#decembaby

My Decembaby is not gaining weight as fast as she should be. After various consultations the doctor recommended she go on a dairy-free diet… which means I have to go on a dairy-free diet. The good news is that it’s probably something she will grow out of… the bad news is that I may have to stay on it as long as she is breastfeeding.

I alternate between grim competence and complete collapse over this news. I have never in my life given up a whole food group at once, and I’ve been lucky enough not to have allergies or intolerances. Lucky too to replace all the dairy stuff in our fridge and to seek out “compliant” foods. But I’m just so tired. I was in a good place where I was eating enough, mostly eating good stuff, and now I have to read labels and read new recipes and obsess and… I hate it! I love my baby but I miss pizza already and it’s been like 4 days.

And our pediatrician has given us/me basically NO support on this. Osteoporosis runs in my family, so I asked for a list of good non-dairy calcium sources and they sent me one that was MOSTLY dairy. What the fuck man. So now I gotta research all this stuff and somehow figure it out on the fly, while my brain feels like a dead pinball machine with all these screws and springs rattling for nothing, while taking care of the baby and occasionally washing my hair and so on. I completely broke open when I asked for tips and the nurse wrote to me “the detox period is a long one but if you follow it diligently you may see some small improvements.” Oh great! All I have to do is overthink everything I eat when I worked so hard NOT to do that! Small improvements!

I’m pretty sure I know what the best thing for my mental health would be… but I am stubborn so we are going to try this detox for 2 weeks and see how it goes. I am hungry.

Tiny training buddy!

I’ve started the Nike Training Club postpartum series which is good AND free but I think I need something more comprehensive. I don’t have the anatomical knowledge so I can only say that some moves and positions are uncomfortable and they used to not be, so I need some guidance there. I would love to get back to running but physically I don’t think I’m ready.

This isn't going to become a pregnancy blog (I think??) but I did want to get down a few thoughts about how I've been feeling and what's been going on!

Popping my head up for a quick update here.

My daughter was born 6 weeks ago. Somehow it feels like five seconds and an eternity at the same time. I keep thinking it's still the beginning of January, in the safe time warm cocoon of our apartment where we spent 98% of our waking hours.

I tried to prepare myself as best as I could for what was ahead, but I was not prepared for how emotionally intense this experience would be. I don't know if I can fully express it now! We're so happy and so lucky and it's still so hard. Decembaby is healthy but feeding her is challenging and so is figuring out why she's upset, when she's upset. (Surely the sleep deprivation isn't helping on that front.) It's wild to me to think that this is such an ordinary, core human experience, that happens all the time, that is so ordinary and so transformative at the same time. WILD!

For everyone whose holiday isn’t going the way they planned, or is sad today for reasons they can or can’t pinpoint, may I offer you a warm baby clad in fleece with a soft little head and a chubby little cheek.

We’re just hunkering down at home over here getting to know each other. My mom’s been bringing meals, my sisters have been in and out cheering us up and helping with errands. Last night we watched Love Actually on TV from the Mr Bean scene forward and back around to the beginning, just the 3 of us. Well, Decembaby didn’t really watch.

If I feel one thing about parenting it’s that I’ve never felt so totally up to a task and so inadequate at the same time. In an instant I can go from “I don’t know what she needs, I suck,” to “we’re doing it, best that’s ever been.” This experience was cemented in the hospital when she screamed at me for fully 20 minutes as I put her in her car seat to go home, only to get full nurse approval of my baby installation on the first try. (I guess practicing with her Baby Yoda Build-a-Bear really paid off!)

She’s perfect and we love her so much.

I am "forcing my family and friends to guess when the baby will arrive and what her name is" weeks pregnant! Seriously, I made a Google Form, DM me if you want me to send it.

Now I'm "up at 1am the night before the doctor trying to figure out what absolutely cannot be put off in case I get admitted" weeks pregnant.

I don't have any good reason to believe that I'll be admitted today, but I do believe it so the postpartum PJs* are WASHED and the sheets are CLEAN and I am POSSESSED.