#dayninetythree

So...today was a really good day. 

It started off crap because I woke up and it was morning time. But after I showered and prayed all of my hateful feelings out of my system, I actually felt much better. 

I went to work with a skip in my step. Yes, my classes had crappy moments when my students were going beserk and not listening to me. But I have eons of patience on good days, and that got me through some testy moments. 

After classes were done, I managed to find time to take a stroll around the running track with C and CI after we ate lunch in the cafeteria. I found time to help SH with practising her English from her textbook. I even briefly met two potential candidates for mine and C’s teaching positions at work, and one of them was from South Africa. I even exchanged Wechat contacts with her, so hopefully I can make a new friend while I’m still around in China. 

It helped that her friend who was also interviewing for my job was kinda cute too. 

It’s nice noticing new people in light of breaking up with X. Don’t get me wrong, I still noticed attractive men and women when X and I were dating, but I was super committed to her and would never have done anything about it. It’s just nice to look at people now and know that I won’t stay broken-hearted forever. I can notice things in other people, platonically or romantically, and see everything that is good, kind, beautiful or even just aethestically appealing without feeling any kind of emotional twinge. 

It’s my mom’s birthday today, so I summoned up my strength and energy to call her. I’ve been avoiding calling her for the past month since our last conversation; it was super weird and made less than usual, even by my mom’s usual standards of weirdness and hysteria. 

As it turned out, I didn’t need any emotional preparation after all. Maybe it’s just because it’s my mom’s birthday, but we had a really great talk! We talked about nothing of consequence just like always, but my mom still managed to share some precious emotional gems and pearls of wisdom with me that I didn’t realise I’d wanted or needed. I even got a chance to talk to my dad briefly and I ended up telling him all about what happened with SB and my decision to leave my school. My dad was really sweet and encouraging as always and that warmed my heart a lot. At the end of it, both my parents told me they loved me and that they’re proud of me. 

Honestly...that last part meant the most to me because I feel like I’ve been fucking up a lot in my personal and professional lives all year long. So for my parents to basically assure me that I’m not a total screw-up is all the affirmation I need. They’re far from perfect, but they’ve always supported me through my every whim and I’ve needed that so much. So even if my current job hunt is an unmitigated disaster, at least I know that my family will always be there for me.

That’s all the affirmation I need, really. That’s more affirmation than any romantic endeavour has ever given me and I needed to be reminded of that tonight.

Love is truly all around me. I just need to open my eyes and see it sometimes.   

I got a bit weepy with bittersweet tears when my mom sent me an old picture of her, my dad and G when she was a baby on WhatsApp earlier. The three of them look so happy, it kinda makes me wonder what happened to my parents and their marriage over time. 

Then again, it’s just Life. They got married in their mid-twenties and had G a year later, then me 3 years and then P 6 years later. My mom gave up her job to take care of us and my dad was always away on business for his job. They were trying to be good professionals, good parents, good marital partners and good church  ministry leaders too. It must’ve been a lot of pressure for both of them constantly trying to balance work, marriage, family and religion constantly. 

They’re not strictly happy together, but they’ve been married now for 39 years. That says a lot about their level of commitment to each other and to me and my siblings, given how shitty Life can be and is a lot of the time.  

I hope I can make it that long with my future wife or husband in this life. And imagine if I could stay married to someone that long and actually be happy too. 

What a world that would be.   

I decided to skip exercising tonight. Sure, it’s important to be active and stay healthy. But I’d honestly rather do things that make me happier tonight, like writing and resting before work tomorrow. 

I realised again today that happiness is indeed a choice. It’s a choice that you have to make every single day, even when Life and circumstances are telling you the exact opposite.