#ct kix

             “Master.”

             Qui-Gon’s hands were trembling in pain. Obi-Wan was shaking with grief.

             “T-too…too late.”

             “No,” Obi-Wan begged, and his tears were flowing freely down his face. “No, Master, please.”

             Calloused finger tips brushed his cheek, catching a tear, and Obi-Wan’s heart was breaking, shattering into a thousand irreparable pieces, and―

             “I-I love you…Padawan.”

             Obi-Wan froze, and the tiny part of his mind that knew this was a dream, that kept him from losing himself in the grief again and again, recoiled. This wasn’t―

             “So…So proud of you, Obi-Wan. Never…doubt that…”

             The hand on his cheek was warm, and Obi-Wan was sobbing, even as the man in his arms smiled at him, one last time, and then the hand fell from his face.

             “Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon!”

             “QUI-GON!”

             Obi-Wan woke with a start, tears still streaming down his face as he stared blankly at the widow on the far wall, Qui-Gon’s words still echoing in his ears, to the backdrop of the sound of heavy booted footsteps drawing closer.

             A hand fells on Obi-Wan’s shoulder, and the Jedi startled, whirling to face the newcomer.

             “Obi-Wan?”

             Warm amber eyes, and a voice full of carefully measured calm. A gentle squeeze of his shoulder, and then the voice was speaking again, slowly and clearly.

             “Obi-Wan, you need to breathe now. Do you understand me? Nod if you understand.”

             He was shaking again, but somehow, Obi-Wan found it in him to nod. Breathe. Right, breathing, he could do that.

             “Alright, with me, okay? Ready? In.”

             Obi-Wan sucked in a long breath.

             “Out.”

             He released it in a gust, and the hand squeezed his shoulder again. “Good. Again.”

             They repeated the exercise three more times, until Obi-Wan was able to blink, to shake off enough of the confusion and grief to really pay attention to his surroundings.

             He was on Naboo, in a lavish bedroom full of soft white fabric. Kix was sitting at his side, hand still on his shoulder, a warm anchor point to the moment, and Cody was standing at the door, dressed in civies and with concern painting his scarred face.

             “Obi-Wan?” Kix asked, and Obi-Wan forced himself to meet the medic’s eyes. “Do you know where you are?”

             He nodded, still shaky. “Naboo. I-…leave. We’re on leave.”

             “That’s right. Do you remember what happened?”

             “I was…” Obi-Wan frowned, and then it came back to him. The anniversary of Qui-Gon’s death, finding the best bottle of crappy alcohol he could get his hands on, the melting pit, Kix… Oh. Force.

             “I was drinking. Grieving. Wanted to be alone.” Obi-Wan scrubbed his hands over his face and resisted the urge to swear. “I’m sorry you had to see that, Kix. I behaved―”

             “Stop that.” Kix was scowling, but it was not so much directed at Obi-Wan as it was…for him? “From what I heard, that was a long time coming, and I think you needed the release. I’m just glad I was there to make sure you were okay.”

             Hot shame curled in Obi-Wan’s chest, despite the kind words. “Still. I would appreciate it if we could simply...put this mess behind us.”

             “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

             “Nor can I, General.”

             Obi-Wan looked up to see Cody approaching. He swallowed hard, forcing himself to meet his commander’s eyes. “That is―”

             “Obi-Wan,” Kix squeezed his shoulder again. “Last night, you trusted me enough to tell me the things you did. Please, trust us now, to help you, to support you.”

             “You aren’t alone, General,” Cody said, sitting down on Obi-Wan’s other side. The clone’s eyes were serious and sad. He reached out, hesitating a moment before gently taking Obi-Wan’s hand. Despite himself, Obi-Wan relaxed at the touch, tangling their fingers together before he realized what he was doing.

             “You aren’t alone,” Cody repeated, lifting their hands a little, as if in proof. “Kix…told me a little of what you told him. Not much, no details. If you decided you want to tell me, that’s up to you. But if you’re hurting, you don’t have to do it alone.”

             New tears were prickling in Obi-Wan’s eyes, and he wiped them away with the heel of his free hand, a little shocked at their presence. He wasn’t normally so…well, weepy.

             “I―”

             “Dammit Rex, let me in!” Anakin’s bellow was loud as an explosion, make all three of the room’s occupant jump.

             “I’m sorry, Sir, but Kix is medical, and right now his orders out―”

             “Do you think I care?! That’s Obi-Wan! Let me in!” The younger Jedi’s voice was tinged with anger and concern that verged on fear, and made Obi-Wan’s heart ache. This was exactly why he never―

             “Obi-Wan?”

