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6:00 AM

Y/N's eyes didn't even open when she decided her entire day was already thrown off.

Her alarm was blaring loudly, just as it does every other day of her life. The sun barely beginning to shine over the horizon, not quite peaking through the blinds as she tears them apart to officially begin her day.

She tripped and fell through her day.

Each task seemingly stacked on top of one another, she could find a rhythm or groove, when she felt comfortable in one area, she began to fall apart in another. Usually she could find one thing, get totally lost in it, and have to be pulled back into present day and time - but today Y/N found her eyes drifting towards the clock more often than not, and each time, she would only get more and more frustrated.

"Okay, yes, Y/N you're cut first. You can go home" Her supervisor told her with an esaserbated sigh. "I'm sor-" "You've had a rough day. We can all tell. "

Embarrassed, but thankful, Y/N bowed her head and clocked out.

She grabbed her things and didn't waste anytime in getting into her car with the intent to finally sleep away the rest of this hellish day.

She put her bag and change of clothes half-assed into the passenger seat and put the key into the ignition. The engine sputtered and hissed - but ultimately it flooded and stalled out.

Her heart sank to the bottom of her stomach, her eyes shut tightly, it was taking everything out of her to not cry her eyes out right in this moment.

It had been a few weeks coming - her car started with a noise, she decided to respond by turning the radio louder. A check engine light turned on - she told Jooyeon, and he told her to keep an eye on it and let him know if it gets any worse or starts flashing.

Well.

It officially got worse.

She was silent as hot tears streamed down her cheeks - her phone barely alive, not being plugged in last night, but was suddenly her life line in this situation.

Y/N's fingers shook as she tapped the screen to life and called her boyfriend, it took three rings, but his cheerful voice flooded through her ears, calming her immediate anxieties.

"Beauty! Are you done work? Are you coming to practice?- Princess?- Hey? Are you okay?"

But she only choked out a pathetic sob - unable to answer him.

"Y/N, you're scaring me. Yeobo, whats going on?" Jooyeon tried again, his tone turning more urgent as his girlfriend only cried into the reciever.

"I uhm- The uh-" she cleared her throat and looked to the roof of her car as she tried calming her breath down. "My car died Joo- I don't know whats happening, but the engine isn't catching and I just- it was such a long day, and I can't-" "Hey, calm down. Calm down- right now baby, its okay. Where are you? I can come get you and Gunil-hyung can call you a tow"

Immediate relief took over her system as Jooyeon began taking care of her. Within twenty minutes, she was picked up, in his car on the way to their shared home, with a tow truck passing them the opposite way down the highway. He parked in the underground lot and turned to look at his girlfriend.

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Y/N was leaned against the window, the cold rainy day fogging up against her warm breath. Her eyes were shut, she finally looked peaceful - but the dark purple, almost blue bags underneath her eyes told another story. Jooyeon's heart broke as he cut the engine and leaned back in his seat.

His girlfriend, his baby, his noona - it was barely 3pm and she just looked so tired. It made him mad that he didn't know what to do to help her.

"What's going on, noona?" His voice careful, a low tenor as he took her hand in his and began peppering sweet kisses up and around her wrist and her forearm. Y/N's eyes lazily opened and she turned to look at him, she tried smiling gently, tried reassuring him that she was fine and he didn't need to worry about her - but she couldn't lie to him.

"My period started…."

Those were the three words it took for Jooyeon to spring into action.

Her last few cycles were especially rough, her moods swinging so low to the point she was stuck in bed all day, doing nothing and everything all once - just stuck inside her head.

It took him, Jungsu and Seungmin to get her to the hospital, and from there she was lucky to be evaluated by a specialist.

Four weeks ago - she was officially diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder; PMDD.

From their understanding, and their personal* experiences with it - Y/N was an depressed, stressed, anxious - scratch that, even scared when it came to her mood swings. There were nights she would stay up until the morning without trying, while there were days she couldn't keep her eyes open for longer than 5 minutes at a time.

Jooyeon found out she didn't like the dark during this time - and even though she slept with an eye mask covering her vision, he didn't hesistate to buy the best nightlight he found online.

He didn't stop his ministrations, his lips slowing down, applying more pressure, more meaning behind each kiss he left on her skin. "You're safe. I'm right here." He tells her, he didn't change his tone - he didn't deliver any urgency, he kept his tone low, he kept it steady, not knowing what her mental state was at this point. Y/N closed her eyes tightly as she nodded her head tears already brimming the waterline.

She knew what he was doing.

She appreciated it.

"What do you need from me, Beauty?" Jooyeon whispered. He turned her hand over and rested his mouth on the back of her hand.

Y/N sighed, already exhausted from the mental turbulance she had been balancing alongside serving customers all day.

A singular hot tear fell from the corner of her eye, trailing down her cheek, but Jooyeon's gentle fingers wiped it away before it could fall from her jaw. "Hey, talk to me. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." His hand moved and he cupped her jaw, and like an instinct, she cuddled into his large palm.

