#daniel benioff

And the title already confuses me. Is it based on the climax of the upcoming book? Have we really covered enough material for that? Hell, why even use book titles as episode titles? And yes, I know they used A Dance With Dragons too and it made zero sense since the Dance With Dragons is a historical event in Westeros that wasn't mentioned in the episode.

Anyway. Let's not waste too much time on that. Instead, let's focus on the opening sequence, which I'm pretty sure is also the longest in the entire episode—which is saying something, seeing as the episode is longer than average.

It takes place in King's Landing, since that's where we have our biggest climax left. Every major player—Cersei, Tommen, Margaery and the High Sparrow—is getting ready for the double trial of Loras and Cersei. Crowds gather in the Sept of Baelor as an uncharacteristic piano plays.

It's not often that I talk about the technical stuff, but…yeah, I hate the uncharacteristic piano. Well, I don't hate it, I like piano and it's one of two instruments that has a 50% increased chance of making me like any piece of music. But it doesn't really fit with anything in the show so far. Someone pointed out to me that it may be an intentional decision to make the scene sound offbeat and foreshadow what's going to happen, which…admittedly would be kind of brilliant, and I was almost willing to let go of this criticism.

But then I realized it starts way too early for that to really work. Frankly, the editing of the entire sequence doesn't work for me. Let me recap what we get after the crowds enter the Sept of Baelor (and I might even end up skipping a few quicker scenes there)

Loras in his cell

Tommen angsts in his room

Grand Maester Pycelle with a random naked girl and refusing to pay her, with a random kid coming in to tell him…something

Loras again, brought to the Sept himself, confessing to his crimes before the trial even starts, but because Margaery and the High Septon have a deal, he won't be executed and instead just join the Faith Militant and renounce his status and titles (complete with scarring his forehead on the spot)

Cersei refusing to leave her room

Tommen ready to leave but blocked by Gregor Clegane

Margaery complaining about Loras's scarring, the High Septon sassing her back because their deal apparently involved making sure Cersei showed up

Cersei going to her balcony

Lancel being sent from the Sept of Baelor to fetch Cersei and being distracted by a kid running off, which is suspicious for some reason? So Lancel forgets his important mission and goes to follow the child instead

Pycelle still following the child to Qyburn, who has him assassinated by the little birds (or, as I like to call them, Spy Kids) in a scene which I'm pretty sure is ripped off from the A Dance With Dragons epilogue (except that scene was with Varys and Kevan Lannister)

Lancel gets backstabbed by the kid he was following.

Everyone at the trial is waiting for Cersei to show up in vain, and Margaery realizes something is wrong because neither Cersei nor Tommen are here, prompting her to say everyone should leave.

Lancel realizes he's surrounded by massive reserves of wildfire, with a candle ready to set it all on fire, tries to crawl towards it, too slowly

Margaery basically organizes an evacuation, except the High Sparrow blocks everyone from leaving, because…he can do that now?

And finally, the fire starts (including Bran's vision from episode one of this season), and the entire Sept of Baelor explodes.

The sequence is pretty solid, mind you. My issue with it, however, is that the suspense sort of fails. We can already see the wildfire as soon as Lancel gets down there and is stabbed by the random child, meaning we know about the bomb before anyone else does. Worse, that eerie, uncharacteristic piano is basically making us upset on purpose before we know something's up at all.

Yeah, yeah, I know, Hitchcock says this is how you do suspense, and Hitchcock is probably a bigger authority on the subject than I am. But I still respectfully disagree with that—at least in this scene. Showing the audience the source of tension is not a source of suspense if no one in-universe knows what's coming. It's a source of frustration. You want someone to do something about it, but nobody does because nobody can do it.

It's a criticism I brought up more than once on this blog in a different context—that of point of view switches. By giving the audience more information than the characters have, it makes it tedious when we watch the characters slowly catch up with what we already know. And the thing is, this scene wouldn't even have been tedious, because Margaery Tyrell, living up to the cunning that characterizes her, figured out Cersei's plan pretty fast.

All it would have taken is slightly different editing. Don't show Tommen being stuck in his room. Show Lancel finding the bomb just as Margaery figures out that something's up, and start playing the piano as Margaery looks at the Sept of Baelor and realizes something is indeed up. Let the audience figure it out along with the characters, and suddenly their utter panic becomes relatable—and when the High Sparrow blocks them inside, the frustration we feel are the characters', not our own because "oh my god how stupid is this shit".

But no, instead, to quote Lindsay Ellis's Phantom of the Opera review…again…"we need to keep panning to the bomb…cutting to the bomb…more shots of the danger element equals more suspense". Bonus points because here it's a literal bomb. But showing us the bomb doesn't build tension because…the scene can't become tense until someone in the scene realizes that there is reason to be tense.

Of course, in the end this is only my opinion on the matter. But hey, that's the point of reviewing, isn't it.

Also…how stupid is this shit. The High Septon refuses to let people leave because…? It's not like any of them is on trial, or them leaving would do anything. Is he secretly in cahoots with Cersei (and suicidal)? Because that's the only way this decision makes any sense when Margaery has plainly put in front of him all the very valid reasons why they should in fact live. I mean, sure, a wildfire bomb was a little unpredictable, but it's not like there weren't other ways for Cersei to kill everyone in the building.

And then there's the fact that, once again, the show just…does not understand character death. First there's Pycelle, which…what? Why even include his death here? It relates to the rest of the sequence in absolutely zero way. It's not like he knew about the wildfire reserves (or at least, no more than anyone else who was around for the Battle of Blackwater), or like he was stumbling onto them like Lancel did. What gives?

Then there's…well, everyone in the sept. Remember how, the last time we even saw Margaery, she was plotting with Loras to help him survive his imprisonment, and then she sent her grandma Olenna away with a secret message to show her that her new religious attitude was a front? All that character buildup? Yeah, fuck that, because she's dead now.

Loras himself? Well, in his case, he didn't really have any character left, but damn does it hurt to see our one token queer character (well…I guess not since Yara, but still, it's only two in a cast of hundreds) have a two-season spanning subplot about 1) being targeted for his sexuality, 2) being imprisoned for it, 3) being tortured for it, 4) having his sister be imprisoned partly because she covered for him, 5) have his torture end with him renouncing everything he has and joining his torturers and 6) dying. Okay, at least his death wasn't targeted, but…damn. As I said earlier this season, Loras's fate in the books is still unclear as of now but at least his life is hanging in the balance because he was wounded in combat. If he dies from it, well, fine. Renly died because he was trying to be king, not because he was fucking a man. Show!Loras…is definitely targeted.

And don't give me the "so what?" argument. Do I really need to explain, in June of 2016, why normalizing violence against queer people is an issue? Do I really?

Speaking of Yara: I wonder how much the show's tongue-in-cheek acceptance of her queerness (her gleefully sleeping with prostitutes like one of the guys, then flirting with Dany) is acceptance and how much is fetishization of lesbians by a straight male gaze. Yes, the show has pushed boundaries in terms of showing gay male sexuality too, but…well, between Loras's fate here and how Oberyn's sexuality was part of what made him "deviant", it's a little bit suspicious. Of course, not being a lesbian, I guess my word is only worth so much on this issue.

As for everyone else in the Sept…eh. I couldn't care less. Hell, if it weren't for Margaery's aborted character arc and Loras's…everything I just said…I'd probably be cheering for the High Septon finally biting the dust—as a result of his own pride, no less! But no. I mean, it'd still feel a lot like the show is just desperate for new ways of finding shock value in character deaths, but at least it'd be fun to watch.

But yeah, it's shock value. Compare and contrast with the actual well-written big, dramatic events of the show: Ned's execution and the Red Wedding? Hell, even the "Purple" Wedding (where did that name come from, exactly?) counts. Every time, it's characters meeting their end as a satisfying, if unforeseen, conclusion of their character arc as their fatal flaws drive them to meet their doom. Ned Stark's honor makes him give Cersei a head start before he comes after her and her children and he pays for it. Robb Stark's honor makes him marry the girl he slept with, and as a result the family he had promised to marry into has him killed (yes, for now let's ignore the stupidity of replacing Jeyne Westerling with a marriage of passion, I said well-written). Joffrey Baratheon flaunted his abuse and thought he could get away with it, and the Tyrell family decided to cover their asses by having him killed before he could target their daughter.

