#deadboyween 2024

and it feels good to be known so well

Charles Rowland rarely sat still. He always had to be somewhat dynamic, whether it be bouncing his leg up and down or fidgeting with whatever was in his hands at the time. He was fine if he was focused, like during client interviews and while on cases, but when he was just relaxing, he was never truly still.

That had been the case for as long as Edwin could remember, but Charles’s constant movement had never been quite as bad as it had been for the last few weeks. Even seeing him sitting down at all had been a rarity.

He’d been on his feet for so long that he just looked so…tired. Ghosts may not sleep, but that didn’t mean they could keep moving forever without so much as a break. Edwin had been beginning to worry. Something was bothering him, that much was clear. And the way he kept looking directly at Edwin, as though to say something, then immediately looked away as soon as the other boy made eye contact, really didn’t help Edwin’s growing anxiety.

“Charles, are you quite alright?” he asked, putting his notebook away in the drawer of his desk and giving the boy his full attention. “I know you’re usually very mobile but there is clearly something on your mind.”

“I’m good, mate. Don’t worry about me,” Charles replied simply.

Edwin knew Charles well enough to tell when what he said was just a pre-programmed response to get people to stop worrying about him, no matter what was going on in that brilliant-yet-troubled mind of his. Edwin also, however, knew Charles well enough to tell when pushing him to talk wasn’t a good idea. And it was clear that this wasn’t the time, so Edwin chose support over questioning.

“Okay, but if you do need to talk, you know I’m always here to listen. And please sit down, you look exhausted.”

“I said I’m fine, Edwin,” Charles said again, snappier. He immediately regretted his tone. “Just…”

Then, Charles seemed to wobble a little on his feet. He let out a shaky breath, even though his lungs hadn’t truly inhaled air in thirty-five years, and leaned back against the arm of the sofa as though to steady himself.

“Charles…?”

“Shit, Edwin, I think…”

Before Charles could even finish his sentence, a spot on his chest just over his unbeating heart began to glow, and within a few seconds the rest of his corporeal form had faded away, leaving only a glowing sphere in his place.

“Charles!”

Edwin rushed over to the sofa, just catching the orb before it rolled off the sofa and onto the ground. He lifted the pulsing light to face height, inspecting it as though it could actually be harmed.

“This is the second time in two weeks, Charles. Please, just talk to me, you’re exhausting yourself,” he sighed, trying to fight back tears he couldn’t quite explain.

He thought things had gotten better since Port Townsend. He thought they had agreed to talk when they had important things on their mind, no matter what. He thought they weren’t keeping the deep stuff quiet anymore.

Evidently, he was wrong. Edwin couldn’t help but think that perhaps it was his confession that had caused them to backtrack so significantly in terms of communication. Sure, Charles told him that he was fine with it, that it hadn’t changed anything between them, that they were still the most important people in the world to each other – and Edwin believed him. At first glance, it would seem that they were just as close as they had been before – closer, even. Charles seemed more inclined to initiate physical contact than ever, and always seemed to be calmest when Edwin was in the room with him. But Edwin also knew Charles had gotten very good at keeping things locked up inside himself, especially things that could potentially make him feel like a burden. If everyone would be happier without it being said, it wouldn’t be said. Edwin genuinely thought that if you were to look up people pleaser in a dictionary, all that would be written there as its definition would be Charles Rowland’s name.

So if his confession had changed things, if Charles really was worrying about it, of course he wouldn’t mention it. If it had changed things, of course he might think twice about being quite so open about his own struggles. Edwin just wished he understood just how much he loved him. Not necessarily the love that made Edwin want to kiss Charles, to touch him in a romantic sense – but the love that made him always want Charles around, the love that made Charles the most important person in Edwin’s universe, the love that he had for him no matter what, no matter whether or not he returned Edwin’s romantic feelings.

Edwin just loved Charles because of who he was, and he always had. He hoped one day the other boy might finally understand that, so he knew intrinsically that he really could talk to him about anything, and didn’t have to bottle it up so much that things like this happened so often.

Edwin returned to his desk, but didn’t pull his notebook back out just yet. He simply sat there, Charles’s most pure and natural form floating slightly in his palms.

A few hours later, Charles had still not returned back to his usual gangly, grinning form. He was still just that tiny sphere of glowing energy. He’d been rolling around on the desk for the better part of half an hour – Edwin scolded him for moving around in this state when his constant activity was what prompted it in the first place – and had now found a place to settle.

