these kind of days happen sometimes. i feel like i’m on the absolute top of the world. i’m lucky to be alive and my life has so many ups and positives and everything’s going right. and then i hit a sudden drop. 

it’s like going in slow motion. one second i’m doing great and the next second there’s a pain in my chest and a weight on my shoulders and my breathing becomes labored and i suddenly watch the room spin while i’m just standing there, unable to move or speak. 

it was during the movie when it hit me, i guess. i was happy and smiling while watching my favorite movie with five of my favorite people and suddenly i felt in pain. it was torturous. like standing in the middle of a beach and watching a wave come crashing in with no warning and no chance of moving out of the way. 

everything in the moment came into perspective as i thought about what happened recently. the overwhelming weight of the world fell on me as thoughts about school and about my friends and the ideas of my parents all floated through my mind. and in the anxiety and the panic, i was able to excuse myself. to go to the bathroom, to get some water, to grab a blanket. i’m not sure what i told him, i’m not sure if he even heard me, but somehow i found myself wandering into his bedroom where i collapsed against his bed and shoved my head into my knees and let the sobs wipe over them. 

while it didn’t seem so bad at the time, looking at everything that’s happened recently only made my anxiety worse. i thought about the test grades i gotten recently and the thousands of dollars my parents spent on an education when i couldn’t even succeed in getting an A on every test. what would they think of me if they could see how i can’t be consistent? maybe they’ll call and they’ll have that disappointing tone where they’ll tell me i’m not doing as well as they expected and that they aren’t sure this is the right path.

and then what? i move back home and start working at a local restaurant or bar or maybe as a nanny. i give up my dream that’s out here in LA and go back to reality. my friends will be pissed. all those nights i turned down a shot to get some sleep or a party so i could study. all those nights i said no never would have paid off. in the end, i couldn’t even use those nights i turned them down to my advantage. if all i could get was a C+ or a B, then what was the point of turning them down? they all know that. they’ll all see that i’m not good enough. 

and Daniel. he’ll see me as nothing but a failure. he’ll recognize that someone like him isn’t meant for someone like me. i’m not the girl that he dreamed of and i’m not as perfect as i should’ve been. i can’t give him everything he wants and deserves. he’ll know that and i’ll lose one of the most important people in my life all because i couldn’t stay consistent for a few fucking tests. 

my breathing was heavier and heavier as i sobbed into my knees, unable to catch any oxygen in my mouth. through my closed eyes, a sliver of light is seen as i try my best to breath. 

in and out. in and out. in and out.

next to me the bed sinks and as much as i thought the presence of someone would hurt, i could feel myself let out some anxiety. maybe someone cared just enough to come see me. warmth surrounded my body as i let out an even louder and harder sob. 

as soon as i felt a body engulf me, i knew that it was daniel. he came from behind me and wrapped his arms warmly around my body, pulling me into his lap and holding me as if i were a piece of gold. i let out another sob and wrapped my arms around his neck.

“i-i-i---i’m,” i stutter out, “i’m --s-s-s-sorr--sorry i’m not enough.” 

he let out a sympathetic noise, trying to calm me down, “You are enough, y/n. You are my everything, love.”

I couldn’t take in his words in that moment. As much as I wanted to believe him, I couldn’t. I couldn’t believe that was what he thought of me. 

“Y/n, I know you’re hurting right now, and trust me darling, it hurts me to see you like this. I want to do whatever I can to stop the pain you’re feeling, i promise you. Y/n, you’re enough. You are smart and gorgeous and funny. You are kind,” He says and there’s a brief silence. 

“remember that time when we were in the backyard over the summer? We were all chilling by the pool and i was doing attempting to do a flip off of the diving board and i belly flopped? Everyone thought it was so funny, including myself, and we were all laughing, but even then before you even knew me too well, you were immediately at my side. You came to the ladder and you helped me out and you checked on me to make sure I was okay. That’s the girl I fell in love with, Y/n. The kind and caring girl who took safety before her own humor,” Daniel reminisced to one of the first times we’d met.

i let out a harder cry, this time in admiration for everything my boyfriend had just shared with me.

“or what about that time where it was almost midnight and everyone else was asleep after we’d finished the movie. You’d come up to my room and you were just gonna stay for the night because we were all absolutely exhausted. I remember that you were absolutely the funniest person in the world that night. And I remember thinking, oh it’s probably just the exhaustion that makes me think this is funny, but it wasn’t. Y/n, you have the craziest and weirdest sense of humor in the world. Your laugh is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. It’s so contagious and pretty and makes everyone who hears it smile and that’s the girl I fell in love with.  The hilarious girl who was lying on the floor laughing about a stupid cow joke that i’d told you.” 

“Daniel, I don’t deserve someone like you,” 

“Love, if there’s anything that I want you to trust me on, it’s this. You aren’t a disappointment and you aren’t less than anyone else. You are perfect the way you are. I see everything that you’re doing. You study your ass off and you get grades that any one of my friends would kill to have. You are one of the hardest working people I know,” 

“is that the girl you fell in love with?” I let out a sniffled laugh and daniel chuckles to himself.