So…yes, the High Septon's death works. Margaery and Loras—or hell, Mace Tyrell, or Lancel, or everyone else in the Sept? Not so much. And I know, other people died at the Red Wedding beside Robb, but they were people who chose to follow him in spite of things going south. They were as targeted as he was. Here, they're basically collateral damage. There's nothing satisfying about major characters dying as collateral damage.

Oh, but the sequence isn't over yet. After everything blows up, Cersei looks smug from balcony, and Tommen is shocked from his. A cute parallel…until Cersei goes to her dungeon(?) to reveal that she had Septa Unella imprisoned there. You know, the one who tortured her and followed her during her walk of shame? Well, it's payback time! Again, this should probably fill me with glee, but I can't, because…really, this is what you follow up on?

Well, not quite, there's also…Tommen jumping out of his window, to his death. I'm not saying "presumably" because it's confirmed later on. Because how else are you going to top the clusterfuck of unsatisfying death that is blowing up the Sept of Baelor, than with…another unsatisfying death?

Don't get me wrong: Tommen was definitely on the shit list since he'd decided to ally with the reformed and bigoted church. But…really? At least if Cersei had forced him into agreeing to this somehow, I could understand the guilt driving him to suicide, but here…what is it?

Well, anyway, he's dead, I guess.

There's two more things I have to talk about. One: this isn't really surprising. People have been speculating about this…basically since the start of the season, pointing out that Bran seeing the wildfire explode could only make sense if it was a vision of the future, and that showing us Aerys in that sequence could only be a red herring since Mad King Aerys never did burn King's Landing. Also, Cersei and Jaime talked about burning cities to the ground basically once an episode this season. No, really. Look it up, I've seen the gifsets.

Two: this is a complete 180 for show!Cersei. She's been consistently more sympathetic as book!Cersei. So now…mass murder? Really? I guess killing just the High Septon would have been counterproductive because the bigotry was so deeply rooted, but surely there was a way to not kill half of the court along with them?

I mean, I could see book!Cersei doing this, but show!Cersei…not really. Sorry. You can't just go back to book characterization when it pleases you. You made those changes. Deal with it.

But at least it’s time to finally move on to another scene…and this post is already 2000 words long. Unfortunately, this beginning sequence is also the most interesting one—which makes me wonder why they started the episode with it, instead of ending with it.

First is Riverrun, with the Freys and Lannisters celebrating their victory. Jaime is the only grumpy one, because he's suddenly back to his character development after forgetting about it for a while last time. But who cares, there's banter with Bronn and more bromance between the two, and a servant girl the show lingers on for suspiciously long, so you can expect her to be relevant later.

But first, let's have Walder Frey try to relate to Jaime because they're both kingslayers, with Jaime insisting they're pretty different, if only because Frey never fights his own battles. Also, he points out that if the Lannisters have to come save his ass all the time, Frey shouldn't be so smug about holding the Riverlands.

"Why do we need you?"

Spoilers: this isn't going to amount to anything either, because apparently this is the episode of "what is buildup and payoff?"

After a brief moment back at King's Landing with Cersei asking to burn Tommen's corpse, we head to Oldtown, with Sam, Gilly and her baby. The scenery is cool, but…again, you opened the episode with mass murder. Are we really supposed to care?

Well, apparently so, because this sequence actually features more of that. Specifically, they head to the Maesters' Citadel, a clerk is being a douche for a moment because they weren't notified of Jon's election as Lord Commander (because…they totally have the kind of reliable communication to expect reliable updates, apparently?), but then he accepts Sam into the Citadel's library, and we get another awe-inspiring shot as we show how massive the place is. Are you really expecting to elicit wonder after mass-murder? At least the Red Wedding episode ended with the Red Wedding.

Oh, also, Gilly and baby Sam aren't accepted into the Citadel, which…we already knew they wouldn't, but it's treated as a shock anyway, because reasons.

Moving on, time to check on Winterfell, where the show remembers that Davos found Shireen's corpse last episode. Yeah, he never brought it up during the battle, it was pretty weird to chain events this way, but…oh well.

Point is: he's figured out that Melisandre had had Shireen ritually killed, and he asks Jon to execute her on the spot for it. She doesn't deny it, and while she points out that her parents were complicit, her defense is overall pretty weak.

"I didn't lie. I was wrong." […] "How many died because you were wrong?"

Yeah.

Melisandre argues to Jon that he shouldn't have her executed, because she still has a purpose in the fight against the White Walkers. So Jon…exiles her to the South, telling her he'll have her killed if she ever comes back north. Because…that makes all the sense or something.

Cut to Jon meeting Sansa somewhere else, with Jon telling her she can get to use the Lord's room, being the rightful heir. Sansa argues that she sees him as a Stark too, but even then, as Jon points out, she's the one who won Winterfell. Take note of that for later.

For now, Sansa apologizes for not sharing the information regarding Littlefinger, but Jon forgives her, although he points out they need to trust each other, seeing as they are surrounded by enemies.

Oh, also, the Citadel sent out white ravens to officially announce winter. I'm pretty sure this should have happened forever ago, but…sure, whatever. Let's have a one-liner out of it.

"Well, father always promised, didn't he?"

After this nothing, we get to Dorne! Yes, finally. Only took the entire season to get to it. Turns out, Olenna Tyrell went here for some reason. And by "some reason", I mean the news of Cersei's bombing already reached them, and Ellaria and the Sand Snakes want to ally themselves with Olenna against the Lannisters.

"You murder your own prince, but you expect me to trust you?"

Um, Olenna…so did you. Joffrey was your prince, last I checked.

Anyway, it's not just Ellaria offering an alliance: Varys is here too, offering Olenna revenge, justice, and "fire and blood". After all, he's working for Daenerys now.

Speaking of which, cut to Daenerys in Meereen as she breaks up with Daario. Because politics.

"I can't bring a lover to Westeros."

Well…yeah. Even if she doesn't marry, she still has to be available at least. It's sexist, sure, but it's smarter to play the game than to refuse to play altogether, I guess. Besides, Dany does need someone to stay in Meereen to watch over Slavers' Bay. Which is now renamed the Bay of Dragons. Sure, why not. So she tells Daario to do that with the Second Sons.

Daario argues for a while, but he takes it surprisingly well in the end, if a bit self-deprecatingly. So that's done.

Next she talks to Tyrion, who was the one who advised her to do this. He tries to console her, fails, and then Dany names him Hand of the Queen, because I guess getting your city invaded by a bunch of people after negotiating a shitty peace deal with them counts as good ruling? Eh, we couldn't go more than one episode without Tyrion Sue.

Back to Walder Frey, alone in his dining hall with the obviously significant servant from earlier. He sexually harasses her, then asks where his sons are. Surprise: they're in the pie she's serving him. Because…Titus Andronicus or something.

Turns out the serving girl was Arya, who can change her face like a Faceless Man…somehow? Sure, whatever. It's badass, at least, so I'll take it.

On the less badass side, there's Sansa. Oh, not her individually, she's always been pretty badass in my book. But the show doesn't think she deserves good things, so…how about Peter Baelish sexually harassing her and telling her about his biggest dream.

"A picture of me, on the iron throne, with you by my side."

He could at least offer her to rule, if he wants her to be tempted so much, but no. At least Sansa rejects him and calls him out on his loyalty having absolutely no value.

Anyway, time to wrap up another subplot, with Benjen, Bran and Meera reaching the Wall. Ben can't go through, since the Wall's magic guards against White Walkers and he's technically like them, so he leaves them here, placing Bran against a weirwood tree before he leaves. It's vision time!

The vision is exactly what you think: Ned Stark coming to rescue Lyanna, the end of the story, where we see that Ned found her dying after giving birth to baby Jon Snow. Yeah, big shock, she's actually his mother, and Ned isn't his dad. No one saw that coming.

Well, actually, the show doesn't outright confirm that the baby is Jon, it just cuts from the baby to Jon, which is a visual shorthand. Also, I'm pretty disappointed that the show doesn't reveal Jon's father, but…I guess they're leaving some time for the people who haven't heard of R+L=J to get used to the idea that Jon isn't in fact Ned Stark's bastard so they can start speculating about who the dad is. Even though, let's face it, I'd be really surprised if it's not Rhaegar at this point.

As I mention, we cut back to Jon, in the great hall of Winterfell. There's some dissent between the Vale men, the Northmen, and the wildlings, which is solved when Lyanna Mormont calls out the Nothern lords who refused Jon's call, reminding them her oath that "they only recognize one King in the North and his name is Stark". Cue…a repeat from season one.

