#cptsd studylbr

I'm actually getting better at college!!! My new study habits of staying on campus even when the anxiety hits is working!!!! My support system at school is phenomenal and I'm so happy!

I went to talk to my physics professor about the contents of the next exam today, and with a twinkle in his eye, he asked, "how'd you do on the last exam?"

I got insanely exited and practically shouted, "I did so well!! I got an 85%, but what's even better was I felt prepared! I'm finally learning how to learn!"

He replied, "I know! I'm so proud of you! And next semester you'll know what to do right from the beginning, so you'll do even better!"

Guys. I'm so happy. I can't get over how grateful I feel for getting this amazing professor this semester who saw my potential, knew how to reach out to me, and is encouraging and supporting me every step of the way. I've always heard, "she's so smart, but not living up to her potential." And, "you just need to try harder and apply yourself. Other people have issues, too. You should be able to figure it out." But he didn't say that! He said, "I see your struggle, you're not alone, here's how to succeed."

AND HE'S PROUD OF ME!!!! Do you know how long it's been since I've heard that? Someone is actually proud of me. I'm literally crying tears of happiness. Life is getting better. I can do this.

I'm trying to make my way through my physics textbook and the only way my brain is decoding the information is if I write it down in my own words. It's taking SO long for my brain to decipher the words. I keep rereading the same sentence over and over again with no idea what the words are trying to say. Most of the time it's because I misread one stupid word over and over again. Or I read the sentence correctly but my brain decided to go on its own adventure without retaining the information.

Why is reading so flipping hard!? I spent 2 hours reading and only made it through 20 pages. I feel so stupid. But I was struggling with the homework and felt like I was walking blind into a cave trying get through it, so I know I need to read the stupid text book. I'm feeling extremely frustrated and terrified that I don't have what it takes to be a physicist.

I have quite a bit bouncing in my brain at the moment. It’s currently 12:00 AM here and I’m in our physics seminar room taking a break from CALC III homework. 

You guys. 

I think I finally know how to study. I think I’m starting to figure out college with mental health struggles. 

A few days ago my physics professor emailed me and asked me if I was okay because he was concerned about my large amount of absences. I decided to finally get out of bed and shower at 3:00 PM when I saw the email and go into his office to talk it through. 

I don’t know what came over me, but I cried and told him about how I was diagnosed with CPTSD, DID and ADHD recently and I sometimes struggle with coming into class when an anxiety attack hits. 

He expressed concern that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him sooner in the semester, as he has depression and is always an open source of encouragement and support. I told him about how I’m going to therapy and meet with a guy who is teaching me how to study once a week and I feel like since everyone has mental health struggles, I should still be able to do physics and calculus on my own.

No. He told me countless stories of his students with mental health struggles who meet with him weekly, sometimes just to cry over struggling with the little executive function challenges, because most of us in the department have ADHD and we all struggle with organization, deadlines, etc. He told me the only reason they’re succeeding and I’m not, is because they show up. They come to school even when they don’t have the motivation to shower. They tell their professors when their having an off day so they can have extra support through the rough patch.

So I decided to stay on campus in our physics seminar room all week to work on homework. I’m no longer embarassed to make mistakes in front of my peers. I’m no longer afraid to admit that I suck at being organzied. I suck at reading. I suck the things I need to do to do well in college. 

But guess what!? They all suck too! 

And for the first time this semester I’m absorbing information. I am learning so much faster, more effeciently and I’m performing so much better! 

I’m here alone on campus right now working on CALC III and I’m actually flying through the three weeks worth of homework I missed and I”m doing well. My brain feels unlocked. Sure. I miss being home and in bed. But I feel like I’m succeeding and like I”m on a path that will lead to success. 

Relaxing end to a productive day.

In honor of spring break, I spring cleaned my home, budgeted, filled out FAFSA, and studied physics and calculus. I earned my hydrating face and hair masks, the crackling candle (the wick is wood so it sounds like a fire), and my lavender tea.