#darkpost

Burning Church 🔥⛪ by Varg Vikernes

Umm... how long has it been? 3 years? more? Idk. If you’re interested, here is some of what I’ve been through since that long year and coming back to home. It’s a little dark and messy so read at your own risk.

After I came back from Japan I honestly didn’t want to keep translating, going to Japan, returning to home and restart my classes here made me realize I’m not really good at translating and I was lacking many things. I even failed to pass one translating class and only got approved after taking a summer course, I felt like crap and wanted to drop out. The only things that kept me going was that I still had some Japanese related courses and I had already paid the whole year (education in Chile is quite pricey).

So, I kept going on. I discovered I was better translating things TO English and not TO Spanish which is quite the curious thing as Spanish is my mother language and I’m supposed to know it better. But I never understood its grammar and punctuation completely, nor took interest in it, nor liked it. But it’s depressing. Depressing that people around you expect to be a “master” of your mother language when studying translation, otherwise you lose “value”. It made me feel like I needed to apologize to someone, makes me wonder for what reason did I even try, what am I even worth of. 

I have endured it. These two years. It has not been easy, as I have none to confide in. I sometimes feel like bursting into tears out of nowhere and I know I have to at some point, because if I don’t... I’ll break, I’ll break and I don’t know if I could be pieced back together.  I’m tired, really tired. But only 2 months away and I’ll finish university, that’s my “hope” right now. Silly, right? 

Just 2 months... and I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I mean, sure, I like translating some minimal otaku stuff and share it with people, but am I ready to be a professional translator? Am I good to go? Would anyone like to work with someone like me?

There’s also some serious shit going in Chile now, which adds fuel to my troubled mind. Things being burnt, people getting hurt, being tortured or even getting killed, mass media manipulating info and farces coming up from the very government and cops. My university has been closed for a month... which I don’t really care, but it shows how serious the situation is.  I’m stressing all over this and tired about my parents approving of cops answering with violence towards protesters. I’m moody, easily irritated, I want to rest, forget, feel relieved. But I can’t.

I still play, read, talk to my brothers and friends and do whatever I like to do to distract myself, however that’s all, that’s it. A “distraction”. I don’t feel I’m enjoying my hobbies, but it’s the only thing I have. Thanks to my parents, we have an economically stable family and I can keep my hobbies and buying stuff from Japan. But I somehow can relate to “having everything, yet nothing”.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not being truly happy, I’m sorry for wasting money away for fleeting things, sorry for not studying seriously, for not making the most of my life, for never feeling truly grateful of being alive. I’m sorry. 

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