know.” Her eyes flitted behind me, and I could see her study Fannie’s face—I didn’t feel like turning around to see what she looked like now.

“Thanks,” I muttered, and brushed past my sister. I rushed up the stairs and into my room and closed the door and sat down hard on the bed and dropped my head in my hands.

Dinner that night felt tense, but it wasn’t my mom I had tension with this time. I actually found it kind of easy to interact with my family. I smiled and cracked jokes and asked everyone about their day and talked about the wedding and my mom was forced to be polite.

I got through that entire meal without even looking at the person sitting to my right. I had my call with Amalia and I sent my holorecording to Luke and I probably could have gotten all the way to bed without speaking to her, if she hadn’t been waiting right outside the bathroom door for me to come out.

“Ben, I’m…I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice.

“Yeah, you should be,” I said gruffly. I pushed past her. “G’night.”

“Wait, please…can we talk?”

“No,” I said. “I’m tired and I’m mad and it’ll only make things worse.”

“I…I thought you wanted us to communicate better.”

“Exactly. And if you talk to me right now I am going to communicate like crap, so—let’s just table it for now and talk about it later.”

I took one step toward the room before she broke down in tears.

“Ben, don’t go,” she hiccuped.

She had made me the bad guy again. I was so exhausted I could collapse on the floor, but I was still evil because I couldn’t muster up the energy to comfort her over the ex-boyfriend she had left because she’d loved me.

I turned back around.

“Fannie, please, I have nothing to give,” I said, and much to my surprise, I began to shed tears—only a couple, but they swelled up and spilled over, like they were the very last dregs of my emotional energy. “I have nothing left to give tonight. I’m sorry.”

She opened her mouth and closed it again and opened it again like a little fish.

“…I love you,” she said, but she looked terrified.

“Love you too,” I said immediately, like she had tapped a rubber mallet on my knee.

I wanted to say something more. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have anything to say.

I looked at her for a moment, then went into the room.

Half an hour later, I heard her tiptoe around where I lay on the floor and strip the bed of its covers to carry them into my mom’s study, which was where she had been sleeping before I’d moved her to my room. Melodramatic. Part of me thought I should get up and move to the bed then, if she was gonna be like that, so I could at least try and get some better rest. But I was feeling melodramatic too. So I stayed where I was on the ground, and indulged in some good old-fashioned self-inflicted torture.

But I don’t know that I would have slept any better even if I had moved to the bed. I could hear her crying through the wall, and it made me feel guiltier and guiltier and guiltier till I was crying too.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I left the room and knocked on the door of the study, and saw her sitting on the sofa in the dark, and remembered that night when I had found her holding her saber. And then I couldn’t be mad at her anymore.

Deirak Champert is twenty-four years old. He’s a human guy—tall, blond—with glasses and a gangly frame. He is one of two Jedi students that have joined Luke as teachers after completing their training. Deirak is funny and smart and confident, and I like to think that Deirak Champert is who I would’ve been, were I not so mentally ill. He’s even a writer, too. But he writes musings on Jedi wisdom—not sappy poetry, nor meandering blog posts, nor six-month slapdash novels about how he lost his girlfriend.

Maybe he should. I mean…we lost the same girlfriend, after all.

Deirak Champert was Fannie Pentarra’s first boyfriend (but not her first crush, because that was me, and always was). Between the ages of sixteen and nineteen, Fannie Pentarra dated the guy who was a better version of me, but never quite managed to fall in love with him. She dated him because I wasn’t in love with her yet, and wouldn’t be for six more years.

It’s a shame she didn’t love Deirak. He loved her a lot better than I did…and for a lot longer.

But…hey. I like to think I gave her the best six weeks she ever had. At least, up until I totally destroyed her trust—but that’s another story, which is 126,000 words and twenty-seven chapters long, and you can read it on your own time.

…What was I saying?

…Oh yeah. (The longer I’m unemployed, the more my attention span decays.)