"Jon Snow avenged the Red Wedding. He is the White Wolf! The King in the North!"

Fuck Sansa, I guess. Actually, fuck Sansa and Arya, since Arya now killed Walder Frey on top of Sansa beating the Boltons. But no, let's make Jon king! That makes total sense!

And speaking of coronation, we get one last scene in King's Landing where Cersei takes over as Queen of Westeros. The whole scene has major "evil queen" vibes, with the dark colors and large military presence, and…well, it's not like show!Cersei hasn't earned it with the whole mass murder thing, but this is really chucking all nuance out the window, so I hate it. Especially since, again, show!Cersei was the more sympathetic one.

I would also be remiss to mention that Jaime came back to the capital, and is not looking happy at this development. I say this because, remember, Cersei's prophecy says that a "little brother" would kill her, and Jaime is technically the younger twin. You know. Just saying.

Anyway, since we get an evil queen, I guess we also get a good queen to balance it out. So to end the season, we see Daenerys's fleet leaving Meereen and sailing off to Westeros.

And Varys…is by her side again. I'm mentioning it because a lot of people (myself included) have joked about Varys's teleportation powers, so much so that the showrunners had to come out and explain that it was just a time skip, even though that was pretty obvious and I don't think anyone really thought he teleported. But it's interesting because…it shows a major pacing issue in the show, especially in this season. As I mentioned during the early episode, we basically had the Wall plotline spend several episodes over the course of a single day, while other events clearly ran at a faster pace. And that's just poor writing, especially when there are obvious ways you could have avoided the issue by rearranging scenes around. I mean, look at the previous episode: ten minutes of battle porn that are basically padding, but we only developed two plot lines. If we'd had more plot lines and less gorefest, the whole season would likely have flowed more naturally.

Anyway, this is the end of Game of Thrones, Season Six. And…overall, it was pretty weak, even if it did grow stronger by the end.

Yes, women are getting put in position of power, but so long as it keeps having things like Pycelle's random prostitute, the show will be unable to shake off the impression that that's how it considers women as a whole. Also, you know, Cersei is vilified just as she ascends to the place where she pretty much belonged the whole time, Sansa is robbed of her credit and rightful place, Margaery is killed off in spite of obvious setup to develop her character…so I can't really look at the finale (or the season) as a whole and think "yes, this was positive for women".

Another interesting element this season is that, in some ways, it looked like they were trying to go back to sticking to the books. Especially with things like the siege of Riverrun and the Kingsmeet returning after the show had made changes with these plotlines. But then…it departed from the books again, since Jaime and Brienne obviously didn't meet Lady Stoneheart as I'd hoped, and Theon left with his sister on a quest to find Dany, when Asha Greyjoy (Yara's book counterpart) was long gone by the time Theon escaped Winterfell.

So…y'know, I don't know what to make of that now. Will The Winds of Winter the book resemble this in any way? Who knows. But I sure hope not. I also doubt it will, if only because, even if the concepts are the same, the execution of this season is decidedly not GRRM's style—or even the early seasons' style.

Arya's plotline

The episode, as the title probably implies, opens and closes with Arya. She was just stabbed by The Waif, survived against all odds. Where to now?

Well, time to bring back the actress Lady Crane that Arya refused to kill! They had such a great bonding time, with their…one conversation. I guess Lady Crane is just a nice person, because she finds Arya backstage (after we see that she did make the changes to her role that Arya encouraged her to and everyone liked them) and immediately agrees to help her, stab wounds notwithstanding.

So Crane patches up Arya, telling her some sad backstory about her former abusive boyfriends whom she used to lash out against and then tend back to health because…I don't know, that's how the show believes abuse works, I guess?

She also offers Arya a place in their troop, because she…took care of the actress playing Sansa (the one who wanted her dead) by scarring her face permanently in some nondescript way. Arya, however, refuses, claiming she wants to explore what's west of Westeros.

This moment of quiet does not last, of course, and with the episode's climax, the Waif arrives. It's not clear if she got there to finish the job or because she found Arya's track again, but she kills Lady Crane, then gives Arya chase. Arya ends up cornered inside a building, and cuts off the one candle inside, because…as we saw before, she can beat the Waif while blind, but not while she can see. Don't ask. Does that mean Arya's next step is…

Well, first she comes to the House of Black and White, where Jaqen finds the Waif's face in the Hall of Faces. He seems pretty proud of Arya for this, and claims this proves she really is no one now, because…people who reject all identity prove that they have by having an instinct of self-preservation?

Eh, don't hurt your brain trying to figure out the logic. What matters is: Arya refuses.

"A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell, and I'm going home."

Kickass. But also Jaqen is apparently happy to let her go now? Eh, who needs to have consistency in your characterization, am I right?

Sandor's plotline

We open this with a bunch of dudebros being generally obnoxious, and either very gay or very homophobic as they prank one of them into practicing kisses. I'm not even sure what to say about this, and considering they're just here for Sandor to find, identify as members of the Brotherhood Without Banners, then die, I don't care.

Next he finds Beric Dondarrion himself, leader of the Brotherhood (which…actually makes me feel a lot less optimistic about the prospect of us getting Lady Stoneheart, all of a sudden). He's already caught the Brotherhood members who raided Meribald's sept, and is about to execute them, since they sullied the Brotherhood's name.

Sandor argues for a while to get to kill them himself, because that's totally important or something. We then cut to Sandor eating with the Brotherhood, and dropping the chicken meme from…early season 4, if memory serves. The one I opened the post with.

Dondarrion offers Sandor to recruit, and hints that, since they're also heavily influenced by a Red Priest, they're eventually heading north to fight the White Walkers. This…goes nowhere.

Tyrion's plotline

In Meereen, thinks are looking up…maybe? If by "looking up" you mean "Dany's back to being popular but it's all thanks to an alliance with fanatics". So Tyrion's happy, Varys isn't. But also, I guess Varys remembered he has to be in Westeros and kill Kevan soon, because he's leaving Meereen to "find allies and ships" for Daenerys. Who knows, maybe we'll get the Griffs in the process! In the meantime, at least I don't have to suffer more Tyrion bromance.

…No, joke's on you, now he tries to make Grey Worm and Missandei into his bros, including forcing them to drink because he's that asshole. So they drink, tell unfunny jokes (well…actually Tyrion tells unfunny jokes, I thought Missandei and Grey Worm's were kind of funny), and just when you wonder if this is what the show considers character development, it throws an invasion at us.

Yup, it's the Masters' fleet. Turns out, making a pact with them to have peace was a stupid plan when they are three cities against you alone. Tyrion is called out on this, Grey Worm takes charge of the city's defense since he is a soldier and military leader, and Tyrion…isn’t.

But before he can really do anything useful, Daenerys finally returns on Drogon's back, just in time for a dramatic entrance and…basically nothing else.

Cersei's plotline

In King's Landing, the Faith of the Seven is making some more moves to create their absolute monarchy by divine right/totally a theocracy in practice! And I'm glad I found a new complaint about this subplot, because it was getting pretty stale.

See, aside from the real-life politics parallels, there's another issue with the Faith and specifically how it's framed as the worst. Because…the show seems to have forgotten that the Faith, or at least the Faith Militant and the High Sparrow, are bad because it's a bunch of bigots (or fanatics, as Varys called the Red Priests). Instead, it seems to be that Cersei is our designated protagonist, and the Faith is bad for moving against them. Which is totally more compelling!

Speaking of moving against Cersei, the Faith Militant sent soldiers to force Cersei to come back in their custody rather than stay at the Red Keep. Cersei refuses in the face of threats.

"I choose violence."

I mean, I don't know what anyone expected when she has a literal zombie as her bodyguard. So Gregor kills a nameless soldiers, the others back away. Yay?

Well, of course not. Instead, Tommen, after repeating the Sparrow's rhetorics some more, announces the date of Cersei and Loras's trial, and adds that trial by combat is now forbidden. Which…yeah, is a bad custom. But also, am I really supposed to believe a court of setpons is a better alternative? Because guess what: I don't.

Qyburn also tell Cersei about a "rumor" he's investigated, which seems to be true. But that's all we get on that subject.

