#cuddlebugthoughts

I have found that it takes a very long time to get past being “Ghosted”. Speaking for myself, just over a year later after having precisely that happen to me when my Dom vanished into the aether, then reappeared in the arms of another woman 2 months later I admit, I’m still not over it. At this point, I’m wondering if I ever will be. It’s hard. It hurts still. I still want to see him, if only to ask “Why?” (and to possibly punch him in the throat for being a cockwomble, but I guess I shouldn’t say that really...)

The first thing I would add to everyone's well thought out responses on the actual post would be; It is not your fault this happened to you. Again, a little louder for those in the back.

It is NOT your fault that they have done this to you... so please, please, PLEASE don’t blame yourself.

Nothing constructive comes of it, and it will just make you feel so much worse.

When it happened to me, I spent every moment of every single day obsessing over it. “Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? What could have caused it? Did I say something I wasn’t supposed to? Am I that much of an inconvenience? Did I disappoint him in some way? Am I not worth saying goodbye to? Does he regret leaving, Does he even notice I’m not there? Did he even care?” amongst various other things. Believe me, when I say this is the path to madness. It is NOT you. It’s them. Entirely. I know this won’t help to fill in the deep, dark hole that is left where they were, it will help eventually, in time.

Seconding what was said in the linked post above, I have found it helpful to keep myself busy. I’ve always found it handy to be busy. As a sub, that's just who I am. Otherwise, it leaves too much time to think, or in my case OVERthink. Everything bad is like a hydra when I overthink it, and it grows about 12 heads and gets soooo much worse.

So, my advice here would be to find things (note, multiple) to do.

Read that book you’ve been putting off until later. Play that video game, that one you got stuck on and never got back to. Learn the instrument, learn the language or skill that you’ve always wanted to be able to do, but never had the time to sit down and try. If you’ve been waiting for the sign to do it, this is it.

For me, it was learning to crochet. I threw myself into it, and now I get requests from people to make plushie teddybears and beanie hats. Take up a new hobby in a community centre and get to know new people. Ones that don’t remind you of the one who left, that don’t have the shared memories attached to them that remind you of “before” even if it is just people with a mutual love of something you like, some new faces will give you something to focus on instead of your grief.

Now comes the important one, and don’t worry if you flunk this one for a little while. Everyone does.

Try to not check up on the person who ghosted you. If they blocked you then it’s simple, but in the age of social media, it’s never easy to hide. My former Dom, he didn’t delete me but he stopped talking to me. So for 6 months, I lurked. Waited for him to realise he fucked up. To realise that I was still there for him if he needed me.

Take it from me. It doesn’t help. Your need to serve in this case hinders your recovery and tortures you with the internal monologue of false hope. Making you feel like you would be betraying them if you’re not there the moment they need you.

You aren't betraying them at all. You’re helping yourself heal. A sub serves with everything they have, heart, body, mind and soul. But nowhere is it said that you have to bleed slowly, a drop at a time for someone undeserving of your devotion. By Ghosting you, they have lost the right to expect your unwavering loyalty and devotion. They are not a Dom. They are an Asshat.

You won't start to heal and move on if you’re constantly checking on them. I eventually deleted him everywhere myself after finally setting myself a deadline - His birthday, convincing myself he would eventually come talk to me if only to apologise for acting like an ass. Birthday came and went so I deleted him that day.

That was day one of recovering, properly.

A whole 6 or 7 months after he ghosted me.

I look back from where I am now and I cringe about those 6 or 7 months. Waiting around for him like a kicked puppy. So, to save yourself that embarrassment, do what I did AFTER I deleted him. Anytime I found myself wanting to “check in” on him, go for a walk, read a book... do anything but get away from your PC/Phone or whatever it is you used to check on them. Get away and do something for an hour or so. Eventually, it will become a habit to walk away from your device whenever you think of them and you’ll stop thinking about checking on them. Don't be afraid to cry about what has happened to you. I wouldn’t allow myself to cry for the longest time, thinking “He wins and gets his way if I cry. If I show he’s hurt me he gets what he wants. I won’t let him.” and it became a mantra almost.

