Writer: @reallydumbdannyphantomaus

“Hey fuckers,” Bug said, popping into the announcer booth. “I really hope Tali’s profanity filter doesn’t catch me cussing.”

Tucker leaned over to Danny. “What the fuck are they talking about?” 

Danny shrugged.

“I thought you weren’t announcing this time?” Sam raised an eyebrow.

“And I thought that I’d have graduated college by now. Death is weird, homie.” Bug grabbed their sparkly pink microphone. “Hey y’all fuckers, your favorite dumb bitch is back! Here to announce another legendary battle!”

The crowd erupted.

“Iiiiiiiiin this corner, returning for their second year as a phighter—” Bug checked their notes and grimaced “—the absolute worst who just made me lose the game in 20-fucking-20, it’s @voidetrap!”

The crowd stopped cheering to groan. A few ghosts piped up to mention that they’d lost the game. When Void stepped out, parrot on their shoulder, the crowd booed and threw popcorn at them. They bowed.

“Aaaaaaaaand in this corner, a first-time phighter. an absolute trash gremlin, who apparently thinks legs are… for cowards.” Bug covered the mic and turned to Danny, showing him the cue card. “Am I reading this right?” Without waiting for an answer, they turned back to the crowd and yelled into the mic, “I give you, @canofspooks!”

Spooks floated in, spectral tail fluttering in the wind.

“Your tail looks stupid!” Void said.

“Give me your teeth,” Spooks said.

“Okay, binches! Ready, set…” Bug hit the gong. “Phight!”

“Get ‘em, Parry.” Void flung their parrot off their shoulder, directly at Spooks’s face with a crunching noise.

Spooks winced. “Ow, oof, my bones.”

“Do. Do ghosts have bones?” Sam said.

Bug snorted. “Fartman only wishes; crunchy bones are just Spooks’s weapon of choice.”

“And he. He keeps them in his face?”

“Apparently.”

“Eat my boooooooooones!” Spooks tossed a femur and a mandible at Void, who failed to dodge.

“Good thing I don’t actually have a form, right?” Void said, disassociating.

“That’s what you think!” Spooks ran forward, tackling Void. He reached in their mouth and pulled out their teeth. Void screeched before passing out.

“Now that’s just unsanitary,” Tucker said.

Writer: @lumanae

“…What on Earth is that,” Danny shuddered.

“W–just because I’m not as cash money as Tali doesn’t mean I’m not cool!” sputtered tumblr user lumanae.

“That’s neat and all, but I was actually referring to the ghost scuttling out of the ghost dumpster.”

“Oh. OH!” Luma bolted out of their ghost inflatable pool chair. “Sorry, gotta go, I’ve gotta announce or something????”

“Sounds good to me,” Danny replied, settling in.

“And now,” Luma shouted over their ghost 1920s-esque microphone carrying loads of sex appeal, “we have match eight!”

The crowd roared.

“He’s green. He’s mean. He has an ornamental belt made of teeth he’s heisted. It’s @canofspooks!”

Spooks obligingly flopped around in their ghost trash puddle, akin to a beached Wii Play Mystery Fish.

A second ghost emerged from the crowd, chortling at the fabricated pie charts in her hand.

“Oh! Oh ho ho!” Luma exclaimed. “It’s the bureaucracy! It’s @dantheectoman !”

Red Wraith struck a secretarial pose.

“Get ready to be… penciled out!” She brandished her green ghost latte.

“Is that matcha, or just an inherent property of the ghost!descriptor? Like Scribblenauts.” Luma mused

“It is green! And soon,” Red Wraith pointed at the still-flopping Spooks,“ you will be too!”

“yeah. yeah thats fair” replied Spooks. He crunched his bones weakly.

Red Wraith stalked towards the trash ghost. “Prepare to be… decaffeinated!”

She stopped at his head, and tilted her ghost latte upside down. It splashed in a solid stream on Spooks’s head.

“Oh no…” He gurgled. “My one weakness! Java!”

“I knew you were a filthy bedrock edition player,” grumbled Technus, who was apparently still in the arena.

“My confidence… dissolving… my constitution… still trash-like…” Spooks moaned, before dissolving into goo.

“That settled that! Spooks is unable to fight! Red Wraith wins!” Luma exclaimed.

Red Wraith preened.