             Obi-Wan met Kix’s gaze again. The medic was still frowning. “Is it alright if I let him in, or do you want me to get Rex to make him leave?”

             “Let him in,” Obi-Wan said, not hesitating. “He won’t be going anywhere, not if he’s sounding like that, and I don’t want to worry him anymore than I already have.” He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment as Kix rose, the bed shifting from the movement. ‘Well, I supposed he was going to find out eventually.’

             And oh, hadn’t Obi-Wan worked hard to keep pushing that ‘eventually’ back further and further.

             He could physically feel Anakin’s relief, when the young man hurried into the room, Kix close on his heels and Rex and Padme not far behind. Anakin rushed right to the bed, already babbling a mile a minute, his words seeping together into an overwhelming rush of noise.

             “Obi-Wan! Are you alright?! What happened?! Kix said he found you in the generator rooms, why in the Force were you down there, and why were you drinking, the festival’s tonight! Have you been crying?!”

             “General,” Kix’s voice was firm as he caught Anakin’s shoulder, tugging the Jedi back slightly, “Calm down. You’re overwhelming him.”

             “I just want to know what’s going on! Is he sick?!”

             “I’m fine, Anakin.” Obi-Wan dropped Cody’s hand, immediately mourning the loss of the warmth and comfort, and reached out to pull Anakin into a sitting position on the edge of the bed.

             “Don’t lie to me, Obi-Wan, I can see you’re not.”

             Obi-Wan winced, and ducked his head a little. “I’m not lying to you, Anakin, I’m fine. Really. I just…had a bit of a rough night.”

             “You don’t have ‘rough nights’.”

             It was said with such conviction that everyone in the room froze, staring at Anakin in shock. For his part, Anakin’s face was one of frustration and confusion.

             Silence hung heavy in the room, and even though the eyes were all on Anakin, the amount of attention Obi-Wan could feel focused on him was suddenly smothering.

             Somebody spluttered.

             Behind Anakin, Kix was looking a bit like someone had smack him across the face. He was gaping a little, lips moving in silent fragments of speech until;

             “Why would you say that?!”

             Anakin glanced over his shoulder frowning at his CMO. “Kix?”

             The clone shook his head, pressing his palms together in front of his lips and closing his eyes, exhaling in a loud gust.

             “Why,” he repeated, very slowly and clearly, “the fuck would say that?! All due respect, General Skywalker,” he continued, as both Rex and Cody’s eyes widened, and Anakin blinked rapidly, “but look at him! Does he look like he had a good night, hmm?!”

             “Kix―” Obi-Wan started, but Kix shook his head. “Oh no, nothing out of you. If you had it your way, we wouldn’t be talking about this, and you’d go another twelve years suffering in silence because you think you deserve it!”

             The medic’s words were sharp as daggers, and met by a shocked, ringing silence that was quickly becoming a constant in the room.

             “I have two questions.” Kix was glaring, angry and protective, and he moved to stand next to Obi-Wan’s bed, as close as he could get to being physically between the two Jedi without actually pushing Anakin out of the bed. “First off, have you,” he pointed at Obi-Wan, “Ever talked about any of the things you told me about last night with General Skywalker?”

             Obi-Wan shook his head, mute in the face of the emotions coming of the clone in waves.

             Kix made a noise suspiciously close to a growl, and pointed at Anakin. “And you. What day was it yesterday?”

             Obi-Wan let out a choked protest, and Anakin frowned, glancing between Kix’s thunderous face, and Obi-Wan’s suddenly pale one.

             “The anniversary of the Battle of Naboo,” he replied, confusion evident. “That’s half the reason why we were invited here. There’s a big festival tonight, since a lot of families use the actual night to mourn―” He stopped, words dying on his lips as his blue eyes widened in realization. “Oh Force, Obi-Wan, I didn’t―”

             Obi-Wan couldn’t meet his eyes. He couldn’t look at any of them, couldn’t face Kix’s protective rage, Anakin’s hurt, Padme’s soft, sorrowful eyes, or the confused but determined sets of Rex and Cody’s jaws and shoulder. This was why he had not said anything, why he waited until he could slip away unnoticed. He didn’t need his failures broadcasted, and he didn’t want the pity of these people, all of whom he cared about deeply. Too deeply.