It doesn’t help. It’s not weakness to cry. It’s just letting out that horrible, heavy ache that weighs down your chest at 3am when you can’t sleep and all you want is to be able to message or curl up with them, to feel connected, safe. Cry, scream.. do what you have to, for however long you have to then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, wipe your eyes and start over.

It’s a long hard road, not a fun one.. but sometimes a necessary one.

As with anything bad that happens, you can make the pain useful by learning something from it. Whether a life lesson, a skill, language or even just making a new friend from trying to strike out again on your own... Make their exit from your life a good thing. (and also, hope that the door hits them squarely in the ass on the way out. Just the tiniest bit.. I don’t think anyone would begrudge you just that smallest bit of karma.) A Dom friend of mine told me that “It’s a shame that most subs don’t realise sometimes that they too have power in this relationship” and it’s true.

I woke up to a flashing notification on my pc this morning. “[Former Dom Guy] would like to be your friend. Accept? Deny?” and I just sat there, staring. Got up, washed my face again. Made sure my glasses were on properly and looked again. Still there. Huh...

Okay, not a hallucination. Snapped a picture, sent it to one of my besties who is also a Dom asking what to do. Got reply. “Block his arse, do it now and slam that door so hard it knocks him into the middle of next week!”

Can’t say I disagree. My curiosity is in Hyperdrive though. Why now? Then I went to check a hunch, because I knew it wasn’t because he read what I wrote the other day. (He would actually have started to care about my opinion and what I think to do that. Never gonna happen.)

A quick and surreptitious stalking of his Facey profile confirmed my hunch, which I’m ticked about since I hadn’t looked at for 5 months, I was doing really well damn it! Anyway, “cheap replacement” as I called her (Bitter still, cut me a break here!) appears to have vanished from her place on his page. So either she left him after getting fed up of him, or whatever, don't care to be honest... point being, he’s coming back cause he want’s someone to comfort him and pet his head, telling him it will all be okay.

All I can do is sit here thinking “Well, what the fuck does that have to do with me?” I mean, I don’t want him back. I’m not giving him the opportunity to do that to me again - he had 5/6 years of doing the exact same thing to me. I’d have to be 12 days dead before letting him in again. I spent years trying to please him, and then when he left in the end, months practically killing myself with misery because he was gone.

So, sorry Former Dom Guy, but no.

I don't want you anywhere near me. I don't want to see you, hear you or have anything to do with you. You could tell me that you were moving to Mars today and still it wouldn’t be quick enough or far enough away.

I would have been happy to be your friend if you had treated me decently instead of Ghosting and forgetting my existence. If you had had the balls to tell me that you’d found someone else, I would have stepped back. I would have been sad about it but I wouldn’t have stopped you. I always did all the other times you’ve done this to me. I’ve always said that if you found someone better you just had to tell me and I’d leave. You couldn’t even do that.

I wish you could have loved me properly, even just a little bit. Even if it was only just enough for you to have said goodbye to me.

This year has been hell for me and what you did was the cherry on the cake. You have no idea how hard this year has been for me, not just you but everything else. How many times I cried myself to sleep and wished that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

And you know what? You never will because you do not deserve that part of me. You don’t deserve any part of me, good or bad. I would have done anything for you, you always knew that. A part of me still would, even after everything you have done but I won't.

I hope when you look back on this, you realise just how badly you messed up and what you’ve lost. I doubt it though however because I think if you attained that level of self-awareness your head would implode.

If you have any feelings at all for me, You’ll leave me alone. If you respect ANYTHING we had, you will turn yourself around and walk away because I don’t want you near me. Ever. If you persist trying to contact me, I will take it that I wasted those 5/6 years with you and every word out of your mouth was a lie.

If I decide that I want to attempt friendship with you, then I shall initiate contact but on my own terms. At that point, you are free to accept or reject as is your pleasure, but as of right now. I don’t want to know, or want you near me. If that is too hard for you, then... -shrugs-

I’d like, however before you go, to give you a tip for the future. Next time you have a girl who would do anything for you, don’t treat her like you treated me. Recognize the value of what she offers you. She may not be perfect, but then no one is. Not even you. It doesn’t make what she offers worth anything less.