Riverrun's plotline

Brienne and Pod finally reach Riverrun, just as Jaime's organized the siege. Which is good, since they're on fairly good terms with Jaime. But before we get…you know, important stuff, we have to suffer Bronn teaching Pod about dirty fighting. Because this show was clearly lacking on bromance.

Meanwhile, Brienne and Jaime argue about the siege (basically, "it's the ancestral Tully home" vs "wars change that sort of thing, it's the whole point; also loyalty to the Lannisters"). Jaime does concede to Brienne that he'll grant safe passage to any Tully soldier who does leave Riverrun to go fight with Sansa, although he points out Sansa will be pursued by Cersei eventually since she's a suspect in Joffrey's murder. Kind of surprised the show remembers.

Before she leaves, Brienne reminds Jaime that she'll be compelled by honor to fight for the Tullys if she can't convince the Blackfish to surrender Riverrun. I'm only mentioning it because…well, you can probably guess.

So while Brienne inevitably fails to convince Brynden Tully to surrender, Jaime hatches a plan: he goes talk to Edmure Tully, tries to befriend him, then goes all "look, I'm just trying to be nice" and threatens Edmure's son if Edmure doesn't comply to his plan. It feels completely antithetical to Jaime's character development, but then again, that is nothing new in the show. He even confesses to loving Cersei, and reprises his iconic "the things we do for love" from way back in the very first episode of the show as a whole. I guess Jaime's forgotten he wasn't the evil/darker twin.

So Edmure does comply, demanding entrance into Riverrun, which his soldiers grand him (rebelling against Brynden in the process) just so Edmure can surrender the castle himself. Because…Good Is Dumb, I guess?

Oh well. Brienne, "compelled by honor" to fight against Jaime, suddenly decides to run either and/or is convinced to do so by the Blackfish, who refuses to come along because…I don't fucking know, but he goes back into the fighting, and we cut to Jaime being informed that he died in battle. He also waves to Brienne's ship as she sails away with Pod. Yay, that was a lot of progress here.

So…yeah, I hope my introduction makes sense. Yes, things did happen, but aside from Arya's plotline, everything else is just way too little at way too slow a pace. The Meereen plot at least promises climax—and even then, the next episode’s title doesn’t seem to imply that it’ll be the focus of it.

Sandor's plotline

…If you can call it that. It’s mostly bringing him back.

Yup, remember Sandor Clegane? The Hound? The knight who had been badly burned by his brother (the one who's now a zombie), had shown Sansa some kindness which bordered on rapey at times, and eventually fucked off from King's Landing and found himself with Arya Stark in custody for a while, only to be left for dead after (in the show) a duel with Brienne of Tarth?

Well, if you know anything about…any kind of media, leaving people for dead never works, so he's still alive. This was admittedly also in the book—except back then Brienne was the one who introduced us to him post-rescue, but…eh, who cares. Specifically, he's been rescued by a reformed soldier turned septon named Meribald, who preaches complete and utter pacifism and doesn't seem particularly devoted to one specific god/set of gods and instead to be more generally theist.

But first we get many an idyllic scene of Sandor working with his community in…somewhere in the Riverlands. In the books he operated from a monastery on Quiet Isle, but this doesn't seem to be an island (especially not a river island) and there's no monastery around, although they do seem to be building one. Meribald also gives Sandor a few speeches, about how Sandor totally has a purpose because why else would the gods have saved him, and how violence is a disease, so Meribald refuses to spread it no matter what.

His philosophy is basically pretty refreshing, which means that if you know anything about the show, he's doomed. And indeed, while Meribald is talking to his flock about his time as a soldier and his PTSD from it, men from the Brotherhood Without Banners show up to fuck his shit up. Well, okay, there's only three of them right now, so they only make threats, but you know that's not the end of it.

Cut to Sandor alone in the woods cutting trees, hearing screams, and…yup, the Brotherhood's come back in force and slaughtered everyone. They even hanged Meribald, because symbolism or something. And because the show doesn't know how not to fuck up a perfect setup for character growth, Sandor immediately takes up his axe in an obvious path to revenge. Because pacifism is pointless, you guys. Or something. I'm not sure the show is really trying to send a message so much as be a concentrate of aimless cynicism.

For the record: Meribald in the books is explicitly stated to have been left alone by the Brotherhood, because the Brotherhood target specifically rich lords. They're not unproblematic or anything, but targeting a poor and quiet community is definitely against their MO.

But more on the Brotherhood in a bit. Because there is more to say about it. Indirectly.

King's Landing plotline

We open this plotline with…you guessed it, another of the High Sparrow's sermons/conversations. Preachversations? I don't know, I'm not good at neologisms.

This time it's with Margaery, who, as you recall, is now totally repentant for her time being fake about caring for the poor. But now she's devoted, able to recite holy texts by heart and willing to make amends. That's not enough for the High Sparrow, though, who reveals that Tommen told him he and Margaery hadn't been sleeping together since her release. She tries to get out of it by claiming her libido is down, and the High Sparrow's advice is…that a woman doesn't need to want sex for it to happen, and it's her duty. Because fuck you, that's why.

I'm almost ready to cry in frustration when we cut to Margaery paying her grandmother Olenna a visit. See, the High Sparrow made veiled threats against Olenna, since she's the real head of House Tyrell and she did basically stage a coup against the High Sparrow. He got rid of Jaime, so she's clearly in danger as well. Margaery can't visit her without Septa Unella as chaperone, though, so she instead plays the repentant "just go home and work an honest life to atone for your sins, grandma" act, while also slipping a note to her with the Tyrell rose on it. Which…I guess is Margaery telling her it's all an act? I sure as hell hope so.

Cersei is not particularly pleased that Olenna is leaving, since she was counting on her will to get Loras out of the Sept of Baelor to make an alliance against the Faith Militant. Olenna is unamused by Cersei, and gives her quite the majestic read that reminds everyone why she's nicknamed the Queen of Thorns, pointing out that Cersei has no allies left and is basically fucked. Besides, Cersei was the one responsible for putting Margaery and Loras in the Faith's custody in the first place, so…y'know.

Theon and Yara's plotline

Well, this one is more of a throwaway scene, which is why I'm putting it here even though it comes later in the episode.

Theon and Yara have made land in…some city that isn't mentioned to us, because who needs locations? Point is, they're at a brothel, because this season had been lacking in naked boobs so far and it was high time to show the audience some, I guess.

Theon is still traumatized over everything Ramsay did to him—which I guess he's reminded of now, what with the whole "being a eunuch in a brothel" thing—while Yara just…expects him to just get over it and go back to being "the real him". Because that's totally how trauma works, just drink an ale and you'll be fine!

It works, too, so Theon and Yara make plans to go seek out an alliance with Daenerys themselves and beat Euron to it. And it might sound like a foolish notion, but…well, maybe Dany could be sympathetic to the whole "rightful heir robbed of their place" thing. Or not. You never know, with this show.

Also, a nice touch in this scene: Yara's apparently more than happy sleeping with a woman. I don't remember if her book counterpart Asha Greyjoy was established as bi (I do remember her sleeping with her men liberally, though), but I will never complain about this kind of change.

Jon and Sansa's plotline

Last we checked on them, they were about to march on Winterfell. Well, gather an army then march on Winterfell. But that first part turns out to be rather complicated.

For one thing, the wildlings suddenly remember that they don't really follow anyone just because. Better late than never, I guess? They're easily swayed, though, when Jon points out they won't survive both the White Walkers and the Boltons if they don't unite against one then the other. Also, Tormund speaks for Jon, pointing out he literally died for the wildlings' cause, which…is supposed to make them like him? Eh, whatever.

Rinse and repeat of that when they're at Bear Island, with the ten-year-old Lady Lyanna Mormont being hesitant to help him, even after she's reminded she still claimed she was loyal to House Stark recently, when Stannis asked for her support. In the end, it's Davos who connects to her because…they both feel like they're shouldering way more responsibilities than they should. Sure. He also praises Jon (and not Sansa, because sexism) and points out the White Walkers are coming, which Lyanna apparently believes with little difficulty.

Unfortunately, she also only has 62 men at her command. Not exactly a major help. Still, Lyanna is probably the most enjoyable character in the entire episode.

So, from Jon's inner circle, Tormund and Davos got to help him get someone on his side. That leaves Sansa, right? Cue them being with Lord Glover of Deepwood Motte, who refuses to turn on the Boltons after they helped him regain his home from the Ironborn. Sansa reminds him his oath to House Stark…and it fails. Yup. Of course, out of three attempts in the episode, two succeed thanks to men and one fails because of a woman's intervention.