Deirak Champert was nice to me on Ossus. An observation that stunned me, because there was a period of time where he very clearly did not like me (not without reason). Maybe it’s because he’s a Jedi teacher now, so he’s supposed to be all full of goodwill or whatever. Maybe he was moved by pity for me. Or…maybe he’s just a decent guy.

About a mile away from the school, there’s this cliffside on the beach. Pretty much every day I could manage to get out of bed, I would walk to it and hang out there. Fantastic cliff—probably in the top ten cliffs I’ve ever seen. It’s great for standing on and looking dramatically into the horizon. (Don’t worry—that’s all it’s good for, really. It’s only ten feet high and juts out above the water, and unfortunately, I know how to swim.)

Sometimes, Uncle Luke would come out on a speeder bike to the cliffside and find me. (Yeah, old Jedi Master Luke on a speeder bike—isn’t that funny?) When Amalia came to Ossus, sometimes she’d come and find me.

And one time, but the time I remember most clearly, Deirak Champert came out to find me.

Deirak and I have known each other since we were seventeen. Or perhaps more accurately, we have known of each other since we were seventeen. He and I were never really friends except through Fannie, since he was Fannie’s boyfriend and I was Fannie’s boy-friend. We got along because of her…and she was also the reason why we didn’t like each other. Deirak didn’t like how close Fan and I were, and I didn’t like that it bothered him. I mean, c’mon! It wasn’t like I was gonna try to move in on his girl or whatever!

…Y’know, until I did—but that was years after they broke up.

The Deirak/Fannie breakup was big news at the Jedi school in 26 ABY. The school isn’t very large, so everyone knows everyone, and everything’s a big deal. Fannie and Deirak were, like, Jedi Mom and Jedi Dad to a lot of the younger students, and everybody thought they were gonna get married and have babies and stuff. But instead they broke up, and then they stopped talking, and it was years before they ever spoke again.

Deirak didn’t speak to me for a while, either. Mainly because after they broke up, I spent every weekend with Fannie until I left for college. I thought I was being a good friend. It turned out I was only making Fannie fall even harder for me.

That was four years ago. One year ago, I finally realized Fan was in love with me, and decided to fall in love with her, too.

Seven months ago, we broke up.

Two months ago, I was lying on my stomach on a cliffside on Ossus, peering down at the waves below.

“You all right?” came a voice behind, and I scrambled up abruptly to find Deirak standing there with his arms crossed.

“Uh—yeah,” I muttered.

I studied his stance, trying to figure out what his attitude toward me was, but then he uncrossed his arms and sat down next to me.

“You know…I never caught why you came back to Ossus, Ben,” he said gently, the breeze riffling through his shaggy bangs. “Do you still live on Naboo?”

“No,” I mumbled. “Moved back home with my parents at the end of last year. And then I couldn’t stand ‘em, so I ended up here.”

Deirak nodded. “Hm. I remember you always had a hard time with your mother.”

“Yeah, well. Some things never change.”

“Some things do,” Deirak said. “You seem pretty different.”

I looked at him. “You think so?”

“From when you were seventeen? Yeah.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know. You just seem…older.”

“Well…not as old as you. Jedi teacher and all.”

“Ah, please. I’m just a guy.”

“Yeah…a Jedi teacher guy.”

Deirak chuckled. “I owe a lot to Meliko. She’s an incredible partner.”

I turned to look at him, maybe with a little too much surprise.

“Teaching partner, I mean,” Deirak corrected. “We’re not together. If that’s what you thought.”

“No, uh…of course not,” I fibbed.

“I’ve actually taken a vow of celibacy,” Deirak said. And he sounded serious, but I still wasn’t sure if he was joking.

“You mean…like…actually?”

Deirak nodded. “Yes, actually. You know. Like the Jedi of old.”

“Uh…wow,” I said, scratching the side of my face. “Does…Fannie know?”

Deirak laughed. “She’d hardly be disappointed, I think.”

“So…she doesn’t know?”