I sat down at the table, ready to eat the delicious dinner that Daniel had prepared for us, it being my absolute favorite. I smiled at him as he tried to make sure everything was perfect. He looked absolutely adorable as he wore the apron my mother had gotten me so many years ago for christmas, and the red flowers matched him so perfectly.

Daniel and I had met four years ago. It was the middle of the summer that I was spending it at my grandmother’s house in california and I working at the local cafe. Daniel had walked in with his band mates and ordered something, a coffee. he was very flirty, but most people seemed to be when I was making them their breakfast. I’d brought it to his table and when he gave me my tip, he had written his number along with a sweet note. It was something along the lines of, i’m not usually one to do this, but i think that you’re really pretty and i’d like to get to know you better. if you want to take me up on this offer, my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I thought it was cute and humble, so i ended up texting him. It was a few weeks that were texting back and forth and we finally had made plans to meet up for some lunch. 

The two of us talked as friends for about a year, before he’d taken me out for a nice dinner and decided that he didn’t want to keep flirting and talking with me only to call me a friend. He asked me if I’d like to try and be with him romantically, and three years later, we live together with our little puppy. I was beyond lucky to have met him that day. And I think about that everyday. 

The dinner was absolutely delicious and talking to Daniel never grew old. We always seemed to have something to talk about and it was always a fun discussion. 

I cleared both of our plates, deciding to start on dishes while we chatted. He gave me a frown, “baby, you don’t have to do that. I can do that later,” 

“i don’t mind, dani,” i looked up at him with a smile, “you’ve done enough for me tonight,” 

Daniel came up behind me, placing his hands on my hips and leaning in with his face, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek, “take a break and come outside with me for a minute,” 

I turned back, looking at him weirdly, “it’s dark out there dani, and we never got those lights installed. what could we possibly do out there?” 

“just come on, please,” He had a slight smile on his face as I stared at him, contemplating it for a moment.

“ok, just for a minute though,” i dry my hands on the towel and let Daniel take mine into his own.

My boyfriend pulled me out of the house and into the dark backyard. He turned around, facing me as I looked at him, silence surrounding us. Daniel smirked and reached besides me, flicking on the switch on the wall. 

The yard of our house automatically lit up with lights, causing my hands to cover my mouth in shock. I looked around the yard, recognizing that he’d hung fairy lights all around. I turned back and looked at the side of the house, seeing that there were fairy lights surrounding a certain section of the wall that was covered in polaroids and notes.

I turned to face him with shock, “dani, what is this?” 

He had a smile permanently planted on his face as he pulled me over to the first little note on the wall. I read it over carefully, absolutely shocked to see what is was. As I read it, Daniel spoke, “the thing that started it all; after all these years, writing this note to you was the best decision i ever made,” 

I turned back and wrapped my arms around him, tears already forming behind my eyes although we were only on the first one. Daniel moved to the next picture. it was a piece of computer paper that had been framed. I looked at it and recognized that it was the first time I texted him. It was my awkward little hi:)) with a double chin smiley face. 

We moved to the next one, and the next one, the memories all coming back to me. There were polaroids of our first date, of getting Nico, our dog, of my first time seeing them in concert. Pictures of my graduation and pictures of awards that he’d won. I looked at receipts for dinners and dresses and I read a few notes that Daniel had left for me while he was on tour. 

A few tears of joy slipped down my face as I laughed at some of our stupider memories, like the polaroids of me making funny faces, and with time, we moved down the wall until it was the final picture. Daniel stood behind me, waiting for me to look at the finale. My eyes planted on it and carefully looked it over, waiting for something to click.

I looked at the image, seeing that it was a picture of our countertop with a little black box on top of it. Confused and shocked, I turned back to face my boyfriend and as i did so, I watched him drop to one knee.

A gasp of shock left my mouth and another tear slipped down as I covered my mouth. Daniel’s eyes were watering and he took a long and shaky breath, “There are a million things that I want to tell you, y/n. A million things that I love about you, A million things that remind me of you, A million memories that we’ve made, and a million memories that I can’t wait to make with you. And when I sat down to write this, this message to you, there were too many to write down and tell you. And to show you, y/n, how much you mean to me, how much i love you, I thought that I needed to not sit here and express it to you with words, but with some memories instead. Y/n, you mean everything in the world to me. With every cell in my body, I love you and I love everything about you, and every memory that we’ve made together. And there are a million, billion, and trillion more that I want to make with you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life,” 

Daniel reached behind him, pulling out the same black velvet box that was in the final image. I stared at him, tears pouring out of my eyes.

He opened the box, revealing a beautiful ring that made my heart stop and then flutter, “Y/F/N, will you please make me the happiest man alive and marry me?” 

My head shakes yes rapidly, automatically replying with motions rather than words, as it was too soon to trust my voice, “y-y-yes, daniel, yes” 

He slides the ring onto my finger carefully and then stands up, wrapping his arms around my body. I squeeze him tightly, absolutely in shock at what had just happened. Daniel lifted me off the ground and pressed his lips against mine, spinning around gently. 

As he set me down, I wiped away the tears from my eyes. I stared at him with absolute love. Everything about him was genuine and beautiful and I am absolutely proud to call him my fiance, and husband, in the future.