"I served House Stark once, but House Stark is dead."

So…Sansa doesn't count? And Rickon, whom you know is being held by Ramsay, doesn't count either? Even if you don't know Arya and Bran are alive—because not many people do—and don't acknowledge Jon because he's a bastard, it's still two very valid heirs right there.

But…eh, sexism, I guess. Sansa was doomed from the start.

Cut to Jon's meager forces making camp, and Davos marking his approval for the location because Stannis chose the same one on his way to Winterfell. Sansa points out to Jon—in private—that maybe Davos isn't the best advisor, since Stannis didn't do a whole lot of winning throughout the entire story, while Jon 1) ignores her, 2) berates her for saying this and 3) claims they should march on Winterfell right now even though they're outnumbered. And…what, I guess he's forgotten that Sansa had sent for help from the Tullys?

Speaking of which, Sansa sends a letter. We don't know to whom or about what, but she does. Is it to Brienne? To Littlefinger, who's probably still around somewhere? Who knows! But let's be real, it's probably the latter and I'll probably cringe when we get to it.

Arya's plotline

Well…again, it's just a couple of scenes. Arya finds sailors and pays for passage to Westeros at dawn, since she wants to get away from Braavos and the Faceless Men as fast as possible. As if it was possible to get away from the Faceless Men.

And indeed, The Waif catches up with her right as she leaves, and stabs Arya repeatedly. Arya manages to escape by jumping into the canal, with the classic "killer looks at the water and sees nothing, then walks away just as their intended victim breaks the surface" shot. Yeah, how surprising, Arya survives.

For now, anyway. She's still bleeding heavily, which apparently doesn't shock the Braavosi. I guess more of that in the same episode.

Jaime's plotline

Jaime arrives with the Lannister army, and Bronn. Or as I like to call him, BROnn, because the show made him such a bro in all the worst ways. Jaime even offers him to be his right-hand man, and Bronn's hesitant, but it seems he's taking the job anyway.

The reach Riverrun, which the Freys are doing a shitty job of besieging, down to not noticing the eight thousand men approaching from behind. They also threaten to execute Edmure Tully if his uncle doesn't surrender the castle, but they're not actually going to do it, and as Jaime points out, you should never make a threat you won't carry out.

So Jaime takes over command of the place, since the Freys suck major ass, and asks Brynden Tully—the Blackfish—to parley. Said parley is basically Brynden going "you can't breach our walls, and we can hold Riverrun for two years, which you can't afford to lose here since the Lannister rule is so unstable". Basically he only agreed to this because he was bored. As for why he doesn't give up, considering the war is over…

"As long as i'm standing, the war is not over."

I don't know if that's really proactive, but it's really fucking badass.

More importantly, this scene is also from the books, and that's why it's important to me. Because…it's looking like the show is backtracking on its decision to forego several plotlines from A Feast For Crow (first the Kingsmeet, now this). And in this case, with Sandor facing the Brotherhood Without Banners, both the Freys and the Blackfish bringing up Catelyn Stark, Jaime at the siege of Riverrun and Brienne coming this way as well, it's looking like we might get to the next plot point in both Jaime and Brienne's story from the books. Namely, them meeting Lady Stoneheart. Someone I—and many others—was really hoping to see in the show, and was really disappointed to hear season five wouldn't do.

So, we open the episode where we ended the last one, with Meera dragging Bran through the snow while he's still having visions. It's a whole lot of scenes we've already seen, but there are a few things we haven't seen yet, like Mad King Aerys asking to burn everyone who's rising against him and the ensuing wildfire explosions.

They're soon caught up with by the Night King's wights, and Bran wakes up just in time to warn Meera so they can…die together or something. Of course, if you have two working brain cells, you know no one would let characters live through the previous episode's ending only to kill them now, so…they're saved.

Specifically, they're saved by a masked rider with a flaming flail, who rides away with Meera and Bran on his horse. Because horses can totally withstand that.

Cut to them making camp, with their new savior revealing he was summoned by the three-eyed raven, and revealing that he's Benjen Stark, who has been turned into a…White Walker-lite, I guess, by the Children of the Forest. Basically, the White Walker killed him and tried to bring him back as a wight, and the Children stopped that using the same process that made the White Walkers in the first place, but Benjen retained his identity because…reasons?

Benjen tells Bran he has to control his powers as the new Three-Eyed Raven before the Night King comes, and seems pretty confident that Bran can in fact do it. Sure, whatever you say.

We're then back with Sam and Gilly reaching Horn Hill, the Tarly household. Sam's nervous about coming back home, considering his dad chased him away and threatened to kill him. And yet he's convinced that Gilly will be safe if his parents think she's the mother of his child, even though he knows that his father Lord Randyll hates wildlings. Clearly it'll be easy to keep Gilly's origins under wraps!

They're first greeted by Sam's mother and sister, who are pretty happy to see him and willing to welcome Gilly into the family. But that's the easy part.

Cut to them meeting the rest of the family for dinner, with Randyll and his younger son (and now heir) Dickon. It starts with awkward silence, then some cock fighting about hunting (well…sort of, since Sam doesn't pretend to be a good hunter), a gaffe from Sam's sister while trying to smooth things over…

"I think our father could learn a thing or two from your [Gilly's] father."

Yeah, the guy who raped his daughters to have more kids is totally a role model.

And then Randyll steps in by fatshaming his own son and shaming him for becoming a maester, which is like, totally unmanly and stuff. Gilly defends him by mentioning what he did north of the Wall, which fails since White Walkers are considered legends, and only results to out Gilly as a wildling. Oops?

Cue Randyll's racism flaring up about how much he hates wildlings, and going on a tangent about the family's Valyrian steel sword Heartsbane which is totally not foreshadowing. Randyll decrees Gilly will be made to work in the kitchen and that Sam is forbidden from ever coming back, which…I don't know what else Sam expected, really.

In any case, he apologizes to Gilly for making her go through this, and decides they're all leaving instead. So…why even bother with this detour, show? Especially since Gilly is no more given a choice in leaving than she was in coming here in the first place, and we still end up in the same place they were in the books?

Well, that's the foreshadowing I mentioned. Sam steals Heartsbane before he leaves, and considering how rare and important Valyrian steel is…you know that's significant.

In King's Landing, we're in for another meeting between Tommen and the High Sparrow, with Tommen having agreed to Margaery's walk of shame. The High Sparrow is convinced she'll be safe, because his security did such a great job with Cersei, right?

"I suspect the gods will predispose the common people to gentleness on her behalf."

Yeah, right. Bullshit.

He even offers Tommen to meet Margaery, they have a reunion that would probably be sweeter if Tommen was insufferable and Margaery hadn't technically manipulated him the whole time and wasn't still doing it now. She realizes that the High Sparrow beat her at that game, so she changes her strategy from "getting Tommen to side with her against the High Sparrow" to "act repentant about how all her kindness to the people was for show".

At least I hope that's what she's doing. Margaery is one of my favorite characters in the show specifically because they made her a much more cunning political player (where in the books it's ambiguous at best), so if she's being genuine now, it'd be a real insult to her character.

Well, anyway, stick to the day of her walk of atonement/shame, with the Tyrell troops entering King's Landing as planned to stop it from happening. Which results in a face-off and lots and lots of ranting and posturing, with the Sparrows acting like they're willing to die over this, until the High Sparrow calls them off and cancels Margaery's walk of shame, only to reveal his ultimate victory: Tommen is on his side over this.

"Together, we announce a new age of harmony. A holy alliance between the Crown and the Faith."

Yay, Tommen actually manage to out-douche his brother by siding with the bigots. I didn't know that was possible, but here we are.

Yeah, okay, he's being manipulated by the High Sparrow, as is demonstrated by his speech repeating the Sparrow's rhetorics (and also being uncomfortably close to "make the Seven Kingdoms great again").

Since Jaime was leading the Tyrell troops, he ends up on trial for treason. He ends up being removed from the King's Guard, and is instead sent to lead the Lannister troops to retake Riverrun. Yes, we're apparently reviving that plot line. Let's not even question this. Jaime complains, but Cersei comforts him, because at least he's still free and they can still plan revenge from this position.