“Well, I never told her.”

“Really? How come?”

“Oh, I’m not trying to hide it from her or anything,” Deirak explained. “Fannie and I just…aren’t part of each other’s lives anymore. She likely already knows. Through the grapevine, or however. But…she and I don’t speak much. Haven’t for years, you know.”

“Is…that…hard for you?” I choked out, and I think something in my voice revealed a little more than I wanted it to. Deirak looked at me curiously, and I began to regret opening my mouth. You never know with Jedi, after all. How much they can see into your head.

Deirak stared at me for what felt like forever before clearing his throat and rubbing his finger under his nose. “Are you, ah…are you and Fannie still close?” he asked slowly, and I grimaced and shrugged and flushed.

My reaction was too strange to not tip him off. Deirak sat back a little, blinking at the horizon. I felt so stupid—I knew he had me all figured out. Fannie had never told him about us, but it seemed I had given it away without even saying a word.

Well: what would he do now? Laugh at me? Chew me out? At least scoff.

But…he didn’t.

“…I’m sorry, Ben,” Deirak said at last. “I know how much you and she always enjoyed one another’s company.”

It was a horribly awkward thing for him to say, given our history. But…it was also extremely kind.

No “Serves you right.”

No “And how do YOU like it.”

Just…honest sympathy and naked compassion.

Was he really so over her that he could tell me that, and not feel any emotion? I didn’t know if he was. I can sense things about people too, sometimes, and I had a feeling he had partially made his vow of singleness because Fannie had been it for him. He’d loved her. I knew he had. I’d seen him look at her with stars in his eyes for three years straight. Even now, there was a tenderness in his voice when he spoke of her, that I couldn’t ignore even if I wanted to.

The Jedi confuse me. Fannie, Deirak, Luke…all of them. They don’t stay mad at the people they oughta be mad at. They’re nice when they shouldn’t be. And none of them should be willing to talk to me anymore, not after all the things I’ve done, and yet...

…I didn’t know how to finish the thought. Deirak was making direct eye contact with me. Not like how he used to before, back when we were seventeen and I knew he didn’t like me. The way he was looking at me now made me feel like a person. And…I hadn’t really felt like a person in a while.

“…Thanks,” I said.

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Fannie’s Blog: @fanniepentarra

Amalia’s Blog: @mal-is-tall

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Inktober 2016

Posts by Character

Family

Mom: My mother, also known as Senator Leia Organa, also known as Space Mom, also known as Don't Mess With Her. Tough as nails. Also has nice nails.

Dad: My father, also known as Han Solo (or scruffy-looking nerfherder). Isn’t as cool as you think he is, but makes up for it with heart.

Rey: My adopted sister, also known as "Kid". Ten years younger than me. Originally from Jakku. Eats faster than anyone I’ve ever seen.

Uncle Luke: My uncle, also known as Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. Is a cinnamon roll.

Ren the Bantha of Indeterminate Gender or Origin: My stuffed bantha friend. Not much can be known about this humble beast, but they are fiercely loyal.

Threepio: My mom's protocol droid. Has foregone enough memory wipes to pass as sentient. Best ignored.

Artoo: Luke’s beeping trash can. Extremely rude.

Chewie: My dad’s best pal. Gives great hugs. Don’t play holochess with him.

Lumpy: Chewie’s son. About my age in Wookiee years.

Darth Vader: My grandfather. It's complicated.

Friends

Fannie: One of Luke's Jedi students, who has since graduated. Twi'lek. My bestie when we were teens. Mom friend.

Amalia: One of Luke's Jedi students, who has since dropped out. Massive Togruta girl. Frenemy.

Treeso: My roommate from college. Gungan. Solid dude.

Sweeper: My archnemesis: the cleaning droid at work that keeps eating my paper notes.

Ugly Raisin Men Who Have Invaded My Mind With the Force

Snoke: Enough said.

Story Events

The Long Night: (2/25/16 - 4/2/16) In which I woke up from a nightmare and couldn’t sleep.