             “I can’t believe I forgot,” Anakin murmured, voice distant and horrified. “I honestly forgot. I didn’t even…”

             “It’s not your fault,” Obi-Wan murmured, still not looking up from where he was studying the faint pattern of the weave of the comforter covering him. “Deaths are…easy to forget in times like these, especially if it’s not something you like to think about regularly.”

             “Still, you were…Force, Obi-Wan, why didn’t you say anything?” The hurt was back in Anakin’s voice, and it was enough to draw Obi-Wan’s eyes back to him.

             “I didn’t want to….” He sighed, shook his head, and glanced at Padme, who was still hovering in the doorway as if she wasn’t quite sure if she was welcome or not. “You can come in, Padme. I promise, I’m alright.”

             “Debatable,” Kix grumbled, but Obi-Wan ignored him, turning back to Anakin. “You two get so little time together, and less so without threat of interruption. I didn’t want to bother you, and really, Anakin, it’s alright. I promise.”

             Anakin’s eyes went wide, his gaze darting to Padme, who looked just as surprised. “Y-You…but how?”

             “We all know, Sir,” Rex pointed out. Obi-Wan nodded, and patted Anakin’s knee. “Anakin, I’ve known since the beginning. You really weren’t that subtle.”

             Padme, at least, had the decency to blush, even as she came over sit next to Anakin. “I think he means Geonosis, Love.”

             Obi-Wan arched an eyebrow, and the shadow of a smile flickered across his lips. “Hmm yes. Anakin, you were my Padawan and I love you, but I will never be so tired as to not notice you and Senator Amidala sucking face less than five feet away from me.”

             At any other time, he might have laughed at just how red the young couple’s faces had grown. Now, however, he just sighed, as Cody’s hand quietly slipped back into his own. When he gave the commander a curious look, Cody just shrugged.

             “Kix says you’re touch-starved.”

             Obi-Wan blinked. “I…oh.” He stared down at their joined hands. “I suppose that makes sense.”

             “But,” Anakin started, and Obi-Wan turned again. His former Padawan’s blush had died down and he was staring at Obi-Wan which a far too piercing gaze. “Obi-Wan, you still could have come and talked to me. It was one night, and if you were hurting, you should have said something.”

             Guilt, an old, familiar companion, curled in Obi-Wan’s stomach.

             “I-…I really don’t think I could have,” he finally admitted, barely managing more than a whisper as the words dragged over his tongue like barbs.

             Anakin reared back, like Obi-Wan had slapped him, hurt and a moment’s anger flashing across his face. “Of course you could have! Do you not trust me?!”

             The guilt settled down on Obi-Wan’s stomach, curled up, and went to sleep, content to stay for the long-haul.

             “No, Anakin, it’s not that!” Obi-Wan scrambled further upright, “I―”

             “Oh for fucks sakes!” Kix snapped, loud enough to silence both Jedi. “He couldn’t go to you, General, because he didn’t want you to know. He didn’t want to see he was hurting. Because that’s a weakness. That’s a failure.” He caught Obi-Wan’s gaze, and refused to let the older man look away. “Isn’t that right, General Kenobi?”

             Despite himself, Obi-Wan flinched. “I―”

             But Kix wasn’t finished yet. He turned back to Anakin. “He couldn’t go to you because he didn’t want you to feel like you had been unwanted. He didn’t want you to see his grief and have you blame yourself for it, despite that being the exact same thing he’s been doing for years. He didn’t want you to know that he felt like you were meant to be his replacement.”

             All the air left Obi-Wan’s lungs. “Kix!”

             “I’m sorry, Obi-Wan, but you two can’t keep going on like this. You two need to talk, you both need to understand that you care about one another. You need to talk, and if you let things like this fester, they will never heal.” Kix crossed his arms, scowling. “So, you get a choice. Either you tell General Skywalker what you told me, or I will.”

             “I-I―” Obi-Wan couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t―

             “Obi-Wan.” Kix’s warm, calloused hands cupped his face, bumping their foreheads together; a Mandalorian sign of brethren and trust. “Breathe. I need you to breathe again, alright? It’s going to be okay, I promise you, vod. No one here is going to think less of you. We all love you, Obi-Wan, and we all want to help, to be there for you. Obi-Wan, look at me. Listen. No one is going to leave you, understand?”

             Obi-Wan felt Cody squeeze his hand, tight to the point of pain, and saw Rex smile viciously. “We’re not going anywhere, General. None of us.”

             Kix pulled back, and Obi-Wan allowed himself the luxury of relaxing against Cody’s side.