Speaking of which, we get a moment with Lord Walder Frey complaining that his sons lost Riverrun, and apparently being too stupid to realize that if every major Riverlands house and the commoners (rallied behind the Brotherhood Without Banners) are against them, they're not going to hold any land, no matter what the Iron Throne says. Although Walder Frey does have one good point in his favor: they still hold Edmure Tully (who is technically heir to Riverrun) hostage since the Red Wedding.

Back in Braavos, with Arya watching more of the recap/propaganda play, where Arya notices more evidence that the actress playing Sansa is envious of Lady Crane (Arya's designated target and the actress playing Cersei, for those of you not keeping track).

And…I don't know, apparently Arya sympathizes with Lady Crane as a result. I mean, she does poison her rum as planned, but she then talks to Lady Crane about the play and saves her from the poison, while also warning her against her rival. I'm…not entirely sure that I should care about any of the drama with the theater troupe?

What does matter is that Arya's clearly failed her test by the Faceless Men, and of course, her instructor (who, I've checked, doesn't have a name beyond "The Waif") was spying the whole time and reports to Jaqen H'ghar about it while Arya recovers her things—and most improtantly her sword, Needle. So it's time to make for the Faceless Men to make good on their threat to Arya, and Jaqen lets The Waif go after her.

"Don't let her suffer."

How sweet of you. But did you guys forget that Faceless Men weren't allowed to go after any target whose name they were familiar with? I mean, it was never established in the show, but still.

Finally, back with Daenerys, she and Daario argue about how many ships she'll need to take all her armies to Westeros, with Daario being unconvinced that she'd make a good ruler because she's more of a conqueror. Which Dany…doesn't seem to mind, for some reason.

This goes nowhere, and instead, Dany vanishes for a moment, only to return on the back of Drogon, who's returned and is bigger than ever. It's a badass scene, and Dany gets a badass speech after she lands, but I'm too busy wondering who the hell thought this scene had any sort of natural flow to it to be admirative. Like…yay, the Dothraki are devoted to you now. How is this different from the end of episode 4 when they all knelt before you?

So…yeah, that was Blood of my Blood, and…this final scene embodies what doesn't work in this episode. There are some pretty big changes—with Tommen's random radicalization, Meera and Bran meeting Benjen, Arya ditching the Faceless Men, and yes, Drogon's return—but they all feel like nobody involved knew how to properly build up a scene, so they peter out before they've had a chance to make a lasting impression.

I'm also going to go ahead and sort the parallel plot lines as I like to do when there's no reason to split them in the episode. There's enough scene jumping without having to go "back at the Wall" a dozen times or however many it is.

So…at the Wall, then. Because yes, we open the episode there again. Littlefinger has somehow already made the long trek from the Vale through the Riverlands and the entire North to the Wall. In case you never looked at a map of Westeros, the North is basically half of all of Westeros. And yes, I assume this means a time skip took place, but…come on, was there really nothing you could put in-between to indicate the passage of time?

I feel like the showrunners are just way too enamored with the Wall plotline for the show's own good. Why are we start every episode there?

Anyway. Littlefinger offers his army to Sansa, who promptly rejects him. On one hand, yay, she's rejecting a man who is clearly not trustworthy. On the other hand…way to fail at showing that Sansa's character has developed into a fine politician who understands pragmatic choices. But fear not, because convenience is coming! Turns out Brynden "Blackfish" Tully, Sansa's great-uncle who hasn't been seen for over two seasons, has retaken Riverrun. And we never heard about that development…somehow?

Okay, so…in the books, the siege of Riverrun was a thing. Bryden did retake it (though he didn't have control of the whole Riverlands as Littlefinger is saying here), and Frey and Lannister troops besieged him, until Jaime Lannister had to step in and solve the situation in a peaceful way. By which I mean the Tullys surrendered. Is that going to happen here? Because if that's the case, Sansa's in for quite the disappointment.

More importantly, the problem is…the siege of Riverrun started before Cersei was even imprisoned by the Faith of the Seven. And here it looks like Brynden has not only retaken Riverrun but the entire Riverlands. So…why haven't we heard about this in King's Landing? Do the Lannisters just not care about losing such a massive and important part of their land?

Point is: you dropped that plot line, you can't just randomly bring it back now and act like this makes perfect sense.

Littlefinger also advises Sansa to get Riverrun's help for herself, basically implying that she can't/shouldn't trust Jon. But that's just Littlefinger for you: always brewing chaos and trying to get the upper hand by navigating it. No, the problem is…Sansa apparently takes that advice, since the next time we see her in Jon's war council, she tells them about Riverrun, but lies about her source. She also suggests using her name to rally the northern lords behind, rather than Jon's, since she's a legitimate heir and Jon's a bastard.

And the thing is…I don't even mind that. Sansa should definitely get some power in this alliance. But doing it because Littlefinger manipulated her in doing it? Please don't.

Brienne (who knows about Littlefinger) actually calls her out on it, but nothing comes of that. Instead, all we get is a…pretty ambiguous moment where Sansa shows off her new dress with a Stark sigil, and gifts Jon a cloak with the sigil as well. I say it's ambiguous because…well, it could mean she views him as a Stark, or that she views him as her servant.

Speaking of Brienne, Sansa sends her to Riverrun in person, because some nonsense about the possibility that a raven could be caught by Ramsay. As if people, especially a lone rider like Brienne, couldn't be intercepted? Eh, don't question it. Brienne isn't happy about it, especially because she doesn't trust Jon's entourage (namely, Davos and Melisandre who killed Renly, and Tormund who's a wildling and may or may not be attracted to Brienne), but she complies.

Also, Sansa and Jon leave Castle Black with their wildling army, leaving the castle with…like, ten people in it. I mean, I knew the Night's Watch was understaffed, but…damn.

Next. Remember Arya's montage of becoming a badass and earning her place with the Faceless Men? Apparently we're undoing that, because now she gets beaten up mercilessly all over again (even though her eyesight is restored) and Jaqen isn't sure she belongs here.

"You'll never be one of us, Lady Stark." "She has a point."

After spouting some backstory about the Faceless Men, he gives Arya a final chance in the form of a new mark she has to kill. It's an actress, currently starring in a "satirical" play about the events of Westeros from season 1. Arya is of course upset by the portrayal of her dad, because the play is Lannister propaganda (so it vilifies Ned, along with Tyrion), and I'm not sure why I should care. Is it a symbol of how Arya can't let go of her identity? I don't know.

In any case, this play takes an ungodly amount of my time, as does the following scene of Arya slipping into backstage to hear the actor playing Joffrey talk about the warts on his genitals. Because clearly that was 1) a very good use of the screentime and 2) having the guy flash the audience is totally equivalent to the countless amount of naked women who were displayed in erotic fashion.

She figures out the best way to kill her mark (the actress playing Cersei), and reports to Jaqen, where she also questions why the woman has to die and guesses that they've been hired by the jealous younger actress. This…goes nowhere. Yay!

So let's check on the Iron Isles, where the Kingsmeet is taking place. And yes, I'm still kind of confused by the concept of elected kings who otherwise seem to work as any other absolute monarch, but hey, this was in the books too, so I can't fault the show for it.

In any case, Yara Greyjoy makes a claim for the throne and faces sexism, until Theon supports her. Because of course his speech is allowed to be more inspirational than hers. Come on, haven't you learned nothing from Sansa and Littlefinger, or Dany and Tyrion/Jorah/Varys? Clearly powerful women can't be powerful without a man backing them up in this show. If they do, they end up in jail like Margaery.

It's all utterly wasted, though, because Euron Greyjoy shows up too. He's also not just unashamed but outright proud of killing his own brother, on the grounds that nobody liked him anyway. This Trump-esque political move works about as well as Trump himself does, and the Ironborn vote for him and his plan to build a fleet, offer it to Daenerys, and conquer Westeros with her. Because sure, that's worked out so well for everyone else who's joined her so far. They totally kept their own sovereignty in the process. Awesome plan, Euron, clearly your "big cock" (his words) will allow you to rule by her side instead of becoming her underling. You keep telling yourself that.

Oh, also, Euron decides to kill his niece and nephew as soon as he's crowned, but I guess they anticipated that, because they run away with the best Ironborn ships before he can get to them.

Speaking of Dany, she's outside of Vaes Dothrak, ready to depart. She thanks Jorah for saving her life, which…confuses the hell out of me, since they didn't actually help one bit towards what she did and she could just as easily have come up with the same plan without them. Let's be real, the only reason this is here is because the show loves Jorah and loves Jorah/Daenerys even more, for some obscure reason.

