one thing that frustrates me to no end with some people in this fandom is the people who say "aziraphale was trying to do the right thing and save everyone. he loves crowley and crowley knows aziraphale loves him" in response to somebody mentioning crowley and how he felt.

like yeah, those all valid points. not disputing that. aziraphale did nothing wrong. he always wanted to do good even at the cost of sacrificing what he wanted. he was incredibly selfless and kind and he just wanted the world safe so he and crowley could be safe. yep thats all correct.

one tiny thing though.

NONE OF THAT CANCELS OUT THE FACT THAT CROWLEY WAS HURT BY AZIRAPHALE LEAVINGGGGGG

of course he bloody was! of course he was hurt! why do people try to erase crowleys feelings on this matter? you can understand someones reasons for leaving entirely and it doesnt change the fact that the person leaving you is painful!

ESPECIALLY IF YOUVE BLOODY LOVED THAT PERSON FOR 6000 FUCKING YEARS.

I mean jesus christ, can people have a bit of empathy for the grieving demon please? edit: without also hating on aziraphale because aziraphale did nothing wrong!

that guy was so hurt and depressed from aziraphale leaving that he drank himself stupid, gambled and slept on the street because he couldnt face staying in the bookshop. THAT GUY WAS HURT.

*** I honestly dont accept GO3 as canon at all and i know some people think crowley wallowing like this was out of character. I think maybe the length of time he did it for was out of character. i think he would have sorted himself out after a while because he always has a plan. but I dont think him being so depressed and drinking was. especially since he loved aziraphale for 6000 years and was suddenly all alone. we saw what he was like when he thought aziraphale was dead after the bookshop fire. he went to a pub and drank 3 bottles of whiskey because he didnt care anymore. he only sorted himself out once he knew aziraphale was okay. which is also what he did when aziraphale came back to him in go3. tho i do honestly think it would have made more sense for him to be shown drinking for a while but then having him process it and heal and coming to terms with it and getting back up anyway, out of spite if anything. wanting to prove he was fine without him because hes a cool, powerful demon, hes not some pathetic creature (only sometimes lol). so drinking and being heartbroken for a while? yeah. in character. but choosing to stay that way for 3 years or hoever long it was? that was not in character for me. hes a survivor. he gets back up even when it hurts. which is also why the ending where he chooses annihilation for them both makes no fucking sense. crowley would never do that. he always gets back up and keeps going and tries to help aziraphale in every situation.***

because you can love someone with your entire heart and soul but love isnt always enough to make someone stay and thats a hard thing to realise and come to terms with. you can tear yourself apart trying to understand why someone left and it can still fucking hurt you and you are allowed to feel hurt by it.

and nobody is the villain here. nobody. aziraphale isnt a bad person for leaving crowley! and im so sick of this narrative that aziraphale defenders get when someone even slightly mentions crowleys feelings on this matter. nobody is calling aziraphale evil when we say crowley was hurt by him leaving. (though of course there is a portion of the fandom that do villainise aziraphale for this and thats fucked up too! I just hate the divide that this fandom got because of the final fifteen.) like of course crowley knows why aziraphale left. he knows his angel. he knows he was trying to do the right thing. he knows aziraphale is just trying to fix things so they can be safe. he can know all this but it doesnt mean the hurt just fucking goes away!

crowley loves aziraphale and he knows aziraphale loves him too and thats why aziraphale is doing this. even though theyve both never outwardly said it, theyve both never dared to because they were terrified of being found out, they both deeply love eachother. and when aziraphale left, it completely shattered crowley. because there is no clean villain! no one is in the wrong here! and crowley knows that and thats SO much harder to heal from than if aziraphale had just straight up told crowley he hated him and never wanted to see him again (which would obviously never happen)

its much easier to accept someone leaving if they were abusive to you or evil or a horrible person.

it is much much harder to accept someone leaving if they are a good, genuine person and you know they still love you. and you know they truly did love you with their whole heart.

there is no one to blame. there is no one to hate. there is only the deep, profound hurt and the fact that the person who once called you starlight, your safe person, the love of your life isn't there anymore. and you have all of this love left with no where to put it. (i projected too hard there whoops)

crowley loves aziraphale with his entire heart but that demon was fucking heartbroken and im tired of people shoving his feelings aside just because aziraphale was trying to protect him and save everyone.

crowley was hurt. and you know what? aziraphale was hurt too! they both were! it was painful for both of them. the events and the argument leading up to the breakup too. because they both felt different things and they both realised this just wasn't something they could compromise on or agree on. and you can see the moment both of their hearts are just breaking completely. because they both love eachother so fucking much and they know they cant be together.

