February 7th, 2021
I just want to see a life in front of me without having to wonder why there isnโt anything when I wanted there to be, finding out thereโs just and only the person that is me. I want to know reality for what itโs worth, a mind that is imaginative and idealistic; but a body that feels the rawness of humanity, a heart that understands perception and is able to communicate to the mind, without words said and if there are, Iโm able to dismiss and lead instead. I do this today, but things get complex, Iโm a complexity of a mess. Thereโs no way to understand something like this because if it were, Iโm pretty sure Iโd be living in a longed future century. I think about the unique aspects of what I am, and itโs a lotโฆ good, bad, ugly and a lot of misfortune, but they do say that beauty comes from destruction so maybe Iโm more beautiful than I know and Iโm just caught up in what I donโt know.
Does anybody hear these voices that I hear so loud? Or is it just in my head that I canโt get over instead? Sometimes I swear, my cat can hear my silent screaming or the beeping of vulnerability and profanity my mind cancels out because of a past lead by a religion where bad words cursed you to hellโฆ but that might just be the crazy that causes my own personal meltdown of misperceiving and insanity. But really, I hear static sometimes, as if itโs allowing my mind to just breathe, a mental break if you will. Binaural, keeping things calm, steady, just content. Thats what it feels like during those times, like a hidden peace of what I canโt understand is finally mine. But itโs not something Iโm able to just bring about and make happen, but periodically does find me and occurs randomly. I try to not get mad that it doesnโt happen on snapping point when I want it, because it just happens when it does and thereโs nothing I can do to make it stay or make it go, it just is. Kind of like what Iโm dealing with, I canโt do much about it, I can pray, I can eat, I can live, I can sleep, I can scream, I can write, I can paint, I can cry, I can feel, I can get angry and really riled, and feel pain and know disgust of a mindโs warpath, and know the truth of gratitude. I canโt do much, but I can do everything. If this makes sense, Iโm glad it did, this is for me, and the voices I hear so muchโฆ but right now, there presence is more than showing as absently and that is worth my misperceived reality.