Space Braces: (5/16/16 - 12/7/2017) In which I got braces.

Get Out of My Head: (8/4/16 - 8/28/16) In which Mom left for a diplomatic mission and left me at home with my dad, and I was consumed by fear and darkness.

The Visit: (10/6/16 - 11/5/16) In which Uncle Luke came to visit us.

Sixteen!: (12/3/16 - 12/11/16) In which I turned sixteen.

Life Day 21 ABY: (12/25/16 - 12/26/16) Life Day!

The Impending Future: (9/10/17 - 9/29/17) In which I had an existential crisis about Mom wanting me to become a Jedi, and I discovered Snoke.

Seventeen!: (12/3/17 - 12/11/17) In which I turned seventeen.

Life Day 22 ABY: (12/25/17 - 12/26/17) Life Day!

A Week With Luke: (12/21/17 - 1/7/18) In which my mom made me spend a week at Luke’s Jedi school.

An Awkward Situation: (4/26/18 - 7/15/18) In which I thought my best friend Fannie was going to ask me out. Like, on a date.

About Amalia: (7/16/18 - 8/7/18) In which I accidentally started a chain of rumors about Amalia, Luke’s mysterious and hardest-to-get-along-with student.

The New Roommate: (4/24/24 - current) In which my roommate Treeso moves out and I have to find someone to take over his lease.

Amalia is no longer a Jedi, and has not spoken to him in years. Fannie is definitely a Jedi, but last year she decided that even though she respects Luke, she must use her own discernment instead of relying on his. Deirak, Fannie’s Jedi school sweetheart, is not only a Jedi, but a Jedi teacher—but Deirak and Luke disagree on a doctrinal standpoint, because Deirak is a Jedi traditionalist whereas Luke’s approach has been Jedi reform. Meliko, Fannie’s former apprenticer, is also a Jedi teacher—and while she seems to hold to the same ideas as Luke, they disagree on execution—she thinks that the Jedi school model, where students must come to Ossus to learn, is less accessible than if the Jedi roamed the galaxy as the Force led them and spread their teachings that way.

Others of Luke’s graduated students have left Ossus to pursue the Force’s callings on other planets (like Fannie did). It’s difficult for Luke to stay in contact with all of them. I’m not sure how they’re all doing.

On top of that, he still has to teach his current kids…and as I said before, he and his appointed teachers don’t always agree on the best way to teach them.

And on top of all of that, Luke’s got a sister with one messy grown-up problem child, and his sister is really counting on him to fix that guy—one weekend visit at a time.

I haven’t told Luke how much I’ve observed. I think it’d freak him out. He’s really trying to hold it together. To his credit…I think he’s doing a lot better than most of us would.

I did ask him though if he had someone he felt he could talk to. The little Jedi kids come to the older Jedi kids. The older Jedi kids come to Deirak and Meliko. Deirak and Meliko come to Luke. Who does Luke have to come to?

“I talk to my father often,” Uncle Luke told me, and I saw warmth in his eyes as he thought about his dad.

“Anakin?” I asked, surprised. “Do you, uh…ever hear back from him?”

Amalia said that as a Jedi, she was always focused on how to use the Force, but now, she thinks more about how the Force uses her. The Force, to her, is less of an energy and more of a divine being with its own will, whose will we ought to discern and follow. And then there was some other stuff about how she thinks the light side/dark side balance thing isn’t actually true, that what we call the light side of the Force is really just the Force itself, and…well, it’s way over my head, so don’t ask me.

I don’t know, I guess it’s kinda interesting. But I’m a little more interested in paying my bills and hitting work deadlines right now.

One thing’s clear to me, though. Amalia is way happier than she used to be. More chill. And nicer. Doesn’t stop her from roasting me all the time though—which is good, because I’d hate to lose such an integral part of our friendship.