But in grand tradition of straight romances trying to play forbidden, Jorah can't stay with her because of his greyscale. He gives her an angsty "I love you" and is about to leave, but Dany commands him to find a cure and come back to her, so…I guess he's off to do that now?

"When I take the Seven Kingdoms…I need you by my side."

Um…bullshit. She definitely does not need Jorah. If anything, he'll probably make her look bad.

And while we're on that side of the world, let's check the Meereen crew. The city is now at peace since the Sons of the Harpy aren't receiving any more funds (and the freedmen have stopped killing masters for…some reason). Tyrion declares the next step is to make sure everyone knows this peace is Dany's doing, and decides they need help for that.

Said help comes in the form of Kinvara, the leader of the Red Priests of R'hllor. She's basically Melisandre 2.0, convinced that Dany is the Prince Who Was promised in the same way (though with admittedly better arguments) that Mel thought Stannis was. But she's still pragmatic enough to imply she'll only help them in exchange for a full conversion.

Varys isn't convinced, because the red priests are pretty fanatical and Dany's people have all kinds of religion. He even points out Melisandre and Stannis, and how the red priests' help didn't get them very far. But who needs valid points when you have…uncanny knowledge of Varys's castration? Yeah, apparently this is Kinvara's "proof" that they have all been serving the Lord of Light all along. To me it proves nothing, but apparenly this is enough to end the scene on.

And that leaves us with what I guess is the most important set piece of the episode: Bran's visions. We check on him the most out of all the plot lines in the episode, and this is also where the most change occurs.

Specifically, we first learn that the White Walkers are actually creations of the Children of the Forest, made as weapons to protect Westeros (since the Children were its native inhabitants) against the colonizing humans. We don't get many details, but it's easy enough to surmise the White Walkers grew out of their creators' control, since we already know the Children eventually fought at the humans' side against the Walkers.

The next vision Bran gets is one he goes into on his own, and we know that means bad news. Indeed, Bran returns to the site of the previous vision, except this time it's winter (and pretty clearly present day). The White Walker army is also present, and they're able to sense Bran's presence somehow. The Night King (did we already know that that was his name?) actually touches him, and when Bran wakes up, he's still branded by him. The three-eyed crow says this means the white walkers will be able to come here and bypass the Children's wards, and says it's time for Bran to "become him". Which means it's time for another vision.

Said vision is of Ned Stark leaving Winterfell for the Vale as a kid, so I don't really see the point. I mean, I know the point of the vision, because it'll come up in a moment, but I don't see why the three-eyed crow would take Bran there.

In any case, the White Walkers get here, the Children hold them back (with magic grenades. That they have. Don't question it.), and Meera tries to wake up Bran so he can take control of Hodor and they can leave.

She doesn't manage to wake him, though she does reach into his vision, and he does somehow control Hodor from within his vision. They escape through a tunnel with a door at the end, the last of the Children and Bran's direwolf Summer get heroic sacrifices (because the show hates the direwolves), and the Three-Eyed Crow dies too and we see him vanish inside Bran's vision.

This is where the show really shows that it doesn't understand that the books' "anyone can die" attitude doesn't mean "people die all the time". There's no sense of pacing—we have deaths every episode, so this doesn't even really strikes me as particularly dramatic. Just because anyone can die doesn't mean everyone should. Also, you know, at this pace, we'll run out of characters before we run out of episodes.

Anyway, this leads to the episode's final scene, with Hodor, Meera and Bran making it outside, and Hodor holding the door closed against the onslaught of wights. Cue Meera telling him to hold the door, which…makes it into Bran's visions and somehow affects young!Hodor. "Hold the door" somehow shortens to "Hodor", and that's why he was the way he was. Basically, Bran fried his brain with time travel.

There have been hints that Bran could influence the past, though it seems limited to stable time loops, so my reaction to this is mostly…okay? So what? It might change our understanding of past events, but I hardly see this changing anything.

As for Hodor's fate…eh? This is the heartless part, because I don't really feel anything about it. Part of it is the aforementioned saturation of character deaths in the show—if I have to feel bad for Hodor, I have to feel bad for characters like Osha or Fat Walda too. Part of it is that I was never too interested in Hodor. Part of it is that this is just trying too hard to pull on heartstrings and I have a knee-jerk reaction to it.

Besides, as someone pointed out to me, we didn't see the body, meaning he might not even be dead—or he might come back.

We open, unsurprisingly, at the Wall. I'm getting really tired of that, show. Please break your own formula already.

Anyway, we left the Night's Watch with Jon about to leave, and open this episode with Dolorous Edd trying to stop him. Jon won't budge, but before he can leave on his own, Sansa arrives at Castle Black with Brienne and Pod. And…you know, I should probably question the timing here, but then again the flow of time in this season has been pretty weird, since on one hand we had events like Dany crossing the Grass Sea and Jaime returning from Dorne take place supposedly in the same time frame between Jon's death and his resurrection, which seemed to me like it all took place within a day. So…you know, nothing new here.

More importantly, I'm fine with it because the resulting scene is pretty sweet. For actors who haven't really worked together for the past five years (and barely shared any screen time at all in the show), Kit Harrington and Sophie Turner really sell the "half-siblings reunited after years apart" angle, with some awkwardness and some banter. I mean, I know the entire cast spent time together outside of shooting, but that's not exactly the same thing.

Also nice is Sansa getting to come up with the plans here. Jon's only goal is to leave—Sansa wants to take Winterfell back, using Jon's authority over the wildlings (which she knows about…somehow?) to face off against the Bolton forces. Jon isn't convinced, but Sansa is adamant, even saying she'll do it alone if she has to.

Meanwhile, Davos and Melisandre talk about this new development, with Melisandre repeating that she's now convinced Jon is the Prince Who Was Promised, and therefore, she'll follow him anywhere, even after Davos points out this sudden change of attitude is pretty arbitrary. I've already shared my annoyance about this, so I won't spend time about it again. I just hope the show does something with it more along the lines of "Melisandre is desperate for anything to believe in" rather than her being right about Jon. It would be a more interesting character development for her if played right, and more importantly, we don't need to make Jon extra special.

Their conversation is interrupted by Brienne, who reminds them that she knows Melisandre is the one who killed Renly Baratheon all that time ago, and she hasn't forgiven them. Which she doesn't really have any reason to do. She also tells them she executed Stannis herself, so…I guess they're even now? I do hope they're going somewhere with this, because otherwise it feels like a pretty random reminder that this show is about factions warring with each other and that no alliance is stable, which…we already knew that, guys.

Anyway. With the Wall subplot out of the way (well, not really, but we've had enough for now), we go through the next tradition this season: unearthing another abandoned plot thread. This time, it's with Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish, who comes back to the Vale and Robin Arryn. If you don't remember who that is, it's the kid who was still breastfed by his mom while on the cusp of puberty, loves throwing people off a cliff, and tried to hit on/kill his cousin Sansa. He's basically Joffrey 2.0, except he's just…not as hateable as Joffrey, at least not in my opinion. I'm not sure why—maybe it's because he acts more like a petulant toddler whereas Joffrey, while definitely an entitled brat, was an entitled man. Robin's just too childish to be scary, even as he kills you.

Back to what's actually happening. Littlefinger's back from having sold Sansa out to the Boltons, with an excuse ready for the Lord of the Vale as to why he's lost custody of her, claiming he was attacked by the Boltons, and even accusing Lord Royce (one of the most important Lords here and the guy who had Robin's custody while Littlefinger was away) of being the one who sold them out. It's mostly just a display to show to Royce his influence on Robin (which…Robin is basically his puppet).

He also already knows about Sansa's escape from Winterfell, and has Robin send his troops after her. Good thing Sansa needed an army, right? Well…I don't know. I wouldn't say anything where Littlefinger is involved is ever a good thing. Though it sure is convenient.

Speaking of convenient, let's check on Tyrion Sue in Meereen. Yes, I'm officially calling him that until the show stops giving me a reason to do so. Tyrion Sue contacted the slave masters of Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis, since he and Varys discovered last time that they were funding the rebellious Sons of the Harpy within Meereen.

Tyrion's offer is basically this: have the Masters stop funding the Sons of the Harpy and give them seven years to abolish slavery, with compensation for every freed slave. With the argument that wealth inequality will still exist and the implication that poor people can be manipulated just as easily as slaves, demonstrated by Tyrion offering them "free" prostitutes at the end of the meeting. Which…ew. I mean, both using women as commodities, and the implication that this idea of freedom is somehow worth fighting for.