He was nestled on Edwin’s shoulder, as though peering over him to look at his notebook like he usually did in his corporeal body. Every so often he nuzzled closer to Edwin’s neck, and Edwin couldn’t help the sense of pride and comfort he felt in the knowledge that Charles felt safe with him, no matter what secrets might be causing problems in his currently non-existent head.

The quiet of the room was interrupted when the door to the office opened and Crystal walked in.

“Hey, Edwin, have you seen Charles-” she began, but cut herself off when she spotted the flickering sphere on Edwin’s shoulder. “What’s that?”

“Oh. Hello, Crystal. Uh, this is Charles,” Edwin said.

“I’m sorry, what? He’s…a blob?” Crystal looked confused as she took her coat off, laying it across the empty sofa.

“An orb,” Edwin corrected. “It happens to us sometimes when we get tired. We may not be able to sleep like the living do, but we can compress ourselves into our most natural form – pure spectral energy. Well, I say we can. Sometimes it is involuntary, like fainting. That’s what happened to Charles.”

“Okay, that’s…kind of cool actually. Like ghost hibernation.”

As Crystal walked over towards the desk, Charles seemed to vibrate, growing brighter for a couple of seconds before dimming again.

“That’s him saying hello,” Edwin clarified.

“Oh. Hey, Charles! Wait…he can hear us?”

“Yes. Well, no. Sort of. He can sense that you’re here but perhaps not understand what you’re saying. Well, if we do hear we forget it when we turn back. We don’t fully understand it, if we’re honest.”

“Right,” Crystal said, clearly understanding even less than Edwin did.

The orb moved again, this time towards the side of Edwin’s neck as he had been doing all afternoon. Edwin chuckled – it did always tickle a little when he did that.

“Charles tends to get clingy when he’s like this,” Edwin turned back to Crystal, who had sat opposite him in the chair usually reserved for clients.

Edwin from a few months ago might have told her to move, or at least given her a glaring look, but now-Edwin simply smiled at her. They’d become good friends since everything, once they’d both realised they were being a little unfair taking out their frustrations on one another.

“He told me once that it is like his way of ensuring me he is there even when he cannot exactly talk. He seems to have a proclivity for always having to be near me in some way, especially since Hell,” he continued.

“I had noticed that,” Crystal said.

“I keep trying to tell him he doesn’t have to, that I can protect myself, but he just won’t listen.”

“It does seem like protecting you makes him happy,” she commented.

“I know. And I like knowing that he is happy, of course I do. But he seems to think that if he isn’t useful to me, then I will not want him around.”

“He’s like the biggest people pleaser I’ve ever met.”

“I just wish he knew that I want him around no matter what.”

Edwin turned to look sadly at his shoulder as he spoke. Charles only nuzzled even closer.

Crystal leaned further towards him, comforting.

“I’m sure he does know that, Edwin, it’s just… it’s just who he is. I think with everything that happened when he was alive, he constantly feels like he has to prove himself to everyone because he could never seem to be good enough for anyone. His dad beat him, and even the people he thought were his friends turned on him and fucking killed him. He’s gonna have a lot of trauma from that. Even if he refuses to really talk about it.”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing.”

“Also, if he can hear us right now, I’m sure he’ll know he can talk to us if he needs to,” Crystal said, her voice growing louder at the end as though specifically intending for Charles to hear.

Edwin appreciated how much she cared. Despite his initial jealousy and coldness towards her, it was nice having someone else who cared for Charles so deeply.

“I hope so. Especially since…” he took a deep breath. He hadn’t expected to be confiding in Crystal about this, but he was glad she came over. “Lately, he’s seemed even more distracted. Something is weighing on him – this is the second time he’s transformed in the past fortnight. I wish he would talk to me instead of keeping it inside.”

Crystal nodded slightly, her face unexpectedly relaxing a little.

“Okay, I think I know what specifically it’s been about more recently,” she said.

“Really? Did he talk to you about it?”

He tried not to be a little sad at the idea that Charles went to Crystal about it before he went to him. It was irrational, of course – he knew the two of them were close, and of course he loved Crystal – but it wasn’t helping that little voice in the back of his head that kept thinking something had changed between them since Hell, that he didn’t feel as comfortable sharing things with him anymore.

“Not exactly,” Crystal said, and Edwin’s mind eased. “I kind of figured it out and brought it up.”

“What is it? Is something wrong?”

“No, no, nothing like that, don’t worry,” Crystal reassured him, clearly noticing this was causing Edwin distress. “Look, I’m not the one who should tell you about it, so just believe me that it’s nothing bad, please.”

Edwin sighed.

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

“I promise. He’ll tell you when he’s ready.”

What could he possibly need to prepare to tell him? Edwin desperately suppressed the many anxiety-riddled questions and possibilities his tireless mind thought up.