"I'm just so anxious. All the time-" Y/N cut herself off, as if expecting Jooyeon to beat her to it. He didn't, he stayed silent, his eyes locked onto her, one hand still clutching hers, the other cupping her cheek. "I'm right here."

Y/N nodded and took a deep breath, someone was listening to her.

Someone was paying attention to her.

Jooyeon was making her feel seen, but instead of scared and vulnerable - she felt safe and secure. She felt like she could fall backwards without warning, and he would spring into action to make sure she didn't hit the ground.

She felt like she finally had something safe to fall back onto.

Something secure.

"I'm so tired, of feeling everything, all at once all the time." She cried out, her hand clutching tightly onto Jooyeons. "My anxiety is at its worst at the weirdest times, sometimes I can't sleep - other times I can't eat, I mean, fuck!" Her voice quivered, her lip trembled, but she willed herself to keep going. Keep going through the tears, keep speaking through the forced laughs.

"I don't even know how many times I've woken you up with a panic attack at like 3 in the morning!"

Jooyeon squeezed her hand back, his presence an anchor to reality in this moment.

"I'm sorry - I'm sorry Joo, I'm just. I know this is the PMDD thing, and I'm probably overtired, and stressed over nothing, and I just-" "Don't you ever apologize for this Y/F/N." Her eyes shot open as he used her full name.

Jooyeon was a playful man, his entire life was to take it day by day. On one of their first dates he confidently told her

"I like to start with plan A, but if plan G comes before plan C - I'm going to adjust and make the best of it."

She liked his carefree ways - how he went with the flow, and let things slide off his back - but he knew when things got serious, and he knew when to show up and make it count.

To him, Y/N was his baby, his princess, his sleeping beauty, his brat, he would always choose to call her some sort of pet name before her actual name - but in this moment, he needed her to listen to him, no hesitation, no defiance.

"I can't even try to imagine what is happening in your body right now. In your -mind-" He tapped her temple twice for emphasis, forcing a smile that didn't quite meet her sparkling eyes. "Remember what the doctor said, yah? This is a hormonal change in your system. You have no control over it, no matter how much you want to- I know I'm sorry I said it like that too…"

Jooyeon cringed as he saw her lip wobble. "We can't control the fact you have it. But now that we know you -do- have it, we can monitor it and do everything we can to control the symptoms and side effects." Y/N nodded her head, her heart rate finally slowing down enough for her to take a deep breath.

"Are you ready to go upstairs? Did you take your meds?" Y/N nodded her head at his questions, unbuckling herself from the seat. "Yah, I took them this morning-" "So if I check the pill box?" He teased her, he had promised her mom when the two of them had moved in that he would take care of her.

He wasn't one to break a promise.

"I just want you. I don't need anything else."

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Jooyeon drew a bath for Y/N, the water hot and steaming - just how she liked it. He could see the physical pain she was in, her face and body relaxing as she sank down into the boiling water. "You're not joining me?" She asked him, her big doe eyes innocent as she looked up at him. "Not this time my beauty." Jooyeon leaned down and kissed her forehead sweetly. "You need to relax," "I relax with you…"

He could never say no to her, he was pretty sure she was the love of his life - everything she did just made him melt, wanting to form a protective barrier around her, make sure nothing in this world could harm her.

Instead of joining her, Jooyeon grabbed the step stool she kept hidden under the sink and leaned against the porcelain tub.

He would stay here forever if she asked him too, and they almost did - but Jooyeon could only stop her from drowning so many times before he decided to pull her up out of the tub.

"Beauty you know I'm like so dangerously obsessively in love with you, but I'm not helping you change i-" "stop talking before I make you regret it." She laughed him off, pushing him out of the bathroom so she could properly get herself ready for bed.

He was right outside the door when she opened it again, Hyeong-Jun passing by in the hallway could only laugh as he saw Jooyeon kneel down only to pick Y/N up, cradling her to his chest. "What is going on?"

"Princess treatment" Y/N said, but it was like her words offended Jooyeon personally. He adjusted his grip on her to glare at her, and then turn to acknowledge Hyeong-Jun. "Ignore her - she's diagnosed crazy. This is bare minimum."

Everyone in the apartment stopped for a moment - shocked that Jooyeon actually called his girlfriend crazy, but she just giggled at him, not missing a single beat as she nuzzled her head into the crook of his neck.

"I can't believe you just did that!"

"Neither can I…." "Holy shit…." She heard the other boys reactions, chuckling uncomfortably.

"If I hear anyone call her crazy - or anything remotely similar. I will end you." Jooyeon threatened them with a smile on his face.

♡♡♡♡

While Y/N got ready for bed, Jooyeon prepared their bedroom; They shared a shoebox sized room in the apartment they shared with the other boys - their bed taking up most of the space, but Jooyeon claimed they needed a big bed "we're getting a dog!" he would insist - and has been for the past 3 years of living together.

It started with turning the lights down low - the lamps down low. Y/N would complain the big light would hiss and hum, and he had a feeling in her current mood it would just overstimulate her and possibly cause another unwarranted melt down. With the app he turned the colour pink, both lamps a soft colour as he turned the brightness down. Next, her nightlight - it doubled as a white noise machine. He turned on rain against a tarp, and turned the brightness down on the round machine as well.