Missandei and Grey Worm both call him out, before and after the meeting, pointing out that his short time in slavery is not enough to understand what slavery is like, and that he shouldn't get to speak for the slaves or even for Meereen. An opinion that the Meereenese freedmen seem to share as they send delegates to complain to Tyrion…so suddenly Missandei and Grey Worm defend him and claim that this is the most pragmatic and realistic solution. Because all shall bow down to the Sue.

Okay, let's just ignore that this is Tyrion Lannister and all my issues with his evolution in the show. Or the fact that he now tries to use his dwarfism as justification to understanding what slaves go through, because he too is treated as "less than human", which…no, just no.

This is a character born in privilege, acknowledging that he was born in privilege saying "seven years isn't that long" and going for "the pragmatic option". The pragmatic option being to remove slavery…in name only. Early capitalism wasn't exactly much better than slavery—and this seems to be where Tyrion is headed—and most importantly, he's giving them seven years to make it happen. There is no way he'll still be in Meereen seven years from now to enforce that. You might as well just have given up right there and then!

Just as you wish Daenerys was back, we check on the fuckboy duo who went to rescue her. And they're still fuckboys, complete with Daario randomly mentioning how, yeah, he had sex with Dany, and Jorah would totally never have enough stamina to satisfy her. Because that's very relevant right now.

They've reached Vaes Dothrak as well, Jorah does some exposition of why Dany's here and where she's likely being held, and he also hides his weapon, since weapons aren't allowed in the city and they could pass as merchants if they're unharmed. Daario complains, banters about this one knife he likes so much because the handle is shaped like a naked woman, and…yeah, if you don't know where this is going, I don't know what to tell you.

Side-note: Jorah's still affected by greyscale, and Daario sees it at last. The episode doesn't do anything with it, though, so that's all I have to say on the matter.

So they sneak in at night, get caught, Jorah's almost beaten to death, but Daario saves him with that special knife. Yay, that was totally not a waste of my time or gratuitous. And speaking of gratuitous, Daario then picks up a rock to bash his victim's corpse and hide the stab wound so the Dothraki might think it was a regular drunken brawl. This is shown to us in painful detail, because we clearly have nothing better to do with our screentime.

Meanwhile, Dany's with the widows of the Dosh Khaleen, who tell her about how they have much more power here than as khaleesi, since a khaleesi is supposed to be submissive to her husband, whereas the Dosh Khaleen gets to dictate policy for all the khals. It's a good point…too bad you undermined it with that subplot about the Khals getting to decide if Dany stays with the Dosh Khaleen or not.

Dany's just annoyed by them and gets out with another of the widows as her chaperone, a young girl her age whom I don't believe has a name yet and who was forcefully married at age twelve only to watch her husband die when she was sixteen. I assume she'll be relevant later, because…why else would you tell us her backstory?

But for now, she's just sort of there to be a witness as Daario and Jorah find Dany, and Dany refuses to escape, because they'd never outrun the Dothraki. Instead, she has a plan, and she gets the widow's trust not to tell anyone about this meeting. And…on one hand, that trust comes a little fast considering they've had all of one scene together, but fine, they did bond a little over being non-Dothraki members of the Dosh Khaleen and all that, I can accept it.

Unfortunately, we don't get to see that plan just yet. Instead, we head to King's Landing, where Margaery Tyrell is brought to the High Sparrow. I'll spare you his parable and his story about being a rich cobbler who suddenly realized his own sins and became a poor preacher, because I'm just bored of the High Sparrow's speeches by now. A bigot is a bigot is a bigot, no matter how much he believes in his bigoted rhetorics or how humble and caring for the lower classes he is.

And just in case you thought they were trying to sweep the bigotry under the rug, fear not: Margaery gets to see her brother Loras. You know, who was imprisoned for being gay, which was a totally unnecessary addition to this subplot?

While she's being kept in…not the best conditions, he's been outright tortured and is on the verge of breaking. Margaery realizes the High Sparrow only let her see him as a way to get to him even more, so she warns him against that, and tells him to stay strong. It's a pretty sweet moment…if you can look past the circumstances that brought them there.

Also upsetting about this subplot is how the factions seem to be monarchy vs communism, which is re-established to us as we switch to Cersei in the Red Keep. She overhears Tommen talking about it with Grand Maester Pycelle, which annoys her…for some reason. I guess she just dislikes Pycelle on principle, and I can't fault her for that.

Point is, even if she dislikes Margaery, Cersei realizes the reigning queen can't be treated as she is without weakening the crown as a whole, so she wants to take action against it. And Tommen gives her the perfect ammunition—even if he swears her to keep it a secret, which she of course doesn't.

Specifically, she comes to the Small Council to reveal to Olenna Tyrell (Margaery's grandmother) that the Faith is planning to give Margaery her own "march of atonement". Olenna agrees that this is unacceptable, and Cersei offers a plan to have the Tyrell army come into the city to rescue Margaery, which would leave the crown's hands clean and rid them of the Faith Militant. Kevan Lannister (hand of the king/cersei's uncle) points out this could lead to civil war, but he's swayed by the promise of getting his son back, since he's been indoctrinated by the Faith. Also, Olenna gives a "better them than us" speech.

And…back to that thematic. Yeah, I'm still uneasy about the subtext here, that monarchy = good and communism = bad. Or…at least that monarchy is the lesser evil, because communism is the realm of bigoted people and everyone being poor. Combined with Tyrion's earlier rhetorics, it creates a political discourse that I'm not sure is intentional, but definitely does not make me like the show for it.

Okay, let's try to find something good to talk about. Since Rickon's been found already, turns out I was wrong about Theon—he's going back to the Iron Isles after all! Sure, whatever. His sister Yara isn't particularly happy to see him, and I kind of feel bad for Theon as the abuse victim who just has nowhere left to go. The scene does end with Theon rejecting the notion of becoming king of the Iron Isles, and instead promising Yara he'll help her get the throne for herself, which is pretty sweet. It's still unlikely to happen if we follow the books, but…you know, I'll take it.

So of course the show has to balance out that attempt to empower a female character. How about we have Ramsay bring Osha to him and kill her after having her pretend she's trying to sleep with him to kill him? Yeah, that would do it. Just…kill another female character in a sexual position. That works.

Back to the main plots. At the Wall, Jon gets Ramsay's message that he has Rickon in his custody, and he's daring Jon to come at him, bro. He also threatens to have his men gang-rape Sansa if she's not returned to him—as if the alternative was better.

This is enough to convince Jon to go along with Sansa's plan and walk against Ramsay. They don't have enough men with just the wildlings—who…apparently are totally okay following Jon now?—but Sansa plans to use rally the northern lords behind the name of Stark. I'm not entirely sure why she suggests Jon be the figurehead, since she's technically the one who's a legitimate heir, but I'll take Sansa being the one who comes up with the plans, even if those plans involve playing the patriarchy. Could be better, but…you know.

And of course, they don't know that the Vale's forces are coming to them, but one thing at a time.

Meanwhile, back in Vaes Dothrak, the khals discuss the men Daario killed and dismiss it as a random fight as Daario plan. They then have Dany brought to her for her own trial. More sexism ensues, along with yet another threat of gang rape (what's this show's deal with that?), but dany is unfazed.

She makes a counter-offer: follow her to conquer Westeros, as Khal Drogo once promised to her. They laugh at her, but Dany has zero fucks to give, and she pushes down the lamps. Since the whole place is made of wood and the ground is covered in straw (I think?), it catches on fire pretty quickly. And of course, she made sure to have the doors locked, trapping the khals inside. And as we've established before, Dany is fireproof, so she's fine. (First person to quote One Direction at me gets slapped)

I'll be honest: it's pretty cathartic. It's even more cathartic if you imagine the women in the show doing this to the showrunners.

(I apologize for the horrible Photoshop skills)

The Dothraki gather outside of the burning temple of the Dosh Khaleen, and of course, Dany emerges unscathed (and naked, because being fireproof doesn't extend to clothing), like a boss. They all kneel to her, and…yeah, this is badass, even if it's like the third time a huge crowd kneels to Dany after she does something badass, and also the race angle is still uncomfortable.

Look, just let me have this moment of childish glee, okay? My fav burning stuff is always fun for me to watch.