my five year relationship has come to an end, and although i knew it was gonna happen sooner than later it is still devastating. i feel like i just had to update my tumblr because i really only recorded the really early stages and towards the end.
we didnt have a relationship that was goals, even if we were together for 5 years we had our issues like any other couple. there were times where i felt like i didnt love him anymore and there were times my heart felt shaken by someone else. Through it all i really couldnt help but love him.
I really didnt expect to even start dating him, let alone start thinking we were going to have a future together. We are so opposite and so different those differences started to add up on us.
First it was prom, then it was the beach, then he stopped wanting to come over because it was too hot, and he stopped watching things he didnt want to watch with me. Then it was a pattern he let me do whatever i wanted as long as i never forced him to do anything he didnt want to do. We lived like that for years. We lived to whatever was most convenient to him, but as selfish as he was it worked out because of my giving personality. But then he told me he didnt want to have kids, and our agreements like for him to have his first drink on our wedding day seemed irrelevant.
Before this we wanted to have kids two of them, we wanted to get married, we wanted to live together one day, we wanted to spend forever together, and i started thinking about it seriously even though i told myself nothing was permanent. But i guess i was right and things changed.
Throughout our whole relationship he loved me unconditionally, he let me be free and independent, he trusted me and never doubted our commitment. I never thought he didnt love me, and we really got to extreme levels of comfort. we told each other the times where we thought someone else was cute, i told him about how i started developing a crush on someone. He became my best friend and i felt that i could be completely myself around him.
But when it got hard for me, when i got into my moods, when i was sad, he couldnt tell me anything. He never knew how to give advice or how to console anyone. But who could blame him he grew up that way, his family doesnt really talk about that stuff, and he can barely understand his own emotions. But when he started to disregard what i would tell him, when it became easier to ignore the fact that i was going through something, i shouldve known that it wasnt okay. and i knew. i just ignored it too.
I never wanted to be a burden on anyone. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable. i just wanted to love him and be there for him, even though i knew we were different and even though i knew i deserved better. But time has affected that. Ive loved him for five years, it was never going to be easy to stop loving him. I understood the conditions of our relationship. I was accepting that with him consolation and empathy was something that i would never be able to receive. But hes tried, hes held me while i cried, he knew how to apologize, and he was capable of feeling guilty. Thats where i thought i saw hope and growth.
But unfortunately those feelings were too much for him. At least he knew i deserved better too. He felt bad that i had put up with him for so long, but instead of breaking up because he felt i deserved better it was more that he was tired of feeling bad about not being good enough, he didnt want to feel bad about himself anymore. And i understand thats valid, but it would have been nice if i knew thats how i made him feel a long time ago.
Some part of me hoped i would be able to help him fix his issues, like by being in a relationship with me he would learn how to handle emotion and how to treat other people. But our relationship was just too overwhelming.
It wasnt all bad either, it actually was more good. In the five years we were together i learned to become more selfish. Although it wasnt in my own relationship i learned to do things for me. I was free and i did whatever my heart wanted. I stopped caring about what other people thought of me and i started creating more opportunities to live my life. I became closer to people around me and my family. All while having a happy relationship. I got to enjoy many back scratches, cuddles, and kisses. I discovered my love for anime and i learned so many things because of him. Yes i deserved better but i never felt like what he gave me wasnt enough. I didnt care that he dropped out of college to work and transfer to community college. I didnt care that he couldnt drive because he had too much anxiety. I didnt care that he didnt have a lot of money. He made me smile and laugh. He made me feel safe and secure. He made me feel beautiful, sexy, cute, and funny. He tested me and our relationship was simple but it never felt boring. In the end we got too comfortable and we stopped trying, but i had such a lovely time. Being with Aaron and the memories together will forever make me smile and make my heart sink to my toes. I rediscovered love because of him. Now i have to say bye to my high school sweetheart.
Here I am now a 21 year old newly single, going from being in a relationship since i was 16. I dont know how to date or flirt anymore, i dont know how to talk to boys i have interest in, not that im interested. Its going to be hard. I still hope sometimes I’ll get a text saying “hey can we hang out” and then we magically get back together but he also has become less selfish and learned how to be a little cooloer, and knows how to empathize and console me. But he wont and hes really better off by himself right now, and I am too. I guess i need to learn how to live an adult life single and rediscover myself and learn how to live alone. I still love him, a lot, and we told each other we would stay friends, and this is after all the crying and telling each other we still had feelings for each other. I just cant talk to him right now, or see him. It sucks when everything has a fucking association to him but with time it will get better. In the end i hope he stays one of my best friends because i dont ever want him to be lonely. He comes off cold but he really is a big softie, hes really funny and charming too, hes just not good at making friends in person. I hope we both find what we are really looking for and we both end up satisfied with our lives. I dont regret a single thing. I have a lot more growing to do and Im still young so wish me luck. ALSO ITS ONLY BEEN 4 DAYS SINCE WE BROKE UP SO IF I END UP UPDATING THIS WITH SOME NEW SHIT AND FEELINGS IM SORRY
if you ever decide to get back on tumblr and stalk me
hi. i miss you. i probably love you, im not sure in what way. i hope youre doing well. I hope youre happy. I hope we are friends. If you need me, im only a message away. And Thank you.