its a painful situation but its especially painful for crowley. because he got left behind. and for a guy with abandonment issues, thats a pretty fucking deep wound. obviously aziraphale is a grieving, heartbroken angel and this wasnt an easy decision for him but whenever anyone tries to bring up how crowley feels about it, the aziraphale defenders just immediately jump down your throat, make it about aziraphale and how he was under so much pressure and how he was breaking too and how he was trying to fix everything and yada yada yada and try to paint you as someone who is villainising aziraphale. when thats not what we are trying to do! we are trying to just acknowledge that both of them got hurt. both of their feelings matter and whether aziraphales intentions came from a good place or not, it doesn't change the fact that crowley feels like hes been left behind and abandoned!

by constantly trying to push this narrative of aziraphale being absolved of any guilt because he was trying to do the right thing, it completely overshadows crowleys feelings on this. it completely shoves him to the side. and even on posts like this about crowley, immediately I feel the need to say "both of them got hurt" and do you know what? ive been fucking doing that with my own breakup and im done. because just because both of you are traumatised and youre both hurt and you both still love eachother, it doesnt make what happened feel any less shitty for the person getting broken up with or left behind.

it forces them to carry your guilt, forces crowley to carry aziraphales guilt. it doesnt leave any room for his own feelings at all because everyones constantly trying to justify why aziraphale did it. the knowledge that aziraphale loves him but that doesnt mean he can stay is a fucking horrible notion that is hard to come to terms with and understand and just because aziraphale was trying to just be his angelic self and save people, that doesnt make him innocent in this.

but god that doesnt make him a damn villain either. it just means hes a person who was left with an impossible choice and he chose the selfless one. and crowley cant be angry at him for that and neither can we.

but we can acknowledge the impact that would have on crowleys already damaged psyche.

intent does not erase impact. and whilst aziraphale was trying to do the right thing, crowleys feelings got hurt. and he felt abandoned. he literally got kicked out of heaven. that guy knows what being abandoned feels like more than anyone. and whilst he knows aziraphale didnt mean to make him feel this way, crowley wouldnt be able to distinguish that from his trauma.

i do love season 2's ending because it is such a deep exploration of the pain and trauma that comes with leaving someone you still love. this stuff happens in real life. it happened to me and it happened to them and it is such a fucking horrible feeling to come to terms with that you can understand the other person's reasoning and you can know they still love you but they can still leave at any point. and you can be hurt by that. you are allowed to feel hurt and angry about that.

love just sadly isnt always enough to make someone stay.

and yes crowley and aziraphales situation is slightly different in the fact that aziraphale is literally going to heaven and trying to fix it and save everyone but the circumstances and the metaphor is there.

aziraphale thinks leaving is the right thing to do. and crowley wants them both to run away together.

both options suck.

aziraphale knows he cant stay because if he stays and runs away with crowley, then heaven will destroy everyone and crowley wont be safe. but if he goes then he has to leave crowley behind because he knows crowley wont come with him. he knows how badly heaven hurt crowley so asking him to be an angel again was a desperate attempt to keep his love by his side and I think aziraphale knew crowley wouldn't agree to that.

thats why this is so painful for crowley. because he knows aziraphale is at a crossroads for what he can physically do. hes at his limit. hes at capacity and he needs to fix it. aziraphale always needs to fix it and crowley is losing him. he knows it. and he cant do anything about it. and he understands it.

and he is hurt by it.

because he just wants love to be enough for once. but because of their circumstances, they physically cant be together. and he knows this and aziraphale knows this and its painful.

crowley was hurt by aziraphale leaving him and he knows aziraphale isn't a villain for it.

its just a very deep, very painful, very traumatic situation for the both of them.

That's the only thing that Crowley said that was too far. Everything else was perfectly reasonable and true. But he said he'd leave Aziraphale alone when they were supposed to be on their own side. I literally gasped when he said it when I watched the episode for the first time. I knew he'd need to apologize for that, I just didn't know what apologies between them looked like yet.

As I was taking a shower, my mind drifted towards Good Omens (as it tends to do these days).

It specifically drifted towards this image of Crowley leaning against heaven's elevator:

I know Neil Gaiman rarely ever does anything without a reason. So why is Crowley posed similarly to Jesus on the cross? How is Crowley similar to Jesus in any way?

Then it hit me.

Well, what did Jesus do in his lifetime? He challenged the existing religious thought patterns at the time, and common opinions gradually changed.

-> While our ineffable duo was following bodysnatcher Elspeth, Aziraphale was spouting heavenly propaganda. Crowley expressed outrageous ridicule toward the angel's uncharitable attitude, and Aziraphale's opinion eventually changed.

Not only that!