             “What did he mean, I was your replacement?” Anakin finally asked, slowly, as if he were scared to hear the answer, “And why would you think we would leave you.”

             Obi-Wan had no words.

             “Because that’s what happens. I fail, and I lose people.”

             Obi-Wan glared weakly at Kix. “Don’t quote me.”

             Kix glared back. “Then tell him yourself. Start from the beginning. Tell his about how you met Jinn.”

             “Please.” Anakin reached out, and took Obi-Wan’s free hand in both his own. “Please, Obi-Wan, talk to me.”

             Force fuck it all.

             Obi-Wan swallowed hard. Kix was right. He had to do this, if only to stop the growing guilt in Anakin’s voice. He didn’t need his favorite shadow spreading.

             “I…very nearly didn’t become a Jedi.” He admitted, voice low. He could feel the surprise rippling around the room at his words, and had to force himself to keep talking.

             ‘It’s going to be okay.’

             ‘No one is going to leave you.’

             He pulled himself further upright, crossing his legs and leaning against Cody’s shoulder, using the man’s ever solid presence to steady himself. “I was almost thirteen, almost too old to become a Padawan, and no Master had so much as looked my way.”

             Looking at Anakin was too hard, so he dropped his eyes back to the covers.

             “There was a match, meant for Initiates to show off their skills to potential Masters. It was…it was my last chance. I was sparring against an agemate of mine, Bruck Chun. We both knew there was a Master in the crowd, and we both desperately wanted to be the one who walked away a Padawan.”

             Obi-Wan sighed. “Bruck was, well, he was a bully. He was angry and scared, just like I was, but he was also a bully, and I had always been his favorite target. He goaded me, I reacted badly, and I lashed out. In the end, I won. I met Qui-Gon not long after that.”

             “And you became his Padawan.”

             It was not a question. The absolutely surety in Anakin’s voice made Obi-Wan wince. “No, Anakin. No I didn’t.”

             “What do you mean?”

             “I fought with anger. Qui-Gon saw that, and deemed me too volatile to train. I…I begged him. He was my last chance, I was being sent to the Agricorps the next day but…he refused.”

             “H-he…” Anakin sounded like he could not comprehend what he was hearing, and Obi-Wan didn’t blame him. After all, Anakin had only known Qui-Gon’s smiles, his encouragement and gentle words. He had never known the man’s grief, the way he would close himself off to protect himself.

             “Yes. He refused to train me. Unfortunately for him, Master Yoda loves to meddle.”

             The rest of the story came out in a rush after that. Bandomeer, Xanatos, Melida/Daan, Cerasi, Tahl; all was revealed to his silent audience. All the while, Cody never let go of his hand, never moved away from under Obi-Wan’s shoulder. At some point, Rex and Kix both moved, settling themselves on the end of the bed. Surrounded on all sides as he was, Obi-Wan should have felt trapped, with so many sets of eyes on him, judging his every breath, ready to catch a moment’s slip. But…he didn’t.

             He felt safe.

             Cody’s solid calm, Rex and Kix’s quiet anger, for him, not at him, and the grief and hurt he could feel radiating off Anakin and Padme on his behalf, Obi-Wan felt safer than he had in years; safer and stronger.

             There was only one thing missing.

             “So proud of you, Obi-Wan. Never doubt that.”

             But that wasn’t what had happened, was it? Just a dream. Obi-Wan shook his head, shook the thought away. What came next was the hardest part of his tale, he needed to focus.

             “And then he found you and your mother on Tatooine.” Obi-Wan met Anakin’s eyes steadily, trying to show more calm than he actually felt. From the way he could feel Kix’s glare on the side of his head, he wasn’t all that successful. “And suddenly, it was like I did not exist. Qui-Gon was so…he had said, many times, that I would be his last Padawan. He didn’t think he had the energy to train another. I told him he was being silly, but he was insistent. But you…Force, Anakin, he loved you from the first moment.”

             It was hard not to smile, because even with the pain, he could remember the happiness he had felt through their bond as Qui-Gon had introduced the small blond child he had brought back to the ship with them.

             “I never told you, but his last words were of you.” It didn’t hurt as much, to admit that now, with Anakin in front of him, reminding Obi-Wan of what a joy he had been to teach, what a brilliant presence he was in Obi-Wan’s life. “He asked me to train you, to make sure you became a Jedi. He…” Oh, no but there was the hurt again, and he had to look away. “He was so sure you would become a great Jedi, and he was right.”