“I’ll be here for him no matter what,” he said.

“I know,” Crystal smiled. “You always are.”

Edwin smiled back at her – the sister he never had. Crystal suddenly reached her hand up to her face and wiped a tear from her eye before it even had chance to fall.

“Alright, enough of that,” she sniffled. “I just came to say I’m not gonna be here for the next couple days. I’m meeting up with a few old friends, I wanna try and fix things. If I can.”

“Of course. I know you can, Crystal. I’m aware I don’t say things like this often, but you really are such a lovely person. I don’t know exactly what you did to these friends before everything happened, but I hope they see how much you’ve changed.”

“Thanks, Edwin. That…it means a lot.”

Both of them looked at one another for a few seconds, the small smiles still on both of their faces.

Then, all of a sudden, the orb on Edwin’s shoulder grew brighter, and brighter, and brighter.

“Woah, what’s-”

Before Crystal could ask, the light faded, and Charles’s familiar form faded back into corporeality. Since he had been perched on Edwin, he was sat on the arm of the chair practically clung to him when he opened his eyes.

“Charles! Good to have you back,” Edwin sighed, relieved.

“I need to talk to you,” Charles said, looking directly into his eyes.

“And that’s my cue to leave,” Crystal said, standing up from the chair and grabbing her coat from the sofa. “I’ll see you guys on Wednesday, yeah?”

“Goodbye, Crystal. Good luck.”

With that, Crystal left the office. Edwin swore he saw her give Charles a smile and a thumbs up as she left the room.

Edwin turned, surprised to see Charles hadn’t even moved, and was still all but pressed up against his side.

“How are you feeling?” Edwin asked, trying not to focus too hard on the proximity.

“Better. Thanks.”

“Are you sure? I’m not trying to pry, but I’m getting worried about you Charles. We said we’d talk-”

As Edwin spoke, Charles moved – but only to face him, leaning back against the desk like he did when they had clients.

“I know, mate. I’m sorry, I just…right, I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to you about something but I didn’t know how or when or if, and I guess…that rest I just got kind of gave me time to think a bit more without there being everything else,” Charles explained.

Edwin was confused, but gave him the chance to talk.

“Right. Is there something wrong, or…?”

“No! God, no, Edwin. Shit, I’ve really stressed you out, haven’t I?”

“Yes, I rather think you have,” Edwin chuckled. “I guess I’ve just been worried that perhaps…you feel differently about our agreement to talk to each other about things since I told you what I did in Hell.”

“What? Edwin, no. Fuck, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise-”

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Edwin told him, reaching out to take his hands.

Maybe that was overstepping, but Charles didn’t complain or pull away – quite the opposite: he held Edwin back.

“No, I do. You’ve been here thinking I…god, I’m sorry. I swear, what you told me in Hell is…well actually I guess it kind of is why I’ve been acting all weird, but it’s not what you’re thinking, I promise.”

“Then what?”

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, right? Ever since you told me what you did. I wanted to properly think on it because I love you so much and, like, I know we’d be us no matter what, but I just couldn’t just let this go, could I?”

Edwin opened his mouth to say something, but Charles cut him off.

“I know what you’re gonna say. You’re thinking I’m doing what I always do and just telling you what you wanna hear, but I’m not. I needed to think about this for me as well as for you.”

“And…?” Edwin prompted, trying not to sound as hopeful as he was steadily growing to be.

“Well, I was just driving myself insane, wasn’t I? I had no idea how to put this shit into words or figure out what it means. But then Crystal brought it up, and you know what she’s like – she’s direct about shit. And it really helped. She kinda put everything about this into perspective. ‘Cause, like, I was trying to find someone to compare my feelings to, to figure out if I felt the same, but, like, I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what that feels like. Sure I had a couple of girlfriends when I was alive but that was just typical teen romance, doing it just because it was expected of you and because it felt good. It was never proper love. All I knew was that you weren’t like anyone I’ve ever known. And Crystal helped me realise that maybe…”

Charles held Edwin’s hand tighter.

Edwin tried not to breathe too heavily, looking up at Charles with such hope and love and relief in his eyes.

“Maybe I’ve been in love with you since the start. I knew you were different, but we just clicked so well I didn’t even realise what that difference was, that it was deeper. You’re my best friend above everything else, but there’s definitely something else too. I just needed a little help to see it.”

“Charles, what are you saying?” Edwin asked.

He knew what he was saying. Of course he did. But he couldn’t quite believe it, so he asked anyway.

Charles reached his other hand out and tipped Edwin’s head up slightly by his chin, ensuring they were making eye contact.