God's wrath is often described as being a substance in a cup that one is forced to drink. Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane, begs God to "let this cup [of suffering] pass from [him]" (Matthew 26:39). Despite Jesus's pleading, he drinks from the figurative cup of God's wrath, absolving Christians of their sins.

-> When Elspeth was about to commit suicide via laudanum (in a goblet, no less!), Crowley took the cup from her and drank it himself, basically absolving Elspeth of the sin of killing herself.

It goes even further!

When Jesus finally finished drinking the cup of God's wrath, he died and presumably went to Hell.

-> What happened to Crowley when he was finished giving Elspeth hope for a new life? He got dragged down to Hell.

he sees creation as a way of giving things live, be it stars and nebulas or humans or plants, they all exist and thus have a right to live. i think the thought of his nebulas and the entire universe being shut down after 6k years didn't just make him sad because of the effort he put into it. he sees it as a living, breathing creature that deserve to exist on its own terms.

that is why he asked questions, it certainly played a role in why he fell, and it also puts him right in the moral grey zone because there's no way of thinking that humans deserve free will without questioning the black/white moral system.

having to play his part as a demon is entire counterintuitive to who he is as a person, and it's imo the reason why he barely has relationships with humans (and if he does, they go deep). the constant loss would kill his soul and in a way it already has.

"what's the point" is him having reached a point of depression and an impatience that has morphed into bitter resignation.

look at him returning to the bentley after his fight with aziraphale in episode one. he isn't just upset, he is tired.

what's the point in loving and trying to save those that he loves when over and over again he is told that no, everyone else matters more than you. fixing this is more important than finding the peace we deserve. helping someone who literally tried to kill us matters more than our love for each other. the universe will be created and then destroyed for nothing, you are breathing live into empty spaces and none of it will matter. in the end, the logical conclusion he undoubtedly came to is that he does not matter either.

he tried to find a purpose for his existence in aziraphale and their arrangement, in trying to be kind and do good despite everything - and see where that landed him.

rejected and alone because compared to heaven, he is worthless, and well if that isn't a familiar feeling.

i think aziraphale in 1862 has picked up on that and he isn't wrong when he thinks it's a suicide pill.

Crowley was there at the creation of the universe. He was there as nebulae sprung into existence and time came to be. He slipped the switch of existence itself. And upon hearing how it all would shut down in just a few thousand years he was really upset. Because the universe was precious to him, and he wanted to see it flourish to its full potential.

Even then, Crowley wanted to fight for its right to exist. To be. He cared about the world to point of falling. He spent 6000 years on Earth, learning about and cherishing all it had to offer. The world is morally gray by default, and it's the only place in Crowley's existence that is. Therefore, it suits him, I think. Much more than either heaven or hell ever have or will, at least.

But, in the end of season 1, all of that was about to be lost. And what got him to act in order to salvage it? Aziraphale threatening to never talk to him ever again.

Let me say this again. The world was ending. The thing he cared enough about to had fallen for was all about to be destroyed forever. But the worst thing to Crowley in that moment, the highest stake and the worst possible loss, was the loss of Aziraphale's companionship. Not even "we will all die or stop existing and therefore won't be able to see each other anymore" but "I will just refuse to talk to you for the rest of time". That was the threat. And it worked. It raised the stakes. Stakes that were already about as high as they come, and quite awfully personal.

Crowley care more about Aziraphale than he cares about anything else. And Aziraphale knows that, otherwise he wouldn't have trusted that the threat would work. But he did. And it did.

Crowley is also desperately lonely. Just inherently so, in his very existence. There is no one else like him, in the way he's so gray in a world so black and white. I literally have a whole other post planned for that rant though, so I'll spare you it for now. But yeah, I'd imagine he has felt like the loneliest being in existence for the fast majority of it. His loneliness comes across a LOT, but it's most apparent in those moments of desperation. Where he is risking losing that one connection he managed to make. Like a last ditch effort kiss, harsh and unpleasant. It hurts to have it taken away, on such a deep level. Just like there is no one like Crowley, there is no one like Aziraphale. At least not to Crowley, not by a mile.

This is my interpretation of what the characters seemed to have been trying to say vs what the other heard. Feel free to comment if you have any differing ideas of interpretation! I’m running on like 3 hours of sleep.

A: Come with me, to heaven. I’ll run it, you can be my second in command. We can make a difference. (We can work together and then can create a world where we can be happy together.) (We can fix heaven, I can fix you.)

C: You can’t leave this bookshop. (You can’t leave me) (What about earth? What about all the earthly things you love here?)

