#dayfiftynine

Urgh, what a day.

I prayed for God to give me patience and wisdom to deal with the stressful day ahead of me.

And I failed spectacularly.

It doesn't seem to matter that I prepare templates for my students to follow every test. They completely ignore my guidelines and then ask me how to do every little things because they weren't listening to begin.

So I officially give up.

No more careful planning for every assessment. For the next round of tests, I'm simply going to teach my students the vocabulary and sentences they need and then let them surprise me with their amazing skills, or lack thereof.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm just not cut out for teaching young children or just teaching in general.

There were some good moments where I looked at the pictures my students drew in class today (like a magical coral reef filled with nothing but Avengers superheroes, lmfao). Or when JI came back her special class in the evening and gave me a back and shoulder massage at my desk to cheer me up.

So no, it wasn't all bad today. N also did really well with cheering me up and giving me good advice for how to de-stress after hours. Amidst all the stress, grabbing hold of those tiny moments of happiness interacting with my students and colleagues got me all teary-eyed in a good way.

It's gonna suck to leave this school. Some days, I'm not sure I want to. But I have to because despite some stolen moments of happiness, I'm not fulfilled in my life right now. I don't know what's going to make me happy eventually, but I have to take a leap and figure myself out somehow.

My students officially broke my brain, so I bought some liquor and cracked it open at home. Tomorrow's going to be a long day, so I need to chill as much as possible.

I don't really know what I'm even doing these days except moving forward somehow.

And on Saturday, I'm gonna go to FedEx and send X back her things.

That's going to suck and break my heart all over again, so a good cry might be in order after all of that.

And after I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I might just go right back to being angry at X for all the shitty things she did to break my heart in the first place.

Yeah, I'm defintely gonna need to borrow C's inflatable punching bag and gloves over the weekend...