#danthectoman

Writer: @lumanae

“…What on Earth is that,” Danny shuddered.

“W–just because I’m not as cash money as Tali doesn’t mean I’m not cool!” sputtered tumblr user lumanae.

“That’s neat and all, but I was actually referring to the ghost scuttling out of the ghost dumpster.”

“Oh. OH!” Luma bolted out of their ghost inflatable pool chair. “Sorry, gotta go, I’ve gotta announce or something????”

“Sounds good to me,” Danny replied, settling in.

“And now,” Luma shouted over their ghost 1920s-esque microphone carrying loads of sex appeal, “we have match eight!”

The crowd roared.

“He’s green. He’s mean. He has an ornamental belt made of teeth he’s heisted. It’s @canofspooks!”

Spooks obligingly flopped around in their ghost trash puddle, akin to a beached Wii Play Mystery Fish.

A second ghost emerged from the crowd, chortling at the fabricated pie charts in her hand.

“Oh! Oh ho ho!” Luma exclaimed. “It’s the bureaucracy! It’s @dantheectoman !”

Red Wraith struck a secretarial pose.

“Get ready to be… penciled out!” She brandished her green ghost latte.

“Is that matcha, or just an inherent property of the ghost!descriptor? Like Scribblenauts.” Luma mused

“It is green! And soon,” Red Wraith pointed at the still-flopping Spooks,“ you will be too!”

“yeah. yeah thats fair” replied Spooks. He crunched his bones weakly.

Red Wraith stalked towards the trash ghost. “Prepare to be… decaffeinated!”

She stopped at his head, and tilted her ghost latte upside down. It splashed in a solid stream on Spooks’s head.

“Oh no…” He gurgled. “My one weakness! Java!”

“I knew you were a filthy bedrock edition player,” grumbled Technus, who was apparently still in the arena.

“My confidence… dissolving… my constitution… still trash-like…” Spooks moaned, before dissolving into goo.

“That settled that! Spooks is unable to fight! Red Wraith wins!” Luma exclaimed.

Red Wraith preened.

Writer: @reallydumbdannyphantomaus

“I should probably read these cue cards before announcing them this time, right?” Bug said.

“Probably,” Sam said. “Are you going to?”

“No.”

“Right on.”

“Bug,” Tucker said, “do you mind if I ask why you’re suddenly… nicer? I mean, you did call everyone fuckers, but you also won your phight by being really nice to your opponent.”

“I’m a rude nice,” Bug said. “But also you should love yourself. You’re smart and cool and I’m big into self-love so love yourself or I will do it for you.”

“That cleared up nothing, but thanks?”

Bug brought the mic up to their mouth, ignoring Tucker. “Oooooooookay! Y’all get ready for the next filthy battle! Iiiiiiiin this corner, phighting for the first time, it’s @dantheectoman! She’s one of… Vlad’s secretaries? Is this even allowed?” Bug looked around in confusion until one of the guard ghosts came and whispered something in their ear. “Uh, okay, I guess Vlad’s dead ghost secretary is phighting. One of them. Hang on, does this mean he has multiple secretaries and one of them is a ghost? Or does he have multiple dead ghost secretaries? Why does he even need multiple secretaries? Is that even a thing?”

As they spoke, a red ghost in a pencil skirt and glasses floating into the arena, holding a glowing green Starbucks cup.

“Get on with it,” Danny said, rolling his eyes.

“Right,” Bug said, clearing their throat. “Aaaaaaand in this corner, a returning phighter who put their sadness in a spray can and who should probably figure out how to monetize that so they can pay off any future debts, we have @spacegravedoodles!”

Holly popped out into the ring, flipping their spray paint can in the air.

“PHIGHT, PHUCKERS,” Bug yelled, banging a gong (get it on).

“Eat my depression,” Holly said, spinning the can around and spraying Red Wraith with the condensed sadness.

“I work for Vlad, honey,” Red Wraith said. “What do you think you can do to me?”

She threw her ecto-latte at Holly’s head, covering their head in lime-green goo.

“That thing has a 100% chance of ruining your hair forever.” Red Wraith adjusted her glasses so they did the anime character glint.

“Noooooo! Not my haiiiiiiir!” Holly dived out of the ring and rushed toward the showers.

“Making up statistics always wins,” Red Wraith said.

Writer: @dannyphandump

“Dang, Nick’s gone?”  Tucker pouted.  “I was hoping he’d let me take a turn on his Switch…”

“Oh, don’t worry.  He’ll be back.  Assuming he doesn’t get Vibe Checked in the ring, that is.”  Tali grinned.

“He’s survived plenty of Vibe Checks so far,” Danny pointed out.

“That he has.  Being an announcer give you plus 10 to Vibe Check resistance, which is the only reason Aurora hasn’t re-killed him yet.  But in the ring, all bets are off.  So let’s see how our hot pocket-cooking announcer fares against the ever-organized secretary, the Red Wraith aka danthectoman!”

The Red Wraith raised her ecto-latte high.

“PHIGHT!”

Nick raised his gun full of Fanfiction Reviewers’ Tears™, but the Red Wraith was flying at him before he could get in a shot.

“My chances of winning are 100 percent!”  The Red Wraith cried, pulling off the lid of her ecto latte to dump it on Nick’s head.

“You sure about that?”  He raised an eyebrow, unimpressed, before craning his neck back and opening his mouth to catch all of the cup’s steaming green contents.

The Red Wraith’s eye twitched.  “What— how did you…”

“I ate a lot of poorly cooked hot pockets before I learned to heat them properly.  I’m immune to food poisoning.”  He licked the remnants of the ecto-latte off of his face.  “I will have to borrow some new teeth from the bucket though…”

The Red Wraith took a step back, unsure what to do now that her main weapon was gone.  Could she fabricate any other statistics?  

Before she could decide, Nick sprayed her with the Fanfiction Reviewers’ Tears™.  Which, somehow, were even more caustic than the knockoff ghost Starbucks’ ecto-latte. 

“No… I wanted to put thumbtacks on Vlad’s seat… one last time…”

“She’s the one who’s been doing that?”  Vlad burst.

Tali put a thumbtack down on his chair, in the Red Wraith’s honor.

“Danthectoman is unable to battle!  Ecto-American wins!”

“Does this mean I get to play the Switch now?”