#d mol

ESC 2019: Semi-Final 1 - Non Qualifiers

Eurovision Song Contest 2019 - Opening Ceremony

385. Emmy - “Boom Boom” Armenia 2011

Lol remember that time Armenia had to be total crap AND in a stacked semi to NQ? Good times. :)

Having said that, Emmy’s voice...😬 I mean the song is your typical braindead basic bop about boxing, which is whateverokayiguess, (we can’t afford being picky in 2011) but every time she opens her mouth it sounds like somebody choking a crowing rooster so for her benefit and ours, it’s time euthanize her from this ranking. :)

384. S!sters - “Sister” Germany 2019

B A S I C. Painfully basic. They replaced their lazy suzan (the one thing that provided me with some lolz) and replaced it with a -of course- selfie backdrop. God, i already regret not ranking its basicbitchwhitness even lower. HATE ‘em! 

Actually, hang on; Laurita is okay, in fact. She at least seemed visually embarrassed by all the BS she had to go through and well, same girl. But Carlotta, man. She was so fucking INTO it with her nauseating, twee, overearnest, friendship-bracelet-wearing, Instagram-vlogging, fake-kumbaya “LOVE YOUR [metaphorical] SISTER” BULLCRAP as if she had anything of value to say.  Homegirl thinks she’s ~alternative and edgy~ and Knows What She Sings About but her actions and socio-economic status only further betray her as your average upper-middle-class white chick you never had to struggle at any point in her life. Basically the embodiment of what “Sister” represents and why I dislike it.

But whatever, I won’t dwell on it for too long, now that I’ve spewed my bile. I’m sure that when you read this, Laurita will have already deleted Carlotta off all social media, and have settle down with loved ones to live a happy, healthy life, while Carlotta will spend the next five years singing in night clubs as a Lena Meyer-Landrut tribute act. Ah, the cycle of life. 

383. D Mol - “Heaven” Montenegro 2019

What do you even want me to say about D Mol? lol. They came off as amateurs, the act made zero sense, the composition is one of the worst. If my ambition was to be objective, they would rank much, much lower. But mostly they’re just an afterthought for me because I find their brand of incompetence really boring. If only this had been a duet between Rizo and Mirula, *sigh*

382. Isaiah - “Don’t come easy” Australia 2017

[2017 Review here] Lol "Don’t come easy” hasn’t aged well AT ALL!!  All I said in 2017 still applies: Godawful staging, horrible vocal performance, a serious mismatch between the singer and the song they were assigned, Isaiah came off as a demon muppet with no charisma and the overal package did WAY too fucking well for what it was. Have fun with this collage of awful camera angles courtesy of SaboTage Baptiste:

I WILL take a moment to point how shit the story is though, since I haven’t before. Girl meets boy, boy and girl have consentual sex, boy develops feelings for girl, boy the cites a lot of personal reasons why HE can’t commit to a relationship, boy continues pulling the sob story card while never asking how girl feels, while also concern-trolling girl with “it’s not you, it’s me” prattle. To everyone out here, that’s how emotionally abusive relationships start, GET OUT OF THERE, NOW!!!.

Also I know it’s silly and largely unrelated, but I’m annoyed Australia dropped Isaiah’s surname. “Isaiah Firebrace” is a top five human name and they couldn’t even get that right; Boy I don’t miss the DNA era. 

381. Marcin Mroziński - “Legenda” Poland 2010

The first entry on this list to give me chills! Although