A: Oh Crowley, nothing lasts forever. (It’s okay, it doesn’t matter as long as we can be together.) (We weren’t meant to last forever.) (this is from Crowley’s POV where he officially gets rejected)

C: No. No I suppose it doesn’t. Good luck. (I understand, you don’t want us to be together.)

(Crowley starts to leave) (it’s only at this point Aziraphale seems to realize that Crowley is turning him down)

A: “Good luck?” Crowley? Crowley come back! …to heaven. Work with me. We can be together. Angels! Doing good! I- I need you! I don’t think you understand what I’m offering you. (Where are you going?! Don’t go! We can save the world and be happy together.) (Come to heaven. We can be angels. You can become good. Once you’ve changed we can be together!)

C: I understand. I think I understand a whole lot better than you do. (You can’t change anything. Not the corrupt system and not me. They’re toying with you and you should be smarter than this. You shouldn’t WANT this.) (I don’t want to be with you. It’s too much work. I hate heaven too much to be with you.) (this is from Aziraphale’s POV where he officially gets rejected)

A: Well, then there’s nothing more to say. (I understand, you don’t want us to be together.) (Okay then, you can go. We’re done.)

C: Listen. Hear that?

A: I don’t hear anything.

C: That’s the point. No nightingales. You idiot. We could have been us. (Why am I not enough you? Why can’t you stay?) (You’re not enough for me. I won’t go.)

(Crowley kisses Aziraphale) (Please stay- at least understand I love you. If you’re going away this is my only chance.) (Goodbye, I’m not going with you so this is my only chance.)

A: I forgive you. (I forgive you for not wanting to come with me, you don’t want us to be together, I understand. Goodbye) (I still have to go. I forgive you for kissing me though, and for not wanting to go to heaven with me. You just aren’t enough for me.)

Something about not feeding ducks bread.

Something about bringing a smothered dove back to life.

Something about throwing himself in front of a hoard of demons to protect a human.

Something about drinking the poison and walking on consecrated ground.

Something about “I won’t leave you on your own” and “I didn’t want to see you get into trouble” and “no” mouthed down the barrel of a rifle.

Something about the goats, the kids, the dove, Aziraphale.

Something about replaying the scenario over and over but changing the ending, so that the forsaken are given a second chance, so that the angel is rescued.

I very disagree with the Crowley has memory loss from the Fall theory, and I want to enumerate my points.

"He doesn't remember Furfur or Saraqael!" you say. Do you remember everyone you went to high school* with, everyone you ever did group projects with? *or elementary school if you're under 20 He probably worked with a lot of different angels on nebulae, and fought alongside a lot of different demons-to-be in the war. Look at the scene we saw with Aziraphale. You just know she wasn't paying attention to what Aziraphale said his name was and was going to have to ask when they met again. Angel!Crowley has got ADHD hyperfixations and the people around him aren't as interesting. Barely worth acknowledging. Meanwhile, he himself is quite memorable to others. (Not to mention highly-ranked in heaven's hierarchy.) What did Furfur say? "You used to jump on me back, little monkey in the waistcoat." Who's the more memorable being in that encounter? The (literal?) monkey hopping around jumping on people or whatever poor sod he's hopping on? As someone who stood out in school as a weirdo, I myself have more than once had someone hit me up on Facebook years later acting like we'd been friendly in school, and experienced that exact "??? Who are you?"

He remembers creating gravity. Vaguely, you say? Sure, but it was a long time ago. While all told Crowley and Aziraphale have excellent memories, they are not perfect. See them not able to recall who was responsible for the Reign of Terror only ~200 years ago.

"I helped make that nebula" he also recalls.

Crowley easily recognized the Metatron saying he'd last seen him as a floating head. As an angel with a lot of questions for God, he would have talked to the Metatron all the time before the Fall.

Reiterating above point, in Uz, they remember trying to get through to God to ask their questions.

He knows how to sneak into heaven and remembers his passwords.

He remembers going into battle.

He remembers frightening the cherubs with the threat of Extreme Sanctions.

In Eden, Aziraphale didn't know what name they were going by, so had to ask, but note that Crowley neither asked Aziraphale's name nor did Aziraphale introduce himself. "We've been talking for millions of years," he told Maggie and Nina. Perhaps he was being hyperbolic, but perhaps not. Before "the Beginning" when the Earth itself was created there was an untold amount of time where the angels were all getting things ready and then warring amongst themselves. I think it's clear that one scene we saw was not their only encounter before the Fall, and Crowley remembers his prior acquaintance with Aziraphale. Mightn't he have had some hesitation in approaching the Guardian of the Eastern Gate if he didn't already know him? But no, he slithers right up that wall and starts a conversation with a tone of familiarity.

Again, in Uz, they both acknowledge how they knew each other in heaven.