#dayseventyone

I finally managed to speak to my therapist last night.

Our online session went really well despite China trying to fibre cock-block the connection at every turn, lol. My therapist gave me some great insights into my breakup with X. She reminded me to focus on my ‘reality’ of things instead of fixating on X’s reality, which in itself is a lie. And my therapist also urged me to write a letter to X - one that I never send - as a way of getting closure and saying goodbye to the relationship.

To be honest, I previously thought of doing just that: writing an unsent letter to X and just getting all my feelings of anger and betrayal out of my system. But now that my therapist suggested it, it feels pretty daunting.

I thought I was ready to say goodbye and move on. Now I’m not so sure.

I guess I’m used to doubting myself and situations, wondering if what I’m doing is good or right. It felt like that when I finally took X’s things out of my apartment. Now I can see the benefit of that action in hindsight, so I hope it’ll be the same once I write X a farewell letter. I’m gonna try and do it in the traditional way with putting pen to paper.

That seems more poetic somehow.

Work was alright and kinda frustrating in parts. My younger students feel the need to bum rush me at every turn when they need help in class. Sometimes I feel like yelling that I’m not their goddamn mother. I don’t get paid nearly enough to give a crap about every booboo that needs to be fixed in the classroom.

I officially give up at this point. It’s just as well that I’ve given my notice at work because I’m officially done.

Still, we got to leave work early in the afternoon, which was dope. AS and I ended up going to a department store after work to buy Halloween candy for school and other things. Then we ended up eating hotpot for dinner, which AS tried for the first time. She’s a laugh riot and had me in stitches multiple times during the evening. I’m glad I met her and I hope we can stay good friends for a long time.

Now I’m home, in good spirits and not feeling like doing a damn thing.

I still need to fix a part of my Halloween costume when these sticky parts made with felt keep coming loose. I did some writing last night, I just might do some more if I feel like it later.

But first, I’m gonna call P and G and see how they’re doing. It’ll be nice to catch up with them, I miss them terribly.

I’m gonna have a follow-up session with my therapist next week. I hope my letter to X will be done way before then since it’s kind of a homework exercise.

Saying goodbye to X might not be so terrible after all. I went to work today and put in extra effort with my hair and my clothes. I actually felt kind of beautiful without needing a reason to be that.

It feels nice to look good just for myself and not because I need or want to impress anyone.

Maybe it isn’t just about saying goodbye to the end of something.