#custohate

To the lady with the small dog on her lap: YOU ARE IN A COFFEE SHOP. Surely you know by now that dogs are not legally allowed in food-serving establishments. SURELY you did not think that sneaking your pet into the shop in your purse would exclude you from this rule. SURELY you can find a way to NOT make our lives harder while compromising the health of all the other customers. Also, surely you know that it is proper etiquette, when taking up space in a coffee shop, to buy something. Enjoy the rest of your day. And your little dog too.

I mean, WE don't really care if you come in, sit down, and don't buy something. But we do care for our bosses like family, so, you know, we would like for them to keep making money so that we can keep working here. Because we LIKE it. Here.

Do you ever take the time to wonder what exactly that tone of voice is? The one we use to ask you ever-so-careful questions about your order, as succinctly as we can, and a little as if we're sorry we have to ask? Why do we speak as though our speaking to you is your burden to carry? Why do we exclaim positivity at every turn? Why do we tell you the price like we're singing birds on Snow White's shoulder? It's because we know that at the end of everything we say lies the possibility of you becoming angry at us. If we don't chirp the sizes or the chocolates or the milks at you in the sing-songiest of tones, you might just realize that you hate us and what we stand for. You might wake from your dream and find yourself spending too much money on something ephemeral. You might become upset that something is too expensive, too small, too hard to pronounce, or too inconvenient. We speak as if we are handing you your favorite candy, because we hope that for just one more sentence it will trick you into being nice to us.

custohate, 10: I. HATE. EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

WHY. WHY, YOU ASSHOLES.

No, you should NOT interrupt a conversation I am having with another patron. No, you should NOT lean over the glass that says "Please do not reach over glass." No, you should NOT finish your swift perusal and sigh dejectedly and whisk out of the shop with a "thanks, anyway," all without even making eye contact with me. Big lesson: SOCIAL RULES STILL APPLY IN COFFEE SHOPS.

When I no longer work in coffee I will wear all of my prayer bracelets at once I will always wear scarves I will wear bracelets again I might paint my finger nails, but probably not I will wear loose clothing, fewer bras, and almost never the work bra I will sit in my coffee shop with my head down I will tell people what I really think more of the time, express the entire range of my emotions, and not wait around for people. I will never order decaf.

Man in bike outfit walks up to counter with a croissant on a plate. "Can I get some butter?" "Yep, that's 50 cents." "And jam, some butter and jam." "Alrighty, that'll be a dollar." "Sorry?" "It's 50 cents each for butter and jam." "Forget it then." *walks away* A minute later "Do you have any way to heat this up so it's edible without butter and jam?" "Do you want butter and jam? It's really good, it's worth the dollar." "How much do you charge for the croissant?" "$2." "Any other place in town—" "Are you Bob? This is your tea." "Ok. So..." "We don't have a microwave or anything to heat it up." "Well, throw it away then." *pushes plate across counter and walks away* As I walked away I said to him "I love you! Bye!" as a sort of God-bless-you gesture, but he came back and asked Matthew for the manager's phone number (which he didn't give him). My responses are: How much did you pay for that bike jersey? Do you see me as a person? Do you always waste food to show power? Do you not have the capability of endorphin-release? Is that why you're so upset? Do you normally refuse to pay for things and then refuse to use the things you've already paid for? Are you experiencing grief? Does the sun make you warm? Do you resent your life? What's your other vehicle? Will you cut me off later on the street despite being a cyclist yourself, because you lack empathy? Is your friend so mean? He looked nice. Is he helping you heal from something? Have you ever looked at green plants in the sun and thought "how wonderful"? Do you know why you're here? Will you think about this later? Will you examine your actions and determine their rightfulness? I do love you, in that I hope you are blessed by kindness and recognize it as such. I said that for you but not to you, because I knew you were not about hearing me. Whoever's watching you heard me though. Or maybe it was just me. I'll be watching for you.