As for Fannie…well, she and I aren’t really in contact anymore. She went to Ryloth to work with a Twi’lek anti-trafficking organization around the time that I left for college, and things haven’t really been the same between us after that.

Fannie and I used to be real buds. She always saw the best in me (even when I was being a jerk), and showed a lot of care for me that I hadn’t really experienced before. We became even closer after she broke up with her boyfriend Deirak because of their differing plans for the future (she was set on returning to Ryloth, and he wanted to stay with Luke and be a Jedi teacher).

Even though Fannie was the one who ended things with him, it still made her really sad, so after the breakup I spent a lot of time with her and listened to her cry and invited her to hang out with my family and took her on walks a lot. (Looking back, I can see why Deirak stopped being nice to me around then. Whoops. Sorry bro.)

Anyway…after I went to Naboo and she went to Ryloth, being in such different worlds—I mean our lifestyles, not the planets—put kind of a strain on our friendship. I was complaining about writing essays, and cramming for finals, and enduring my stupid stupid stupid Nonhuman Studies courses where everyone was like “Ben is a human so his opinion on Hutt crime lords is invalid”—and Fannie was like, “Oh yeah, I helped deliver a baby today. I went on an undercover mission to help a woman escape her slaver.”

Awkward.

It’s not like we fought over it or anything. But…there was just this…disconnect, and we both were really busy, and eventually we kind of just…stopped talking.

Well…okay, maybe I was the one who stopped replying as much. And then I got anxiety whenever I opened our messages and remembered I hadn’t replied in over a month.

She did reach out to me last summer to ask if I graduated. I was like, “Haha, yeah!” and she was like “Congratulations!” and I was like, “Thanks!” and that was that.

Eventually, I gave up the search and headed to Luke’s office, which was where he and I had been planning to meet and catch up. And, ha—of course—as the Force would have it—well, I don’t even need to really say it, do I?

“…it’s just so hard, Luke. I love him so much. I don’t think I could even begin to tell you how much I love him.”

I stopped in my tracks, about five feet away from Luke’s office door. My heart started pounding. It was her. And then I felt the absolute weirdest cocktail of emotions—giddiness and affection because that’s my freaking wife I love the sound of her voice AHHHHH I haven’t seen her in a whole entire month!! I love her so freaking MUCH and absolute terror because we haven’t talked for four days what’s gonna happen if she sees me??? and indignant anger because wait what the frick who gave her the right to tell my uncle about all this, I haven’t even told my parents yet, she never asked my permission to tell anyone and insane delight because hold on did she just say she loves me?? and then immense sadness because oh yeah, but, she’s questioning whether she and I should even be together at all…

I slumped against the stone wall and tried to catch my breath. She sounded all stuffy, like she’d been crying.

“I love him, Luke. Ever since I first saw him, and so much more as I’ve gotten to know him, and…this feels like the only thing I truly want. I have learned not to want. I have learned to be content in all things. But, I have always liked him, and I have never thought he would feel the same way, and now that he does, I can’t—can’t let go.”

Muffled sobs. My heart wrenched. I mean…yeah, there was all this…stuff…between us now, but…I still hated for her to hurt. And…I didn’t know she liked me so much.

I don’t think I’ve ever been the one thing someone’s wanted before. I felt this sort of…profound ache, I guess, that I never knew I had inside me. Because…yeah. I am constantly fighting the delusion that everyone hates me and wants me gone. I know better than to give these thoughts credit, but a couple times a week I find myself wondering…would it really make a difference to anyone if I disappeared?

So…all of a sudden, as soon as she said that, on top of everything else—I wanted so badly for someone to want me half as much as she said she did. To be so important to someone as to be the one thing they wanted out of life…? Damn.

Snoke had made me feel that way—well, not exactly that way—but something a little like it. I had been special to him. Until I disproved my usefulness, I guess.

My uncle’s gentle voice from the other room broke through my thoughts.

