Only if Phantom want them to

“Only because you won’t let me deck him on the face :(( “

“You do realize that’s worse right?”

Writer: @reallydumbdannyphantomaus

“I should probably read these cue cards before announcing them this time, right?” Bug said.

“Probably,” Sam said. “Are you going to?”

“No.”

“Right on.”

“Bug,” Tucker said, “do you mind if I ask why you’re suddenly… nicer? I mean, you did call everyone fuckers, but you also won your phight by being really nice to your opponent.”

“I’m a rude nice,” Bug said. “But also you should love yourself. You’re smart and cool and I’m big into self-love so love yourself or I will do it for you.”

“That cleared up nothing, but thanks?”

Bug brought the mic up to their mouth, ignoring Tucker. “Oooooooookay! Y’all get ready for the next filthy battle! Iiiiiiiin this corner, phighting for the first time, it’s @dantheectoman! She’s one of… Vlad’s secretaries? Is this even allowed?” Bug looked around in confusion until one of the guard ghosts came and whispered something in their ear. “Uh, okay, I guess Vlad’s dead ghost secretary is phighting. One of them. Hang on, does this mean he has multiple secretaries and one of them is a ghost? Or does he have multiple dead ghost secretaries? Why does he even need multiple secretaries? Is that even a thing?”

As they spoke, a red ghost in a pencil skirt and glasses floating into the arena, holding a glowing green Starbucks cup.

“Get on with it,” Danny said, rolling his eyes.

“Right,” Bug said, clearing their throat. “Aaaaaaand in this corner, a returning phighter who put their sadness in a spray can and who should probably figure out how to monetize that so they can pay off any future debts, we have @spacegravedoodles!”

Holly popped out into the ring, flipping their spray paint can in the air.

“PHIGHT, PHUCKERS,” Bug yelled, banging a gong (get it on).

“Eat my depression,” Holly said, spinning the can around and spraying Red Wraith with the condensed sadness.

“I work for Vlad, honey,” Red Wraith said. “What do you think you can do to me?”

She threw her ecto-latte at Holly’s head, covering their head in lime-green goo.

“That thing has a 100% chance of ruining your hair forever.” Red Wraith adjusted her glasses so they did the anime character glint.

“Noooooo! Not my haiiiiiiir!” Holly dived out of the ring and rushed toward the showers.

“Making up statistics always wins,” Red Wraith said.

“Match Twenty-Eight: andthentheyran versus spacegravedoodles! PHIGHT!”

Andthentheyran started off with a strange song played on the piccolo.  Not the best choice, Danny thought, considering the track record of the previous phighters who’d used music as a weapon.  For once, he turned out to be correct.  Spacegravedoodles dabbed before throwing a chair.  Then realizing the chair missed and the piccolo music was still filtering through the arena, they just took the piccolo and threw that.  Last of all they threw Andthentheyran, who saluted the audience as she went flying.

“Thank you all!  It’s been fun!  Cheers!”  She called, her voice slowly fading into the distance of the ghost zone.

“Phighters have got to stop throwing each other,” Tali said, shaking her head.  “Walker’s really going to think something’s up at this point.”

“Hey,” Bug said, putting their hand over the mic, “do I have to say where they’re from for every round?”

Danny and Tucker shrugged.

Bug rubbed their temples. “You’re both useless.”

“I’ve literally saved the world,” Danny said.

“Useless.”

“Dude,” Danny said.

“Anyway,” Bug said, “round thirty-five.”

“It’s definitely more like round thirteen,” Tucker said.

Bug groaned. “Ok, Mr. Rules Lawyer, it’s round thirteen, with heyheyitsstillgay from Nightmare Valley, where all unicorns go to die, and spacegravedoodles from the carnivorous outskirts. Hey, can you be vegan and live there?”

Spacegravedoodles shouted up from the ring. “No, you cannot.”

“Huh. Bood. Anyway, binches, let’s get this show on the road.” Bug hit the gong. “Fight, nerds!”

Heyheyitsstillgay lugged their duffle bag into the center of the ring and pulled out a Danno. Danny groaned and turned bright red.

“Wait a sec,” Tucker said, turning to Danny. “Is that supposed to be you?”

Danny nodded, unable to speak, and Tucker dissolved into laughter.

Heyheyitsstillgay threw the Danno out at spacegravedoodles, who dabbed it away. “What else you got?” they said, dabbing again.

“Uh,” heyheyitsstillgay said. “Like. A lot, actually.” They flicked out their Dannos faster than the speed of sound.

“Impressive,” Danny said.

“Weird,” Tucker said.

Spacegravedoodles tried to dab them all out of the way, but was knocked off their feet. As they struggled to stand, the very last danno walloped them in the gut and they tumbled out of the ring.

Bug blew their whistle. “Spacegravedoodles had fallen. All hail heyheyitsstillgay!”