#dear dispatch management

I'm writing because when I came into work last week, I got fitted for my new superhero uniform. It's definitely a bit more....showy than I'm used to. However, each time I walk past Sonar, he excitedly says "boobs" and stares at my.....chest area.

I try to avoid being around him, but it turns out he's a very mobile guy.

Please correct his behavior before I correct it for him. If it helps, please let him know that bat stew is a delicacy on my home planet.

Greetings Hero,

Sonar does have a history of inappropriate behavior around women, especially in...that regard.

We shall send some agents to speak with him and we can use the stew point as leverage if need be.

Sincerely,

Robert’s fat little dog is adorable. Love the guy. But the thing is, I am allergic to dogs, and so is Liz from accounting. No clue if there’s more of us, but we’re sick of coming into work and then leaving with red eyes and runny noses. Can you take care of it? This feels like a workplace violation. Thanks,

A very sneezy dispatcher.

Greetings Sneezy Dispatcher,

We take health concerns very seriously here at SDN. So on receiving your report, we immediately spoke to Robert about removing the dog.

He is willing to keep the dog at home. Chase is not.

We here at HR are somewhat scared of Chase. Please discuss the matter personally with him. Perhaps he will listen to a larger group.

Sincerely,

it's come to my attention that the janitor that looks like a wet borzoi and Flambae keep making out in the spare closet near my cubicle. love is love. but its getting on my nerves when they're inches into eachothers mouths when i need more printer paper or time to curl up and process.

an email to both would be helpful, thanks

—disgruntled dispatcher

Dear disgruntled dispatcher,

Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We have several articles in our handbook about work and life relationships, and Flambe and Waterboy will be reminded of them.

We will also invest in a keypad for the closet and not give them the code. That may hinder these events.

Sincerely,

Greetings,

We value the safety and privacy of our heroes and dispatchers. If Robert will not allow you inside his home, it is likely because he does not want you there. You are legally required to follow his wishes.

Sincerely,

Please reiterate the rule of not using powers inside the office. Especially not on documents. I’ve noticed members of the Z-team use anything but the designated shredder to get rid of „not satisfactory reports“.

It seems to have become some sort of competition.

Lenny from public relations slipped over a pile of soaked reports and bruised his arm and I am getting a serious headache because the smoke alarm has gone off for the third time in the past two hours because a certain member of the Z-team insists on using flamethrowers instead of the perfectly functioning shredder.

Sincerely, slowly going deaf Dispatcher

Dear Slowly Going Deaf Dispatcher,

We have heard of rumors of report destruction and incorrect file disposal, but had not investigated until your report. While we do not oppose to bringing your own electric shredder instead of using the office-issued ones, we do oppose to open flames or use of knives.

We will speak to Blonde Blazer about doing a short course in document disposal and correct disposal methods. Thank you for your work.

Sincerely,

can we have a cocktail bar in the breakroom? we need it.

Dear Anonymous,

Drinking on the job is against company policy. Please drink in your off hours.

Sincerely,

Superhero Dispatch Network HR

one of the Z team members keeps using extreme vulgar language casually in the workplace. listen, i'm no prude but the man cusses like a sailor.

Is SDN going to do anything to protect professionalism in the office? Can't you train those criminals or something?

-Maisey (Dispatcher for team C22)

Dear Maisey,

We have received multiple complaints about the Z-Team's choice of terminology and indeed our own HR workers have experienced it first hand. We have spoken to them about their language in the workplace.

Unfortunately it seems to be ineffective.

However we are working with the Sacramento SDN Branch to produce a new course, "A Superhero's Guide to the Workplace Environment". It will cover inappropriate language.

Sincerely,

the sexual harassment in the workplace is absolutely insane. I personally do not want to romance either someone who's name rhymes with Dblonde Dblazer or SchInvisigal, I just want to do my JOB.

Is that so bad?

sincerely,

disgruntled dispatcher.

Dear Disgruntled Dispatcher,

Sexual harassment is something we take very seriously here at SDN. Attached to this email is a link to the SDN report form, where you can give a more detailed response about the sexual harassment so we may take action.

We appreciate your efforts to keep working under these circumstances.

Sincerely,