“Fannie,” Luke was saying, in that warm, measured tone of his. “You are very wise, and I am very proud of you. You have learned the way of the Jedi. You have learned to know yourself. To know your desires. To recognize the needs they reflect. I find it so completely natural that you would have feelings for Ben. He’s a sweet kid, and reminds me so much of his dad. And I know the two of you have shared a special friendship. I think you’ve meant a lot to him. You’ve been able to connect with him more than any of your other classmates have. I know he means a lot to you. But, I also think you know what is right. He’s not a Jedi, Fannie. And he is not in touch with the Force.”

I chewed on my lip and slowly slid down the wall until I was sitting on the stone floor. I tried to make sense of Luke’s words. Yeah, I wasn’t a Jedi. And neither was Mom. Was that how Luke felt about us? How he felt about me? That just because we weren’t like him, we were doing something wrong? That there was something wrong with me?

Snoke’s words echoed in my mind. If you ever strayed from your uncle’s narrow view of the light…

“If you choose to bond yourself to him, Fannie, it would be a difficult road,” Luke was telling her. “Permit me a farmer’s analogy: a team of banthas cannot travel far, if they are each headed in different directions. You might pull him one way, true. He might also end up pulling you astray.”

Astray? It wasn’t like I was a Sith Lord. I was just…you know…a guy.

“But…suppose I were able to teach him, Luke. Suppose that, by loving him, I could show him the light…”

“Hm. The Force may choose to work in such a way. But…I suspect it would do so as a mercy, rather than as a rule. Would you want to bank on that, Fannie? And would you want him to become a Jedi, not of his own will, but for your sake?”

She was quiet for a moment. And then:

“…Master Luke…do you think it…possible…that Ben might choose to seek the Force on his own?”

“Do you?”

“Well…I do think it’s possible...”

“As do I,” Luke agreed. “All things are possible, Fannie. You know I believe that. I believed that about my father, and I believe that about your father. How much more, therefore, do I believe it for Ben. But…whether Ben chooses to center his life around the light is really up to him. You can’t make him. And I can’t make him. And even the Force itself cannot make him. He must choose. And you must choose.”

My knees started bouncing rapidly in that nervous way my mom always hated.

“So…what will you choose, Fannie? Will you choose to serve the light side of the Force, above all? Or will you choose to serve your desire? Even a good desire?”

A full minute, spent in silence. That was so Fannie. I would have chuckled—if I wasn’t currently being driven insane.

“…I am a Jedi,” I heard Fannie say finally. “So…the answer is clear. Albeit painful.”

My stomach plummeted.

The shuffle of robes. I think Luke was hugging her. As if to reward her for driving a stake through my gut.

“Your desires are not wrong, Fannie,” my uncle told her. “I know you love him and care for him. Your love for him is a beautiful thing. Your desire to love and be loved is a beautiful thing, and a right thing. But where will you choose to meet your good desires? How will you choose? By whatever is easiest? Whatever is fastest? By wherever you feel the strongest pull?”

“…By wisdom, Master Luke.”

“Yes. By wisdom.”

“For this is the way of the Jedi.”

“Yes. This is the way of the light.”

My eyes darted back and forth between all the little cracks in the floor as I tried to wrap my head around all this. Fannie…

Why…

…I didn’t understand.

I felt kind of nauseous and the back of my neck prickled up with sweat and my pinky toes started to hurt.

And suddenly I felt this…intense…rage…come upon me. Because…who would choose this? Who would choose to serve a power that required you to give up the things you wanted most? Snoke had tried for years to control me…to take everything I had…only for it to turn out that the light side of the Force was exactly the same.

My throat tightened up. If there had been any curiosity for the Force left in me at that moment, it died.

And then my anger turned toward my uncle, and his narrow-minded beliefs, and his stupid Jedi cult.

I blinked back tears. My ears felt all hot. And I began to hear them again…more clearly this time…those voices that called for me and crooned my name.

I stood up—maybe a little too fast—my head spun—but it was already spinning anyway. And then, I decided—

…Well. Wait. Before I go on.

What do you think I should have done?