“I’m in love with you. Always have been.”

Edwin couldn’t help the soft surprised noise that escaped his throat.

“Charles…why were you getting so stressed about this? You know you could have told me before it got to this point.”

“I know, it’s just…I think it took a while for me to realise I could have this. Like, obviously I knew you felt the same, but…I didn’t feel worthy? Almost. I don’t know. I never- I never really knew what proper romantic love was. My parents, maybe they were in love once, before I came along, but I don’t remember it. The only long-term romantic relationship I really knew was one full of fear and like, tension. And abuse. I guess I just worried I might not know how to do this, so maybe you wouldn’t want to. I dunno, it’s stupid.”

“No. It’s not stupid, Charles.”

Edwin held Charles’s hands under his own chin.

“Well, the idea that you aren’t worthy of my love is preposterous, but I understand why you might have felt like that. I know your family weren’t the image of love you wanted to see growing up. I can’t exactly say my own were either. But I promise you; your love, in all its forms, is beautiful. You might not think you know how to do this, but you’re doing it brilliantly. Even if you didn’t feel the same romantic inclinations I do, you are enough. You’re so, so much more than enough.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Charles couldn’t hold back any longer – he surged forwards, wrapping his arms around Edwin. It was awkward, with Edwin still sitting in the chair, so Edwin stood up. The two of them pressed up against each other, holding the other close as though they could disappear at any second.

Edwin only held him closer when he heard a quiet sniffle come from Charles.

“I love you,” he mumbled into Edwin’s shoulder, and Edwin swore a rush of warmth flooded his cold dead heart.

“I love you too,” Edwin replied. “More than anything.”

When they broke apart, they simply looked at each other for a moment, soft smiles on their faces.

“Can I kiss you?” Charles asked, and Edwin didn’t think he’d ever heard him sound so quiet, his mind so still.

“Of course you can.”

Edwin had been dreaming about this moment for a while, no matter how hard he tried not to. Every so often, his thoughts would wander to what Charles’s lips would feel like against his own, whether their kisses would be hungry and passionate or soft and gentle – or a little of both.

He always imagined, in the rare instances that he allowed himself to ponder the potentiality of Charles one day feeling the same way, that their first kiss would be quick, in the heat of the moment. Charles had always been an impulsive person, so he imagined this would be no different. Perhaps they’d be out on a case and Charles would pull him aside, crush their lips together and whisper a hurried ‘talk later?’ before getting back to the task at hand.

Edwin had never been happier to be wrong. Obviously, he wouldn’t have predicted or asked for the circumstances that led up to this, for Charles’s emotional conflict and physical and emotional exhaustion, but this moment, their lips meeting softly in the early evening light that poured in through the office window, was perfect.

When their mouths separated, Edwin kept his eyes closed for a few seconds, just revelling in the moment. Then, he opened them and oh he was glad he did – Charles looked incandescently beautiful standing before him, his lips slightly parted, his eyes huge and focused on him.

They both moved together for a second kiss, resting their foreheads against each other when their lips broke apart, as though being even centimetres apart from one another was a curse.

“I’m sorry, about the stress, and about the…orb-ing thing,” Charles said quietly, and Edwin swore he could feel breath against his own lips. That wasn’t possible, though. Ghosts didn’t breathe.

“Charles, it’s alright. I’m just glad you’re not suffering without telling me. Besides, we finally had an opportunity to explain our exhaustion symptoms to Crystal. You gave her a very confused fright when she first walked in and saw you.”

“Oh, I bet.”

Both of them laughed, heads falling onto each other’s shoulder.

When they separated, Edwin took a step back. But Charles kept his hand where it was on Edwin’s waist.

“Can we…go to the sofa? I don’t…wanna let go just yet.”

Edwin just smiled, smitten.

“Of course, Charles.”

The two of them settled together on the sofa – it was a little bigger than their old one, but still too small to fit two nearly six feet tall teenage ghosts if they wanted any semblance of space between them. Luckily, these two ghosts specifically weren’t bothered about space.

Charles positioned himself practically on top of Edwin, curled up on his chest, quiet and still. Edwin’s arms wrapped around Charles’s waist, keeping him close. He’d never really known quite how much he wanted this – how much he craved this – just being this close to the boy he loved most, touching in any way they could. Charles shuffled impossibly closer, nuzzling his face into Edwin’s neck in the same way he had earlier while in his orb form. The only difference was this time, Charles left gentle kisses there too. This time, he could definitely feel the warmth of Charles pressed against him. This time, there was no stress, no anxiety, no panicking. This time, the two of them were all that mattered.