He was precise, turning the nightlight colour to cyan - it wasn't something they discussed fully, but he remembered whenever she would turn the light on, she would always turn it to the brightest blue shade.

Lastly, he spread out her electric blanket over the bed and turned it onto its highest power.

He used to hate the blanket - something that she kept from her previous relationship, it was something he would petulantly pout about when she would use, but now, it was a tool that helped his beauty rest and recover.

It was useful.

"This isn't princess treatment?- oh!" Y/N's eyes widened and closed as she felt the heat of the blanket once Jooyeon placed her ontop of the matress. He chuckled at her reaction, shuffling his shoes off, taking hers off, and climbing into bed beside her.

His long arms, his strong hands pulling her body close to his. Y/N's back met his chest and he hooked his chin over her shoulder. She melted into his embrace as if an instinct, his hands finding her lower stomach, gently rubbing and massage the bloated area. "Nah, this is me, loving my girl, holding her close, being a good boyfriend…"

One hand left her body to turn the tv on, but as soon as she held the remote, he was quick to cling back onto her. "Tell me, noona… Tell me how am I spoiling you right now?" But she couldn't think straight, her mind various versions of cloudy and muddy.

"Next thing I know you're going to pull a joint out..." she hummed tiredly, her eyes zoning out on the program she put on the screen in front of them. Jooyeon turned to his side of the bed, pulling out her precious dab pen.

He sneakily slid it up to her lips, and when she realized what it was, she perked up with joy. "I thought you threw it out!" "What? Your illegal substances? How do I even-" he was cut off by how fast she took the baby blue pen from his hands and took a deep inhale, holding her breath a good few seconds.

Immediately met with a headrush, she soon felt her entire body become limp and pliant, all tension she once held now melted away with her exhale. Jooyeon rubbed comforting circles on her back as she coughed a lung up, but he could tell she felt better.

"Seriously, I just don't know how to dispose of that thing properly to get rid of it" Jooyeon tells her. Y/N laughed as she laid her head on Jooyeons now bare chest - she claimed the skinship helped her feel better, and he wasn't one to argue with his beauty over her body. His hand brushed her hair back gently, the soft strands silky between his fingers.

"How are you feeling my beauty?"

"I'm okay, I have you, I have water. My pain isn't bad right now. I'm just sleepy." Jooyeon kissed her forehead again, and pulled her closer into his chest. "It's okay to sleep. You can have a nap, I can wake you up in a few hours?" "What will you do while I'm asleep?" "I'll figure something out, don't you worry about me."

It took a little more convincing, and even Jooyeon reading his current book outloud to her, but she finally nestled into a comfortable position, and drifted off into dreamland. He studied her features, each line, each stress, each freckle, each feature that made Y/N - Y/F/N.

His Y/F/N.

Jooyeon repositioned the two of them one last time before he settled into bed himself. He tucked a pillow underneath her hips for comfort, put her on her side, one arm underneath her head, the other hand massaging her lower abdomen.

Lee Jooyeon is an only child raised by loving parents who was taught to love, nurture, and respect all relationships in his life: Platonically or romantically.

When he learned that his girlfriend had a hormonal, chronic disorder that affected her once a month, every cycle. He took it upon himself and learned what it was, what he could do, what he could look out for, and how to be there for his partner when she couldn't voice it herself. Jooyeon saw his actions as out of the ordinary, sure - but this was his life, his partners life, and it was their new normal. He needed to be comfortable and familiar with what it was, it was going to become his new ordinary.

What he didn't see his actions as were 'princess treatment' - sure Y/N could have walked from the bathroom to their bedroom, sure he could could have let her bathe alone and not let her talk out her feelings or her day - but he didn't. His mom told him to treat others how he would want to be treated, and with her, it was a no brainer.

She didn't want to be alone - so she wouldn't be alone.

A/N was this a personal entry? 100000000%

Do I have *any* shame?

No, none whatsoever.

*When I said it was personal - it was personal. This is a creative piece letting me vent my feelings about my recent diagnosis freely.

My work does not speak for everybody with PMDD, just what I have been experiencing myself, and what has been professionally documented (In my specific case)

The disorder effects everybody differently and symptoms can vary from mental to physical, and it is unpredictable - though it is manageable.

link 1 link 2 - Basic, easy to find websites going further into depth and detail about PMDD (Canadian websites)

Finally getting a diagnosis for this has been an eye opener for my mental health- helping me process and realize what I have been struggling with for so long. At first, specialists assumed I have endometriosis, and test after test was inconclusive to the point I stopped with my follow up appointments.

This is piece is a favourite of mine due to the feelings I was able to pour into my work, but also because I am able to spread the word more about womens health to the best of my knowledge, thus the best of my ability.

I love you, and I hope you are having a good morning, day, night - wherever you are. And please remember that as the world turns, the sun goes down and comes back up, and so must we.

Have hope and resistance in your hobbies, your creativity, your joy, your wonder and your curiosity - and never stop working and reaching for a better tomorrow, week, month and year to come.