             “Force, Obi-Wan…no wonder you didn’t want me.”

             Obi-Wan’s head snapped up. Anakin’s blue eyes were wide and sorrowful, and he had gone very pale.

             “Anakin, no, no, that wasn’t it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want you.” Obi-Wan reached up, cupping Anakin cheek with a gentle hand, and then pulled him close, tangling his fingers in the back of the other Jedi’s robes. “Ani, after Qui-Gon died, you were my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, those first few years, my reason to shower, to eat. I kept going because you were there, and because I knew that if I didn’t put on a good show, the Council would take you away from me. I couldn’t allow that.”

             He exhaled slowly, and pressed his lips to the side of Anakin’s head, just for a moment, before pulling back and meeting his former Padawan’s eyes. “When we first met you, I saw something in Qui-Gon’s eyes that I had never seen before. He was so eager to teach you, so ready to throw everything else into the wind for you, even me. It was something I never had, something I always wanted, and seeing it directed at someone else, when I still standing at his side…” Obi-Wan pulled in a breath that shook a little. “It hurt. I felt like an Initiate again, like I was going to lose everything. He was my everything, and the thought of losing him, losing my place at his side…it was terrifying, and hurt more than I expected.”

             Obi-Wan paused, swallowing hard against a sudden swell of emotion that clogged his throat, and gave a crooked empty smile. “And so, like an Initiate, I lashed out. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, but I let my emotions get the better of me and did it anyway. And then…and then he claimed you, in front of Council. I was ‘competent’. You were the ‘Chosen One’. I had to fight so damn hard to get my place, but Qui-Gon was willing to fight for you, and― fuck.”

             Obi-Wan pulled back, scrubbing his hands over leaking eyes. He could still feel the smile contorting his lips, and he let out a soft, fractured laugh. Someone inhaled sharply.

             “How…how could I compete with you? I was never good enough, I’m―”

             “Stop it.”

             Anakin’s voice was stern, similar to the tone he sometime got with Ahsoka, when he was scared for her and trying to press a point to keep her safe. He reached out, pulling Obi-Wan back in, holding him tight, like Obi-Wan was a child. “Don’t say things like that.”

             “Anakin―”

             “No! You’re wrong. You’re wrong. I’m not better than you. I never was, and I never will be. Master, you are the greatest Jedi I know. You’re everything I wanted to be as a child, and everything I aspire to be now. I’m who I am now because of you, because of your training.”

             “I’m really not―”

             “Shut up. Just…shut up.” Anakin’s voice was trembling, and his arms tightened around Obi-Wan. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Obi-Wan. I never knew. I never thought to ask.”

             “You were a child,” Obi-Wan whispered, shaking his head. Of Force, he wanted to sink into the embrace and just. Sleep. “You were just a child, Anakin. My wellbeing, my grudges and griefs, they were never your responsibility. I will never ask that of you, would never ask that of a child I was meant to protect.”

             “Children should never bare the griefs of their elders,” Kix said gently, from further down the bed. “Even you, Obi-Wan. I believe you, when you say Jinn was a good man, but you should never have been made responsible for him. It sounds to me like Yoda was hoping you would save him, bring him back to the Jedi, and you did. But,” his voice took on a hard edge, “you were just a child. To expect that of you…that is too heavy a burden for any child to bare on their own.”

             Obi-Wan shuddered. He felt drained, exhausted and overwhelmed, raw to the touch. “I’m sorry.”

             “Shh,” Padme’s fingers, slender and cool, slid through his hair, and Obi-Wan sighed at the touch, closing his eyes. “Shh, Obi-Wan, it’s alright.”

             “I’m sorry.”

             “You don’t need to apologize to us, General,” Cody murmured.

             “I know. I’m sorry.”

             “It’s okay. It’s okay.” Rex’s voice was soothing, and Obi-Wan felt movement as the people around him, his family, all shifted closer, curling around him and Anakin.

             “It’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to cry,” Kix said, soft and reassuring. “It’s alright to feel, to mourn for those you love.”

             “You aren’t alone.” Anakin’s voice cracked, and Obi-Wan felt lips press against his hair. “You aren’t alone, Obi-Wan. I promise. Never again.”

             For one moment, Obi-Wan could have sworn he felt a send set of fingers running through his hair, the bristle of a beard as new lips pressed against the top of his head.

             “I’m so proud of you, Padawan. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

             A sob worked its way past Obi-Wan’s lips, and he went limp in Anakin’s arms, giving in, and finally letting go.