365 Days of Snark

The Bill of Rights, the first ten amendments to the US Constitution, was ratified on this day in 1791, guaranteeing American’s freedom of speech, right to bear arms, and eight other things that most people have never heard of.

Time Magazine named “The Protestor” as their Person of the Year on this day in 2011. Naturally, this didn’t sit well with the honorees, who occupied Time Magazine’s headquarters with placards and bullhorns until the editors changed their minds and picked Beyoncé instead.

The clip-on tie was invented on this day in 1928, which reduced Windsor knot mauling by 0%, because that’s not actually a thing.

Today is Gingerbread House Day, in honor of the tasty treat immortalized in the classic Brothers Grimm fairy tale, “Hansel and Gretel.” So if you find a gingerbread house, eat it. If you find yourself inside a gingerbread house, prepare to be eaten, as statistics suggest you’re already fattened up.

If you are reading this post on an app, you are unwittingly celebrating National App Day with me. I’m really flattered, but I’d appreciate it if you put some clothes on. It’s not that kind of party.

Emily Dickinson, one of our finest poets, was born on this day in 1830. While she only published seven poems in her lifetime, almost 2000 more were discovered locked in her dresser and published after her death. I also have stuff hidden in my dresser that’ll be discovered after I die. You know, evidence and stuff.

President Clinton fired his US Surgeon General, Joycelyn Elders, after she announced that masturbation should be discussed in schools as a part of human sexuality, thereby guaranteeing that everyone would discuss the thing they weren’t supposed to discuss but were actually doing anyway.

On this day in 2003, Congress finished work on the CAN-SPAM Act, which sought to limit the amount of junk email Americans receive in their inboxes. Unfortunately, most Americans were unaware of the legislation as the official notice went straight to their spam folders, while their inboxes filled up with thrice daily reminders from Amazon to buy stuff that we looked at for, like, a half-second.

The Recording Industry Association of America sued file sharing service Napster on this day in 1999 in an effort to stop unauthorized music downloads. The resulting lawsuit caused Napster to collapse, though many more file sharing services have risen in its place, which brings to mind something about winning the something but losing the something. 

On December 6, 1933, a US federal judge ruled that James Joyce’s novel Ulysses was not obscene, mostly because the judge couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

Today is Bathtub Party Day, a time to forsake the relative cleanness of a shower and soak in your own filth, made doubly awesome when other people join you.

It’s Santa’s List Day, the day that Santa makes his list of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Santa used to employ elves to keep track of you, but now he infects your smart phone with spyware and tracks your with mSpy, so you’d better not shout, you’d better not cry, you’d better not pout, I’m telling you why. Santa is stalking you.

A 40-foot inflatable pig was seen floating over London, England on this day in 1976, a stray prop from a Pink Floyd album cover photo shoot. The people of London were understandably shocked, as they’re only accustomed to seeing umbrella-toting nannies, giant peaches, and glass elevators floating in the sky.

At the ripe old age of two years, 10 months, Puyi was made Emperor of China on this day in 1908. His first commandments concerned pacifier tariffs, addressing a diaper rash outbreak, and mandating that every citizen pinch his cheeks upon greeting him.

Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day encourages eyeglass wearers to use bifocals rather than taking their glasses off when looking at a computer screen. This is personal for me, since every time I take my glasses off I risk revealing my secret identity.

I’d love to celebrate National Stay at Home Because You’re Well Day, but I have to observe National Go to Work Because I’m Broke Day.

It’s Maize Day, a time to celebrate all things corn, though it would be more fun if it was Maze Day, and if we got lost in a maze we could leave a trail of maize to find our way out. I’m amaized by the possibilities.